


Consequences

by Alois_D



Series: Choices and Consequences series [2]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-14 08:08:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 41
Words: 154,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4557105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alois_D/pseuds/Alois_D
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian and Justin have to say good bye when an opportunity takes Justin to Europe. Even if their love is the love of a lifetime, they have to move on. This story is Brian's journey, with his friends, his family and more...Post Season 5. Sequel of "Choices," which should be read first. Warning: Brian emotionally involved with another man</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Before you start reading this story, be aware that Brian will have two great loves in his life... If you can't stand the idea of Brian loving another man, don't read. If you're open to it, I hope you will enjoy the ride. However, just keep in mind that I will not let you go without a B/J reunification in the end, even if this story is really Brian's journey. This story is definitely not for everyone
> 
> This story could be divided in three parts:  
> The first part will cover Brian falling in love with another man. No Justin.  
> In the next two parts, Justin will be back.  
> Each 'book' follows one important part of Brian's life.
> 
> Again, if you can't stand the idea of Brian with another man, DON'T READ. I prefer to warn you that Brian will not fall out of love with my OMC in order to come back with Justin. But I also promise that Justin won't be second best either. Brian will have two great loves in his life and both he and Justin will eventually live happily ever after :)  
> So, for those who want to know more, happy reading :)

 

**_April 2006 - New York City_ **

**Brian's POV**

The sun is just beginning to spread its rays of sunshine over the Big Apple. The promise of a bright and quite warm day is rising with every passing moment, and Brian can't help but curse under his breath for his bad luck, while descending the stairs to the New York subway.

The ad exec is in town in order to participate in a meeting which promises to be a real challenge to begin with, and the prospect of having to be on the railroad to reach his destination is not what he hoped for when he first woke up next to his partner that morning.

In fact, he expected to take a nice cab and to enjoy the sights of the city, and to just relax in the comfort of the leather seat provided to him by the four-wheeled vehicle. Brian is in a good mood this morning, having reunited with his partner the day before, and therefore having spent a really good evening and night in the arms (and ass) of his young lover.

But, as it seems, the city is paralyzed because of a taxi strike he had not predicted, and he has no other choice but to fall back on public transportation, his only way to join the meeting with Wildflower on time. 

He doesn’t know if he is going to tell Justin about his current predicament, for fear that his lover will laugh at him, or that his image of a narcissistic and egocentric bastard who can’t be caught in a bad situation will be altered. He can already imagine the scene with Justin making fun of him and consequently him having no other choice but to punish him severely.

In the subway, Brian is struggling to stop himself from killing foremost of his companions in misfortune, and his Prada shoes are dusted by too many feet which can’t stay between one another. The train is crammed and the temperature is unbearable. If not for the importance of the meeting he is going to, which can lead to a very lucrative campaign, he would have bolted from this car as soon as the door would open at the next station. Instead, he is stuck between a woman in her seventies who looks like an older version of his sainted mother and who seems to be ready to faint, a teenager who has to be a great client at Mc Donald's and who is sporting a shirt with a lot of fresh sweat, and a tall man in his fifties whose breath has not seen the beginning of a toothbrush for several days.

His mother would be glad.

He is in hell.

* * *

  ** _A few minutes earlier, Chelsea, New York City_**

**Aidan's POV**

Aidan Cole is late.

The shooting he is going to is in Manhattan, but his motorcycle has refused to start this morning. He is standing there, next to it, and cursing the gods that allowed him to party until three in the morning while at the same time plotting against him to ruin his only means of transportation for the day. His throbbing headache is slowly getting worse, and he only wants one thing at the moment: going back to bed in the comfort of his condo, and letting himself be transported to the sweet sensation that only sleep could give you.

But Simon will kill him if he doesn’t show, and if he doesn’t shake his camera in front of beautiful girls and boys, while boosting their already excessive egos, which have already been fed with empty promises for the most part.

If Simon has not been his friend for so long, he would stop this charade, having already decided that this world of fame and glamour isn’t for him. Instead, he reluctantly agreed to be the photographer for this shooting in order to preserve a friendship that tended to deteriorate over time.

Aidan had met Simon when he was in 3rd grade. He remembers that time like it was yesterday, because the arrival of the other child in his life was a promise of sweeter, happier days, welcomed after the darkness he had been through.

Aidan was a shy and introverted child. His parents, John and Mary Cole, had died in a car crash caused by a tired nurse who fell asleep at her steering wheel after her night shift. Neither of them had made it. He was seven at the time, his sister was seventeen and consequently, she couldn’t be Aidan’s guardian. That year was hell for Aidan, destroying the happy and smiling child he once was.

Eight months after the accident, Olivia went to live with a good friend from her school, Jessie Grant. Mr. And Mrs. Grant had understood the necessity for the teenager to finish her school year in order to pass her SAT, and they wanted to help the teenager they had seen grow up after grieving and then go on with her life. But while they could welcome Olivia because of her being near adulthood, they couldn't help Aidan.

Therefore, at seven, he was forced to move in with his foreign uncle in Philadelphia, who couldn’t care less about his lost brother's child, but who was just too happy to take the money the assurance was providing for Aidan, money which was disappearing in parties and poker games. Aidan was just an extra piece of furniture in the man's filthy home.

Soon enough, Olivia was eighteen and even if she would always be grateful to her host family, she did all she could to have her brother back.

She applied to be Aidan's guardian and the judge had no other choice but to accept it after reading the memo from child protective services. Two months later, he moved back with her in a two bedroom condo in Harrisburg, thanks to what was left of their parent's life insurance.

However, the money was tight and Olivia had to work as a waitress on nights and week-ends in a small coffee shop so as to provide a safe home to her little brother while taking courses during the week to become a nurse. As a result, Aidan had to grow up much too fast.

But this time, even if it was tough, even if the child wanted to scream sometimes because of this unfair world, he was loved. Loved unconditionally by his sister, who was doing anything in her power to ensure him a future. And for that, Aidan was fucking grateful.

And when Simon arrived into his world, the spoiled child with an inimitable and communicative laugh, he knew he was going to be ok.

That’s why he is standing today in this street, with a headache, a broken motorcycle, and a big bag at his feet.

After swallowing two pills of his meds and taking his bag, he squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath of air charged with the memories (Carbone really) of the city cars and finally, he enlists on the pavement a vigorous step. The sun is unusually warm at this hour of the day and by the time he reaches the entrance of the station, he is already sweating a little. Six minutes later, he is in the subway, next to a child too young to be on his own and an old woman whose face is compressed into a kind of rictus. That’s when he understands that he will never be at his shooting in time.

* * *

  **Brian's POV**

Just as the train comes to a stop at the "Fifth Avenue" station, Miss Pettigrew, the Joan Kinney older version, collapses. The fact that her fortune teller has predicted an interesting encounter in a train two weeks before couldn't have prepared her for what was really going to happen. Because that encounter is happening right now, with a man whose hazel eyes are showing his surprise, soon to be replaced by fear.

Brian sees the fall in slow motion, and it seems that it is not two seconds but thirty before she falls, or more exactly, on his already wrinkled clothes and trampled shoes. While most people around him come down from the ream without suspecting what is going on, Brian is soon on the floor with the woman in his arms.

Brian is about to panic - a fate almost worse than being in the subway in the first place - when he hears a strong voice above him.

“She is having a stroke, somebody call 911! And you, make her lie down slowly and help me check if her airways are clear."

The voice makes Brian look up just as the siren alarm starts to sound. The man in front of him is tall, with shaggy hair and piercing green eyes.

The first thought that comes to Brian's mind is that this man is fucking hot. His eyes seem to see through him and Brian can't help but ask himself if this Adonis with impeccable taste in casual clothing is gay. The second thought that comes to Brian's mind is that he is in the fucking subway, on the floor, in a ludicrous posture, with a seemingly dying woman in his arms and that his first thought is sex.

Maybe he is more fucked up than he thought...

"Are you deaf? Come on, move! » The man orders.

The tone in the man's voice makes Brian snap out of his ramblings and he quickly does as he is told.

"Here, she isn't breathing, I'm going to start the cardiac massage," the man declares. "Put her head back and at five, give artificial respiration."

"Wait, what? Really?” Brian questions, the prospect of touching the woman’s lips repulsing him.

The man huffs by his side and barks, "Just do it, at one, two, three, four, five, now!"

Taking a deep breath, Brian obeys and together, they begin to try to bring this woman back to the world of the living ones. A third person provides them with a defibrillator a few moment later, and the green eyed man uses it until one minute later, the medical team joins them in the immobilized vehicle.

Brian moves away so as to let them take care of the woman, just as the man beside him announces that she is alive.

"We got a pulse, but she stopped breathing for three minutes." he informs the paramedics.

The medical team starts to speak to the woman who is beginning to show sighs of consciousness. Brian is standing next to the other man. He realizes that after the rush of the previous moment, he is more jolted than he thought.

"Fuck...she was dying in my arms." he breathes out. "If not for you..."

The man turns to look at him. Brian is once more stricken by his piercing gaze.

"My sister is a nurse," the man reveals. "She taught me how to resuscitate a person when she was practicing for her degree. I was about ten years old then, and she still makes me pass the test every year to make sure I'm a big boy."

The man smiles then and Brian feels himself relax completely.

"Well, good thing you were here. I'm sure I would have killed her if not for you," Brian discloses.

The man laughs and extends his hand.

"Aidan Cole, nice to meet you."

"Brian Kinney."

When they shook hands, a surge of electricity passes through Brian, and he grins inwardly.

Aidan Cole is definitively gay.

A few minutes later, the city's noises and the car's horns welcome the two men who are ascending from the underground subway station.

During the small walk from the platform, Brian learns that Aidan is a photographer who is back in the United States after having traveled all over the world for almost a decade. He talks about his previous work with passion and pride, and Brian is impressed by his eclecticism. The man is definitely more than just a pretty face.

And while his 29-year-old self would have wanted to prolong this moment after his meeting with Wildflower, and would have invited Aidan Cole in his bed, his 34-year-old self isn't really interested.

He could if he wanted to. He knows that Aidan wants him, and he and Justin have agreed not to be monogamous. But the truth is that both of them only want to be with each other when they stay in the same city for a few days. Of course, all is implied and not verbally expressed, but Brian knows it. And he makes sure that Justin knows it, too, with every touch and every kiss he gives to his lover.

Actions speak louder than words, indeed.

* * *

**Aidan's POV**

When he sees the senior citizen next to him fall backwards onto a man he can't see, Aidan reacts immediately. He asks for help while posting himself in front of the woman and orders the unseen man to move carefully.

That's when he sees _him_.

His first thought is that the man kneeling before him - or if said a little less subtly, spread on the floor - is beautiful. His hazel eyes are mesmerizing, and Aidan is hypnotized by the man's gaze.

But the slumber is furtive because at this moment, he can't allow himself to such scattered thoughts, and he has to focus on the old, unconscious elderly woman who seems to have stopped breathing.

Consequently, during the next three minutes, everything is a blur. Aidan focuses on the body beneath his hands with the help of the gorgeous stranger and begins to work on her, hoping to bring her back.

Ten minutes later, the woman is back to the land of the living ones, and the two saviors are making their way out, through people unaware of the tragic event that could have occurred.

Surprisingly, Brian engages in conversation. "So, besides playing Baywatch Subway's version, without, unfortunately, the red suit and the rubber life preserver, what do you do for a living? Lifeguard? Savior Extraordinaire? Knight in shining armor?"

Brian Kinney is obviously in a playing mood.

"Well, actually, that's a professional distortion.” Aidan responds. Brian raises his eyebrows, waiting for Aidan to elaborate. "I was a reporter-photographer for almost ten years, and I therefore had to go in benighted countries all over the world. Let's just say that first aid knowledge were essential."

"Oh, I see. Savior extraordinaire it is. Lucky me." Brian quips with a smile. Aidan laughs, finding the man’s sense of humor refreshing. "And what were you doing in these countries?"

Aidan is surprised by the interest of the other man, who certainly wouldn't have asked that question if he’d known he was exposing himself to a five-minute answer. But Brian doesn’t seem to mind as he listens to Aidan with genuine curiosity.

"And what are you doing back in fabulous New York, if you don't mind me asking?" Brian inquires. "It's not exactly a beleaguered country, even if sometimes, you might think so when there are only bikes allowed to move..." Brian looks around with disdain while passing his hands over his trampled Armani suit.

"Well, I happen to have a family." Aidan responds.

Brian turns his head and raises his eyebrow. “That’s your excuse?"

Aidan laughs. "Actually, yeah. My sister harassed me to come back to the States, even if only for a few months. So here I am."

"Here you are, indeed." Brian grins.

Aidan feels a thrill under the scrutinizing gaze of the other man. For a moment, he thinks that he sees something in the hazel eyes, maybe lust or desire. But as fast as it has appeared, it’s gone. There is something else, indefinable and almost distant, like Brian isn't looking at him at all. He seems lost in a memory, and the predator that was there a few seconds ago has totally disappeared. 

Brian breaks the stare they were sharing. "Well, it's been nice and all, but some of us have a real job to do besides playing hero to boost their already excessive ego.” Brian smirks and looks at Aidan. "I have an important meeting and I'm already late, so I'm afraid I will have to cut this conversation short."

"No problem, I have a meeting, too, anyway, or maybe not, considering I'm already..." He watches his watch "...thirty minutes late."

Brian nods, extending his hand while intently looking into the other man's eyes. "Thanks...For everything."

Aidan takes it and feels a surge of electricity coursing through his body. The sincerity and intensity in Brian's posture, in his eyes, in the intonation of his voice and in his smile, has taken him by surprise. He ignores his disappointment over the man’s departure.

"Anytime..." Aidan reluctantly breaks the connection of their joined hands and allows himself one last comment. "You never know, maybe I will see you again spread out on the filthy floor of the subway. It's certainly a sight I'm not ready to forget."

Brian stares at him with a piercing look, tongue in cheek, before answering, a little smile at the corner of his lips. "Well, for one thing, I wasn't spread out, just in an uncomfortable position. And two, I will take the subway again in another life, but surely not in this one, thank you very much, so I'm afraid we will not see each other anytime soon..."

The message is clear and Aidan concedes defeat. "Well, Brian Kinney, in another life then."

Aidan watches as the other man begins to walk backwards. "Yeah, in another life, you never know what can happen..." Brian drawls. With these last words, his lips curl upward and finally, he turns around. Aidan stays here for a minute, observing this virtual stranger moving away. Finally, as Brian Kinney walks out of his life just as soon as he has walked in, Aidan starts to move in the opposite direction.

* * *

**_A few hours later, a studio in New York City..._**

**Justin’s POV**

The room is shining with bright light while the setting sun is offering its last rays of powerful sunshine.

The blond is focused on his work, a pulsating canvas made with vivid and sharp lines of paint. A vibration in his body makes him leave this unattainable state and, a few second later, he smiles as he hears his lover’s voice on the phone.

"Hey, Sunshine.” 

“Hey… I was just about to stop for the day. The light is beginning to fade.” Justin declares.

“So you’re going to honor me with your graceful presence soon?" Brian questions playfully. "How altruistic of you. I’m flattered, really…”

Justin can hear the teasing tone in Brian’s voice, and he smiles. “I will be there in about thirty minutes.”

“Well, hurry up. You couldn’t imagine how stressful my day was, and I really, really need a good reviver for releasing all the tension in my body. You wouldn’t believe how hard my muscles are right now…”

Justin laughs out loud. “It will be a pleasure to help you relax, Mr. Kinney.”

“Later.”

“Later.”

* * *

When Justin walks in the impressive hotel room of the Four Seasons, Brian is standing, his back to him, in deep conversation on his cell phone, either with a client or a member of his staff.

Justin comes up behind him, his hands reaching his partner's broad shoulders, and he starts to fulfill his promise of finding a way to help him relax.

The conversation lasts another couple of minutes. When Brian puts down his cell on the near table, Justin continues to work the hard muscles under his hands.

“So, do you care to tell me what happened to you today?” He inquires.

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me…” Brian responds with a satisfying sigh, visibly enjoying Justin’s attention.

“That must be something huge,” Justin remarks.

“You have no idea.” Brian turns in Justin’s arms. “I got the account.”

“Congratulations!" Justin exclaims. "Was there any doubt?” 

“Well, even the great God Kinney can fail sometimes, but that’s not the point.” Brian pauses, rolling his lips under almost bashfully. “I saved a life today.”

“Huh?” Justin frowns.

Brian clarifies with a chuckle, “I’m a fucking hero." In front of Justin’s quizzical stare, he explains, "I had to take the subway this morning.”

“What? You? In the subway?” Justin mocks as he bursts out laughing.

“Don’t fucking laugh, there was a taxi strike, in case you didn’t notice.” Brian retorts.

“Fuck, Brian, that must have been hell for you!" Justin exclaims with a grin.

“You don’t know the half of it. An old woman literally collapsed in my arms because of a stroke.” Brian discloses, knowing exactly how Justin is going to react.

“What? How? Is she okay?” Sure enough, Justin’s smile vanishes.

“Yeah, she is," Brian reassures his lover. "And I think she won’t have any sequels, thanks to my great person.”

Justin stares at him, seemingly waiting for more.

“There was a man who helped me resuscitate her.” Brian reveals.

Justin raises his eyebrows.

“So, he did all the fucking work, and I helped him, satisfied?” Brian huffs.

Justin grins. “And what do you mean, you helped him?”

“Hum….”

“Hum?”

“I assisted him.” 

“And?” Justin urges.

“I gave her mouth-to-mouth.”

Justin bursts out laughing, even harder than when he heard about Brian being in the subway in the first place. Brian pretends to be offended.

“You fucking twat, I knew I shouldn’t have told you anything!” Brian professes.

“You’re right. You shouldn’t have.” Justin replies with a smirk. “I’m going to call everybody as soon as you return to Pittsburgh.”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“You want to bet?”

“You’re aware that I’m going to have to punish you…” Brian drawls.

“Isn’t that the point of this whole conversation?” Justin counters with a mischievous expression on his face.

“I always knew that I kept you around for a reason.” Brian smiles and takes his lover in his arms.

Their lips meet then, warm and demanding for more, until Justin seems to pause for a second, a hand on Brian’s cheek. “Was he hot?”

“Who?” Brian answers between kisses.

“The man you helped.” Justin clarifies.

“Hum, yeah, he was.” Brian pulls back his head and grins. “And he was gay.”

“Unbelievable.” Justin smirks.  “Only you could be stuck in the subway trying to save a life with another hot gay man. Anybody else would have had to help a big, fat, and old straight man.”

“Well, it’s my aura, I can’t help it.” Their foreheads touch.

“And did the emulation caused by the thrill of saving a life make you two enjoy each other afterward?”

Brian pulls back then and searches Justin’s eyes. He holds his gaze for a long time before capturing his lips in a meaningful kiss, giving him an unspoken answer.

* * *

Later that night, while Brian’s breathing has started to even out, Justin stares at his lover for a long time. And he prays to whoever is listening, to give everything to this beautiful man and to let them share each other’s life for a long time.

That’s when he hears it. A whisper.

“I love you.”

This is it. The love of a lifetime.

And they both know it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is actually the first one I ever wrote (after the prologue Choices) and in English no less. Considering I'm not an English speaker, I don't need to tell you the grammar, writing, etc... is not so good. I promise my writing gets better after the ten first chapters or so (and I have a beta after a while, too) and I apologize for the mistakes or bad use of the words, etc...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year later, Justin leaves for Europe...

 

**_July 2007 - Pittsburgh_ **

**Michael's POV**

Ten stairs left.

Nine.

Seven.

Five.

Four.

Two.

One.

Michael is finally standing in front of his best friend’s door. He pauses for a moment, like paralyzed, and takes a deep breath. His right fingers grab the key in his pocket and he enters it in the lock of the loft.

At first, he doesn’t see anything. Not the shadow of a movement or the echo of a discrete noise. But as his eyes become more accustomed with the darkness, he sees a shape near a distant window and soon, his nostrils smell the smoke of a cigarette.

“Brian…”

The other man doesn’t move, doesn’t acknowledge the presence of his friend. He keeps smoking and staring through the darkness of the night.

Michael comes closer of his back’s friend and tries again to capture his attention.

“Brian…”

At last, his friend turns around to look at him. However, Michael wishes for a second that he didn’t disrupt him. The pain in his eyes is all Michael needs to see. It is soon replaced by a mask, but even then, the mask seems pierced with emotions.

 _Heartbreak, that’s what its look like,_ Michael can’t help but think.

“Michael…” A silence conversation seems to pass between the two men, until Brian understands. “He called you.”

“Yeah, he did. He was worried.” Michael confirms. He has received a call from Justin a few hours ago, to warn him that Brian would be back in the evening after their last goodbye in New York, and to ask him to be there for him.

“Well, I’m here, back in the Pitt’s, in one piece, so…” Brian shrugs his shoulders.

They stare at each other, both understanding that no words could really do justice to the situation. How do you put in words the feeling of having your heart stolen forever, but knowing that you have to stay alive anyway? And move on?

So Michael does what a best friend would do. He tries to lighten the mood.

“I bought food.” He shakes the bag in his left hand. “Chinese… and you provide the pot.”

“I do?” Brian says while crushing his cigarette in a near ashtray.

“Uh, huh…” Michael heads towards the kitchen counter, so as to put the bag on it.

“Christ Mikey! You look like your mother more and more every day,” Brian says with a funny look to his friend.

“Fuck you!” Michael smiles.

“You wish…” Brian teases.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, they are both spread on the floor near the couch, paper bags everywhere, Brian’s heavy head on Michael’s stomach; they are sharing very good pot.

“Fuck, I can’t believe you made me eat that shit, I must stink from my mouth.” Brian proceeds to blow in direction of Michael’s nose.

“Briiian!” Michael makes a disgusted face. “I corroborate, you stink!” They both laugh at the stupid joke.

“So,” Brian starts, “It’s just like old times, you and me, the Brian and Mikey show.” Brian states, blowing the smoke from the joint and doing rounds.

“Hey! Don’t forget Ben!” Michael exclaims, already a little dizzy.

“Okay; the Brian and Mikey show, with Ben on the side… Ouch!” Michael has just punched him in the shoulder.

“You deserve it.” Michael retorts with a smile.

“I thought I was the wounded man here and that you were here to take care of me…”

Michael stays silent for a few seconds and says, caressing Brian’s hair:

“I am,”

A minute passes, and Michael, maybe because of the pot - or maybe because he has no sense of self-preservation at all - ventures to talk about the reason of his visit.

“He wants you to be happy,”

“I know.”

“He loves you,” Michael insists.

“Michael…” Brian warns him. He is in no mood to talk about his feelings or Justin’s feelings right now.

“Sorry…”

They stay silent, both lost in thoughts, and Brian surprises Michael, but most of all himself, when he hears his own voice. Fucking pot.

“I couldn’t hold him back. He would have hated me in the end.”

“You don’t know that. But you’re both right, he couldn’t turned it down,” Michael’s heart goes out to his friend. “He loves you…but he doesn’t want to hold you back either, he doesn’t want for you to put your life on holds and to wait for him.”

“Yeah, pretty ironic when you think of it.” Brian says.

And he can’t help thinking _, because if he’d ask me, I would have._

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

The flight back to Pittsburg seems unreal.

In fact, the entire trip has seemed like it was just a dream, and not what it really was.

A fucking nightmare.

Brian had seen Justin one last time, one last night, and the memory of every moment is playing over and over in his head, like a broken record. Every touch, every silence, every kiss, heaven and hell at the same time.

Heaven because of the feelings they share for each other.

And hell because of that feeling.

_Finality._

When Justin had first called him two weeks before, to tell him about the offer to spend five years in Europe, Brian stayed with the phone in his hands during a long time after hearing the news. Until that moment, he didn’t know that his life would be altered seemingly forever and when it finally downed on him, he fucking freaked out.

He called Michael, who found him in his office in Kinnetik, with a lost look in his eyes, and silent tears running on his cheeks. He was sure that his friend would freak out too, he was Brian Kinney after all, and except after some past encounters with his old man, he never cried. And Michael, even if he was the only witness of his last weak moments, wasn’t his mother’s son for nothing. But, instead of the drama queen he was unconsciously expecting, Michael had just held him and never said a word, like he already knew.

Later, he learned that Justin had called Michael even before him, anticipating Brian’s reaction.

Fucking twat.

After his meltdown, he debated during twelve days about going to say good-bye to his lover. He wasn’t sure he would have gone, if not for Michael and Debbie pushing him and ordering Ted to pressure Cynthia to buy him a one way ticket to New-York.

So, when he sees him, alone in the gallery, he knows that this is it.

And when their eyes lock, he can see his own pain reflected in his lover’s eyes. And that feeling again. Finality.

He is proud of Justin. The boy became a man, going after what he wanted and fighting every ordeal he’s been through. He is a survivor.

Brian knows that he would have done everything in his power to change Justin’s mind if the blond had considered turning down the offer of spending five years in Europe. It is his achievement, and if one deserves it more than any other, it is Justin.

But it is so fucking hard to say good-bye.

They don’t talked much, preferring to hold, to feel, to touch, to express their love in every gesture they made. Their lovemaking is slow, precious and when Brian finally pushes into Justin, he knows that this feeling of _being home_ will never compare to anything else.

And then, when he wakes up in the morning, Justin is gone.

Gone from his bed.

And gone from his life.

And Brian can’t help but hope for a happy ending, even if he knows he has to try and move on.

But moving on can wait until tomorrow.

* * *

He doesn’t hear him at first, lost in all the feelings that are consuming him since he’s back a few hours ago.

He just came back from his trip to New York, and no one knows he is here. If not for Justin, Michael wouldn’t have made it to the loft so fast and he could have brooded in peace.

But luck is definitively not on his side.

He could tell his best friend to fuck off, but he isn’t sure Mikey wouldn’t refer to his mother, and Debbie on a mission isn’t exactly his idea of being in peace.

So, he sits down on the floor, eats the dreadful food he secretly enjoys, and let his best friend do his job. And after a while, it isn’t so bad.

Until Michael has the great idea to mention Justin.

Brian can’t help but ask himself if he is wrong and if he should have fight for Justin to stay with him in any way. Isn’t love supposed to be stronger than everything else? Shouldn’t being together is what truly matter, even if it makes you do bad choices about your professional life? And couldn’t they find another way of being together?

He knows that this reasoning is going nowhere, and that they had made the right decision, for both of them.

Justin had to go, there was no other way, and staying in a relationship would have tainted his trip with guilt and eventually, he would have come back sooner than expected, screaming under his breath that it was the right thing to do, and truly thinking it at the moment. But who could really say that in 5 years, ten years, or twenty years from then, it wouldn’t have come back in his face in a bang, haunting him and therefore, haunting his relationship too?

As for Brian, he would have done anything in his power to make Justin go, even unconsciously, because that is marked in his DNA. He couldn’t have stayed here, watching Justin fighting to make it, when he had given up the best opportunity of his life. And in the end, it would have altered their relationship, because Justin was in love, but not a fool. He wouldn’t have taken the pushing of the cliff with philosophy, when he would have been haunted by what he gave up in the first place.

And Brian can’t go with him. He has a son, friends, family and a company he can’t quit. Too many people depend on him.

But while his head is telling him that he made the right decision in letting his lover go, Brian’s heart isn’t so sure.

“What if I just made the biggest mistake of my fucking life?” Brian can’t help but ask his best friend, putting into words where his musings have been taking him.

“You didn’t.” Michael answers immediately, seemingly prepared for that kind of question. “First, you love him and you did what you thought was best for him, and believe me, it can’t be a mistake.” Michael pauses, letting the words sink in Brian’s brain “Second, you don’t know what the future hold for you or for him.” Michael looks at his best friend and adds “And third, I’m pretty sure you two will find your way back to each other if you really want to, at the right time for both of you.”

“Don’t!” Brian snaps and raises himself in a sitting position, his back to him.

Michael looks at his friend from behind, sensing the tightness in his broad shoulders. Eventually, Brian whispers, “Hope is the worst, I can’t allow it.”

Finally, he says aloud what he is supposed to do.

“I have to move on.”

Brian repeats the mantra in his head over and over, hoping that one day, he will really believe it. ****

* * *

**_Three months later, October 2007-Pittsburg_ **

**Debbie’s POV**

Debbie Novotny isn’t what you can call a discreet woman.

In fact, she is just the opposite. Loud, colorful, imposing, with a big mouth, a red wig and sporting proudly improbable shirts that only she could assume.

She is also the mother of all gay men, lesbians, transsexual, or undecided, and is often prying herself for being a good judge of character. She is the heart of the Liberty Diner, even if she has to cut her hours down because she isn’t the young lady she once was anymore.

Two of her favorite boys are here today, regaling each other with the latest gossip.

“You wouldn’t believe what I did yesterday night…”Emmett Honeycutt is in a great mood.

“Hum, let’s see, you had a divine conversation with Cher about her latest Chanel dress while being fucked by a nine inch cock?”

“Better than that,”

“What can be better than that for a Nelly bottom like you?”

“Teddy, you know me, I’m a queen and I like a little diversity in my sex life.”

“You were fucked by two nine each cocks?”

“Teddy!” Emmett pretends to be outraged.

“What, you just said that you like diversity!”

“That’s not what I meant!” Emmett comes closer across the table, like he is going to share a big secret with his friend, “I met a beautiful stranger and he fucked me without saying a word, nada, not a sound.”

“And that’s you big secret? You do it every day since you are sixteen!”

“Not like this!” Emmett explains, “I was at Woody’s last night, and this God alike guy came in and we accidently collide,”

“Accidently my ass…” Ted mutters.

“Teddy! Don’t be rude!” Emmett seems to think for a second, “Hum, where was I? Oh yeah, we collide and he looks at me; he doesn’t say a word, just takes my forearm and drags me to the restroom and God, it was so good! I haven’t been fucked like that in years!”

“Ah… I see; multiple orgasms! you should have started by telling me this, it would have explain your great mood a lot quicker.”

“What explains you great mood, Emmett honey?” Debbie joins the conversation, pretending to be here in order to take their orders, whereas she is listening to their conversation for a few moments now.

“Emmett had been fucked,” Ted explains.

“Teddy!” Emmett exclaims.

Debbie touches Emmett’s face with her finger. “No offense, honey, but you’re not exactly a nun.”

Ted adds, “and he was fucked by a really good stud,”

“The best!” Emmett can’t help but specify, clapping his hands.

“And he had multiple orgasms.” Ted concludes.

“Sweetie, that’s great. Always be good fucked and your life will rise up!” Debbie is proud of her gay boys.

“Debbie, how the world could survive without yours enlightenments, I really don’t know!” Ted laughs.

“It couldn’t sweetie. Or you’d be in deep shit!” Debbie agrees.

“Aren’t we always?” Ted can’t help but joke.

“Teddy, no offense, but sometimes, you have to turn your tongue seven times in your mouth to stop the words from spilling from it.” Emmett reprehends him and makes a face, “Eww…”

Debbie takes their order then and makes her way back to the kitchen. She is grateful to see that these two boys are happy and in a good mood, Ted having reunited with Blake some times before and Emmett… well…being Emmett.

But she can’t help but worry about one of her boy, and she wishes that life can help him going through the difficult time he is facing. To anyone who doesn’t know him, Brian Kinney still appears to be the sophisticated business man he is at day, and the narcissism and confident man he is at night, when he is leaving the sanctuary of his office that is, which seems to be less and less.

However, Debbie knows that this is just a façade. Justin’s departure has shaken him big times, and Brian’s walls are slowly but surely building up again. And that makes her sad, because to her, he is still the fourteen years old boy who was sliding into her house at night in search of tenderness and love, even if he will never admit it. It’s so unfair that he has to go through all this pain, after having accepted that he was human after all, and able to love, and more importantly to be loved.

Her heart goes to Justin as well; because even if he is the one who left, she knows he suffers as much as Brian over their break up.

Fuck, she can’t believe it’s even real.

And she can’t help thinking: _It’s not fair._

Just as she is coming from the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, a beautiful stranger sits on a bar stool, right in front of her. From what she can see he is wearing a leather jacket and a white shirt, and a cap over his head.

“Hey, beautiful stranger; what can I get you?”

“Coffee, black, no milk,” In front of the pointing stare he is receiving, he adds, “Please, Mrs.…?”

“Novotny. But everybody call me Debbie, Honey.”

The man nods, and Debbie can’t help but notice that Emmett is pointing at him with his forefinger, and mouthing without saying a word, “Stud from last night!”

Debbie grins inwardly; she serves a black coffee to the man, while being the witness of the enthusiasm in Emmett’s gestures.

“I haven’t seen you before,” The stranger raises his eyebrows at her. “I would have remember you, with a face like yours, sure to be matched by your butt if I may had…”

The man chuckles. “Are you always so straight?”

“Well, yeah; and I’m fucking proud of my big mouth. So, if you have a problem with that, that’s your problem to deal with, but certainly not mine.”

“Ok; duly noted.” The man seems amused.

“And between you and me, I think that you already turn heads over here.”

“Well; that’s my curse.” The man jokes.

“Oh, come on! since when a gay man doesn’t enjoy admiration from other men?”

“Why do you think I’m even gay?” The man inquires.

“Are you kidding?”

“Is that so obvious?”

“Well, yeah; considering that you’re in a gay diner, and that your fuck from last night is sitting right behind you, ready to faint just from being so close to you again,” Then, she adds, for the two friends who are pretending to be busy talking, while they are really listening to every word she says since she started speaking with the man, “and Emmett, stop listening to every word I say!”

“Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Emmett says, rising up from his place and coming closer to the bar, right next to the stranger.

“Oh my God! What a beautiful surprise! You again! We didn’t have time to be properly introduced last night, if I can say that, considering…” Emmett says with a smile and mischief in his eyes. “I’m Emmett, Emmett Honeycutt,” He extends his hand in direction of the other man.

While he could be annoyed by the plot he is subjected to, the man seems more amused than anything else; he shakes Emmett’s hand.

“Aidan Cole.”

“And this is my friend, Ted Schmidt.” Emmett gestures to his friend to come closer.

“Hi; nice to meet you.” Ted says, shaking the other man’s hand.

Aidan answers with a sigh of his head.

Debbie intervenes, “Boys; you know I love you to death, but couldn’t you leave the man in peace, and stop turning around him like vultures?”

The man grins. He likes this woman a lot.

“How can you say that Debbie? We’re just welcoming him like the good citizens we are. Hospitality is so important and often forgotten, right Teddy?”

“Yeah, sure.” Teddy supports his friend.

“So, if you need anything, and I mean _anything_ , you come and see me and I will do all I can to help you, it’s the least I can do.” Emmett adds with a smile to Aidan.

“Okay. I’m sure he gets it boys; now, go back to your booth, or your food is going to get cold.”

“Okay Debbie, we’re on our way,” Emmett addresses one last look at Aidan “Remember? Anything.” And with a wink, he follows his friend back to their booth.

As the two boys make their way back, Aidan can’t help but laugh.

“Is he always like that?” Aidan asks Debbie.

“Emmett? Yeah, but he was kind of subtle for once.” Debbie laughs, then looks at the man “You’re like honey in a hive Honey, or fresh meet if you prefer. All the bees and vultures from this burg will want a piece of you,” Debbie says with a pointing look. “So if you need help to keep them all at a distance, all you have to do is ask.”

“Thanks; but I think I will be fine.”

“You’re here to stay?" Debbie can’t help but ask.

“Actually, no. I’m visiting my sister. She moved in Pittsburg last year.” Aidan explains, and Debbie notices a sober, or maybe worried look on his face.

“Family; that’s the most important thing in the fucking world Honey. Good for you.”

Just as she is finishing her sentence, a voice from the kitchen can be heard, screaming “Debbie, orders are not going to be served on their own.”

And Debbie answers, with her big and loud mouth “Don’t be rude, or I will stick my pen up your fucking ass and you won’t be able to sit and to be fucked until next Christmas.” making her host laugh once more.

* * *

Debbie is serving her last plate to a couple of gays kids when the belt from the door of the diner sounds. Her beloved son and his husband come in. A few seconds later, Brian Kinney follows them. Debbie greets them all, before engulfing Brian into a tight hold.

“It’s good to see that you’re still alive; where the fuck have you been?" Debbie inquires with a slap on his head.

“Ouch, Debbie! you really know how to make someone feel welcomed…” Brian scowls, rubbing his head.

“Sorry Honey; but you can’t exactly say that you’ve been around lately. I’ve been worried about you.” Debbie confides, an aggravated look on her face.

“Thank you, Ma…” Brian whispers, for only her to hear. “But, I’m a big boy you know; I can take care of myself.”

“Sometimes, I doubt it.” Debbie insists. “Have you eaten today? I’m not sure you’re taking good care of yourself, you seemed to have lost weight.” She palpates him and orders, leading him to the booth where all his friends are sitting, “Here, come and sit down. I will make sure you have at least one real meal today.”

Still, as she is making her way to their destination, Brian pauses.

“Holly shit.” Brian says to himself.

When she turns to look at him, his gaze is on the beautiful stranger, still sitting at the counter. And the other man is watching at Brian with the same look of disbelief on his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We know more about Aidan and he and Brian when they meet again...

**_October 2007 - Pittsburgh_ **

**Aidan’s POV**

After having returned to America at the beginning of 2006, Aidan Cole stayed in New York and Harrisburg for 6 months before going on a new mission in Asia. In June 2006, he took off for India, where he stayed for more than a year.

The bustling streets of India was a real wonder to him, and Aidan loved to sit in a corner of the street, camera in hand as he opened his eyes to view the spectacle before him. The feelings he had and the moments he shared with the local population were really precious to him. That was his life, without strings, and if not for the feeling of not having a real home to go to at night, he knew he could carry with this life for a long time.

But at the end of September 2007, a phone call made him change his plans.

“You have to come home, she needs you,” is what his brother in law said, sounding unsure and desperate.

The words echoed in his head, like bells with endless sounds that would accompany him in his misty dreams. Because there is only one thing that could make him give up his traveler's job so quickly.

It was his home.

His sister.

So, when her husband, Samuel Miller, pleaded with him to come back, Aidan didn’t hesitate for a second. After having called his boss to warn him about having to go back to the States because of a family emergency, three days later, he was back and making his way into Pittsburgh International Airport.

His sister had moved here a year ago, after having spent all her life in Harrisburg.

She had met Samuel when she was 21. Samuel had been an intern in cardiology, who dedicated his life to his passion, medicine. Three years later, Olivia was married, with a baby on her way.

Aidan was 14 at the time, and being an uncle so young had been one of the happiest moments of his teenage years. Aidan welcomed Samuel like a big brother from the first time they met, and they shared mutual respect and admiration for each other.

Now, 19 years later, Olivia, Samuel and their two kids, Claire and Noah, had just moved to Pittsburgh where Samuel had been offered a position as Chief of Cardiology at Allegheny General Hospital.

However, it wasn't going as well as it seemed, according to Samuel. Having taken a new position in a renowned hospital, Samuel had to spend long hours there, leaving Olivia on her own. Claire, their daughter, had been admitted to Carnegie Mellon University and was living on campus, wanting to become more independent. Noah was in high school and spent a lot of time with his new friends, or when he was at home, in his room. Olivia had yet to find a part time job as a nurse, not really needing one for financial reasons, but she loved her work and she always found her own happiness sharing her time between her job, her kids, her husband and her little brother when he was there.

But as it seemed, the move had unexpected repercussions for Olivia, who, with no job and virtually no family around, was showing signs of deep depression.

Not knowing what to do with the little time he had at the moment, Samuel had called Aidan to help him, hoping that seeing her little brother would cheer his beloved wife.

The problem was, when Olivia saw him, it didn't work.

Not really.

And Aidan was worried.

Scratch that.

He was fucking scared. Because he had a feeling, a feeling he can’t explain, but he doesn’t like it.

And he hopes really badly that he’s wrong about it.

* * *

When he first saw her, Aidan couldn’t believe he was looking at his sister. She looked thinner, older, but it was her eyes, always joyful and sparkling, that hadn't even recognized him.

“Where were you? I was worried, you could have called me,” were the first words out of her mouth when she opened the door. Then, she turned back and retreated to the safety of her house, leaving Aidan on the open porch, dumbfounded.

He followed her inside.  “Livia, it’s me.” He looked at her as she paused.  “I’m back.”

She froze for a few seconds before finally turning around. All her demeanor changed.

“Aidan…” She stared at him. “Oh, God! It’s so good to see you! When did you …? Come here!” She extended her arms and he enveloped her in his strong arms, really feeling her, all small and fragile under his fingers.

“I’m so glad you’re here.” She sniffled on his shoulders, and Aidan couldn't help but worry a little more.

He had never seen her cry.

Not since their parents' death.

* * *

“Why the fuck didn’t you call me sooner?”

Aidan was furious and by the tone in his voice, Samuel had no other choice but to listen to him. He was in his office and hanging up would have only served to make his brother in law angrier, if that was possible, considering the tone of his voice.

“I didn’t realize it was so bad until recently.” Even to his own ears, that sounded like a pathetic excuse.

“What do you mean, you didn’t realize? It’s your wife, for fuck’s sake! You live with her! Or aren’t you there at all?”

“Aidan, I can’t talk to you right now, I have a consultation in five minutes.” Samuel avoided answering. “Listen, I will be at home by seven; we can talk about it then, okay?”

“If you are even five minutes late, I will come and get you and you will give me some fucking answers, capisce?” Aidan wasn't playing.

“I will be there.”

When Samuel hangs up, he puts his hands in his head and takes a deep breath.

If Aidan was reacting that way, it wasn’t good. Olivia and he had always shared a deep bound, a connection, and even if it  _ was  _ his wife, he wasn’t sure he was the one who knew her the best.

So, if Aidan was freaking out right now, it was not good.

Not good at all.

* * *

“So, spill it.”

Aidan and Samuel were sitting in the living room while Olivia was resting in her room. She was obviously exhausted by her endless insomnia, as Aidan had discovered when he had seen his nephew a few hours ago, which had been the only really good moment of his day so far.

“I don’t know how to explain.”

“Just try.” Aidan was losing patience, and knew he wouldn't be so polite if his fucking brother in law didn't start to speak soon.

“Well, at first, I didn’t notice that something was wrong. I was always at the office, and I thought that her strange behavior was the consequence of our move. She had lived in Harrisburg for all her life, after all, and she left behind her friends, her work, her home…to go with me.”

Aidan nodded, encouraging Samuel to keep going.

“I thought she was going to move on. You know your sister as well as I do. She always likes to volunteer and is so full of life, so I didn’t pay attention at first. But then, I don’t know, she seemed wistful and lost and… Christ!” Samuel passed a hand through his hair.  “I should have paid attention! Fuck!”

“Hey, I don’t understand, what happened?” Aidan was more and more worried with each passing minute.

“I…After a while, Noah told me that she was weird, like she wasn’t cooking anymore, or doing the laundry, or that she was forgetting to come and get him at school, stuff like that… I thought that it was Noah being Noah. You know how all teenagers are, always criticizing their parents, and finding excuses to leave the house all the time. I realized later that Noah was the one doing the cooking, the cleaning and all the chores in the house.”

“I took Olivia to the doctor, a friend of mine, and he diagnosed her with depression. That was two months ago. He put her under meds, and I hoped it would get better. I tried to stay with her a little more, but when things didn't change, that's when I freaked out and called you…”

Aidan stared at his brother-in-law with a questioning look.

“When I called you,” Samuel continued, “I was coming home early one day and I found her, with the phone in her hand, staring at it like it was going to jump her. When I took the phone, her friend Jessie was on the other line, saying, “What’s wrong with you?  It’s me, Jessie.”  Samuel looked at the floor, lost in his memory. “It seemed that the phone didn’t stop ringing all afternoon, but Olivia never responded to it until Noah put it in her hand, tired of the noise. When I arrived a few minutes later, Olivia was just listening to Jessie and claiming that she didn’t know her and that she wanted to be left alone...”

“…The look in her eyes, Aidan, it was…I don’t know.” Samuel put his hand on his forehead. “It was like it wasn’t her at all, like she wasn’t even there.”

_ Fucking Christ.  _ Aidan couldn’t help but blame Samuel for having waited so long to call him.

But most of all, he couldn’t stop blaming himself for not being here in the first place. He hadn’t seen his sister since May 2006, and he wasn’t great with phone calls. And, if he had been honest with himself, he had sensed something the last time he saw her, too, but he thought it had been an unjustified feeling at the time, caused by the imminent move to Pittsburgh, and the resulting anxiety that could emerge in such circumstances.

Unable to think properly and feeling that his head was about to explode, Aidan made a quick decision as he rose from his chair. “I need some air.” Aidan slipped on his leather jacket and added, “Don’t wait up for me; I need to be on my own right now. I'll be back tomorrow.”

Samuel watched him with the look of an exhausted man that had just run ten miles and was pursued by the devil. “Okay.”

Aidan headed to the door and paused in front of it. “What do you think is really happening?”

His back was the only thing that Samuel could see, so didn’t see the look of fear that appeared in Aidan’s eyes when he said, “I don’t know yet. But I have a feeling it’s more than just a depression. I hope I’m wrong.” He noticed Aidan tensing perceptibly.

Closing his eyes, Aidan took a deep breath. Then he opened the front door and made his way to the gay district. Fifteen minutes later, he was walking around on Liberty Avenue and turned off his brain.

Tonight, he wanted to forget, he needed to forget. Because he knew that tomorrow would come too fast, and just thinking about it made him want to scream.

* * *

**_Present Time..._ **

After a night of fucking and drinking, Aidan is exhausted. When he enters the Liberty Diner, all he wants is peace and quiet and coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

The waitress makes him smile and he even laughs a few times, including a rant about one of his tricks last night .

The easygoing vibe he feels in this diner is refreshing. Debbie, the waitress, is definitely a person larger-than-life, and the queen he fucked last night is doing all he can to make him notice him again. If not for Debbie, he would have told him to fuck off, because he is not in the mood. But all in all, he is more amused than annoyed, which is surprising considering his state of mind.

He sips his coffee, unconsciously delaying his return to his sister’s home. He refused to think about it last night, but now, with a few hours’ sleep at one of his tricks' places, and a rush of caffeine in his blood, he knows he has to face it, whatever it is.

He is just about to rise from the bar stool he is sitting on when he hears a voice and meets the hazel eyes of someone familiar.

It takes him about two seconds to recognize him.

_I can’t believe it,_ is all he can think as he stares at the man from the New York subway.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

Since Justin’s departure, Brian has lost himself in his work. If not for the frequent visits from his friends, and a few trips to see his son in Toronto, Brian’s life would consist of four words:

Work.

Booze.

Tricks.

Loneliness.

Not necessarily in that order.

At first, he decided to live his life, day after day, without thinking of tomorrow.

Drowning.

And pretending to try to stop drowning.

The only times he felt something real, something worth fighting for, was when he saw his son and his family. And he couldn’t thank his best friend enough, because Michael has been an anchor in the last few months.

His best friend has been here nearly every day, in one way or another, either by phone or inviting himself in the loft for an impromptu marathon of “Spiderman” or James Dean’s movies, always there to cheer him up. One month after Brian’s return from New York, Michael had come to the loft, told him to pack a suitcase for a week, and had taken his friend to Toronto to see their kids.

It was the beginning of a long and hard uphill battle, one whose purpose was to bring Brian back to the land of the  _ surviving _ ones, to the land of the  _ living _ ones.

But it was hard work, with relapses.

One day Michael found his friend passed out in the alley behind Babylon, and if not for the bartender who had found him while taking the garbage outside, Brian could have been robbed, or worse. That night, the only word that Brian said before passing out again in the safety of his loft, after having been carried by Ben and Michael, was  _ his _ name.

“ _ Justin,” _

Now, three months later, Brian seems to fight a little more.

A little. But he hasn’t stopped drowning yet.

* * *

When he enters the Liberty Diner, he prepares himself for the lecture he’s sure to receive from his foster mother. Debbie doesn’t deceive him, proclaiming to whoever want to hear her that he is too thin and that he isn't taking good enough care of himself.

Yeah, right.

But as a matter of fact, he is touched by her concern. He knows that she means well and that she is worried about him. Well, he can’t blame her, considering that if he was in her shoes - just the thought makes him shiver - he would be worried, too. Added to that fact is the knowledge that she had seen him often enough during his pain management campaigns over the years to know that he isn’t always the best candidate to deal with his feelings.

Well, that’s the understatement of the century.

As he follows her to the back of the diner, his eyes land on a hot man sitting at the counter. Brian doesn’t know why, but something about him seems familiar. So, when the man turns his head in his direction, visibly intending to stand up, he watches in disbelief as he recognizes the man from the subway.

“Holly shit!”

He doesn’t know why, but he starts laughing out loud; he doesn’t believe in coincidences, and yet, it has to be the biggest one in his entire life.

Everybody looks at him as he makes his way to the bar.

“Fuck me.” Aidan Cole is staring at him, dumbfounded.

“You wish!” he replies with a smirk. Ok, it’s a little bold; but hey, he is Brian Kinney, for fuck’s sake.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Aidan says, unflappable.

“Ah, the wonder of the world; it’s a good thing you were sitting, or I’m sure my mere presence would have made you fall flat on the filthy floor…” Brian quips with a smile at the corner of his lips.

“As I recall, I wasn’t the one who was spread on the floor the last time I saw you,” Aidan points out, an amused look on his face.

“Yeah, well, shut up; that’s just semantics,” Brian jokes, before asking, “So, what are you doing in fabulous Pittsburgh on this wonderful Saturday morning, besides stalking me? I always knew you had a crush on me; they all do.” Brian can't help it.

“That’s an interesting idea; but the truth is I’m trying to clear my head after too much drinking and too much tricking.”

“Ahh… Well, then, you have all my respect.” Brian takes Aidan’s cup of coffee and drinks it, scowling when he realizes there isn’t a once of sugar in it.

“And you, what are  _ you  _ doing here?” Aidan can’t believe that Brian - yes, that was his name - is here.

“You mean, besides this place being where I've practically lived since I was a teenager?” Brian raises his eyebrows, a habit that Aidan recognizes immediately.

“My condolences,” Aidan jokes.

“Thank you.” Brian plays along. “Debbie, the waitress, virtually raised me.”

“That explains a lot…” Aidan is smiling.

“Excuse me?” Brian feigns to be upset.

“I said, she is a nice lady…” Aidan smirks. “She is your mother?”

“Well, she is more of a mother than the woman who gave birth to me, that’s for sure.” Why is he sharing this with a virtual stranger, Brian doesn’t know.

Just then, Aidan’s phone rings, and Brian can’t help but witness the look on the other man’s face when he sees the identity of the caller.

“I have to take this."

“No problem.” Brian stands up and joins his friends at their booth in order to give him some privacy.

As soon as he arrives at the table, Emmett assaults him.

“You know him? Aidan Cole?”  _ Aidan Cole, yeah, that’s his name _ , Brian thinks as Emmett continues. “I can’t believe it. And here I thought it was the first time this beautiful stud was coming to our lovely city!” In response to Brian's puzzled look, Emmett explains, “He fucked me last night, and boy, he is a real man!  ALL man.”

Brian looks at Ted to clarify. “Multiple orgasms… and without a sound.”

“Yeah, without even some dirty talk, do you believe it? That man is a genius made just for fucking!” Emmett adds.

“Hum,” is all Brian says, and he can’t help but grin inwardly.  _ Well done Aidan; with Emmett, though? Really? _

_ “ _ So, how do you know him?” Emmett presses.

“Not any of your business, Honeycutt,” Brian retorts with a grin.

“Don’t call me Honeycutt!” Emmett answers loudly.

At this point, Aidan joins them, looking pale, and excuses himself. “I have to go,” he says to the table, even if he doesn’t know half of the people around it.

Then, looking to Brian, he adds, “It was good to see you again.”

“Likewise.” Brian holds his gaze and finally Aidan starts to move and make his way to the door of the diner. With one last look inside, and one last lingering look at Brian, he opens the door and leaves.

That is the moment that Debbie chooses to walk back to the table. She stares at all of her boys, who are sporting different looks on their faces:

A surprised look from Ted and Ben.

An envious look from Emmett.

A questioning look from Michael.

And a wondering look from Brian.

So, in contradiction to the fine lady she always presents to the rest of the world, she opens her big mouth and says:

“What the fuck was that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is complete, but at the time I wrote it, I didn't have a beta at the beginning (until chapter six), and I'm not an English speaker. So, all mistakes are mine.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family. And a new encounter...

 

**_December 2007 – Toronto_ **

**Brian’s POV**

In the months that follow, Brian  _ tries _ to go on with his life.

Christmas is fast coming and Brian decides to join everybody in Canada, far away from Pittsburg, which held too many memories, even if he would never admit enjoying them in the first place.

So, on the 23th of December, Brian board on a flight to Toronto with all his family and friends, inviting them to stay in a comfortable hotel not far from the Peterson/Marcus house; because if he is going to go through it, being on a real vacation like a big and happy family, he certainly will do it in style; and not in a suburban house.

He’s still Brian Kinney for Fuck’s sake.

* * *

“Dad!”

Gus is delighted to see his father and Brian wonders again how he could have such a beautiful son, who seemed to love him unconditionally no matter what happened. This feeling is the more precious thing in his world, and for a while, he can forget the void which is always there since last July, like a good friend that refuses to leave him on his own.

“Gus,” he takes his son in his arms, noticing once again that his sonny boy is growing up too fast.

“Thank god you’re here, he was climbing on the walls all morning, I was going to have to tie him up.” Lindsay says, taking Gus place in Brian’s arms, smiling to her friend.

“You wouldn’t dare, and where would you find ties anyway, unless…” Brian whispers in her ear and gives her a kiss, before looking at her, with a mocking look on his face. He notices that Lindsay is blushing and says “That’s my girl!”

“Brian!” Lindsay reprehends him jokingly, while punching him slightly in the stomach.

“Ouch! What is it with punch in this family? I’m not a punching ball, I swear!”

“You’re sure?” Melanie comes and greets him, smirking.

“Melanie, so nice of you to defend me, I’m dumfounded!” Brian can’t stop himself from teasing her. He’s quite sure she would be disappointed if he wasn’t his “charming” self around her.

Melanie smiles. “Come on, don’t stay at the door,” And, as an afterthought, she adds “Where are the others? You didn’t get rid of them already, did you?”

“Nah” Brian plays his role. “They’re making themselves comfortable at the hotel, they will be here shortly enough.” Brian came directly from the airport, wanting to see his son as soon as possible.

“Daddy, come to see my new pictures from my last soccer game, there are awesome!”

Brian laughs at his son, and follows him to his room. Twenty minutes later, they make their way to the backyard with a Soccer ball under Gus’s arm.

* * *

**_One hour later_ **

“So, how are you, really?” Lindsay asks his friend, who is sitting on the wooden bench on the left side of the backyard, watching his son playing with his uncle Ben. The rest of the family has just arrived a few minutes ago and Ben took pity on Brian, who had been running behind his son for more than thirty minutes at the time.

“I’m fabulous, as always.” Brian answers, a thoughtful look on his face.

“You don’t fool me you know…” Lindsay tries again. “I know it must be hard for you”

She looks at him, and Brian doesn’t agree or deny. He just keeps staring at his son, whose laugh echoes in the air.

“Life is a bitch. I should know.” is all he says, just before raising up to join his son once again.

* * *

**_One day later_ **

On Christmas Eve, everybody bustle in the house. The atmosphere is filled with laughs and shared feelings like friendship and a sense of belonging to a family.

Brian spends the day with his son, far away from Emmett’s rant in the kitchen, or Hunter and Michael’s screaming over Burnout Dominator, a new video game, on the Play station. Ben, Carl and Ted are taking care of Jenny Rebecca and watching the two other men trying to literally crush passers with their virtual sport cars and screaming with laughter, while Debbie, Blake, Lindsay and Melanie are trying to help Emmett doing the cooking, who is managing them like the real Chief he is.

Brian and Gus have the good sense of avoiding it all, as Brian has agreed to take Gus to the movie to see a rerun of Peter Pan.

* * *

Several hours later, they’re all around the table, sharing the stuffed turkey, corns, sweet potatoes and all the other dishes that Emmett wanted to be served for this great celebration. Everybody seem to chill out, enjoying the sweet atmosphere which is flooding the house.

“This stuffed turkey is delicious Emmett.” Debbie congratulates him.

“It’s always better when it’s stuffed and well oiled…” Emmett says, like he is sharing a big secret.

“Are we really talking about the turkey?” Brian asks innocently.

“Chaste ears, here, don’t forget it” Melanie reminds everybody.

“Hum, it’s so good…and melting in the mouth.” Ted raves.

“Ted!” Lindsay reprehends, laughing.

“What? It’s true!” Teds adds.

“Why does it have to look sexual anytime this words fall from your mouth?” Michael jokes, smiling.

“It’s because Teddy has a real talent with his mouth, I should know!” Emmett shares, winking at Blake.

“Eww, I’m not angry anymore.” Brian scowls “Just imagining Ted opening his mouth and doing…”

“Brian!” Lindsay and Michael interrupt him at the same time, while Melanie and Ben cover the children’s ears.

“What, it makes you hungry, really? Maybe you two should see a doctor, I’ll be worried if I were you.” Brian adds, grinning.

“Fffuck youu!” Ted snaps, his mouth full.

“Ted, stop it please, I’m gonna puke, really…” Brian frowns, obviously kidding, making his best friend laughs out loud. Teasing Theodore still is and always will be one of his guilty pleasure.

“Boys, children here…” Debbie reminds them, “And I know that gay men can’t stop themselves from thinking about it every nine seconds and all, but can’t you just behave yourself? It’s Christmas you know, Santa Klaus and his elves, the presents, Christmas spirit, does it ring a bell?”

“Every nine seconds, really?” Hunter exclaims.

Everybody laugh. And Brian thinks that this is it.

_ Family. _

Even if one person of this family isn’t here tonight.

And he misses him. So Fucking much.

* * *

As the drinks and the dishes are served one by one, laughing and talking filling the air of the house with a new emotion, Debbie decides to stand up.

“Attention please everyone,” She taps her glass with her knife. “I’d like to propose a toast.”

“I’m so happy, and proud, to be with you, at this table, tonight,” Debbie begins with moisture already appearing in her bright eyes.

“We’re family. Maybe not by blood, and maybe not to those fucking politicians who couldn’t see their asses if they were right in front of their nose; sorry Honeys…” she adds, looking at Melanie and Lindsay covering once more their children ears.

“But we’re family, in the sense that matters the most and I’m so fuc… so proud of all of you.”

Wine has really mellowed her.

“And I want to wish you all, to have a great life” and she looks at Brian as she adds, “and to find happiness. I love you all, with all my heart.”

Then, she raises her glass, eyes definitively full of unshed emotions and Brian, who is sitting right next to her, raises his glass too, before being snapped into a big hug.

* * *

**_One hour later_ **

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

Brian is sitting on Gus’s bed, and is about to switch off the bedside lamp. It’s eleven already and laughter can be heard in the corridor, once again bringing a sense of belonging which links all of them tonight.

“Sure, Sonny boy.” Brian pulls back a curl of hair from his son’s beautiful face.

“Why are you sad?”

Brian pauses.  _ Fuck.  _ He’s not prepared for that question, as he did all he could to be as cheerful as possible around his son. He doesn’t know what to say.

“I…” He opens his mouth and closes it. “I’m sad that I have to leave you again in a few days.” There, that’s not a lie, or not really considering the question.

“I’m sad too Dad, I wish you were here with me every day.”

Brian stares at his son and reaches to touch his check. The feeling of love that takes him is so powerful that Brian doesn’t even think about what he is going to say.

“I love you Sonny boy, so much… I wish I could see you every day too.” And that’s the fucking truth.

“I love you too Dad.”

As Brian takes his son in his arms and gives him a big hug and a kiss before letting him go to the safety of his bed, he doesn’t notice Melanie looking at him from the doorway, a wondering and understanding look on her face. So, he can’t know what she might think, looking at him at this instant.

_ Life can always have some beautiful surprises waiting for us. Never lose hope Brian. _

* * *

**_Three months later, March 2008, Friday night – Pittsburgh_ **

Woody’s is what you could call the place to be when you want to meet people, not that “meet” is really the appropriate word in this sentence. Gay men and lesbians are everywhere, coming to share a good moment with their friends or with strangers, and some hot bartenders are here to “help” the client being happy, and more.

On this Friday night, Brian makes his way into the bar, intending to meet his best friend and his husband, his accountant/friend and his partner, and the most famous Queen of Pittsburg. It’s been a long time since they all had a night together, all of them being busy with their lives; Brian is really looking forward to it, even if he will never admit it to a living soul. Nights on his own are lonely and work is nearly his best friend right now.

His eyes scan the room, and he spots his friends playing pool, and a few potential tricks as well. Even if he isn’t in the mood right now, one good precept that Brian Kinney never forgets to follow is to always be prepared for what might come.

Just as he is about to move in the direction of his friends, his eyes fall on a familiar shape, sat at the counter of the bar, on his own. Surprised and curious to see him there, Brian changes his plans and decides to go and greets him first.

“Hey,” Brian takes the seat next to him, while signaling the bartender to serve him.

“Fuck off…” is the lovely answer of the man who doesn’t even glance at him.

“How touchy tonight, what happened to you, you lost your puppy?”

Aidan turns his head and recognition can be seen in his eyes. Brian can also see blood in here, like he already had too many shots of beam.

“The ‘ _ subway man’ _ , unbelievable…” Aidan points out his drink for a refill to the bartender who is standing in front of him. The man frowns but in front of Aidan’s intimidate stare, he does as he’s told.

“Yeah, I know; I’m quite unforgettable.” Brian tries to gauge his reaction but what happen next is definitively not what he expected.

Aidan snorts and drinks his liquor in one gulp. He doesn’t seem to want to play friendly tonight. “Don’t you have friends to go to?” He asks instead.

“Somebody’s in a bad mood.” Brian pushes.

“Seriously Brian, just leave me alone.” Aidan sighs and takes his face in his hands, elbows on the counter. He seems exhausted.

“You don’t seem to handle being alone very well you know.” Brian glances at his once again empty glass, while taking note in some part of his brain, that the man next to him, even blind drunk, remembers his name.

“Fuck you!” Aidan mumbles, with a feeling in his voice that Brian recognizes too well.

_ Pain. _

Making a quick decision, Brian decides to try and see what’s going on, with an unique method. “Not tonight, I’m not sure you’re up for it.”

“What did you just say?” Aidan snaps.

“I said, you’re not in any shape to fuck.” Brian pushes him once more.

“You want to bet?” Aidan seems furious but with who, Brian doesn’t know.

“No. I’m not going anywhere with you in that state.”

“Fuck you!” Aidan is getting angrier with every word.

“I said no.” Brian answers calmly, staring at him, tongue in cheek.

“God, you’re so unbearable.” Aidan lowers his head, seemingly giving up the fight.

“I’ve been told once or twice.” he grins.

“I’m sure I can get it up.” Aidan decides.

“You cannot.” Brian enunciates slowly.

“I’m going to prove it to you.” With that being said, Aidan stands up, reeling, grabs the arm of a twenty something hot guy, and heads with difficulty in direction of the restroom.

Brian watches him disappear in the corridor, and doesn’t know if he has to respect the man for his stubbornness, or if the man is totally insane.

“Who was that?” Michael’s just made his way to the bar to order drinks for his friends.

“Aidan Cole, Emmett’s ideal man.” Brian answers without thinking.

“You remember his name?” Michael can’t help but tease.

“Seems so…” Brian is as surprised as Michael by that.

“He seemed pretty fucked up.” Michael observes, frowning.

“He is.” Brian confirms, an impassible look on his face.

Just then, Aidan and the trick come back from the restroom. Brian excuses himself from Michael and heads in their direction.

“Seriously man, you’re a waste of my time!” The trick doesn’t seem to have enjoyed their private encounter and is beginning to let it know, a little too loudly for Brian’s taste.

“Fuck you!” Aidan stammers, behind him, obviously in a worse state that before.

“Hey! You,” Brian grabs the twenty something man’s arm and whispers in his ear. “If you don’t shut up, I will say to everybody that you have crabs up your ass; so, if I were you, I would nicely go home and keep my mouth shot.” Next, Brian moves back and gazes at the man, waiting for his reaction.

“You wouldn’t dare.” The trick retorts, trying to appear self-confident when it’s obvious his confidence is decreasing with each passing second under Brian’s murderous glare.

“Try me.” Brian challenges him, raising his eyebrows. “Who do you think they’re gonna believe? You? Or me?” Brian’s reputation as the stud of Liberty Avenue - and as a man who never told craps or bullshit - is still prevailing in the Gay community. And the trick knows it. Add to that fact is the knowledge that Brian can be really intimidating when he wants to. The man is literally squirming now.

“Now fuck off!” Brian concludes. The trick doesn’t need to be said twice and leave the two men alone.

Brian watches as the man exits by the front door, making sure he gets the message. Then, he turns to look at Aidan who is holding himself against the wall. He looks pale, desperate and fucking wasted.

“Okay. Time’s up, grab your jacket.” Brian tries to give a direct order to the other man, hoping he will not fight him. But apparently, it’s not going to be so easy.

“No.” Aidan closes his eyes and leans against the wall.

“Yes.” Brian takes Aidan’s arm, meaning to make him move. No such luck.

“Damn it Brian just leave me alone!” Aidan resists, and frees his arm from Brian’s grip.

“No.” Stubbornness is second nature for Brian Kinney; and Aidan is about to discover it.

“Why? Why are you doing this?” Aidan looks at Brian with his bloody eyes, pleading with him to just leave him alone, and to let him swallow his misery in peace.

“Because you need someone right now” Brian held Aidan’s stare, which seems to clear a little with these words. Sensing an opening in the other man’s foggy mind, he adds “And I don’t know what is happening to you, but you will thank me when you will realize that staying here, by yourself, will only lead you to show all these people in this room how fucked up you really are; I mean, if you don’t throw up on the counter in the first place, which would be a sign nobody will forget. Imagine that, you will become ‘ _ The Throwing up man’. _ ” Brian waits and see the moment when his words sink in Aidan’s brain.

“God, I’m fucked.” Aidan lowers his head.

“Yeah, I think we just established that already.” Brian comes closer, and raises Aidan’s chin, to force him to look at him. “Now, I’m going to say good bye to my friends -who are watching our every move right this instant by the way - and you will follow me afterwards, without fighting me and without opening your big mouth, you understand?” Brian raises his eyebrow and waits for Aidan to answer.

All he gets is a nod. But that’s enough for now.

* * *

“Come on, I’m not Rambo, you have to help me here.”

Brain is half helping and half carrying Aidan to the ‘Vette; but the man seems ready to pass out.

“You don’t have to do this.” Aidan says while staggering dangerously.

“I know.” Brian doesn’t even know why he is here with this man instead of in company of his friends; or better yet, in a nice and willing ass.

“Where are  _ wa _ going?” Aidan doesn’t seem to know how to speak anymore.

“To my place.”

“I’m not going to fuck you, you know; you should find someone else.”

“What?” Brian’s not sure he heard him right.

“I can’t get it up tonight, can you imagine?” Aidan says, looking totally desperate.

Brian bursts out laughing.

“It’s not funny, I want to dig a hole and disappears in it, it never happened to me before.” Aidan complains.

“I’m sure you will be okay tomorrow.”

“Yeah; we will fuck tomorrow, I want to fuck you. Fuck, I don’t know what the fuck I’m saying.” Aidan’ s looking paler and paler by the second.

“You want to fuck me, that’s quite reassuring about your state of mind if you ask me.” Brian half jokes but is really beginning to worry.

“I’m going to be sick.” Just as the words come from his mouth, Aidan leans on the pavement, next to the gutter and begins to throw up.

“Jesus…” Brian knows that he will never makes it to the car, because he has a feeling that the other man is truly about to pass out. “Stay here, don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He turns around and go in search of his friends who are still into the bar.

* * *

Finally, Michael and Ben go with Brian to help him with Aidan. The man is dead on his feet and Brian couldn’t have carried him to and from his car. Not knowing where he lives, and not wanting to live him alone in his condition, they take him to the loft, and carry him on the sofa.

“Why are you doing this?” Michael is surprised that his friend wants to help this man, even knowing their shared history in the subway, which Brian has confided in a moment of weakness, after having eaten too many food, drunk too many shots of beam and smoked too much pot.

“Fuck if I know.” Brian is asking himself the same question “Thanks anyway; I know that wasn’t the kind of night that we planned, but I just couldn’t let a stud like him risking embarrassment in front of all the community. It was my duty to help him.” he adds, smirking slightly.

“Yeah, right…” Michael hugs him “Well, if you need help, call us.” Brian nods at Ben.

“Thanks, Mikey, Professor.”

“Good night.” They shot the door on their way out.

Later that night, while Aidan’s snoring softly on the sofa, Brian is sitting in a chair nearby, watching the other man sleep.

He wonders why he is doing this, spending his evening watching after a man he doesn’t even know, considering that their shared experience in the past is just a short moment in his life, the kind of moment when you have the feeling it was just a dream, like it never happened in the first place. So, he really doesn’t know why he is doing this, except that the man was in a bad place tonight and that he couldn’t let him drown on his own, knowing full well that it could go very wrong, very fast. If not for Mikey being there by his side since he was a teenager, Brian knows he could have killed himself more than once.

Then, he asked himself what could have happened to this man for him to drink himself into a near coma. And he knows it can’t be pretty; if the man tried to push him away at first, and if he tried to joke after having giving up fighting him, it has to be for a reason.

Because Brian knows what he had been the witness of tonight. It’s something that had always been here with him in the past few months.

It’s Pain.

In its purest form.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after...

**Aidan’s POV**

As Aidan awakes the next morning, his eyes open only to find they are fighting against beaming rays of sunshine coming through the very large windows of the loft. He therefore has no other choice but to immediately shut them again. He is suffering from the worst headache of his life and doesn’t remember anything about the previous night, although he vaguely recollects that he wanted to get wasting so badly that he went to a bar on Liberty Avenue.

After that, everything is a blur, and he doesn’t even know where he is or how he made it on to this white leather sofa. One thing he knows is that he is not at his place, which means that he had to be in a very bad condition last night to let someone help him, and to make him sleep here.

Then he remembers. Not the actual evening, which is still a fog in his memory, but he remembers why he was at Woody’s in the first place.

Fuck.

“Finally, Sleeping Beauty isn’t dead after all.”

The voice startles him, snatching him from his musings. When he opens his eyes once more he is looking at the face of no other than Brian Kinney.

_Brian Kinney, why the fuck do I remember his name?_

“Hi, I...” He’s speechless for a moment, wondering how in the world he has encountered this man, again. “What am I doing here?” His brain isn’t very cooperative right now.

“Well, you collapsed and wouldn’t move so I had no other choice but to let you snore and drool on my sofa.”

“I don’t drool.”

The only answer he receives is a raised eyebrow.

“Fuck, I must have been pretty out of it.”

“Try totally trashed instead, and you wouldn’t even be close.”

“Fuck.” Aidan passes his hand over his face. “Was it that bad?”

“Well, you couldn’t get it up.”

“What?”

“I said...”

“I heard what you said.” Aidan says with a movement of his hand. “But... you and me? Did I try to fuck you? And failed?” The look on his face is priceless, and if not for the obvious pain the other man is in right now Brian could have played him a little more.

“No, not me. For one, I do the fucking and believe me I would have never let you without a boner”, Brian teases, “and two, you tried to fuck a twenty something boy, nice ass if you ask me, but he wasn’t very happy with your performance or lack thereof.”

“God.” Aidan is so ashamed, and to know that Brian had seen it all...

“Well, you can call me that, considering I save you from the bad mouthing he was going to spread all over Liberty Avenue about your lack of performance.”

“You did, huh?”

“Yeah. Lucky you.”

“Why am I under the impression that I’m the one having to thank you right now?”

“Hey, I couldn’t let Emmett’s numero uno stud having his reputation destroyed during a weak moment.”

Aidan scowls. ”That’s your friend, right? The one I fucked?”

“Yeah, he has a shrine in his apartment just for you ever since.” Brian jokes.

“I’m entering the Twilight zone, that’s the only explanation for all this mess.” Aidan smiles a little.

He is grateful to Brian for having played the “savior extraordinaire” this time, and he knows that putting himself in such a bad condition, drinking shot after shot of beam and starting at six o’clock, is not one of his greatest move. In fact, it’s pretty stupid. Still, he needed it yesterday, just one night of oblivion, just one night of not having to look at his sister and to see it, this disappearance, this pain, this nightmare. God help him, but he had wanted to forget. _When all she wanted was to remember._

_Christ._

“Hey, you okay?” Brian asks, suddenly serious.

Aidan looks up at Brian. He feels something there, between them, but neither of them wanted to acknowledge it right now.

“I...” Aidan considers a lie, but decides against it. “Not really.” Then he remembers the last few months, and wishes it was just a nightmare.

* * *

All his life, Olivia has always been a mother to Aidan, and also his best friend. She has always supporting him, even when she discovered he was gay, she made sure he felt accepted and loved. Their shared history has bonded them forever, a brother and a sister, two souls that nobody could split, even if thousands of miles separate them a lot of the time.

When Aidan understood that something was seriously wrong with his sister, back in October, he was on a mission. After having lost himself last time in the gay district and having put his thoughts in order, he took charge of the situation.

He spent some time with his sister, and noticed a few odds things. She seemed confused sometimes, forgetting words or showing difficulties doing everyday things. She didn’t sleep because of insomnia, whereas she had always slept like a rock. Nothing too obvious, but for her brother, who knew her so well, it was disturbing. So, he decided to go to her doctor’s appointment with her.

The doctor, a bald man in his fifties, asked Olivia how she was feeling, or if she had any side effects with the treatment he had prescribed. Tiredness and anxiety, confusion or slurred speech could be observed in rare cases and Aidan was relieved by the doctor’s revelations, having been the witness of Olivia’s strange behavior in the last few days.

“It’s not common to have these side effects for a person of your age, but it happens sometimes. So, I will try and change your medication, and we will see each other again in a few weeks.”

“And what if the meds don’t change anything?” Aidan couldn’t help but ask.

“Then we will do some other tests. But don’t worry; I’m sure we won’t have to do that. We just have to find the right medication.” Then addressing Olivia, he added. “You need to sleep more; I will give you a mild sleeping pill, which purpose is to help you relax before going to bed.”

“Isn’t it too much? I mean sleeping pills and anti-depressant?” Aidan was not sure he liked it, even if it was for his sister wellbeing.

“Aidan, it’s okay.” Olivia didn’t like to see her brother so worried.

“Don’t worry, I have many patients who are medicated, and they’re happier with their lives now than when they came and saw me the first time”, the doctor reassured them before standing up, meaning that the consultation was over, “and one thing at a time. One, we treat the depression, and two, we will see about taking you off the meds, but it’s not going to be anytime soon.” Then as if it was an afterthought, he adds. “And you should consider seeing a psychologist, it might help you.”

“No.” Olivia was adamant.

“Your choice, but it could really help you.” the doctor insisted.

“I said no.”

The doctor frowned “Okay, as you wish.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Aidan helped his sister stand up, shook the doctor’s hand and lead Olivia to the door.

“And come see me in a few weeks, we will see how you feel by then.” The doctor reminded her.

She tensed slightly, though it was enough for Aidan to feel it. He frowned and looks at her, all small and fragile. As the two siblings made their way out of the building, Aidan couldn’t help feeling a weight had been lift from his shoulders and he hoped that they will be okay.

In the weeks that followed Aidan had no other choice than to go back in India. His employer, Robert Bale, owner of an independent journal delivered all over the word, was an understanding man, and also a friend. He hadn’t protested when Aidan had called him announcing that he had to come back to Pittsburgh because of a family emergency and Aidan was grateful for that.

Although his decision to move to Pittsburgh was made, in order to be closer to his sister, he couldn’t leave his employer without a man in the field, at least not until Robert found a suitable replacement. So, begrudgingly, he took a flight to New Delhi at the end of October, with a promise to his sister and his brother-in-law to be back as soon as possible.

For the first time in his life, he didn’t find the peace he was accustomed to when he put a foot on the Indian’s pavement of the airport. All he wanted was to get back on the plane and to go back to his sister. That’s when he knew he really wanted to go home. Not because he was feeling obligated, or because of his sister’s condition, even if it counted, but because he really wanted to be next to her and her family, and to stop this life of being on the roads every day. After having enjoyed it for more than ten years, he had finally had enough.

He had to stay a little longer than he had thought, and by the end of January he was still there, and getting pretty impatient. Samuel had found him a place to live not far from their house and he couldn’t wait to be there. When Robert called him a few days later to tell him that he could go home, he was relieved and ready.

So, two days later he left his life of traveling behind him and boarded a plane.

He was going home.

Admittedly, he was a little scared about what he was going to find there, but he truly wasn’t prepared for what was to come.

When he saw his sister for the first time in three months, he knew. He didn’t know how or why he had this feeling of doom which enfolded him, but it was there, intangible and inescapable. She was disappearing right in front of him and he couldn’t do anything to stop her.

Samuel hadn’t taken her to see the doctor because Olivia was resisting, like she didn’t want to know what was happening to her or like she already knew that she wasn’t going to get better with more meds or a shrink, or that she wasn’t going to get better, at all.

So, Aidan convinced her to see other doctors and specialists, sensing that something was seriously wrong with his sister. Regrettably, there weren’t any doctors who could tell him what was happening to her. In addition, Olivia wasn’t really cooperative, making the situation much more complicated.

Finally, her doctor referred her to a neurologist, who ordered a PET scan and an MRI for the beginning of March, after having seen her once and making her pass a test.

Aidan couldn’t help. He told himself that this was not a good sign and unfortunately he was right.

* * *

The news has the effect of a bomb.

His beautiful sister, his mother, his best friend, has Alzheimer’s.

Fucking Alzheimer’s at forty-three.

He can’t believe it. It’s worse that any scenario he had imagined.

Alzheimer’s.

Fuck.

The doctor explains that Alzheimer's disease is a neurodegenerative disorder that causes progressive and permanent damage to the nerve cells, causing the most common form of dementia. Of course, this disease is common in the elderly and much rarer in a younger person. It is due to the accumulation of abnormal proteins in the brain and while some symptoms can be treated, there is no cure.

No cure.

It explains all the odds behaviors of course: memory loss, difficulties to perform daily tasks, problems with language, loss of motivation, disorientation...

God, how is that possible?

Why is it happening to her?

_Why her?_

That day, for the first time in his life, Aidan feels a pain like never before, mixed with other feelings:

Loss.

Uselessness.

Helplessness.

Still he doesn’t show it. Not yet.

He held his sister in his arms for a long time that day. She doesn’t cry, just grips him with all her strength and he holds her, again and again.

In the days that follow, he was always by her side; trying to make her laugh, while knowing she has to learn to live all over again, with new rules, new methods and new constraints. He stayed with her and Samuel; sensing when Claire and Noah arrive home, that neither, Olivia nor Samuel will have the courage to tell them that all their lives will be altered forever. So, he does, and when tears spill from their beautiful eyes, he isn’t sure he isn’t crying himself. He looked intently at his sister, who shows her gratitude by holding his stare as silent tears running down her cheeks.

He left them on their own afterwards and that night all he wanted was to forget.

So, he headed in direction of Liberty Avenue and by eight o’clock, he is already wasted; finally forgetting, even if just for a short time.

* * *

  **Brian’s POV**

When Brian wakes up in the morning, after a restless night, filled with various thoughts about his life and various dreams about a blond angel, he is confused for a second when he observes Aidan Cole, spread not so beautifully on his white leather sofa. As he approaches with a soft step, he has flashes of the night before and of the events that brought them here, at this instant; with him standing up, wearing nothing but black underwear, inside his not so warm loft, and Aidan, fully dressed in front of him, snoring softly and even drooling on the not so cold material under his face. The scene would be comical if Brian didn’t have the impression that he was on a fucking drama show in the first place, where the drowning hero had just met another drowning hero, to make sure they could share their painful experiences with each other and that they could cry endlessly on each other shoulders. Okay, so it is not really a drama, but more a scene from a comical play, or even worse, a romantic comedy, when two people in love with other people just find out in the end that they really were made for each other. _Christ, stop taking drugs Kinney, it makes your thoughts fucking disturbing._

Brian heads to the bathroom where he takes a long and leisurely shower in order to clear his foggy thoughts, and after having slipped on a pair of dark jeans and a white tee shirt (Armani of course), he makes his way to the kitchen to put the coffee maker on. Then, he goes in search of the daily newspaper and finally, he sits on a bar stool and begins to read the news.

Ten minutes later Brian is getting impatient and begins to ask himself if his guest isn’t indeed in a deep coma, considering he has been asleep for ten hours straight now. It’s nine in the morning and the sunshine is pouring through the loft windows, bright and flooding the wooden floor.

He gets closer with a cup of coffee in his hand and just as he is about to enter the open space of the sitting room he sees Aidan, obviously wincing. Whether it’s because of the rising sun, or, and it’s his best guess, more likely because of the throbbing headache he must feel right now.

“Finally, Sleeping Beauty isn’t dead after all.” Brian can’t help but drawl, even if he knows the man must regret having being so fucking stupid with his booze.

Aidan seems surprised to see him. Well, he should be, because Brian really doubts that he remembers a thing about the night before.

“Hi, I...What am I doing here?” Aidan mumbles.

Brian can’t help it and smiles inwardly. _This will be too easy._ “Well, you collapsed and wouldn’t move so I had no other choice but to let you snore and drool on my sofa.”

“I don’t drool,” Aidan scowls. The look on his face is priceless.

Brian’s only answer is to quirk an eyebrow.

Aidan sighs in defeat. “Fuck, I must have been pretty out of it.”

 _Yeah, blind drunk and totally wasted, and it’s not even covering up.“_ Try totally trashed instead, and you wouldn’t even be close _."_ Brian confirms.

“Fuck...That bad?” Aidan squirms.

 _Now the good part,_ Brian muses, before dropping the bomb. “Well, you couldn’t get it up.”

“What?” If Brian thought that Aidan’s face was priceless before, now, it’s truly invaluable.

“I said...” Brian starts, but Aidan cuts him off.

“I heard what you said...but...you and me? Did I try to fuck you? And failed?” Aidan laments. Seeing the man so contrite makes Brian want to laugh out loud. It takes all his willpower to stop himself from refraining himself. He finally decides to shorten Aidan's suffering, and reassures him that his secret, or rather his shame, is safe.

As the conversation flows, Brian observes the man. He seems lost, like he doesn’t know what to do with his life, like he is preparing himself for the pain he’s sure is coming, and tries his best to hide it. Brian feels a connection here, because he can feel the pain of the other man, having been here himself too many times.

“Hey, you okay?” Brian asks, suddenly serious.

“I...” the man takes a deep breath and says “Not really.”

No shit.

“You want to talk about it?” When he hears his own voice Brian can’t help thinking that it’s him who is entering the Twilight zone now. _Really Kinney, you want to talk and not about the weather, but about pain? That’s it, I’m fucking losing it, I’m good to lock up in the asylum._

“I...”

Brian waits, half hoping Aidan will say no, while another part of his brain doesn’t cooperate with this feeling.

_After that, I call Mikey and ask him to lock me up, that’s official._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Flossee who was my beta from this chapter till chapter ten.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after continues. Brian and Aidan discover more about each other...

**_Meantime at Ben and Michael’s house_ **

**Michael’s POV**

When Michael wakes up, the morning after their aborted night at Woody’s, his husband is standing in the kitchen, a cup of tea in his hands and glasses on his aquiline nose, reading a book as he does every morning while the house is quiet. Usually at this time Michael would already be at work on a Saturday, but today isn’t a usual Saturday. Michael has taken the day off. He arranged for a student, who he employs part-time and who likes working extra hours in his comic book store to cover for him, as he thought he could use a little rest after the night they’d planned. So, he joins his husband in the kitchen.

“How are you feeling?” Ben greets him with a peck on his lips.

“Good. You?” Michael answers.

“I’m okay. I am just finishing reading this book for my next class.” Ben nods, indicating the book in his hands.

“Great. And do you think we could, I don’t know, maybe enjoy ourselves with others activities?” Michael asks, as he displays a big goofy smile on his face, while his husband takes him in his arms.

“That’s an interesting idea.” Ben smiles.

“Well, I’m an interesting man.” Michael declares.

“Yeah, you are.” Ben leans closer, inhaling deeply.

They share a kiss, a prelude of what is to come.

Then Ben looks at his husband and smiles. “Have you called Brian yet?”

“No.” Michael responds with a slight shake of his head.

“Well, do it now, I will be waiting in the bedroom, or would you prefer we take a shower?” Ben questions.

“Hum, I think I could enjoy a really good, hot, shower.” Michael teases, emphasizing the word ‘hot'.

Ben laughs, “Ok, hurry up,” before heading upstairs.

Michael takes the phone into the kitchen and presses the keypad to enter one of the three numbers he knows by heart, the other two being his mother’s and his husband’s numbers.

“What?” Is the welcoming greeting from his friend when he answers the phone, after a few rings. Okay, a lot of rings.

“Hello to you too. Had a busy night?” Michael quips.

“Michael.” Brian says as a way of greeting.

“Yeah, who did you think it would be?” Michael retorts.

“The Pope of course.” Brian sounds sarcastic this morning.

“Of course... So, is your guest still there?” Michael asks.

“Yeah.”

“And?” Michael pushes, curious as to what transpired the night before, after their departure.

“And what?” Brian’s antagonism of being a communicative man this morning is clear.

“Oh, I don’t know, did he explain to you his exploits from last night?” Michael is really curious, knowing it’s not every day that his best friend helps another unknown human being. In fact, if he thinks about it, he’s not sure it has ever happened before. Okay, maybe, a few times...

“No.” No such luck Michael.

“You’re very eloquent this morning.” Michael tries to get his friend to talk, but it’s more difficult than making a monkey sing.

“You noticed?” Brian sardonically replies.

“Yeah.” Michael waits, and after admitting to himself that it is obvious his friend is not going to confide in him any time soon, he adds, “so, you’re okay?”

The reply is in the form of a snort, and then nothing. Michael isn’t sure his friend hasn’t hang up on him.

_Asshole..._

“Brian?”

“I have to go,” is the unexpected answer - or expected; it just depends on which side of the fence you’re standing.

Now, Michael is beginning to get pissed. “Okay.”

“I will call you later.” Brian promises.

“Okay.” That’s surprising.

“Michael.” Brian insists and he finally gets it.

“Yeah, okay, I get it, you’re not alone and you can’t exactly talk right night, and I’m just the dumb friend in this play.” Michael resumes what he thinks to be an accurate thought.

“You’re a little slow, but there’s still hope”, Michael can hear Brian’s grin all over the phone, “which is a relief.”

“Fuck you.” Michael half reprehends, half smiles.

“Bye Mikey.” Then he’s gone, leaving Michael with the phone in his hands, asking himself:  _what are you doing, Brian?_

* * *

  **Brian’s POV**

When the phone starts ringing just as Aidan is about to answer his question, Brian doesn’t know if he must feel relieved or pissed.

 _Definitively pissed,_  considering the phone doesn’t stop ringing until he picks up.

“What?” He barks into the phone.

Of course, he should have predicted that his best friend wouldn’t be able to wait before calling him and asking him about the latest gossip happening in his life. Okay, so the only gossip in his life, since there wasn’t anything really exhilarating happening these days.

After having hang up with his best friend, not without the promise of calling him back, Brian turns back to his... _what exactly? Not friends, not lovers, merely acquaintances really._

“I should go.” Aidan seems unsure of how to proceed during this “morning after”. No surprise there, considering he almost puked in Brian’s arms. There are better ways to get acquainted.

“You’re sure?” Brian questions with a frown. Why does he give a fuck anyway?

“Well, I’ve already taken too much of your time and I don’t want to be an imposition.” Aidan declares as he stands up from the couch.

“You don’t...you’re not...I mean”, _Shut up, or this guy will think you’re a good Samaritan, or worse, that you’re actually nice_. But that thought doesn’t stop Brian from specifying, “Believe me, if I wanted you gone, you’d be gone.”

“Yeah, I believe you.” Aidan looks at him. “I... Can I take a shower? I stink.”

“Over there”, Brian points at the bedroom. “It’s the door in the back; there are clean towels and an extra toothbrush under the sink.”

“Thanks.” Aidan gives him a nod.

Brian’s gaze follows Aidan as he makes his way to the bathroom, and closes the door. Then, frowning, the brunet returns to the kitchen and waits for his companion, while he finishes reading the newspaper.

Twenty minutes later when Aidan comes back into the living room, Brian just stares at him.

Aidan is only wearing his jeans and the impromptu show is nothing but spectacular. His body is lean, yet muscular; dark complexion, broad shoulders, flat stomach with firm abs and a toned chest. Drops of water are falling from his dark blond hair. He looks really edible. _More than edible. Fuckable_.

_Slow down Kinney, the man isn’t up for it._ _Yet..._

“I was wondering if I could borrow a shirt, mine isn’t really wearable.” Aidan asks him, a vulnerable look on his face.

Brian swallows. “You sure you want to put a shirt on?” The questioning look on Aidan’s face makes Brian smiles. “Don’t play the prudish little girl with me. You know you’re fucking hot.” A blunt approach has always been Brian’s philosophy.

Aidan blushes, visibly not knowing what to say. It’s kind of cute. 

Brian decides to put an end to the man’s misery while searching for a shirt. “I can’t help it, teasing is second nature to me.”

That makes Aidan smile, finally. 

“You’re quite a character you know,” Aidan states while staring intently at him. “I noticed it the first time I saw you.” The man takes the clothes Brian gives him.

“Yeah, that’s me, while you are the “Savior extraordinaire”, I’m the unforgettable man and if you need proof, all you have to do is ask around. All the lucky fags in this burg could tell you how unforgettable I really am.” Brian quips.

Aidan keeps staring at him, making the temperature rise suddenly. “I’m sure.”

_It’s fucking hot in here. Focus Kinney._

Brian breaks the stare as Aidan begins to put the shirt over his head. If he had kept looking, he fears he might just have forgotten his good intentions and he would have to fuck the other man right here and right now, _and since when does Brian Kinney takes in consideration other’s feelings? Fuck, I’m getting old. Or worse, I’ve being contaminated._

And he can’t help but think of him.

_Justin._

Brian closes his eyes for a second. Thinking of Justin always brings a hurtful pang in his chest.

Therefore, he decides to refocus his thoughts. “You’re hungry?”

Aidan seems to consider his words, before answering, “Actually, yeah.”

“Okay, let me get a jacket and let’s go.” Brian offers.

Ten minutes later, Brian is parking the ‘Vette in front of the Diner.

* * *

  **Aidan’s POV**

Aidan doesn’t know how to feel when he hears the phone ringing. Brian finally responds to it, giving him a reprieve and a few more minutes to gather his thoughts. His sister has been the only thing on his mind these past few weeks so he allows himself to analyze his glorious night of drinking instead.

 _Glorious in his absurdity, I’m sure,_ Aidan muses. As for the rest, he truly doesn’t remember anything and that is saying a lot about his state of mind the night before, because as far as he can remember, this kind of blackout happened to him only once, when he was young and inexperienced.

He is relieved that Brian was the one who have helped him when he was in no condition to take care of himself. If not for him, Aidan doesn’t know what could have happened. However, he knows he has spoiled the other man’s evening with his friends and he is sorry for that, but grateful. He should really leave the man in peace now.

“I should go,” he finally announces.

The other man’s reaction is not what he expected and he can’t help but being glad that Brian doesn’t want to get rid of him at the first opportunity. He even takes a long, hot and enjoyable shower, and for a minute he is in heaven. He soon realizes that he doesn’t have any clean clothes with him. His jeans will do, but his shirt is too dirty to wear again.

When he returns from the bathroom, with only his jeans on, he unconsciously knows how Brian will react. He is aware of the effect he has on other men, and he has a feeling Brian will be no exception. But he is fucked up this morning, so he doesn't really think about it before seeing the look on Brian’s face. A stare that makes him hot. Really hot.

“You sure you want to put a shirt on?” Brian speaks. In front of Aidan’s gaze, he adds, “Don’t play the prudish little girl with me. You know you’re fucking hot.”

Aidan feels himself blushing.  _God, I can’t believe it, I look like a girl with a crush. Aidan, for fuck’s sake, get a grip._

“I can’t help it, teasing is second nature to me.” Brian reveals with a grin.

Aidan smiles. _No shit_.

“You’re quite a character, you know?” Brian’s gaze is on him, and Aidan keeps staring at him, seemingly unable to stop. Brian answers something about being unforgettable, and Aidan feels like he is hypnotized, and doesn’t think before saying, “I’m sure.” _Fuck, it’s hot in here._

Fortunately, Brian breaks his stare and Aidan proceeds to put the shirt on. When Brian asks him if he is hungry, Aidan understands that he is giving him, or them, a way out.

* * *

**_A few minutes later, at the Diner_ **

“Look who’s here! Over here!” Debbie’s loud voice greets them from a booth in the middle of the diner.

“Shit. We can never have a moment in peace in this burg.” Brian mumbles.

“Aren’t they your friends?” Aidan looks at the booth, where he recognizes two of the three men from his last visit in the Diner.

“Friends? What Friends? I don’t have friends.” Brian tells him, looking serious, if not for the mischievous gleam in his eyes.

“Sure you have Mr. Almighty. Come here and sit down, will you?” Debbie slaps his head.

“Ouch, Debbie, that’s a nasty habit you have. You should consult a professional, because you must have had a serious trauma for you to have a kink like that,” Brian declares, as he scowls and touches his head.

“Shut up and sit down with your friends, asshole.” Debbie barks. Emmett, Ted and Blake are watching the scene, amused. And Aidan just watches Debbie, obviously asking himself if she’s real. Then she turns towards him, “Hello Sweetie.”

 _Sweetie? Does she really think he is the sweet kind of guy?_ Aidan inwardly cringes.“Hello Debbie.”

She looks at him and recognizes him. “You’re Emmett’s idol! I remember you.”

_Please, if anybody tells me once more that I’d fucked this guy, I’m digging a hole, I swear._

Debbie looks between him and Brian with a wondering look on her face and then finally, she goes to take other customer’s orders.

“Hi Aidan, it’s so good to see you again!” Emmett greets him, while Ted and Blake smile at him.

Brian and Aidan are still standing. “Hi Emmett, hi guys.” Aidan answers.

“You remember my name?” Emmett turns and looks at Ted. He puts his hand on his heart while he feigns crying. “He remembers my name. Do you believe it? It’s better than Christmas!”

Ted and Blake laugh.

In front of Emmett’s obvious exaggeration, Brian reassures Aidan. “Don’t mind him, he is a little proud and loud, but he is a real queen, and has a reputation to uphold.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Aidan smiles. “So Emmett, would you do something for me?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Emmett teases.

“Well, I think that’s the polite thing to do, considering we’re all good citizens and all...” Aidan responds with a smirk.

Emmett’s eyes grow wide. “You remember that?”

“Well, you’re hard to forget, you know.” Aidan quips.

“Are you implying that I’m not the subtle type?” Emmett plays along.

“Something like that.” Aidan seems to be enjoying the tongue-in-cheek banter. “So, considering you seem to be a fashion queen, can you tell me where are the places to go to buy decent clothes in Pittsburgh?”

Brian thinks he’s hallucinating. “You’re asking him? Really? Are you insane?” He asks as he touches Aidan’s forehead for good measures.

Aidan laughs, making a move to push Brian’s hand off his face. “Fuck you!”

Brian smiles. The others just stare at the two men, who seem oblivious to the incredulous looks they are receiving.

“Okay, game over.” Brian announces. “It was a nice interlude boys, but I’m starving, so, if you’ll excuse us...” Then he heads to an empty booth, far away from them.

“Well, it was nice to see you again.” Aidan bids goodbye to the three men and follows Brian.

Ted’s the first to speak “Did you see that?”

“Yeah.” Blake confirms.

“Seems that Brian has made a new friend.” Emmett says.

“A friend. Sure.” Ted seems to think about it for a few seconds. “They’re going to fuck...”

“Yeah, it’s a safe bet. The real question is when?” Emmett searches in his pocket and comes out with a twenty dollar bill and puts it on the table. “So Teddy, what’s your prognostic?”

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

As they make their way to the last booth, Brian releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Submitting Aidan to his friends's inquiry hasn’t been his intention when he decided to come with him to the diner, and he is grateful that they have refrained from questioning Aidan, without Brian having to intervene and threaten them with a slow and painful death.

Aidan seems more relaxed, and Brian is feeling quite proud of himself. It seems that his attempts at cheering the man up have been successful after all.

“So, what can I get you?” Raising his gaze, he meets the not so sincere smile of his foster mother, who obviously didn’t get the memo about minding her own business. Intimidating people is hard work and intimidating Debbie is like wanting to make Mikey stop whining. In other words, it’s impossible.

“I will take a coffee and white eggs.” Brian declares. Debbie takes his order and waits for Aidan’s.

“May I have orange juice, coffee, fried eggs with bacon, and French toast?” Aidan raises his piercing green eyes and looks at her, a big smile on his face. “Please, Debbie.”

Brian smirks. _Well done Aidan, now, she will think you’re one of her lost boy. You don’t know what you’re in for._

However, Brian notices that it seems to have deflected her from her first goal, which undoubtedly was to pry into his personal life. “Sure thing Honey, I will be right back.” Debbie gives him one of her most shining smile and moves away to another table.

_Thank God._

Brian looks at Debbie’s retreating form, before leaning over the table and snapping his finger in front of Aidan’s face. “So, do you feel better already?”

Aidan, who seems lost in his own thoughts, turns his head and looks at him. “Yeah, I’m feeling human again, and that’s a really good feeling.” He looks down at his hands and finally peers up. “I really want to thank you for all you’ve done for me in the past twelve hours.”

Brian’s squirming under the intense stare of the other man. He’s not exactly used to that kind of gratitude. “It’s nothing.” _Yeah, really nothing, considering it’s the first time I helped a drunk man in a bar, other than my friends. Wait, have I already helped them, even once?_

“No, you’re wrong,” Aidan insists. “It means a lot to me.” Aidan then covers Brian’s hand with his own, tightening his grip briefly before releasing him.

The spark that Brian feels all over his body at the mere contact is disturbing. _What the fuck?_

“You must be curious about the reason for my pity party yesterday?” Aidan questions.

Brian, who is still fixing his hand, gazes up and nods, encouraging Aidan to continue.

“I... Well, I just learned that my sister has Alzheimer’s.” Aidan pauses, letting the words enter Brian’s brain. “Considering Olivia is my only family and that she is only forty-three, it hit me hard. I needed to forget for one night, which is pretty ironic when you think about it.” 

“Your parents?” Brian inquires.

“They died when I was seven. Olivia took care of me after that. She became my foster mother, like Debbie is yours, except not with the exactly same personality.” Aidan tries to joke.

Brian makes a quick deduction that would explain Aidan sudden appearance in Pittsburgh. “She lives here?”

“Yeah, she moved here last year. Her husband is a Cardiologist at Allegheny Hospital.”

Brian doesn’t really know what to say after that. He doesn’t know much about the disease, except what everybody else knows. He can’t imagine what it feels like having someone you love, slowly, but surely being swept away from you.

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. For the moment I have to be here for her. I can’t think beyond that, though.” Aidan reveals.

“Well, if you need anything...” Brian takes his wallet out of his pocket and pulls out a card. “Just give me a call.”

Aidan takes it. Just as he is about to speak, Debbie appears with a tray. “Here Sweetie, your coffee, eggs and bacon, and French toast,” she places every dish on the table. “And your orange juice.” She then addresses Brian, “and you, here.” She put a coffee, eggs and wholemeal bread in front of him.

“I didn’t order that.” Brian says, pointing to the wholemeal bread with his finger.

“I know, but you’re not taking enough care of yourself, so just eat it and stop whining, you sound like my son.” With that retort, she turns on her heels and rushes to the kitchen.

When Brian recovers from her diatribe, he realizes Aidan is trying to stop himself from laughing, and failing.

“Fuck you,” Brian declares but chuckles nonetheless, before putting a large slice of wholemeal bread in his mouth.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two months after that night, things are going to evolve again...

**_Two months later - May 2008 – Pittsburgh_ **

**Ted’s POV**

That last year had been a very busy time for Kinnetik. Busy and Profitable. Ted Schmidt considered himself a lucky man, being the CFO of such a flourishing company and having a beautiful life partner by his side.

His boss is a genius in advertising. In fact, Brian Kinney is a genius in a lot of areas, and more than that, he is first and foremost a good friend.

Ted has witnessed the changes in his friend over the last few years. At first, like many others, all Ted saw in Brian was the endless club boy who made a point to show the world the narcissistic, heartless bastard he could sometimes be. “You’re all you have, you’re all you’ve got”, was a philosophy that Ted didn’t understand for a long time, thinking that it was just a way to assume the selfishness that came with the man. Now he knows he was wrong, the years having brought him a new insight in to the other man’s life; in fact, if he was to define the word “antonym” for Ted the example would be Brian Kinney and selflessness.

If not for Brian, Ted knows he wouldn’t be where he is today. The man saved him, literally, offering him a job when no one else would.  Even if Brian never admitted wanting to help him in the first place, instead in true Kinney fashion saying it served his owns interests, Ted knew the truth. What Ted found difficult to understand was the fact that his friend had wanted to hide it, and chose to be seen as an arrogant bastard rather than who he really was, a fucked up, but generous man. Working with Brian has helped him understand the man beneath the image, yet, it is still difficult to figure him out sometimes.

This last year has been hard for his friend. Justin’s departure nearly broke him and Ted couldn’t do anything, but be there for him, especially when Brian was too fucked up to come to work. It didn’t happen more than a few times, Brian wasn’t stupid enough to jeopardize what he worked so hard for, but when it did, Ted was there to cover for him and to offer his support, in one way or another.

Brian was grateful for that. Of course, he never admitted it to Ted, or he would have had to fire him, but Ted knew it.

He remembers the conversation they had three weeks ago, when Brian had just seen Jennifer by accident. Ted was going to Brian’s office on a Monday morning, wanting to greet his boss at the beginning of the week as usual, when Cynthia stopped him in the corridor.

“Ted.” She looked annoyed. Or pissed. Or both.

“Cynthia, you look lovely today.  How are you this morning?” Ted greeted her cheerfully.

“Could be better,” was the fleeting reply.

Under Ted’s questioning gaze, she volunteered, “Brian. He’s in a foul mood this morning.”

“Meaning…?” Ted questioned.

“He already threatened to fire Anna, the new assistant, and it’s not even nine yet,” she complained.

“I see.” Ted replied with a nod, frowning.

“Good luck,” Cynthia says with a not so sincere smile on her lips, before turning on her heels and heading toward her own office.

“Hum.” Ted responded absently.

He headed to Brian’s office and knocked on the door before walking in without waiting for an answer.

Brian was at his desk, on the phone. His left hand was on his face, his elbow on the desk, his eyes closed. A dilated vein caused by the tension in his body was clearly noticeable on his neck. He seemed ready to explode, literally.

“Listen Marty… are you listening?” Brian called, in a very calm, very cold voice. “Good…now, if you don’t show up in thirty minutes with the boards I want, you will have the pleasure to know what it feels like to be thrown out the door, without a pen or a stick of gum to take along with you, but only your poor little ass to fall onto. So, if you don’t want to be fucking unemployed by the end of the day and have to stand in line for hours at the Employment office, you will do as I say, understand?” Then without waiting for an answer, he slammed the intercom off and put his hands on his face as he sighed frustratedly.

“Hum, Brian?” Ted called. He really was a courageous man.

However, Brian didn’t react at all.

Still standing by the door, Ted decided to dare approach the desk, to try again get a response. “Brian?”

A sigh. Better than nothing Ted supposed. He repeated his friend’s name, loudly. “Brian!”

“What?” Brian barked, a murderous look on his face, but Ted was used to it. _No luck boss._

“You okay?” Ted inquired, eyeing an invisible point on the opposite wall, like he was having a silent conversation with himself. He then seemed to focus again. “No, scratch that, I think it’s obvious you’re not, considering you managed to threaten to fire two people already, and it‘s…” he looked down at his watch. “Five to nine. Whoa! Boss, even for you, it has to be a record.”

“Fuck off, Theodore.” Brain snapped without glancing at him as he stood up to fetch himself a glass of water.

“No.” Ted courageously responded.

“No?” Brian turned around, glaring at him.

“You know your threats don’t work on me, or I would be long gone by now.” Ted stated.

Brian seemed to ponder Ted’s words. “Shit, I lost my touch,” he mused, frowning.

“Yeah.” Ted agreed with a nod. Brian raised an eyebrow, looking fucking intimidating, and making Ted squirm. “Or, not so much." 

Brian almost grinned.

“So, care to tell me what is happening to you?” The CFO cut right to the point.

All he got was a sigh. Then silence. _Patience is a_ virtue. _Especially when your boss is Brian Kinney._

“I saw Jennifer this morning,” Brian disclosed after several seconds.

_Oh shit._

“You mean, Justin’s mom?” Ted questioned, although it’s really a stupid question. 

“Yeah,” Brian confirmed.

“Oh.”  _Double shit._ “And?” Ted pushed.

“And what?” Brian barked.

“You want to tell me about it?” Ted asked, knowing full well what was going be his friend’s answer.

“No.” _Of course._

“No?” Ted echoed. He is a really, really brave man.

“No.” Brian repeated, but his voice sounds weaker somehow.

Now, it was Ted’s turn quirk an eyebrow, while holding Brian’s stare.

Brian was the first to break eye contact. “Fuck.”

Ted smiled. He knew he had won this one.

The two men went to sit on the couch. Brian lowered his head and peered down at his joined hands resting on his lap.

Taking a deep breath, he disclosed, “I had to stop at the store this morning to pick up the newspaper. My fucking deliverer is sick or whatever. So, I stopped on my way here and... I saw her.”

Ted didn’t say anything, knowing his friend would speak when he was ready.

“It was awkward to say the least." Brian continued. "I mean, what do you say to your ex mother-in-law, anyway?” He paused, before resuming. "I don’t know why, I asked her about Justin…” He barked out a laugh. “With ideas like that, I should really try BDSM.”

“You didn’t?” Ted couldn’t help but ask. Under Brian’s now intimating gaze, he added hastily, gesturing with his hand, “Sorry, go on.”

Brian stared at him for a few more seconds, before revealing, “She told me he was fine, happy and that he was having, and I quote “the time of his life.” Brian laughed sarcastically. “After that, she had the good grace to look confused and to tell me he missed me, and that it was hard for him to be so far away. But from where I stood, she was just trying to be nice.”

“Brian.” Ted tried to interrupt him at this point, without success.

“And I know it was what we wanted and that I should be happy for him… and I am. I’m fucking proud of him.” Brian professed with a sigh. “Fuck, why am I being such a prick?” 

“Brian.” Ted cut him off.

“What?” Brian mumbled.

“It’s okay to feel what you feel.” Ted declared in a kind voice.

“What, being a heartless bastard who can’t be happy for his ex?” Brian replied sarcastically.

“No." Ted refuted with a shake of his head. "To feel like you would rather be with him, than away from him. To feel like you’re happy for him, and yet, you’d rather he was happy by your side.” Ted paused, letting the words sink in. “It’s a feeling everyone would experience in such circumstances Brian. You’re only human.”

Brian just stared at him for a moment.

“Me, only human?” Brian scowled. “That’s kind of insulting.” Brian was always uncomfortable when he talked about his feelings. Ted knew it, yet he also knew that Brian had listened to every word he'd just said.

As if to validate Ted’s thoughts, Brian stated, “You’re really eloquent when I’m pissed, you know that?”

Ted smiled, proud to be able to help his friend.

Brian began, “You’re aware…”

Ted interrupted him. “Yeah, I know, you’ll have to fire me after that.”

“I was going to say that you’ll have to be murdered. I couldn’t risk having you spilling nonsense all over Liberty Avenue with that big mouth of yours,” Brian countered.

“Well, thanks for the warning.” Ted said, standing up and making his way to the door.

“You’re welcome…and Theodore?”

“What?” Ted stopped and turned around.

“Thanks.” Brian’s face was open and vulnerable, reflecting that he was grateful for his friend’s intervention.

Ted answered with a nod, and walked out of Brian’s office.

Yes. Brian Kinney was his friend, and he was proud of it.

* * *

 That conversation happened three weeks ago. In the meantime, Kinnetik has won a new client, and Brian is currently having lunch with their CEO.

Ted is at his desk preparing a memo about the last four months budget reports when Cynthia calls him through the intercom.

“Ted, there’s someone at the front desk, who says he knows Brian,” she informs him.

“Really? What does he look like?” Ted inquires.

“Tall, dark complexion, dark blond hair, green eyes, in other words, to die for," Cynthia reports." I really should have been a man.” 

“Why do you say that?” Ted asks as he grabs a file in his desk.

“He’s gay,” Cynthia announces.

“And you know this because…?” Ted insists, opening the folder in his hand.

“He didn’t look at my attractive deep neckline." Cynthia informs Ted. "He must be gay. If he’s not, I swear I’m becoming a lesbian.”

Ted laughs. “Ok, I will be there in a minute.” Then he rises from his chair, and heads to the door.

When he enters the lobby, all he can see is the man’s back, but he recognizes him immediately. It’s the man from the Diner, the one Emmett and he thought was going to become Brian’s what? Trick? Lover? Well, as far as he knows, the two men hadn’t seen each other ever since.

“Hi.” Ted greets him. The man nearly jumps before turning around, seemingly startled. Ted extends his hand. “You’re Aidan, right? I’m Theodore Schmidt.”

Aidan shakes his hand and volunteers, “Yeah, I remember you. You were at the Liberty Diner, right?”

“Right. I’m also Brian’s CFO. He isn’t here right now, but maybe I can help you in the meantime?” Ted offers.

“Hum, yeah, maybe.” Aidan hesitates.

“Well, come on. My office is this way.” Ted leads Aidan through the open space and to his office. “Have a sit.” Ted indicates the extra chair next to his desk. Once Aidan is sitting, he asks, “So, what do you need? I presume if you accepted to follow me to my office, it must be work related?” Ted has to admit, he’s curious as to why the man is here.

“Yeah, it is.” Aidan responds, seemingly uncomfortable. “Brian gave me his card, back when we ate at the Diner,” Aidan begins. “And he told me to call him if I needed anything.”

 _His eyes are the most beautiful green_ Ted can’t help but think.

“I am looking for a job, or more precisely for some works. I’m working freelance. I’m a photographer. So, I was wondering…” Aidan explains with a gesture of his hand.

“You were wondering if we had some works for you?” Ted finishes the man’s sentence.

“Yeah, something like that. I brought my resume.” Aidan extends it to Ted. “I’d be very grateful if Kinnetik would consider my application.”

Ted grabs the piece of paper and peers down at its content. After a few seconds, he nods, before gazing up at Aidan. “I can’t promise you anything, but we’ll see what we can do.” Ted puts the resume on his folder with the memo he is working on. “Brian should be returning shortly, though. Do you want to wait for him?”

“No, I don’t want to bother him,” Aidan replies.

“You’re sure?” Ted questioned with a frown. 

“Yes.” Aidan stands up. “Thank you for your time.”

“You’re welcome.” Ted follows him, intending to escort him to the entrance of the building. However, just as he is about to reach the front door, Brian pulls in, visibly in a hurry.

“Fucking rain.” Brian mutters. His rain-soaked coat pulled over his head. He then looks up and sees them. Or more accurately him. “Aidan?”

They stare at each other for a moment, leaving Ted with the distinct impression that they have forgotten he is even there.

“Hello Brian.”

* * *

  **Aidan’s POV**

The last two months have been hard for Aidan. After having broken down that night at Woody’s, it took him two days to recover, alone, in the safety of his apartment. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been reckless, and that if not for a providential encounter, it could have gone badly. Losing the ability to think, or forgetting a whole night altogether, was definitively not a common occurrence for him. If not for Brian, he didn’t know what could have happened to him.

Brian.

Aidan couldn’t explained it, but he had felt something, a connection, a bond, whatever people called it. It was there, almost palpable, yet invisible to anyone but them. He wondered what Brian’s story was, what could have happened to him to make him the man he was today. Aidan was sure that he saw a crack behind the man’s apparent bravery. It was there, almost floating around him.

And of course, Aidan wasn’t blind. Brian Kinney was one of the most handsome man he had ever met.

He hadn’t called him after that night, and that shared moment at the Diner. If someone had asked him why, he wasn’t sure he could have answered. Maybe because he was scared by the feelings he knew could emerge for the man, or maybe because he was a coward, or again because he didn’t want to impose his shitty life and his shitty moods on another human being. It didn’t really mattered why. He didn’t call, end of the story.

Or so he thought.

Once he had recovered from his meltdown, he focused on his first goal of the moment: helping his sister and her family. Olivia was having a hard time accepting her disease and trying to learn to live again with new rules. She needed help in her everyday life. Every upcoming moment, every word, every situation was always a new challenge, a new battle to fight. Aidan was the powerless witness of the damages that were emerging more clearly now that they knew what they were fighting. A fight that they could only loose.

Talk about a shitty life.

It had taken him some time to accept it, and even if he would always be angry that life was once again playing them, he resolved himself to move on, and to try and be happy again, for his sister.

He stayed with her, always by her side while doctors and specialists gave them some tools for her to go on with her life, and by extension for him to go on with his life. Rituals, Notebooks, Workshop to jog her memory, more rituals…everything was planned, talked over, rehearsed, from the moment she woke up in the morning to the moment she went to sleep at night.

Aidan was able to anticipate her behavior more easily after the first month, but he was also noticing that the damages were slowly, but surely increasing. He didn’t know if the shock that the announcement of Alzheimer’s disease produced was at play, knowing that the changes in her health could evolve more or less rapidly; this disease, as the doctor had explained, could last a few years or more, depending on the patient. Olivia was nearly at the moderate stage of the disease. According to the specialists, it was a common occurrence for a young patient, for whom Alzheimer’s was difficult to diagnose, as doctors often had the mistaken impression that they were dealing with a depression.

It wasn’t easy. Watching his sister struggling to keep her sanity, and failing… Even if there still were moments of happiness, it made him feel vulnerable and powerless.

Aidan didn’t know how she was holding up; all her family were trying to support her as best they could. Claire was coming home, as often as possible, to help Olivia and assistance her with even the smallest of tasks; like giving her directions to bake a cake with the notebooks and the methods she learned at the caregivers support group she was going to. Noah was helping her in her day to day life with the chores in the house. Her husband was there as much as possible, considering his demanding job. Everybody was adjusting to the disease and to this new life.

After two months Aidan knew he had to find a new job, having taken more than three months to help his sister. He couldn’t live on his savings alone for too long. Therefore, he started to look for works he could do as a freelancer, so he could still be available as much as possible for his family.

He didn’t know anybody in Pittsburgh. In fact, Aidan had always been a lonely man, preferring an itinerant lifestyle instead of a settled one. He had a few friends, but other than Simon, he didn’t have any real friends and even his most precious friendship had suffered over time. Simon was living in New York, being an agent for eccentric models, and their lives couldn’t be more opposed today. But he knew that whatever happened, he would always have a soft spot for his childhood friend.

When the time arrives to search for a job, Aidan debates for some time before going to Kinnetik. He had been surprised when he first saw the card Brian gave him, indicating in golden letters “Brian Kinney, CEO” but he forgot to ask more information, as they were interrupted by the lovely Debbie at the diner. So, he does his research and finally, two days later, he finds the courage to go and apply for a job as a freelance photographer.

He’s a little disappointed when he understands that Brian is out with a client. The woman that greets him is kind enough, in a professional kind of way, and asks him to wait in the lobby.

In front of him on the wall, a huge painting is displayed. Aidan takes in the lines of paint, vivid and powerful, and he feels it. It’s poignant, nearly perturbing, yet amazing. The piece is called “Life” and is signed by “J. Taylor”.

“Hi.” A voice calls for him.

The voice startles him and Aidan nearly jumps. He was so lost in his thoughts while looking at the painting that he didn’t hear the other man’s approach. Turning around he recognizes the man immediately from the Diner. It seems that he’s also Brian’s CFO.

After a brief discussion in the man’s office, Aidan is following the man to the front door when the door opens just as they were about to reach it.

“Fucking rain.”

_Oh._

Aidan just stares at the man before him. He hasn’t seen him in two months but he feels paralyzed by his mere presence. He can see the exact moment when Brian sees him, as his hazel eyes widen in surprise.

“Aidan?”

Aidan seems to have lost his voice for a few seconds. “Hello Brian.”

“What…?” Brian’s eyes lay on his CFO for a second before coming back to him. “What are you doing here?”

“I just submitted my application.” Aidan reveals, with a gesture of his hand to Brian’s CFO. Ted nods, before having the good sense to walk away.

“Your application.” Brian echoes as he takes his coat off.

“For a freelance job.” Aidan clarifies.

“A freelance job.” Brian furrows his brow.

“To work for your company.” Aidan adds, clearly amused by Brian’s reaction.

“My company.” Brian repeats Aidan’s words once more.

“Are you going to repeat everything I say?” Aidan asks him playfully.

“I…” Brian closes his mouth and frowns. “I’m surprised, is all. I haven’t heard from you since your last performance at Woody’s.”

“Yeah, about that, I’m…” Aidan starts to apologize, but Brian cut him off immediately.

“If you’re going to say that you’re sorry, don’t bother. Sorry’s bullshit.” Brian states dryly.

“Hum, okay.” Aidan replies, not wanting to argue over his stupid behavior.

Brian walks a few steps inside the building, leaving Aidan in the lobby. As he’s about to open a door, probably leading to his office, he pauses, looks at him, and asks. “So, are you coming? Or are you going to stand here all day?”

“No, I…” Aidan recovers quickly and says. “I’m coming.”

 Brian drawls, “Hurry up then, time is money, and money makes me rich, so move your ass from my lobby, would you?”

_Brian Kinney, I missed you my friend._

Smirking, Aidan follows him in his office.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Aidan's relationship takes a new path...  
> Note: This chapter is rated NC-18, for obvious reasons...

 

**_June 2008 – Pittsburgh_ **

“You’re sure you’re up for it?”

Brian is sitting on his chair looking intently at the man on the other side of his desk.  Storyboards are spread out in front of them. Aidan and he are discussing a new campaign. A company who is contracted to Kinnetik is launching a new line of expensive underwear. Brian has come up with a neat perception of what he wants to pitch; a beautiful picture like a piece of art, which is displaying discarded underwear in the front, while in the background, a naked couple makes out in the shadows. The goal is to create a mouseover in black and white, subtle, elegant and stylish.

“Yeah, I can do it.” Aidan confirms, studying the work in front of him. “Are you afraid I’m not able to fulfill this particular task?”

“No.” Brian ponders his next words. “But you must know the man we work for isn’t the most open-minded man on the planet.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning we need to make it subtle." Brian suggests. "He accepted the idea that I presented during our first meeting, but this picture needs to be alluring, not in your face.”

“I get it. You want the woman and the man in the shadows, while the eye of the observer will be attracted mainly by the product, even if the real show is happening in the background.” Aidan resumes, studying the boards.

“Hum.” Brian smiles. “I’m proud of you.”

Aidan looks up. “What? Why?”

“You can read my mind. Which means I’m a genius for hiring you.”

“Yeah. Right Mr. Almighty.” Aidan huffs, reading the slogan on the board. “Elegance is here. It’s simple and effective.”

“Yeah, my first idea was 'Elegance, the underwear you want to keep on while fucking', but I’m not sure it would have been well received.” Brian divulges, tongue in cheek.

Aidan laughs and raises his gaze. “You’re obsessed with sex.”

“Me? What about you? You’re sure you’re even gay?” Brian counters.

“Oh, I’m gay alright.” Aidan snorts. “I’m just not talking about sex every five minutes.”

“Please tell me you’re thinking about it more than every five minutes then, or I will be really worried about your state of mind.” Brian drawls.

Aidan responds as he stares at Brian. “I am.”

* * *

Brian and Aidan have seen each other several times since Aidan’s reappearance three weeks ago. Aidan is lucky, Kinnetik having won new clients in the last two months which means Brian could offer him some work without giving the impression of playing the charitable man.

Their relationship is fast evolving into a real friendship. The two men have a lot in common. In addition to a difficult past, they are stubborn, independent and proud. Their charismas frighten or attract men they meet, but leave no one indifferent.

Yet, their differences are ultimately bringing them closer together.

Brian is more cynical, more incisive, more biting. Protecting himself from others has always been second nature for him, always on the alert, ready to attack before being hurt. , He doesn’t feel that way with Aidan though, knowing the man has enough problems to deal with in his life, without him overreacting because of a connection he knows is more than what it should be.

Aidan doesn’t know the fear of being hurt by someone close to him. Therefore, he is more accessible, friendlier with people he meets, yet more alone because of the wounds that fate inflicted on him and that made him a man who didn’t become attached to others easily. That’s why he is surprised by the sincere friendship which has arisen between him and Brian, as it’s the first one of his adulthood he really cares about.

The only problem is, usually, friendship doesn’t come with an omnipresent sexual tension.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

“What are you doing tonight?”

Brian and Aidan have just finished their work session for _Elegance._  Brian has agreed to meet his friends at Woody’s at the end of the day, and after debating throughout the three weeks to invite Aidan to something which wasn’t work related, he finally decides that it’s not the end of the world. _It doesn’t mean anything_. He’s just a little worried about his friends's reaction, as he doesn’t remember having inviting one person in his life to officially meet the gang. _It’s not a big deal. I can tell them I am just being nice with him. Nice, right, as if they’re going to believe me…_

Aidan looks at him, seemingly puzzled. “Huh?”

Recovering from his musing, Brian repeats slowly. “What…are…you...doing...tonight?” Enunciates each words like he would do with a child. “Is that a particularly hard question?”

“No.” Aidan glances at him. “It’s just that it sounds like you’re inviting me on a date,” Aidan can’t help but answer, knowing exactly what his friend’s reaction will be.

“A date.” Brian echoes with disdain. “Are you sure you and I are even friends? Or do you have a death wish? I’m pretty sure I heard you asking me if I was inviting you on a date.” 

“You must be getting old Brian. Have you ever gone to see an ENT? Or even better, an audiologist?”

“Definitely a death wish then,” Brian proclaims, staring intently at Aidan, who just laughs.

“Okay, you win,” Aidan concedes. “I have to go and see Livia, but I’m free after that.”

“Okay, meet us at Woody’s at eight.” Brian demands.

“Yes Sir.” Aidan stands up and heads for the door.

“And Aidan?” Brian’s voice makes him stop.

“What?” Aidan asks, turning around to look at Brian, who is watching him with a little smile at the corner of his lips.

“Don’t forget your meds that prevent you from throwing up?” Brian quips, tongue-in-cheek.

All he gets as an answer is a pointing look. Then Aidan huffs, smiles and walks out, muttering, “Asshole.”

Brian grins.

* * *

**_Later that evening at Woody’s_ **

“Hey Brian, over here!”

Brian has just entered Woody’s and hears Michael’s voice calling him from across the bar. Scanning the room quickly, he makes his way to his friends.

“Mikey,” Brian greets him with a light peek on the lips. “Where is your better half?”

“Ben had a late class, he will be here shortly.” Michael discloses and guides his friend to one of the vacant chair at the table.

“Emmett, you look lovely tonight. What is the color of this beautiful mesh shirt? Blood orange? You sure want somebody to bite it and snatched it with his teeth,”  Brian teases with a fake smile on his face.

“And you look like an acquaintance I know, tall, handsome and totally full of himself.” Emmett replies, smirking.

“Touché.” Brian really smiles this time. Then, turning to acknowledge Ted's presence, Brian inquires, “And where is your better half? Saving a damsel in distress again?”

“Blake is in the restroom,” Ted informs his boss.

“Doing what?” Brian frowns.

“What do you think?” Ted objects.

Brian grins.

“No! Not that!” Ted feigns to be outraged by Brian’s assumption.

“What else? Don’t tell me he uses restrooms in public places only to relieve himself, it would be such a waste of time.” Brian drawls.

“Hey guys.”

Brian looks up and notices two things. First, Aidan has just arrived and looks once more too edible for him to ignore it. Second, his friends, after greeting him with various salutations, are now staring at him with a knowing or questioning look on their faces.

_I’m fucked._

“Well, if it isn’t the 'savior extraordinaire'. Come on, don’t be shy and have a sit.” Brian indicates the vacant one next to him. “Guys, this is Aidan for those who haven’t been properly introduced.”

“I’ve been properly introduced alright," Emmett mutters jokingly to Ted, who snorts.

Brian then stands up and announces, “So, who wants to play pool?”

* * *

**_A few minutes later_ **

“You invited him?” It’s more a statement than a question, but he should have known that his best friend would not let it pass without asking for an explanation.

“Well, I asked him what he was doing tonight and I told him to come spend the evening with us if he wanted to, so yeah, I think that’s what you can call an invitation.” Brian responds in a jesting tone. Noticing  Michael’s puzzled look, he adds, “And if you ask me if this is a date or even something barely similar, I’m going to have to kill you, and I love you too much for that, so please, just keep your mouth shut.” He places his cue on the table and shoots.

“It’s just…" Michael began. "I don’t understand…”

“What?" Brian barks. "Okay, let’s make it simple considering you don’t understand what an invitation means. Him. Queer and on his own in the burg. And hot.” Brian raises his eyebrows. “Me. Stud of the burg. And generous.”

Michael laughs. “Generous, yeah. That’s a good word.”

Brian laughs before turning serious. “Seriously Michael, it’s not a big deal. He just has a lot on his plate right now and I just want to make it easier for him.”

Michael stares at his friend, visibly analyzing Brian’s words. Finally he professes, “You’re aware what is happening between the two of you is more than friendship or even sexual attraction, right?”

“Michael,” Brian snaps. He doesn’t like his friend prying in to his personal business. More so, he doesn’t want to think about Aidan that way.

“Forget I said anything.” Michael is a courageous man, but he is not suicidal.

“You’re wrong.” Brian states.

“Okay.” Michael nods hastily.

“Seriously, Michael.” Brian insists, even if it’s not clear if he is trying to convince his friend or himself.

“I said okay, no need to get upset.” Michael complains.

“I’m not.” Brian refutes.

“Right.” Michael looks one last time at Brian and goes back to the game.

_You’re wrong Michael…_

Unfortunately, the words his friends had pronounced echo in his head. And Brian has no other choice but to acknowledge that his relationship with Aidan is, indeed, dangerous.

_Too dangerous. I can’t allow it._

_Not again._

* * *

**Michael’s POV**

Over the last few months, Michael has begun to notice a few changes in his best friend behavior. Almost imperceptible at first, he knows without a doubt what he is the witness of. His best friend is starting, slowly but surely, to heal and to start living again.

Of course, Brian is still in love with Justin Taylor. Michael suspects that he always will be, and that these feelings are shared by his blond ex-lover. The blond had called Michael twice since last July, always asking about Brian and Michael had heard the tone of his voice and the silence between the words. He knows Justin is feeling just as lost as Brian over their estranglement, even if his life otherwise seems to be a dream come true.

At first Brian had been fighting every day to stay afloat, to survive, making Michael fucking worried. However, time had passed, easing the pain and allowing his friend to start a new life.

Michael isn't stupid enough to think that his best friend is really okay. The scars left by the loss of his relationship with Justin are permanent for sure. Loving Justin Taylor was the first time Brian had allowed himself to open up completely to another human being and Michael knows his friend needed more time to heal.

However, even if Michael plays dumb sometimes, he isn't blind or deaf. This last three months, something happened that he couldn’t have predicted. Brian had met someone else, someone _different_.

Michael had not really understand at first when, this night back in March, Brian had helped Aidan, a man he didn’t really know and who was totally trashed at Woody’s. It had been a shock to see his best friend helping this stranger, not because Brian was actually helping another person - Michael knows that his friend is truly a kind and generous man and not the asshole he wants to appear to the face of the world - but because he seemed to care about the man well-being. Brian had revealed later that the man was in pain that night, without telling him exactly what it was about. He had also told him that they connected, whatever it meant. He hadn’t admitted out loud that they bonded because of the pain they both felt - albeit a different kind of pain, it was pain nonetheless - but Michael had surmised Brian’s feelings, knowing his friend too well. Brian had also informed him that they hadn't seen each other after that night, confiding to him that he was kind of relieved. When Michael had asked him why, Brian hadn't answered.

Two months later, he saw them in Brian’s office, laughing, as he was there to take his friend to lunch. The banter he saw and the obvious attraction between the two men was just that, obvious for anyone who took more than one second to look. He remembers thinking that if not for Justin, Brian would probably already be in a 'kind of' relationship with that guy.

That was one week ago. Now, Michael, Aidan, Brian and all the gang are making their way to Babylon, after having spent the beginning of the evening at Woody’s. The only problem is that Michael knows that he should have kept his mouth shut earlier, and that the damage of his revelation is now beginning to appear.

Brian, after having won the first game of pool, proceeded to show exactly how he didn’t care about anyone but himself, and especially not about Aidan. He took a hot twenty-something trick to the restroom barely five minutes after their conversation, and drank at least six shots of beam in the hour they stayed at the bar.

Michael was worried and couldn’t help but glance frequently at Aidan to gauge his reaction. The man didn’t seem to be affected and was engrossed in a deep conversation with Blake. Either he was sporting a poker face, or he really wasn’t affected or didn’t care at all, but Michael couldn’t decide which one was preferable.

_Well done Michael, you really surpassed yourself this time._

* * *

**_One hour later, Babylon_ **

**Aidan’s POV**

_What does he want to prove?_

Aidan has spent the last two hours or so surreptitiously watching Brian and is wondering what is going on with him. He is aware that Brian Kinney isn’t an easy man. He’s complicated, yet uncompromising and honest. But right now, he is doing all he can to show Aidan that he doesn’t care. W _ell, he can try, I’m not going to stop him; unless he starts puking in my arms, which would be only fair._

During the last three weeks, Aidan hadn’t seen this aspect of Brian’s personality and he wonders what is the real reason for his friend's behavior. _Yeah, friend, keep telling yourself that, you’re really a fool if you think you’re not falling for him._

Aidan knows he cares a little too much to call their relationship friendship. He has known it for some time, even before they reconnected at Kinnetik. He also feels that Brian isn’t ready to hear it and he therefore didn’t act on it, and doesn’t plan to for the time being. He is pretty sure that’s also the reason why they haven’t fucked yet. Brian wants him as much as he wants Brian, he’s sure of it, but he knows that it would change their dynamic. If he’s honest with himself, he’s also scared about falling in love, hard.

However, Brian’s behavior is finally telling him something, but he doesn't have a clue of what the message is.

“You okay?” Aidan feels a hand on his shoulder and turns in direction of the voice. He comes face to face with Ted.

“Yeah, why?” Aidan is speaking loudly, in order to be heard with the loud music surrounding them. They are standing by the counter, while all the others are dancing, or, in Brian’s case, fucking.

“Well, Brian isn’t exactly a very good host tonight.” Considering Brian is currently in the VIP room, it’s not an incorrect assumption.

“Brian is a free man, he can do as he pleases and so do I,” Aidan states.

“Hum.” Ted answers, lost in thought.

Aidan understands that the man wants to talk. “You want to tell me something?”

“No…I mean yes… Or maybe not, because if Brian found out that I talked to you, he will fire and murder me.”

“I wouldn’t want that.” Aidan half jokes.

“Thank you,” Ted pauses, seemingly debating with himself about the conversation, and sighs. “Never mind, I will die with a happy conscience.”

“What?” Aidan questions.

“You should know something.” Ted discloses, as he turns to look directly at Aidan. “Brian…he was in a relationship for seven years, more or less.” Ted waits for the words to sink in. “And for a man like him, well, let’s just say that it wasn’t easy at first for the great God Kinney to discover that he had a heart after all, and that he had fallen for a young, hot twink, even if he tried his best to hide it.”

“What happened?” Aidan’s heart is beating fast even if he doesn’t want it to.

“Justin…that’s his name…he is an artist and he had a proposition to go to Europe for five years…After all they’ve been through…” Ted mumbles to himself, before adding, “Brian and him decided that he had to go, that he couldn’t pass up this opportunity. He left last July.”

“Oh.” Aidan doesn’t know what to say about this revelation.

“And Brian isn’t the type of guy to show how he feels. He built his character for years as the narcissist asshole who didn’t care about anybody but himself, and who only thought about sex and business, never apologizing, never regretting anything…” Ted explains “…until Justin.”

“He still loves him.” Aidan is beginning to understand that Brian had just lost the love of his life.

“He always will. Even more so because they didn’t exactly break up, although the result is the same.”

 _Fuck._ “What does it have to do with me?” Aidan inquires. He is grateful that Ted decided to share this part of Brian’s life, even if it brings a pang to his chest. He isn’t sure what prompted Brian’s CFO to do so.

“I’m pretty sure you make him _feel_ again...” Ted professes.

Aidan can’t believe what he just heard. “No, I… I think you’re wrong…”

“Maybe…Maybe not…” With those last words, Ted squeezes his shoulder and makes his way to the dance floor, leaving a dumbfounded Aidan at the bar.

* * *

**_Fifteen minutes later; backroom of Babylon..._**

Men everywhere. Grunting. Moaning. _Feeling._

One man is knelt in front of him, pleasuring his cock in the most delightful way. Aidan doesn’t make a sound, and allows himself to close his eyes and to feel, to embrace his desire, while he shuts his mind off to the world around him.

It's not enough. He pulls out, and makes a sign to the beautiful man, who just turns around. Aidan pulls him against the wall and opens his pants. Then, he slowly prepares him with his fingers, until the man is begging him relentlessly. “Please, I need you inside me, just take me…please…”

Aidan kisses the shoulder in front of him, and the man tilts his head to give him a better access to his neck. He presses his covered cock to the willing hole and just adds a little pressure, again and again, sensing the man becoming crazy with desire, and the hole relaxing a little more with each advance of his cock.

He can feel eyes on him, wanting to be at the place of his trick, who is moaning and begging louder with each passing second. Finally, he pushes the head of his cock very slowly in the tight hole and he stops to let the man adjust to his size. The man doesn’t wait for him, so desperate to feel him inside of him and pushes his ass back against Aidan’s cock, making both men grunt because of the pleasure they both feel.

_God, I love this._

The trick is moaning incoherently and Aidan hears words like, “harder…oh yeah…God, so good…fuck me,” that go straight to his cock. He quickens his pace, grabbing the man’s hips and fucking him without restraints.

They’re going to climax soon. Aidan can feel it by the way the tight channel is milking his cock. He reaches to cover the other man’s cock, which is leaking profusely. It feels good in his hand, so warm and heavy, and Aidan wants nothing more at the moment but to feel it pulse while coming deep inside the man’s ass.

Then he doesn’t know why, but he opens his eyes.

Right there, in the corner, a man is having a blow job while staring intently at him and fucking the man’s face kneeling in front of him in the same tempo that he is fucking his trick. Their eyes locked, crazy with desire and lust, and Aidan _feels_ his orgasm through the man’s eyes, who begins to climax, his face contorted in a mask of pleasure. Seeing this makes it impossible for him and he pounds hard into the ass in front of him a couple more times, triggering his trick’s orgasm whose tight channel is contracting around his cock.  _God, this feels so good,_ is his last coherent thought before he breaks eyes contact with the man in the corner and closes his eyes, while he finishes, coming hard into the willing hole.

When he opens them a few moments later, after having practically passed out because of the force of his orgasm, the man is gone. A few moments later, Aidan goes back to the dance floor and then to the bar, where Ted, Blake, Michael and Ben are standing. Just one look at their faces tells him all he needs to know.

Brian is gone.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Brian's behavior at Babylon...

**_One day later, the Diner..._**

**Emmett’s POV**

This Saturday morning is just like any other Saturday morning at the Diner. Gay men are coming and going, enjoying a late breakfast after a busy Friday night, and Emmett Honeycutt is sitting at the counter, waiting for a booth to become vacant.

“Emmett, Honey! You’re here already?” A loud voice makes him jump from his stool, as the mother of all gay men does her entrance in to the Diner, apparently to assure the lunch shift.

“Hi Debbie! You look wonderful today. What have you done to your hair?” Emmett greets her, a big smile on his face.

“Why thank you. Just a little brushing… You like it?”

“Like is not the word, I love it!" Emmett praises. "It makes you look like Gloria Gaynor, when she sang 'I Will Survive', only with a red touch. It’s glorious!”

“You’re too kind Honey.” She says while putting an apron on, covering her _The day we lock all the assholes in a cupboard, there won’t be many people left to close the door_ T-shirt. “So, what can I get you? It seems you need something strong to help you face the day.”

“You have no idea.” Emmett replies as he points to the coffee he already has in front of him.

“That bad, huh?”

“Too many margaritas last night.” He takes a sip from the cup.

“Babylon?” She questions.

“Yeah. I was offered a few drinks by some big bad wolf, if you know what I mean.” Emmett drawls playfully.

“I hope he didn’t bay at the moon.” Debbie jests while pouring more coffee into Emmett’s cup.

“No, not this one, although that did happen to me once, and boy, was it scary. I thought at the time Lindsay and Mel might cut me out of their life for good.”

“At the girls house?” Debbie’s eyes widen at the thought.

“Huh, huh. Yeah, I know, it was pretty stupid, but I was young then, with a wild spirit.” Emmett exclaims with a grand gesture of his hand.

“Oh, come on, you’re not old and your spirit is just fine, like the beautiful queen you are.” Debbie leans forward and brushes Emmett’s cheek with her thumb.

“Thank you Darling,” Emmett answers. Then, like he’s going to share an absolute secret, he leans over the counter and whispers, “speaking of queens, someone was being a real drama queen last night.”

Debbie, who is about to dry some glasses, raises her head quickly. “Someone did? Who?”

Emmett moves back. “Mr. Almighty.”

“Brian?” Debbie furrows her brow.

“Yeah… It seems that the asshole we all know and love made a real come back last night.” Under Debbie’s questioning stare he continues, “Well, he invited Aidan to join us, and let’s just say Brian ignored him the entire night. I’m afraid your heir might have let his big mouth say things that hit a little too close to home, if you know what I mean.”

Debbie’s gaze has changed from questioning to puzzled. “Actually Em, I haven’t a fucking clue what you’re talking about. Wait…Aidan, wasn’t he that guy you worshipped the ground he walked on for about a week after he fucked you? And that was here with Brian some time ago?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.” Emmett looks up dreamily. “God, every time I think about his performance, I’m in love all over again.” He sighs excessively, making Debbie raising her eyebrows while giving him a pointing look. “You know how we queens are, we have to add a little drama; it’s for the show!”

Debbie laughs. “And we love you for it.”

“Thank you. Anyway, Brian and Aidan have been seeing each other, work related, for about a month now, and Michael told us that he thought something was going on between them. Well, I had my doubts of course, but after seeing what I saw last night, I think he might be right.”

Debbie frowns. “What happened?”

“Michael told him.”

The frown doesn’t leave her face. “He told Brian…”

“Huh, huh..." Emmett nods.

“What? That he thought something was happening?”

“Exactly.”

“Is he crazy?" Debbie exclaims disapprovingly. "And what did Brian say?”

“You just love gossip, don’t you?” Emmett teases her.

“Emmett…I work in a diner, which should answer your question,” Debbie answers with a straight face.

“Okay.” Now he lowers his voice again. “But just promise me you won’t tell this to anyone.”

“You know me,” Debbie proclaims, with her hand on her chest resting over her heart.

“That’s why I’m afraid,” Emmett mutters.

“Emmett.” Debbie pretends to be offended.

“Okay, okay.” Emmett raises his hands in a seemingly defeatist posture. Then, he leans over once more and whispers to her. “Well, you know that our Brian has not been himself since our favorite artist’s left. And, it seems that the arrival of a certain man in his life has been a great benefit for him. Michael told us that Brian was slowly returning to his old self. But when Michael pointed it out to him last night, Mister 'I’m an asshole who fucks anyone I want' made a comeback with fireworks and all.”

“That bad?” Debbie looks worried.

“Yeah. Poor Aidan. I would have proposed to comfort him, you know I always put myself forward for a good cause; but I wasn’t sure it would be well received, so I restrained myself.”

“I’m sure you did Honey.”

Emmett looks at Debbie, who is visibly thinking. He can nearly see the wheels turning around inside her head.

“What are you thinking about?” He can’t help it if he’s a queen. And Queens want to know everything.

“I’m just thinking that if Brian acted the way you described, you’re probably right.”

“Meaning?” Emmett pushes, understanding Debbie must have an idea.

“Nothing. Just that.” Debbie takes her tray. “I better go and deliver the orders because the food isn’t going to serve itself.”

_Debbie, I know that look, what are you up to?_

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

**_Saturday morning; the loft_ **

_Fucking Christ! My head is like a fucking vice._

On this Saturday morning, Brian is waking up in the comfort of his own bed, with the worst headache of his life. _Okay, I admit it, I lost count long ago of how many worst headaches of my life I’ve suffered._

He is lying in his bed, naked, with a sour taste in his mouth. _Christ, why am I doing this to myself?_

 _Wait…What?_ Of course, as soon as he tells himself it couldn’t get any worse, he realized three things.

One, he isn’t alone.

Two, the man beside him is drooling all over his pillow.

Three, he isn’t even hung.

_God, Kinney, how high were you?_

“Hey.” Just speaking makes him want to throw his head against a wall. “Hey.” He tries a little louder, shaking the man awake.

“Huh?”

“Get out.” Brian barks.

“Huh?” the man is awake now.

_Whoa, he doesn’t even know how to speak properly. That wasn’t what I wanted him to do last night, but still…_

“I said …Get…Out. NOW!” _God, my head is killing me._

The man fortunately obeys and puts his clothes on before asking, “Can we hook up again? You’re the best I’ve had in a long time.”

Brian thinks he’s hallucinating and gives him a pointed stare. “Are you for real?”

“That’s a no then?” The guy tentatively inquires.

Brian just glares at him. “GET OUT…NOW!”

This time the man doesn’t need to be told twice and practically runs out the door.

Brian just stays on his bed, sitting on it with his elbows on his knees and his hands on his face. He closes his eyes to stop the light from hurting too much, and he tries to remember the night before.

_I must have been pretty fucked up. What…_

He opens his eyes as he remembers _._

_Oh Fuck…_

* * *

Brian Kinney is a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them. As he remembers the events that took place the night before, he knows he overreacted after his discussion with Michael. He also knows that as a result, his actions only validated his best friend’s words in front of all his friends, and he doesn’t like that. At all.

Aidan is maybe a friend, but nothing more. He couldn’t be, not after having known the pain he went through with Justin. Brian can’t let anything happen between them.

So, what is he going to do? Aidan is a good guy, who already has too many troubles for Brian to burden him even more. But, how can he continue to be friends with the photographer when he knows that what he is feeling when he is with him isn’t just friendship. Lust, envy, desire, all these words come to mind when he thinks of Aidan. _Wait. Why do I have this image of him fucking this guy? I couldn’t…_

Closing his eyes Brian takes a deep breath. How can he have been so stupid? And yet, just remembering a few images in the backroom, he can feel himself getting hard. Really hard.

He decides to take a shower.

A moment later he is under the spray of water, stroking himself slowly, and soon, he is coming hard, crying out in the safety of his loft. Then, he just stands there, motionless, his arms supporting him against the tiles while the water falls on his back.

Fifteen minutes later, he emerges from the bathroom, naked and damp, with just a towel around his waist, and he crawls back into bed. Staring at the ceiling, he debates with himself on how he is going to proceed with Aidan from now on.

Ten minutes later when he stands up to get dressed, he doesn’t even have the beginning of an answer

* * *

  ** _Sunday night, the loft..._**

“Bye Sonny boy. I love you too.”

After having spent the week-end working, alone at his place, Brian is now standing in the middle of the loft, the phone in his right hand. He hangs up and lets his arm fall back to his side. He stays there, like he doesn’t know what to do next.

He just talked to his son on the phone, with a promise of a trip to see him soon. That’s the only conversation he had over the weekend, as he avoided all the phone calls from his best friend, wanting to be on his own for a while. He is kind of surprised, and grateful, that Michael hadn’t showed up during the past two days.

Eventually, he walks to the fridge, takes a beer, and heads for the sitting area. He puts the phone back on the receiver before sitting down on the sofa and opening his drink.

He is about to stand up to go and take some pot, when he hears the door open.

“Anybody here?” The loud and strong voice of his foster mother echoes in the air. Brian sighs. _Great. An intervention. Just what I need right now._ “Brian?”

Brian knows there’s no point in stopping Debbie on a mission, so he doesn’t even try. “In here.”

Debbie makes her way to the sofa. She’s wearing a long pink shirt with big earrings, and of course, she has a tuna macaroni casserole in her hands.

Brian scowls. “Debbie, you didn’t…”

“If you are going to say that you don’t like my tuna macaroni casserole, think again.” She grouses, and goes to put the dish on the counter before coming back to sit next to Brian.

She looks around, seemingly searching for something. “Where is the pot?”

“You didn’t give me enough time to start.” Brian retorts.

“Hurry up then. Oh, and do you have some beer, and maybe a pack of chips or something?” Debbie demands while making herself comfortable on the sofa.

“Chips…at my place.” Brian feigns being horrified.

Debbie gives him a pointing look. 

Brian gives up the act. “Okay, stay here, I will be right back.”

Five minutes later, they are both spread out on the couch, sharing a joint and drinking a beer.

“You know what I love the most about your place?” Debbie inquires, tilting her head so she is touching Brian’s.

Brian inhales. “No, but I have a feeling I’m about to find out.” 

She looks up, resting her head on the back of the couch. “The ceiling. It’s high. Very high.”

Brian just stares at her.

“The ceiling and I share a real and deep connection. We’re both high!” she chuckles. “And I love it, but don’t tell Carl, or Michael.”

Brian bursts out laughing. Debbie really knows how to distract him as he’s sure she isn’t really high, considering she only took one or two puffs.

Deciding that he needs to face what she is undoubtedly coming to share with him, he declares, “Okay Ma. Out with it.”

Debbie looks at him. Brian held her stare, quirking an eyebrow.

“Okay." Debbie agrees. "You want to know what I think?”

“No." Brian responds.

“Brian!” She exclaims with a scowl.

Brian pretends to be surprised by her outburst. “You asked.”

“Never mind. I’m going to tell you anyway,” She proclaims and moves back to peer at him before continuing, “I think you’re an idiot.”

“Excuse me?” Brian retorts.

“Fucking like crazy when you invited that guy to meet your friends, really?” 

 _Great. She knows._ “Who the fuck told you about that?”

“That’s not the point.” Debbie refutes firmly.

Brian hates it when she tries to avoid his inquiry. “From where I stand it is.”

“Then you’re wrong.” She stares intensely at him and her next sentence makes Brian want to run far away from her. “Listen Brian, you can’t spend your life waiting for him.”

All he can do is stand up from the sofa. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The fuck you don’t!” She exclaims and stands up to position herself right in front of him. She then softens and takes his cheeks in her hands. “Just… Just hear me out here, okay?” She looks at him like a mother would look at her son, and he can’t do anything but nod. “You’re a good man Brian.” He tries to glance away, but she doesn’t let him and takes his chin in a deep grip, making him look directly in to her eyes. “You are.” She keeps her gaze on him. “And you will not be a better man by waiting for someone who you don’t know if he is ever going to come home again."

Brian feels his mask slip. Debbie has always been able to see through his bullshit, but even with her, it’s so hard to let go.

“I…” he shakes his head. “What if I can’t let him go?”

“You have to, Honey.” Debbie caresses his cheek. 

Then, Brian voices out loud what he knows to be the truth. “I know…”

Debbie insists, “you’re strong Brian, and even though I know our little Sunshine will always be in your heart wherever you go, as he will be in mine, you have to give yourself a chance to be happy again.”

They stay silent then, and Brian sighs loudly. Debbie wants nothing more than to protect him, as he looks exactly like the fourteen year old boy she welcomed into her home and into her heart. She can’t help but feel an ache for her Sunshine, though, as she knows from different sources that it’s as hard for him as it is for Brian. 

A few seconds elapse, a minute maybe and Debbie dares to ask one last question. “Who is he to you? Aidan, I mean.”

Brian gazes away before looking down to the floor.

“I don’t know…”

_I don’t know._

* * *

**_Monday, Kinetic..._**

This Monday, the atmosphere in the former bathhouse is full of energy. Papers pass from hand to hand, hurried steps filled the air, and six people make their way to the conference room, adjacent to the CEO’s office. It’s two o’clock and Brian Kinney is going to preside the meeting, which goal is to validate the ‘Elegance' campaign, before the presentation to the client scheduled for Wednesday.

The shooting took place last Friday afternoon, just after Brian and Aidan’s meeting in Brian’s office. Everybody is eager to see the results and to prepare the last and final stage of this particular job. Mr. Lewis, CEO of Amour, the company which designed the line of underwear called ‘Elegance', is going to be there in two days and the pitch has to be perfect. This campaign, if properly executed, could be a very profitable one as the company is one of the best in the marketplace when it comes to selling superior quality underwear.

Therefore, Ted, Cynthia, Marty as well as three other employees from the Art department are sitting around the conference room table. Brian joins them, coming directly from his own office.

Just as he is about to start his speech, Aidan arrives in the room, a little late himself. Brian notices that he doesn’t really look at him, muttering a quick, “Sorry” before taking his place on a vacant chair next to Marty, the Art Director. Brian knew he had been on a shoot for another new campaign, and is grateful for that. Truthfully, for the time being, avoiding him is just easier.

“So...” He looks at everyone around the table, except Aidan. “Is everything in order?”

“Everything is fine,” Marty confirms. “We made the shooting last Friday and, in my opinion, the pictures are great. All you have to do now is choose.” He extends his hands to give the folder to Brian.

He opens it and looks at the pictures in front of him. The result is exactly what he had in mind, and he is pleased to see that Aidan is a hell of a photographer. _As if you had ever any doubts about that one._

He chooses one and hands it to Marty. “Here. Make sure everything is ready by tomorrow night. Mr. Lewis is due to be here on Wednesday afternoon, and we’re going to mesmerize him with this work. Good job.”

“You will have it on your desk by five tomorrow,” Marty agrees.

“Anything else?” Brian inquires. Everybody except Cynthia shakes their heads. Brian notices that Aidan doesn’t even look at him.

“Cynthia?” Brian interrogates.

“If Mr. Lewis is mesmerized with your genius strike - and I’m sure he will be - everything is ready for a twenty second TV spot,” Cynthia informs her boss.

“Great… Good job everyone.” He congratulates his team before dismissing everyone as he gathered his folder. Everybody stands up and start to leave the conference room.

“Shit.”

Brian, who was picking up the files in front of him, looks up and sees Aidan staring at his phone. Just then, the phone starts to vibrate.

“What?” Aidan answers visibly worried already. “What? What do you mean you don’t know where she is?” His facial features reflect nothing but anguish. “I… No…Don’t.” Aidan begins to walk toward the door. “I’m leaving now. Have you called your Dad yet?” Aidan pauses, focused on the voice on his cell. “Okay, go home, just in case. I’m going to look for her. I will call you.” He snaps the phone shut and storms out of the room.

“Aidan.” Brian follows him, having understood what is happening from the little conversation he overheard. Aidan doesn’t stop.

Brian quickens his pace and grabs his arm just as he is about to reach the front door. “Aidan.”

The grip on his arm makes Aidan stop and turn around. “What?” His fear transpires through every pore of his skin.

“I’m going with you,” Brian informs him.

“What?” Aidan looks dumbfounded for a second, before saying. “No way, this doesn’t concern you.” He begins to turn back to the entrance.

Brian grips him once more. “I don’t care.”

Aidan looks at him, with an almost angry look on his face. “Don’t Brian, not now.”

“You don’t have a car,” Brian reminds his friend, hoping that this argument will cut this conversation short. As far as he knows, Aidan hasn’t bought a car or a motorcycle since moving to Pittsburgh.

That makes Aidan pause. Brian can see him thinking hard. Coming to a decision, he relents, “Okay, but we have to go now, please…”

“Give me two seconds to grab my keys.” Brian releases his arm and walks back to his office.

A few seconds later, as the two men made their way to the parking lot, Brian doesn’t even think twice about his plan of avoiding Aidan. The man needs his help, and for now, that’s all that matters.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Aidan go in search of Olivia.

**Aidan’s POV**

“I can’t believe this.”

The classic car has been navigating the streets for more than an hour now. Tension is filling the air, anxiety and fear gripping Aidan like an iron fist, while Brian doesn’t say a word, concentrating instead on driving carefully in order to maintain a good view of the street.

Aidan is a mess. He doesn’t look like it as he tries his best to hide his tenseness instead, but he knows he isn’t fooling Brian. They have been driving for more than an hour already, and they still don’t have any clue as to where Olivia is.

Noah had called him at Kinnetik to inform him that Olivia was missing. Claire had dropped her off at her appointment this morning before returning to the campus. Olivia had recently joined a group at the hospital to work on her memory, and she was supposed to wait for Noah to come and get her after his last class of the morning. Unfortunately, Noah had been late due to a friend unexpectedly spraining his ankle while walking on a sidewalk. He had to go with him to an urgent care facility, and had consequently missed his bus. When he had arrived at the hospital twenty minutes later, Olivia was gone.

Aidan and Brian had first stopped at the hospital to question the staff about Olivia. It was a lost cause, of course, Noah having already asked around, but Aidan didn’t want to leave anything to chance. He had yelled at the poor nurse who had left her without surveillance, even if he knew that they couldn’t look after all their patients all the time; and furthermore, Olivia had traveled to the hospital on her own a few times lately, even if it had not been too much recently. Suffering from Alzheimer’s disease didn’t mean that she had to be watched over constantly, although that statement was becoming less and less accurate with each passing day. So, Aidan knew that the nurse wasn’t guilty of anything, but fear was leading him to act like a madman. If not for Brian, who had finally told him to get in the car without giving him a choice to do otherwise, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t have freaked out even more.

He should have seen it coming. After his disastrous night at Babylon with Brian, Aidan hadn’t had the time to dwell on it. Saturday morning, Samuel had called him, asking him to come over as soon as possible, because Olivia was having a really bad day. She was angry and aggressive, as she was more and more often now, and normally Aidan’s presence calmed her somehow. Aidan had stayed all weekend with his sister, and by Sunday night, he had been exhausted, even though he had been relieved to see that Olivia seemed better than the day before. They had cooked all day Saturday, because Claire was coming for the weekend, and even though at first she had been angry over breaking a dozen eggs, Aidan had managed to calm her and they had eventually had a good time. Sunday turned out to be even better, as she was smiling and laughing, even though she periodically experienced occasional, disturbing moments when her family noticed that she didn’t seem to be there anymore.

Fucking disease.

By Sunday night, when Aidan had said goodbye to Olivia and Samuel and to his nephews, he was feeling all sorts of emotions. Happiness and gratitude for this wonderful person, but also a mixture of other feelings that never seemed to leave him lately. Helplessness, nostalgia and a feeling too hard to put into words, when you know that these moments, which make life worth living, are slowly slipping away, and would soon become both a beautiful and painful memory at the same time.

Therefore, when he had made his way to the conference room on Monday, Aidan hadn’t known how to act. Brian had totally ignored him on Friday night except for their encounter in the backroom of Babylon, and he didn’t know how Brian was going to proceed from there. He hadn’t really thought about him during the entire weekend, even though what had happened at Babylon had crossed his mind a few times, but he had refused to analyze it. He had only known that he was kind of angry at the man, and kind of lost at the same time. His emotions had been taking over too much recently as he was feeling too many, and he didn’t like it. So he had decided to ignore the other man altogether. He suspected that it would be easier for everyone, Brian included.

The only thing that he hadn’t predicted was his sister’s disappearance.

At first, he hadn’t wanted to accept Brian’s help, but his argument about the car had made him change his mind. It would have been stupid to refuse, when he would have been forced to search by foot otherwise. He had enough troubles as it was, without adding his fucking pride to the mix.

After the fiasco of the hospital scene, Aidan hadn’t really known how to proceed. As a result, they had been surveying the streets a little haphazardly, driving in circles around the hospital’s vicinity, but unfortunately so far there had been no sign of Olivia. Aidan had even asked Brian to stop the car at one point in order to show the picture he had securely hidden in his wallet to random passersby, with Brian by his side. He was sure then that he had been about to lose it, but Brian hadn’t allowed it, letting him know in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t help his sister by acting that way.

Several hours later, Aidan is at a loss. Samuel has taken his own car and is looking for his wife near their house, and Noah is staying at home to make sure Olivia doesn’t come back without them being notified immediately. Aidan is starting to lose it, _again_ , when Brian comes up with a new idea.

“Aidan.”  They have stopped the car and neither man has said a word in the last ten minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. “Is there a place where your sister tended to feel secure, or felt a sense of calm or happiness, maybe?  When she was, you know…”

“You mean a place she used to go to? Before?”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t live here before,” Aidan points out.

“I know; but maybe there’s a place here that could remind her of another important place for her.  A place she went to when she was younger.”

“I…” Aidan tries to think hard, but nothing comes to mind. Unless…  “We used to go to a park when I was a child. We lived in an apartment, so it was the only way for her to wear me out and enjoy being outside four walls at the same time. We used to go to this park next to our place with all these flowers and trees around… She always said that she loved it and that she loved to hear the children laughing around her; she even went with her own children later…” Aidan looks up.  “Is there is a park near this area? One with a playground, maybe?”

“Let me think for a minute.” Brian scratches his head. “I think there is a park not too far from here.  Not sure if there is a play area, but we could give it a try.”

“Let’s go.”

* * *

She is here.

Sitting on a bench without her shoes on, seemingly looking at the few children nearby, she looks like a mad woman.

Her stare is vacant, void of any emotions, like a forgotten doll, immobile. Aidan’s first emotion, relief, is soon replaced by something else. Something darker. Petrifying almost.

Tapping out a quick text on his phone, he snaps it closed and comes closer to the bench. Brian, who has been by his side from the instant he first saw her, has stayed behind, understanding without words that his place is not with the other man at the moment.

He sits next to her and waits for her reaction. There’s none.

“Livia?”

She doesn’t move, except for the little movements of her hands or the back-and-forth movement of her body. Aidan feels a grip inside him, like he is going to suffocate soon, without being able to prevent anything.

“Livia.” He puts his hand on her arms and she turns her head to look at him. The stare she gives him makes him want to run away, because he has never seen anything like that before in her beautiful, green eyes.

“Fuck, Livia…,” he whispers, taking her in his arms, carefully, and she lets him. He allows her to set the pace of the back-and-forth movement, hoping that it can reassure her, or even better, bring her back immediately, even if he doesn’t believe it for a minute.

* * *

 The ride to the hospital is a nightmare.

Brian had called an ambulance when Aidan had joined Olivia. Aidan had been able to escort her to the ambulance, but as soon as the medical team wants to separate them, Olivia starts to scream, her voice turning into awful wails of despair. Aidan has no other choice but to stay with her and ride in the ambulance to calm her down, but she stays restless even with him by her side.

The medical team has to restart three times before being able to administrate her a sedative. Aidan doesn’t let go of her hand, fearing an even stronger reaction if not for the physical contact.

He is now waiting in the lobby, sitting with his hands gripping his face. Brian is once again by his side, as it seems that he decided that Aidan shouldn’t be on his own, even if his family is going to be there soon.

The wait is one of the worst part of this nightmare. Aidan doesn’t want to think about his sister, alone in a hospital bed, considering the state of mind she was in a few moments earlier. Still, it’s all he has in mind right now and he tries his best to stay strong. He doesn’t want Samuel and his nephews to know the truth just by looking at him, at least not yet, not like this. He wants to prepare them for what they probably all are going to face, not terrify them right from the start.

“Aidan… They’re here.” Brian brings him out of his thoughts. He composes himself before looking up and rising from his chair to gather his niece in his arms. “Claire…” He moves back then and hugs his nephew and his brother-in-law.

“How is she?”

“She’s…not good.” Looking at Brian, he adds, “We’re waiting for the doctor to arrive.” Then, almost as an afterthought, he says, “This is Brian.”  He pauses. “A friend…He was with me when we found her.”

They nod at each other and sit down in the vacant chairs. Brian returns to his place back next to Aidan, and squeezes his shoulder in a sign of support.

Ten minutes later, Olivia’s neurologist, as well as Samuel’s friend, comes to see them, a somber look on his face.

“Samuel, Aidan.” Aidan knows him, too, having been to several consultations with his sister. Dr. Moore greets Claire and Noah, nods at Brian and asks, “May I speak with you two? Privately?”

“Sure.” Aidan turns to Brian. “You should go, it will be okay now; you’ve done enough already.”

But Brian shakes his head.  “I’m fine. I’ll wait for you, at least until I know she is okay.”

“I…” Aidan’s gaze comes to rest on Dr. Moore before returning to peer over at Brian. The other man has been his anchor today, and if not for him, he knows he would have freaked out, or worse. He realizes that he doesn’t want him to leave. Not yet.

“Okay.”

* * *

 Two hours later, Aidan and Brian leave the hospital. Olivia is asleep and will stay over at least until the next day. There is nothing they can do, except watch her sleep, since she is still medicated. She won’t wake up till the next morning, so there is really no reason to stay. Of course, it took three persons, Brian included, to make Aidan agree with that reasoning.

“Where are we going?” Aidan is so lost in his own thoughts that he hasn’t noticed immediately that Brian’s not driving to his apartment. It’s to be expected, though, since Brian has never been to his place and therefore could not guess how to get there, but the other man seems to know where he’s heading. So Aidan isn’t surprised when Brian answers his question, nor does he contradicts him.

“We’re going to my place.”

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

As the two men drive to the hospital right after leaving Kinnetik, there isn’t a word exchanged between them. All that Brian can feel is the tension emanating from his friend. He is sitting still in the passenger seat, too still actually, and Brian understands that if not for that stillness, the man would probably have already lost it.

So he isn’t surprised that when they arrive, he barely has time to park his car before Aidan literally jumps from the car, even before it comes to a full stop. Brian follows him as fast as he can. It isn’t hard, as he just has to follow the loud voice echoing in the corridors.

“How could you let her be on her own? She has Alzheimer’s, for fuck’s sake!” Aidan is shouting, and everyone around them can enjoy the show.

“Mr. Cole…” The nurse visibly doesn’t know how to calm him or if she can calm him at all. 

“Don’t _Mr. Cole_ me! She is gone, do you understand that?”

“Aidan,” Brian interrupts his friend.

Aidan doesn’t even look at him. “Don’t start, Brian!”

Brian grips his arm. “YOU don’t start! You’re scaring this poor girl, and you’re not helping, so stop being a stupid fag!”

“What?” Aidan turns to look at him, a look of fury on his face.

“You heard me,” Brian says, not backing down. “Now, move your ass and go back to the car. Let me handle it. You’re not in any condition to question her.” Aidan glares at him and Brian glares back. “Now!”

After a few seconds, Aidan gives up.

Ten minutes later, after receiving a confirmation that nobody in the hospital knows anything about Aidan’s sister’s disappearance, Brian joins Aidan back at the car. The man is restless as they begin to survey the streets nearby.

One hour later, Aidan asks him to stop the car and they try to fruitlessly interrogate passersby for the next two hours. Aidan nearly loses it then, forcing Brian to remind him once more that breaking down will not help his sister. “You need to stay focused. Do it for her. Don’t lose it now,” Brian urges him with conviction. It seems to calm Aidan, who, with a seemingly new resolve, makes his way back to the car.

After that they try again to find her, and finally, at seven o clock, Brian stops the ‘Vette in a parking lot, not knowing what to do next. Aidan is barely holding on.

Olivia is nowhere. Still, she has to be somewhere. Where would she go if she was lost? Where would _he_ go if _he_ was lost, physically and emotionally?

He remembers the numerous times when he was a teenager and he wanted to leave his loveless house, and to go someplace safe, someplace where he wasn’t feeling invisible and worthless. A lot of people didn’t understand why Michael’s friendship meant so much to him, but if they really knew the kind of life he had experienced as a child, they wouldn’t even question it. Michael and Debbie had given him a home where he had felt for the first time that he was valuable, like he was worth something. Furthermore, he had felt _safe_ and happy.

_Wait. What if…?_

“Aidan…Was there a place where your sister felt secure, or felt a sense of calm or happiness, maybe, when she was, you know…”

That seems to get his attention. “You mean a place she used to go? Before?”

“Yeah.” Brian acquiesces. 

“She didn’t live here before.” Aidan remarks.

“I know, but maybe there’s a place here that would remind her of another important place for her.  A place she went to when she was younger?” Brian questioned.

Apparently, there is one. Brian and Aidan make their way to the nearest park which fits Aidan’s description, and Brian knows immediately that they have found her.

She is sitting on a bench, alone. She seems lost, mad, and desperate, all at the same time. Seeing her, at this moment, brings a pang to Brian’s chest. He doesn’t know her, but just looking at her and gazing into her eyes, makes him understand with no words what Aidan is going through.

Just one look and all is out in the open.

The unexpected emotion comes over him without warning. Looking as Aidan sits next to her makes him feel cold inside, the scene in front of him filling him with a sensation of heartbreak. Being witness to the drama that is unfolding at this instant, with no words, just a name, a quiver and an embrace, is deeply distressing. The love and pain between the two siblings makes him feel like it’s almost palpable, like he can almost touch it with his own hands. It’s invading the atmosphere with such intensity that Brian forgets for a moment to call 911.

Aidan has to ride with her in the ambulance, Olivia being terrified when they try to separate her from her brother. Her emotional distress shakes Brian to his very core, rousing once again emotions that he can’t control. Too many times in his life, these emotions got the upper hand. His family’s abuse, Justin’s prom, his cancer, the bombing… All moments when he couldn’t control anything.

Tonight is different. It’s not his lover, his friends or his family who is breaking in front of him. It’s a perfect stranger. Yet, seeing her and Aidan disturbs him more than he can say.

They stay at the hospital for nearly two hours. Aidan tells Brian it’s okay to leave, but Brian doesn’t want to. So he stays.

When Aidan asks him where they are going afterward, Brian doesn’t even blink. There’s no way that Aidan should be on his own right now.

“We’re going to my place."

* * *

  ** _Fifteen minutes later, the loft_**

When they enter the loft, Aidan is calmer. He finally informs Brian that Dr. Moore has told him that these episodes happen sometimes when a patient encounters a distressing situation. They will take an MRI the next day, but they are confident that Olivia will be better after she gets some much-needed rest. All he can do now is hope that they are right.

Brian is glad that his friend seems to feel better and fervently hopes that the doctors are right for everyone’s sake. “You want a beer, or some water or something?” They are standing by the counter and Brian could use a drink after their stressful day.

“Don’t you have something stronger? I think I deserve it after this fucking awful day,” Aidan mutters.

“Beam? You’re sure?” Brian jests, gauging Aidan’s reaction.

Aidan huffs. “You really are not going to let me forget about that one, are you?”

“It’s my guilty pleasure, to remind people around me how pathetic they can be sometimes,” Brian confirmed.

Aidan raises his eyebrows. “And _you’re_ never pathetic?”

_Touché._

“Well…It happens, even to the best of us.” Brian responds with a shrug.

“Right.”

Brian knows that he and Aidan are thinking about the same thing as he shifts uncomfortably. “Aidan...about the other night…”

Aidan shakes his head. “Don’t bother. It’s okay, really.”

“No, it’s not. I…I want to apologize for being such a dick.” Brian confesses.

Aidan, who was looking at the counter, looks up and stares at him. “You? Apologize? Who _are_ you?”

“Fuck you!” Brian frowned. 

“Seriously, you don’t have to explain yourself. It happened. End of the story.”  Brian gives him a pointed look, prompting Aidan to clarify, “Well, I’d be lying if I said I understood why you did it, but…”

Brian interrupts him at that point. Why, he has no idea. Furthermore, why he even wants to open himself up to this man is even a bigger mystery for him. But he does.

“Why am I doing this, you mean? Being a shitless bastard to people who care about me?" he questioned sardonically. "Let me think...maybe because my father was an even shittier bastard than me, who loved his bottle of Beam and his nameless conquests more than his own children, and who thought at times that I was a punching ball. Or maybe because my saintly mother is a frigid bitch, who promised me that I was going to hell because I love to fuck men. Or again, maybe because she and my lovely sister accused me a few years back of being a child molester. Take your pick.”

As soon as the words pour out of his mouth, Brian inwardly curses, realizing what he has done. “Fuck…” He takes a deep breath and looks at Aidan with trepidation. But the other man just stares at him with an impassive look on his face. 

_What the hell._

“I never…” Brian pauses, seemingly debating with himself about how much he wants to reveal to the other man. Finally, he continues. “Protecting myself before getting hurt has always been second nature to me. Hurting before getting hurt. Punching before getting punched. It’s just…” Brian shakes his head before gazing once again at Aidan and adding, “…easier.” He starts to pace. “I was in a relationship for seven years, Aidan, and I…” He stops and turns around to look at the other man once more. “I had to let him go.”  Aidan doesn’t interrupt him or doesn’t comment, and Brian is grateful for that. “I still…I…I had to let him go.” Brian hopes really hard that Aidan understands what he is trying to say.

“You still love him.”

Brian nods imperceptibly, but it’s enough, Aidan sees it.

“I know what you are doing,” Aidan quietly states.

“What are you talking about?” Brian inquired, not understanding what Aidan is trying to say.

“This…Sharing this with me…After having been by my side all day, supporting me…” Aidan gestures between them with his hand.

Brian just stares at him with a questioning look on his face.

“You can understand pain. You’ve been there. You still are.” Aidan seems to hesitate before adding, “And yet, you stayed by my side all day.” Aidan’s stare softens as he looks intently at Brian. “You’re a good man, Brian Kinney.”

Time seems to stop. Brian doesn’t know if it’s his piercing green eyes, or the words spoken, or even the special atmosphere that surrounds them after all that happened today. He doesn’t think, doesn’t analyze, doesn’t anticipate what is going to happen next. He can’t.

Next thing he knows, he is walking directly over to Aidan, quickly covering the three steps that separate them. Aidan looks at him with a questioning look in his beautiful eyes. Brian places his right hand on Aidan’s neck and loses himself in his stare for several seconds before leaning in closer, making his intentions clear. He pauses then, asking a silent question. Aidan’s gaze tells him all he needs to know. Then their lips meet for the first time, warm and demanding, the electricity that Brian feels throughout his body by the mere contact making him forget all about his previous reticence.

For now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special Thanks to Preced2 for her help on this story. She reviewed and added her words by accepting to be my beta after chapter ten, until the end of the story. She is an amazing person, and a very gifted and talented author. I hope she will bless us with stories about B/J for a long time


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the first kiss shared by Brian and Aidan, things don't go as planned...

**_Tuesday, 2 a.m.,_** **_Michael and Ben’s house,_**

**Michael’s POV**

_Bang._

_Bang._

_Bang…_

The continuous noise of a hand knocking on the front door of his suburban house rustles Michael out of a beautiful dream about him flying in the air, sporting a fabulous Captain Astro costume. Just before waking up, he has the distinct impression that he hears explosions all around him and that, being the superhero he is, he can deftly avoid them. Of course, he realizes a few second later that the explosions are just the product of a madman who is hitting the door over and over again, quickly diminishing his previous, great mood. His husband is sleeping next to him, and about to wake up, too. Michael leans above him then, whispering gently while putting his hand on Ben’s muscular arm. “I’ll get it, stay here.”  Next, he gets out of his comfortable bed, rubs his eyes and sighs.

_I swear to God, whoever it is, I’m going to kill him._

Of course, there aren’t many people bold enough to knock on his door at two in the morning, and by the time he makes his way downstairs, he is pretty sure he knows who the asshole behind the door is.

_Well, don’t be surprised; Brian always has to be behind something…._

As he opens the door barefoot, Michael takes a deep breath and looks up.

 _Bingo_ …

Brian is here, in front of him, supporting himself on the doorway, and is now knocking with his hand meeting nothing but air.

_There he is. Wasted and all…_

Finally realizing that his hand doesn’t meet any resistance anymore, Brian looks up. A goofy smile appears on his face. “Mikey! What are you doing here?”

“It’s MY door you’ve been knocking on for the past ten minutes, in case you didn’t notice.”  He reluctantly lets his friend in. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“A man can’t visit his best friend?”

“It’s two in the morning, Brian,” Michael can’t help pointing out.

“Is it?” Brian scratches his head and frowns. “Oh, yeah, it’s night already, I forgot.” He looks around, seemingly searching for something “Where is the professor?”

“Where do you think?”

“He’s asleep? And you’re not? Really, Mikey, it’s nothing serious. You really should get some more sleep, or you’re going to have more wrinkles. Wait! Is that a white hair I see there?” Brian tries to pluck a hair from Michael’s head.

Michael pushes him away with a scowl.  “Brian…!”

“What?” Brian does his best to look like the perfect picture of innocence.

“You’re wasted.” It’s not a question, definitively a statement.

“You think?” Brian feigns to be genuinely surprised.

The two friends stare at each other, and Michael seems to see something that makes him give up any idea to go back to sleep anytime soon.

“Fuck…” He says to himself then raises his right arm in the direction of the kitchen and says, “Come on, I’ll fix some coffee; you’re going to need it.”

Brian dutifully follows his friend over to the kitchen and plops down at the kitchen table while Michael puts the coffeemaker on. Five minutes later, the dark-haired man makes his way to the table, two cups of hot coffee in his hands.

He sits on a vacant chair and puts one cup in front of Brian. “So, what’s going on?”

Brian takes a sip and frowns. “What? Why do you ask?” He takes three individual sugar cubes from a box on the table and unwraps one. Then he positions it between his thumb and index finger and tries to aim at the cup, successfully landing it inside. Grinning smugly, he repeats the action with the next one.

“Brian, it’s two o’clock in the morning and I was asleep before you decided to appear on my doorstep, so I ask you again. What’s going on?”

Brian throws his last cube, which lands on the floor, and begins to play with the sugar’s wrapping. “Nothing. I’m fabulous. Just fucked three guys in a row. Had fabulous E. Life is great. I’m the most fabulous fag of this burg, and every queer wants to suck my cock. I’m the King.” Then he repeats the same thing, more to convince himself than Michael.  “Life is great.”

Michael notices. “You already said that.”

Brian frowns. “I did? You’re sure?”

Michael looks at his friend, at his expression reflected by his strong facial features. “Brian.”

No answer. Michael tries again.

“Brian…What happened?”

Brian looks at the wrapping in his hands, now torn up into small pieces.

“I kissed him.”

Michael isn’t sure he heard him right. “What…Who? One of the tricks at Babylon?”

Brian looks up and gazes intently at Michael, who understands what it means before he actually hears it. “No.”

“You mean…”

“Yeah.”

To say that Michael is surprised by this turn of events would be an overstatement. Still, he didn’t expect for it to happen so soon. “And?”

Brian snorts, “And nothing. He stopped the whole thing, even before it happened.”

Now, Michael IS surprised. “What? Why?”

Brian looks at the wall, not wanting to reveal that the rejection hit him hard. “Some fucking bullshit about not wanting to add more drama to his life. He said he didn’t want to ruin our so-called friendship. And let’s not forget the best excuse of all:  bullshit about me not really wanting it.”

“Oh.”

Brian’s eyes look over at his friend. “Really, Mikey? I just tell you the biggest gossip of the year, and all I get is an ‘ _oh’_?”

“Well, what did you expect?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe something like, ‘ _You kissed him? With tongue and all? Tell me everything!’_ ” Brian says with a high-pitched voice while making a disgusted face. A half-smile appears on Michael’s lips in reaction to his best friend’s obvious exaggeration.

“Brian…”

Brian is leaning with his face in his hands, his elbows on the table. “What?” he responds wearily.

“We’re not fourteen anymore.”

“Don’t remind me.” Brian takes a deep breath and looks up. “Fuck, we’re getting old! What are we gonna do?”

Michael smiles over his friend’s antics, and his use of the word ‘we.’ “Right now, _you’re_ going to sleep.”

Brian looks horrified. “Sleep? That’s a bad word!”

“Brian, it’s late, I’m exhausted, you’re exhausted, and not to forget drunk and high, so you don’t have a choice. Either you go to sleep, or I swear I’ll make you take a cold shower.” Michael gives Brian a pointed look, but Brian seems more amused than concerned by his best friend’s threat.

“Really, Mikey, you would do anything to see my cock,” he replies, tongue in cheek.

Michael shakes his head. “You know, you’re really unbearable sometimes.”

Brian’s gaze doesn’t leave his friend. “But you love me anyway.”

Michael stares at him, and finally, in front of Brian’s tender gaze, his eyes soften as he concedes, “Yeah, I do.” They stay like that for a few more seconds, both looking at each other like two brothers would do, until finally Michael stands up. “Come on now.”

A few minutes later, Brian is lying in the guest room’s bed after his best friend helped him to take off his clothes, leaving only his underwear on. Just as Michael is about to close the door, Brian’s voice stops him.

“Mikey.”

“Hmmm?”

“I love you, too, you know. Always have. Always will.”

As soon as he says it, Brian puts his head on the soft pillow and falls into a deep slumber.

Michael closes the door of the extra bedroom and sighs. Then he makes his way back to his bedroom and to his husband, hoping that he will be able to fall asleep again.

* * *

**_Tuesday, 8 a.m._ **

**Aidan’s POV**

The corridors of the hospital are relatively quiet at this hour of the day. Auxiliary nurses are just beginning to clear away some breakfast which had been served in the rooms, and Aidan can’t shake this unwilling feeling which comes over him as he makes his way to his sister’s room.

A nurse has just told him that his sister had slept through the whole night and that she had just awakened an hour ago, seemingly calmer than the day before. Julie, the night nurse, had thankfully been present with her at that time, talking to her slowly and calmly to soothe any possible feelings of anxiety and disorientation upon waking up in an unfamiliar room.

Yet, Aidan is nervous about the encounter that is about to occur. Seeing Olivia in such a bad condition the day before has really shaken him.

He opens the door slowly without knocking, and peers anxiously into the room. He comes in, and a breath he didn’t know he was holding escapes from his tensed body. She’s here, in front of him, seemingly asleep once again.

Aidan moves the hospital chair closer to the bed, and sits near the edge of it, his arms on his thighs, his hands joined. He looks at Olivia, all small and fragile, before lowering his head and staring at the floor. The memories of the day before come back with a vengeance:  the search, the park, the ambulance, the hospital; all of this making him feel vulnerable and relieved at the same time. It’s over; she’s here, even if he has a feeling that this is just the beginning. But he doesn’t want to think about it right now. She’s okay, and that’s all that matters.

He can’t think about the day before without feeling a pang in his chest. And if the primary reason for this feeling of tightness in his body is due to his sister, it isn’t the only one.

Brian had been his savior the day before, having helped him during the entire ordeal he’d been through, and he was so grateful to him for that. Without him, he wasn’t sure Olivia wouldn’t still be out on the streets, alone, lost and desperate. Who knows what could have happened? Brian had saved both of them by calming him down when he was desperately fighting not to lose it, and by finding the sister he dearly loved when he didn’t know where to look for her anymore.

To anybody who would ask him, the man was a fucking hero.

Nevertheless, the day had finished just as badly as it had started.

When they had made their way to Brian’s loft, Aidan had suspected it wasn’t the best idea they’d ever had. The two men were shaken by the events they’ve just been witness to, and their emotions were all over the place. Brian had even confided in him about his childhood, no less, and about his ex-boyfriend, with whom he was obviously still madly in love with. Aidan would have been lying if he had told him that his words hadn’t affected him, but he was grateful to know the truth from the man himself.

Therefore, when Brian had kissed him, he had been both surprised and unprepared. Yet, he hadn’t been able to stop it. While his head had been telling him that it was not a good idea, he had wanted it with every fiber of his being. It had felt so good, Brian’s lips on his, taking him, claiming him, devouring him. He had felt his body responding as if he were slowly drowning under the man’s touch. Until…

 _Flashback_ _…_

“I want to fuck you.”

Five words. Five words that have the power to make Aidan freeze.

“Stop.” Aidan takes a step back, detaching himself from Brian’s body, and putting a safe distance between them.

Brian looks at him seemingly dumbfounded. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“What…Why? I know you want me, too, don’t deny it.” Brian tries to come closer, but Aidan steps back.

“I won’t deny it, but it’s not that simple.”

Brian becomes angry then. “Oh, fuck, NOW what?  Don’t tell me you want to talk about feelings, or some other bullshit like that.”

“It’s not bullshit, Brian! You’re a friend, and…”

Brain snorts, interrupting him. “Yeah, keep telling yourself that…”

“What?”

Brian glares at him. “You heard me. You want me, and I want you. It’s pretty simple to me.”

Aidan doesn’t know how to make him understand.  “No, it’s not.”

“Bullshit,” Brian snaps. “If you don’t want to fuck, what DO you want? Or is it because you don’t want to take it up your ass? Because, I must warn you, you’re not going to fuck ME.”

_Ouch, that was low._

“Brian, stop.”

“Tell me.” Brian seems deadly calm now.

“Tell you what?

“Tell me why you don’t want to fuck.”

Aidan just shakes his head. “Listen, Brian, I have enough troubles in my life right now. Furthermore, I consider you a friend, and I’m pretty sure that if we fuck, you’re going to freak out.”

That seems to cause a strong reaction from the other man, but it is not the one Aidan is expecting.

Brian is furious. “Oh, come on! Don’t bullshit me with the ‘ _I don’t want to lose your invaluable friendship_ ’ crap! That’s the most pathetic excuse on Earth, used only by hetero breeders who don’t have the balls to say fuck off!”

“You don’t understand!” Aidan is yelling now, too.

Brian glares at him. “You’re right, I don’t. But who cares? Not you. And certainly not me.” He takes his leather jacket and makes a few steps towards the front door.

Aidan has no other choice but to go after him and grip his arm. Brian pauses without turning to look at him. “Brian, do you really want to fuck me? I mean, do you really think it would be just a fuck? Look at me and tell me it wouldn’t mean anything to you. Tell me you just want me as you would a trick. _Look_ at me, damn it!”

Brian doesn’t move. “You’re wrong.”

“No, I’m right, and you know it. I’m ready for it to happen, Brian. But you’re not.”

They stay silent for a few seconds. Finally, Brian turns around, his eyes cold.  “You’re right. I don’t fuck my friends; how could I forget?” He stares intently at Aidan then, making his message clear, before adding, “The keys and the code of the alarm are on the counter. The mailbox is on the first floor. Don’t forget to close the door on your way out.”

The next thing Aidan hears is the loud noise of the door being violently shut.

_End Flashback…_

* * *

Finally, Olivia is released from the hospital on Wednesday. Dr. Moore had insisted she undergo an MRI on Tuesday, and the results were not reassuring. The disease seems to have evolved faster than normal, and the neurologist insists for the first time that they begin to consider the possibility of placing her somewhere in the near future. A few private facilities are available in Pittsburgh, with their main goal being to relieve the family of constantly having to watch over a loved one. Nevertheless, both Aidan and Samuel don’t want to hear about that right now, considering she hasn’t reached an advanced enough stage in the disease yet to contemplate such a decision.

Aidan spends all his week taking care of his sister. He calls Ted Schmidt on Tuesday to inform him that he wouldn’t be there for the next few days, and that he would contact him again next week. He is glad in a way, because he isn’t ready to see Brian, not after what had happened in his loft the previous Monday. So, all in all, it’s just easier for everyone.

The news about the deterioration in Olivia’s health is once more hard to deal with. Noah is more withdrawn than usual, and Aidan suspects that he feels guilty about the disappearance of his mother, and therefore about the evolution of her illness. So on Friday, when Samuel comes back from work early to take care of his wife, Aidan decides to take his nephew with him to shoot some pictures of the city and its surrounding area for one of his projects.  Noah has long held a real passion for photography, having admired the beautiful pictures that his uncle had photographed over the years.

After an hour’s drive, Aidan and Noah stop at an unfamiliar location, where there is nothing but beautiful land abundant with yellow flowers and a dramatic view of the sun setting over a small river. Aidan and Noah get out of Samuel’s car, take the needed equipment from the large trunk, and begin to walk to a strategic point situated a few feet away. After installing the sturdy tripod, Aidan steadies the camera on top of it and begins to make the adjustments necessary to get a clear picture.

As expected after the pervading silence in the car, Noah finally starts the conversation.  “I know why we’re here.”

Aidan doesn’t stop what he is doing. “You do?” he responds softly.

“Yeah. You want to talk to me about Mom.” Noah is feeling nervous since his mother’s episode, and he suspects his uncle has taken notice.

“Maybe.”

Stubbornness is a trait that uncle and nephew share, making this discussion more difficult. “I don’t want to.”

Unfortunately for Noah, Aidan’s always had the upper hand, being the more stubborn man in the family. “Then don’t. But you’re going to hear me out.” He plants himself in front of his nephew, takes his chin in his hand, and doesn’t release him until he catches his gaze. Then Aidan says, “What happened wasn’t your fault, Noah. For all we know, she would have disappeared even if you hadn’t missed your bus.”

Noah’s eyes fill with unshed tears and his voice breaks a little as he answers, “You don’t know that.”

Aidan’s voice stays strong and firm.  “Neither do you. Your mom is sick, Noah, and she isn’t going to get better. It’s not your fault. It’s not _my_ fault. It’s not _anyone’s_ fault. But we have to deal with it. And playing _‘what if’_ is not going to help her, or restore her to the way she was before. So, now either you stop playing martyr right here, right now, or you will have my feet up your ass, understand?” Aidan’s eyes are full of love and understanding, softening the hardness of his words.

That makes Noah smile.  “Fuck, you’re scary when you want to be.”

Aidan nods. “Yeah, and I’m serious, too, so if I were you, I’d stop this guilty shit right away.” As an afterthought, he adds, “And don’t swear.”

Noah nods and looks away, his body still. He shakes his head, as if he wasn’t really accepting the truth.  “It’s just…It’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, Noah. But we have to keep going.”

“Aidan…I…” Noah looks at his uncle once more. “It wasn’t just a friend.”

“What? Who?”

“The friend who sprained her ankle.”

“It’s a she?”

“Yeah.”

“I see.” Imagining his nephew with a crush at seventeen melts his heart. Teenage love is so pure in a way. He’d never really been in love, but he’d had a few crushes in high school, though, so he understands what Noah is going through.

“Aidan?”

“Hmmm?”

Noah seems to hesitate, as if he isn’t sure if he wants to ask his uncle his next question, before deciding to do it anyway. “Have you ever been in love?”

That makes Aidan pause. “Why do you ask?”

“I just, I wonder sometimes…what it feels like.”

At that point, an unexpected thought comes alive in Aidan’s brain.

_It feels like your heart is being ripped in two when he walks away from you._

“I don’t know, Noah.”

“You’ve never been in love?”

Aidan stares at his nephew, not denying or agreeing with the question. Silence is his best friend in this instant as he turns away to gaze out over the now quickly-disappearing sun.

“The light is perfect now. Why don’t you come and see it?”

_Avoidance. That’s the word of the week._

That evening, while the sunset was illuminating the valley, creating an atmosphere favorable to questioning inner thoughts, Aidan decides to stop working for Kinnetik. He tells himself that he won’t have any time in the near future to invest himself in new projects, anyway, and therefore he has to stop working for the firm altogether. But deep down he knows the truth.

He is in love with Brian Kinney.

He has no time to deal with it, though. So, avoidance is just easier.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian meets with important persons in his life, as Aidan comes to a decision...

**Brian’s POV**

**_Friday, Pittsburgh International Airport_ **

It’s Friday night already, and Brian Kinney is sitting in an uncomfortable chair, ready to board a plane to see his son for the weekend.

The last few days have been hell. After his little slip on Monday night, Brian had woken up groggy and hung over; still, he had no other choice but to go to work, as he had several meetings scheduled on Tuesday afternoon. He didn’t know how he had succeeded in working his magic, but he had. When he had come home that evening, he had crashed immediately on his welcoming bed without bothering to get undressed, taking time to only remove his shoes and jacket.

On Wednesday, he had spent the day with Mr. Lewis, and by the end of it, the “ _ Elegance Is Here” _ campaign was a reality. Amour’s CEO had been impressed by Kinnetik’s stylish work, and had given his green light to the whole promotion, including a 20-second commercial spot. Brian was proud of the work accomplished by his team.

On Thursday and Friday, Brian once again had no time to think about anything else but work. He was grateful in a way, because he didn’t really want to ponder the mess that was his life at the moment.

He decided to go see his son for the weekend and called Lindsay. His friend was ecstatic, and by Thursday afternoon Cynthia had booked him on a flight departing Friday evening, with a return on Monday morning.

Ted had told him that Aidan had called on Tuesday to inform him that he would be absent for a few days, and that he would let them know about his availability the following week. Brian hadn’t been surprised at all, revealing to Ted that he had helped Aidan on Monday regarding a family emergency, without entering into details, and that Aidan needed some time off.

He hadn’t had time to really think about Aidan after that, which suited him just fine.

_ “Ladies and gentlemen, we will begin boarding Flight No. 8034 to Toronto in a few minutes, starting with those needing additional assistance, followed by our first-class passengers.” _

Hearing the announcement, Brian stands up and makes his way to the boarding gate. Twenty minutes later, he is sitting comfortably in a first-class seat, waiting for the plane to take off.

Unsurprisingly, his thoughts revert back to the events that took place earlier in the week. Avoiding dealing with it can only work for so long, though, so he finally admits that his reaction to Aidan on Monday night was a little over the top. First, he confided in him about his personal life, something he usually loathes beyond everything else. Talking about his life, his parents or Justin is something he hates to do, as it makes him feel vulnerable, and in a way, weak. He knows his feelings aren’t rational, but that’s the way he sees it. Opening himself up to Aidan was reckless and impulsive. If not for the day they’d just lived, with the emotional ride it had brought, he would have never done it.

As if that wasn’t stupid enough, he had felt the need to kiss him. God, what was wrong with him? Aidan was a friend.

A friend.

_ Right. _

Brian knows it’s not that simple. The sexual tension is omnipresent in their relationship, and yet, neither man has ever acted on it until then. It’s weird, and Brian has to admit that the absence of sex is in fact the proof that there is something more going on here. Brian can deny it to everyone else until his last breath, but he can’t lie to himself.

He has feelings for Aidan Cole that aren’t just reflecting pure friendship.

_ I’m so fucked. _

When he kissed him, he hadn’t anticipated it. The words spoken, Aidan’s gaze, the special atmosphere, everything had pushed him to do it. He had wanted it. God, how he had wanted it.

He truly hadn’t thought beyond it, but the kiss had released in him a hunger, a desire, whatever it was called, that he recognized immediately. It was the kind of hunger that devoured everything else, and that he had only felt with one person in his life. Yet, he couldn’t stop, because he wanted it so much, he craved it.

He had  _ missed  _ it so fucking much.

However, when Aidan had stopped him, it had hit him, hard. First, he was confused over his own need, a need he couldn’t acknowledge that he felt for the other man, not after all he’d been through since his lover’s departure. Second, by saying no, Aidan was validating that he cared about Brian too much to cross a line for which the consequences were unknown.  He was telling Brian that there was something more here.

The truth was, for Brian, Aidan succumbing to his desire would have been easier; he could have convinced himself that it was just sex, need, lust, desire. Not something more…

By stopping him, Aidan had crushed his illusion.

As a result, he had kind of lost it. He isn’t proud of himself, he knows he had been cruel and a total asshole with Aidan in the end, leaving him alone in his loft while he went to fuck and drink the night away, after hurling hurtful words at him as a way of defense. Still, he couldn’t stop it.

_ Hurting before getting hurt…Fuck, I really am an asshole. _

Now, he knows that Aidan cares for him, maybe even has feelings for him. And of course, he is scared shitless.

To top it all off, he feels guilty. He can’t shake the feeling that he is cheating on Justin. It’s irrational and stupid and even lesbianic in a way, but he can’t help it. How he wishes that the man was with him right now, sitting next to him as they travel to visit his son, babbling about some stupid comic he read, or the next show he wanted to attend, or Debbie’s newest, improbable shirt. He would do anything for it to be real.

Of course, life is not a fairy tale. His ex-lover isn’t here, and won’t be here anytime soon. He knows it. He is learning to accept it. He is even trying to move on.

However, it’s a long path and Brian is pretty sure he is heading toward a lot of detours along the way.

* * *

**_Sunday, Toronto_ **

“I’m really glad you came. Your son is so happy to see you.”

Even after all these years, it still surprises him that he has such a good relationship with his son. Gus is smart, interested in everything, and seems to always enjoy his visits. They spent some time together the day before, man to man, and as always they shared a great moment, eating junk food and playing soccer, before they took a little side trip to do some needed shopping.

“I’m happy to see him, too. It’s been too long,” Brian agrees.

He and Lindsay are sitting on the same bench as the one last Christmas, with Gus once again playing soccer in front of them. The day is warm, the sunlight filling the air with just a little breeze caressing their necks. Brian is feeling good at the moment, with his son and the mother of his child by his side.

He notices that Lindsay seems nervous. Therefore, he isn’t surprised when she begins to speak.  “Um, I have a question for you.”

“Go ahead, as if I could ever stop you.” Brian knows that Lindsay always says what’s on her mind, whether he wants it or not.

“Brian!”

“What? It’s true! You’re a real bulldozer when you want to be.” Brian smirks.

She frowns. “Thank you. I guess.”

Brian’s grin doesn’t leave his face. “You’re welcome.”

“Can you let me speak now?”

Brian makes a gesture as if he was closing his mouth with a zip.

“Okay… What would you say if I told you that we were moving back, for good?”

That catches him off guard. “You’d consider it?”

“Yes. It’s been three years already, and to be honest our move here was a little reckless. Melanie has been working nonstop to obtain the proper qualifications to practice here, taking evening classes right and left…When the simplest solution would be to just come back home.”

“Is it the  _ only _ reason?”

“No. I miss the family. WE miss the family. Believe it or not, but Melanie actually agrees with me. Our family is in Pittsburgh, but we were just too proud to admit it to ourselves until recently.”

Brian ponders her words for a few seconds. “What changed?”

“I don’t know. Last Christmas was a revelation in a way. Having all of you at the house and seeing the children so happy…”

Brian looks up and stares at her with softened eyes. “That’s the romantic in you, or maybe just your lesbian side,” he jokes as she punches him lightly on his arm. Then, he asks hopefully, “So, you’re really coming back?”

Lindsay’s smile is all the answer he needs. “Yes. Melanie contacted her old firm in January, and they said they would take her back. And I contacted Sydney to offer my services as a freelancer or as an employee a few months ago. I have a part-time job beginning next September.” By the time she finishes her sentence, Lindsay is beaming.

Brian doesn’t believe it. It’s too good to be true. He has to hear her say it. “You mean…”

“We’re coming home in two months, Brian.”

Finally, Brian feels himself smiling without being able to do anything to stop it. He doesn’t want to stop it. At that instant, even if life isn’t a fairy tale, it really feels that way.

* * *

**_Monday morning, Kinnetik_ **

The flight back had been uneventful. As Brian makes his way to his office at ten in the morning, he almost feels like a new man, knowing that his son and his friend are coming back. Lindsay confided to him that they haven’t broken the news to anybody yet in Pittsburgh. They’ve already planned a visit the following week to announce their return, and to look for a new place. He promised Lindsay not to say a word to anybody until then. Still, while he has never broke a promise before, he knows it will be hard not to this time, but he will manage somehow.

Cynthia comes in and starts her report, just like every week, about things that have to be done, or calls that have to be made. Next, she lists all his scheduled meetings for the week before going back to her own work. Ted follows, entering the office with a folder full of various papers to sign.

“So, how was your weekend, Boss?”

“It was great, Theodore,” Brian answers, genuinely smiling.

Ted notices. “I’m happy to see that you seem to be in a great mood this morning.”

“I’m fine, thanks. How was  _ your _ weekend with the counselor? Did you two massage each other’s prostate to make sure you were still able to get it up?” Brian says, smirking.

Ted doesn’t even retort. He’s used to his friend’s borderline jokes by now. His only answer is a shake of his head. “Here, I need these papers by the end of the day.”

Brian takes the file and rolls his leather chair over to the opposite corner of his desk. “Will do.”

Ted begins to head toward the door and stops. He turns around and waits for his boss to look at him. Brian, who was tapping on his laptop, gazes up. “Yes, Theodore?”

Ted seems unsure of how to proceed with the information he’s about to deliver. “I…Aidan called this morning. He…He said he was grateful for all you’ve done for him, and for all the assignments Kinnetik provided to him. He also said that he couldn’t work for you in the future, because of a family problem that will take up all of his time.”

“What?” That seems to capture Brian’s attention.

“Yeah. It seemed…I don’t know, I may be wrong, but…it seemed that he wanted to cut all ties or something.” Ted looks at his friend, who maintains an impassive look on his face. “Did anything happen?”

“What? Why do you ask?” Brian stands up from his armchair.

“No reason…Just that he seemed uncomfortable on the phone, so I wondered…” Ted shrugs.

Brian makes his way to Ted and puts his arm around his shoulder, leading him to the door. “Well, you wondered wrong, so why don’t you go to that little office of yours now and stop speculating about other people’s lives?”

Ted gets the message. Loud and clear. “No problem, Boss.”

“That’s better.” Brian makes a final push on Ted’s back with his hand, and says, “Bye, bye, Theodore,” before closing the door.

Hence, Ted doesn’t see Brian leaning his head on it and taking a deep breath.

_ Fuck. _

Brian has two options now. Either he lets the man be, and he goes on with his life; or, he chases him and asks for an explanation for his little act. Because he knows that, even if it’s certainly true that Aidan needs more time with his sister, he is also using her as an excuse for a way out.

The only problem is, Brian Kinney never goes after anyone. So, he will certainly not begin to do it at thirty-seven- _ fucking- _ years old.

_ Fuck him; it’s better this way. As if two top studs could be friends, anyway… _

However, the idea of not seeing Aidan again brings an unwanted pang to his chest that he once again can’t control.

Of course, he chooses to ignore it and goes back to work.

* * *

**_July 2008, the diner_ **

**Debbie’s POV**

June is already a memory, days fading away seemingly faster with the busy atmosphere surrounding Liberty Avenue. Summer is always a period suitable to finding more men, more women, gays, lesbians, transsexuals or undecided, parading hand-in-hand down the colorful street adjacent to the diner where Debbie Novotny still works.

She could have quit her job as a waitress, and had even tried to once, but she loves it too much. Being here, making bad jokes, listening to the latest gossip, sporting in-your-face shirts, and opening her big mouth, was what gave her an identity. She loves it, as she loves all her lost boys and girls, being one of the best defenders of the LGBT community. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

Moreover, she’d just learned a couple of weeks earlier that her granddaughter and her mothers were moving back home. What a wonderful surprise it had been! Her son was ecstatic with the news as was her foster son. She couldn’t wait to have Jenny Rebecca, Gus and the girls back where they belonged. Something was finally right again in this fucking universe.

“Hi, Debbie.”

The voice makes her pause and frown. She was just about to go and serve more coffee to some customers, but now she stops and turns around. Right in front of her, sitting at the counter, is the man who has succeeded in associating the name of Brian Kinney with “Gossip Girl.”

_ You can’t imagine how fast a rumor can travel in this town. _

“You’re Aidan, right? Brian’s friend?”

The man winces at her words. Nevertheless, he answers, “Yes, Ma’am,” but the half smile he gives her doesn’t reach his eyes. The man seems exhausted.

“You all right, Honey? Forgive me for being so blunt, but you look like a train ran over you…twice.” She gazes at him with soft eyes, sensing a wounded soul.  _ Wounds you can’t see are often the worst to deal with  _ is the thought that comes unexpectedly to her mind while observing the man sitting before her.

“Do you have some coffee? Strong coffee?” Aidan asks, choosing to ignore her question.

“Sure thing; strong coffee, coming right up!” Not a minute later, she puts a cup of the dark drink in front of him. He takes a sip and nods. However, if he thought she would leave him alone afterward, he really should have thought again.

“So…” Debbie begins. Aidan looks at her, raising his eyebrows in a silent question. “You sure look like you need to talk to someone.” He is about to answer her when she cuts him off, even before he has time to open his mouth. “And don’t tell me that you don’t. I’ve seen too many men like you in my life to know when someone needs to share whatever he’s dealing with, and it’s safer with a relative stranger. So, now that we are in the clear, just know that I’m a good listener.”

Just then, the cook calls her from the kitchen. “Debbie, order up for Table Five!”

“I’m coming!” She shouts in the direction of the kitchen. “Think about it. I’ll be right back.” Aidan just looks at her and can’t stop a sincere smile from appearing on his lips. She really is quite a character.

Five minutes later, she returns to her initial place behind the counter and waits. When she sees that he hasn’t decided whether to start talking or not, she gives him her best pointed look, places her right hand on the counter and the left one on her hip, while her dish towel hangs from her shoulder, her eyebrows raised. The effect is both daunting as well as commanding. She has never met any man who can resist her with what she considers to be such an intimidating posture.

Aidan finally opens his mouth. “You’re not going to let it go, are you?”

“I knew you were a smart man.” She grins.

“Uh, huh…”

Something changes, then. The relative light mood they were in evaporates. Debbie sees Aidan’s eyes becoming kind of weary, and she sees something else too, something hidden, but not hidden enough. It’s sadness.

“You okay?” She drops the act altogether, sensing that the man in front of her doesn’t need it anymore.

“Actually, no.” Aidan lowers his head, sighs and begins to talk. “I…I’m having a hard time at the moment. Family issues…and I just don’t know what to do.” Debbie just listens and keeps her mouth shut for once. “My sister…She has Alzheimer’s. And because the diagnosis was a late one, it’s kind of ruling my life right now. She doesn’t sleep, she becomes angry about everything, and she is beginning to  _ forget  _ more and more…” He pauses for a few seconds. “She has a family. Two children. A husband. And me…No one else.” He raises his piercing eyes to look at hers. “It’s hard for all of us, but especially for her children… And I have to stay strong for all of them…So, no, I can’t say life is easy right now, but I have to keep going.” He shrugs and waits for Debbie’s reaction.

“It’s a big responsibility you have there, Honey; can’t anybody help you? Don’t you have friends you can lean on?”

“I’m not from here, Debbie, and let’s just say I don’t have a lot of friends.”

She hesitates before asking, “What about Brian?”

Aidan’s demeanor changes as his body tenses. “What about him?”

“You’re friends, right?” While asking the question, Debbie has to admit that she didn’t hear about Aidan until recently. Maybe she should keep her mouth shut.  _ Well, it’s too late now. _

However, Aidan’s reaction isn’t the one she was waiting for. Hearing her question, he bursts out laughing, even if she can see that it’s more nervousness than anything.

“Sorry,” Aidan says when his laughter dies off. “Brian and I…friends.  Right.”

A puzzled look appears on her face. “Did I miss something?”

“You didn’t miss anything; I’m sorry about that. It’s just that your question is really funny when you think about it.”

“Why?”

Aidan looks surprised. “You don’t know?”

“I don’t know what?”

“It’s just that I thought…Never mind.”

However, Debbie isn’t known for letting things go unsaid. “You’ve told me too much already, or maybe not enough, so why don’t you explain to me what this is all about?”

“No.” Aidan’s voice leaves no room for a possible argument.

“No?”

“No. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, Debbie, but if Brian didn’t talk to you about me, I’m not going to.”

“He talked to me about you.” Debbie tries anyway.

“He did?” Aidan seems to be genuinely surprised about that. Debbie isn’t sure he believes her.

“Yeah…” In front of his pointed look, she adds, “Okay, he didn’t say much, but I know him as my own son, and I know that you’re important to him, whether he is aware of it or not.” Aidan’s gaze tells her that he’s not convinced. She tries to explain again. “You have to understand, Aidan. Brian is a proud man. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I know he cares about you.”

“How do you know? If he didn’t tell you…I mean, how  _ can _ you know?” Aidan definitively doesn’t believe her.

“Because of what he  _ didn’t _ say, Honey.” Debbie is sure that Brian cares for this man. If he didn’t, he would have told her that the last time she went to visit him at the loft. The almost silence she had encountered when she had questioned him about Aidan was all the answer she needed to know. This man wasn’t just a simple friend.

Aidan shakes his head. “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Please, Debbie, stay out of it.”

“Okay, Honey.” She knows when a man doesn’t want to hear what she has to say, and Aidan definitively fits that category. “You want more coffee?”

“No, I have to go, my sister has an appointment, and I don’t want to be late.” He grabs his wallet and leaves a five dollar bill on the counter. Then he pauses, and adds, looking straight into her eyes. “Thank you for listening.”

Debbie’s heart goes out to this man. She smiles at him. “Anytime. If you need a break, you know where to find me.”

Of course, it has to happen just now, like in a bad movie.

As he stands up from the bar stool, Aidan freezes. The bell over the front door has just rung, and the man entering the diner in designer jeans and a t-shirt is none other than Brian Kinney.

“Fuck.” Aidan looks petrified.

Debbie turns her head to look at her son’s best friend, and sees the exact moment when Brian notices  _ him _ . He freezes, too, and for a second the mask isn’t there, leaving only a deep expression of surprise and something else that Debbie can’t read.

Brian approaches them, cautiously. He is the first to speak. “Aidan.”

“Hi, Brian.” Aidan is definitively on his guard.

“What are you doing here?”

“Having some coffee.” If Brian thought that they could talk, he was deluding himself. Aidan seems to want to run away as fast as possible. Brian notices; Debbie, too.

“You okay?”

Aidan seems unfazed by the question. “I’m great.” Debbie suspects that Brian immediately understands that Aidan is lying. “Sorry, but I have to go.” The silence only continues for three seconds before he adds, “Have a great day.” Then, turning to look at the diner’s favorite waitress one last time, he says, “Debbie,” and nods as a way of salutation. With those last words, Aidan walks past Brian and exits, leaving a seemingly unsettled Brian behind him.

Turning to look at Debbie, he asks without any preamble, “What happened?”

“Hello to you, too.”

“Debbie.” Brian isn’t in a playing mood.

“What? You want to know what your friend here is up to?”

“I want to know if he said anything to you.”

“You mean, besides ‘my sister has Alzheimer’s and I’m drowning, but have to keep breathing underwater for the sake of her family’?” She looks at his reaction to her words, and the vulnerable look that furtively appears on his face is all the confirmation she needs. Brian definitively  _ cares  _ for the man.

“Fuck.”

“Brian…” She has to try. “I know it’s not any of my business, but… he really seems to care for you, and…”

Instead of the “It’s not any of your  _ fucking _ business” pitch she was expecting, Brian surprises her, confirming her earlier conclusion. “And I’m an asshole, are we surprised?” He interjects instead, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“Brian.”

“What?” He barks, but the bark is more directed to himself than to Debbie.

“You’re not an asshole.” He raises his eyebrows while looking intently at her. “Not all the time, anyway.” His smile over that last retort doesn’t reach his eyes.

“You really know how to reassure people, Debbie. I understand better why Mikey just can’t stop whining, even at thirty-seven-years old.” Debbie notices that Brian tries to avoid speaking about what he feels, as usual. That was to be expected.

“Brian.” Debbie is nothing but a tenacious woman.

“Yeah. Okay. I get it.” She doesn’t have a chance to answer, because Brian has taken his phone from his pocket and is making a call. “Theodore. It’s me. Find me Aidan’s Cole address…Yeah, that Aidan Cole…Or do you know another one?  No, me neither. So just do it already… I’m waiting.” He asks Debbie for a pen and a paper, gesturing with his free hand. She gives it to him as fast as she can. “Okay, I’ve got it…Yeah, yeah; okay, thanks.” Then he hangs up, folds the paper, puts it in his jeans pocket, and looks up at Debbie. “Don’t say anything.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“And the Pope is my grandfather. Seriously, Debbie, just keep quiet about it, okay?”

“Sure thing, Mr. High and Mighty.”

He’s ready to leave, but he stops. He has one last thing he feels compelled to say. “Thanks.”

Debbie’s heart beats a little faster over her foster son’s gratitude. She suspects it’s as much for Aidan’s sake as hers. “You’re welcome.”

As Brian leaves the diner, Debbie feels a pang in her chest for a second. How she would have loved for him and Sunshine to stay together and to be happy after all they’ve been through. However, at the same time, she feels a deep swell of love for her second son, and she really hopes that this time life will bring him a share of happiness. After all the shit he’s faced over the years, it would be only fair.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian goes to see Aidan...Will Aidan listen to him?

**Brian’s POV**

As Brian drives to Aidan’s place after their chance encounter at the diner, he takes the time to contemplate his hasty decision to go there with more accuracy. He always believed in never going after anyone, and yet, here he is. Okay, so maybe he already bent that rule once or twice because of a certain blond man, but nobody knows it and he isn’t about to correct their assumptions.

Brian has to admit, if only to himself, that seeing Aidan, seemingly exhausted and beat, had hit him, hard. He had tried everything he could to forget about the man in the past couple of weeks, and if his reaction at the diner was any indication, it didn’t work at all. Strangely, he doesn’t feel bad about it, but he does feel bad for being such a prick. He never should have reacted the way he did. It was selfish, immature, and way out of line compared to what the other man was going through. Brian had no illusions whatsoever about Aidan’s state of mind. When he saw him, it had been written all over his face, or more exactly, reflected by his eyes. They showed so many emotions at once, but primarily they showed defeat. Desperation. Exhaustion. And Pain.

Pain.

Over and over again. He was so tired of the pain.  When was it going to stop? Didn’t they deserve a little break? Hadn’t they suffered enough? How long before life would cut them some slack?

Brian knows he is lucky. His life will be almost complete when his son comes back again into his day-to-day life. If not for Justin not being by his side, life would be good, great even. Actually, if he were honest with himself, he would have to admit that he is slowly but surely doing better.

For Aidan, it’s another story. He is condemned to watch his beloved sister’s decline, over and over again, and to be a witness to the deterioration of both her body and soul, which are shutting down slowly and painfully with no hope of getting better, ever; just the certainty that at the end of the road, she will be gone.

_Christ! How could you be so fucking stupid, Kinney?_

He should have been there. He shouldn’t have freaked out like a stupid drama queen.

_No apologies, no regrets._

That’s always been his motto.

_As if it were so simple…_

His thoughts are all over the place, but he knows that he has to focus on what he is going to say, because he’s sure that Aidan will have no patience whatsoever with him if he doesn’t know what he wants, or if he feels he can’t rely on him. Brian couldn’t blame him after the way he had acted at the loft.

Aidan is right. Brian has to think about what he wants from the other man. More precisely, he has to accept the fact that the other man is important to him, and that he can’t freak out whenever he feels cornered, or whenever things become too ‘emotional.’ Aidan has to feel that he can trust him, and that he can count on him no matter what.

_God, how am I going to do that?_

* * *

 

**_Two hours later, Aidan’s apartment_ **

It’s been two hours already, and there is still no sign of Aidan. Brian is sitting in front of the door’s apartment, his back to it, his right leg bent with his eyes seemingly fixed on the floor. Thankfully, Aidan’s place is the only one on the top floor, so he won’t have to explain to a curious neighbor what he is doing here, nor will he have to convince the man that he’s not a squatter.

_As if anyone could think that. Me... Brian fucking Kinney. A squatter._

The thought makes him smile. He is a nervous wreck at the moment, the wait increasing his already high level of tension. He could run away, and the thought is more alluring with each passing second. Yet, truthfully, he doesn’t want to.

Suddenly, the echo of steps in the stairway makes his heart beat faster, the sudden feeling inside his chest making it harder to breathe. He waits anxiously as he hears the steps coming closer before stopping a few feet away. He still can’t find the courage to raise his head, and he knows without looking up that Aidan is here and is probably surprised to see him there on the fucking floor. Hell, _he_ would be surprised.

The steps seem to hesitate for a moment before finally coming even closer, until Brian’s line of vision finally meets the feet of the other man. He can’t back down now; it’s too late. So he looks up, not knowing what he’s going to see in Aidan Cole’s piercing eyes.

The other man’s gaze is indecipherable. Brian has always congratulated himself on being an excellent actor when having to deal with his emotions, but he has to admit that Aidan is as good an actor as he is when he wants to be.

The silence is deafening. Aidan is standing still in front of Brian. _Too_ still.

“What are you doing here?” There is an edge to the tone of his voice.

_Here we are. Showtime._

“I needed to see you,” Brian says, standing up.

“You want to see me now?” Aidan appears deadly calm, but Brian knows the man is also deadly furious, if the look in his eyes is any indication. “Well, you’ve seen me. Time for you to leave now.”

“Aidan…”

“No. I’m through with you. Right now, I can’t deal with a man who calls himself a friend, but runs away at the first opportunity he has. I just can’t.” He turns around, his back to Brian, a visible indication that he is firmly intending on leaving him out in the corridor.

Brian tries to make him listen. “Aidan, you owe me. Just hear me out, and if you want me to leave after that, I promise I will. For good, if that’s what you want.” Okay, that was low, but Brian knew that Aidan would be difficult to convince. Bringing up the fact that he had helped him in the past was his only argument to make him cave in.

Aidan stops his movement, his back still. “Fuck you, Brian.” He turns around to look at Brian, voice filled with exhaustion. “I know what you did for me. For my sister. Hell, for my whole family when you really think about it. And I will be forever grateful for that. I mean it. I won’t forget, ever.” Aidan’s anger has vanished, transforming instead into a weariness that makes Brian feel like an even bigger asshole. “But I…If I let you in, I…I just can’t deal with your shit. Not now.”

“I promise I won’t run away.” Brian takes a step closer as he vows, “I promise I won’t freak out.” Then, he repeats with conviction, “I won’t,” and looks intently into Aidan’s eyes. “I just want you to hear me out. I don’t want to make things more difficult for you. I’m here to offer my help. And I definitely promise I won’t leave until you tell me to.”

Aidan’s gaze seems to search for an answer to his doubts in Brian’s eyes. Brian can only hope that he will find the answer he is seeking there.

Finally, Aidan turns once more to his apartment and puts a key in the lock. A few seconds later, he opens the door and enters. Brian waits, knowing that this moment is a turning point in their relationship.

He releases a deep breath when he hears the other man’s answer, delivered by a single word:

“Okay.”

* * *

**Aidan’s POV**

The last three weeks have been hard and challenging. After having stopped working for Kinnetik, Aidan had once again focused on his sister’s care. The consequences of her health’s deterioration were having repercussions on all the people who loved her. It was a really difficult time.

Aidan was exhausted. He had stayed at Olivia’s house for a big part of the past three weeks. Olivia’s moods were dictating the life of the whole family, and Aidan was trying to support and comfort the children for Olivia’s sake. Claire was coming home every weekend, but she was more and more cautious with every passing visit. Olivia’s reaction to mundane things was becoming more and more unpredictable, leaving her family with a feeling of helplessness and incomprehension that was deeper each time these episodes occurred. Noah was spending more and more time in his room, because seeing his mother like that was just too much to take for the teenager. Samuel was a mess, having a demanding job he couldn’t just stop to take care of his wife. As a result, he felt guilty, both for not being there for his wife, but also because of the growing sense of uneasiness he could sense emanating from his children. Aidan was trying to make everyone’s life easier by being there as much as possible during the day, and even at night when he sensed that his sister had experienced a bad day, and that, consequently, she would undoubtedly suffer once more with insomnia.

However, the tiredness he felt, both physical and emotional, was growing with each passing day. After three weeks, the constant watch was wearing him out.

Today, Samuel had taken a little time off to stay with Olivia in the morning, and to drive her to her 9:00 a.m. appointment. Aidan had stayed awake a good part of the night to soothe her and help her to relax, grateful for the five hours’ sleep that he had caught in the morning after having finally left Olivia asleep in the guest room at four in the morning.

By eleven, he is drinking a strong cup of coffee at the Liberty Diner. Of course, the waitress, Debbie, notices immediately that he is a wreck. She tries to make him talk; she’s obviously one of those persons who thinks that baring their soul to a stranger is helping people. Even if he doesn’t really want to, in the face of her persistence he gives in. She has the good sense to stay silent for the entire duration of his speech. Nevertheless, he is pleased with her tactfulness and thankful for what appears to be genuine understanding on her part; at least until she has the misfortune of mentioning the name of Brian Kinney.

After three weeks without seeing the man, his initial feeling of gratitude over Brian helping him on that fateful Monday is still there, but it’s not the only one anymore. Slowly but surely, anger and even disappointment have joined his first emotion. He knows it’s irrational in a way; the man doesn’t owe him anything. In fact, Aidan is the one who owes HIM, and who decided to stop his association with Kinnetik, and consequently, with the man himself. Still, when Debbie claims that Brian is a friend and that he cares about him, he nearly loses it. He stays polite, though, good manners having always meant a great deal in his family.

Of course, his reaction over Debbie’s statement isn’t a surprise to him. At first, Aidan tried to stop thinking about the man since making the decision to stay away from him. Unsurprisingly, it hadn’t worked. The fact that he had admitted, if only to himself, that he was in love with Brian Kinney didn’t help. However, ever since he had recognized the truth, he decided that it was time to move on. Still, he is angry with Brian, which makes no sense at all. It’s as if he wants to forget the man, but at the same time he wants Brian to _not_ forget HIM _;_ it’s like his head is telling him to move on, but his heart doesn’t agree, and prevents him from doing so with the worst weapon ever. _Hope._

He really is a fucked-up man at the moment, in more ways than one.

* * *

When he stands up from his stool to leave, he looks over in the direction of the door.

Fate seems once again to laugh in his face, because that’s the exact moment when Brian decides to make an appearance at the diner. Without his consent, his heart begins to beat faster and his hands become instantly sweaty.

_“Fuck.”_

_Wait, did I just say that out loud?_

He sees the exact moment Brian notices him as the other man freezes, too, their eyes locked on each other. Then, he comes closer and Aidan can only hope that his body doesn’t betray his emotions.

“Aidan.”

Just the sound of his voice is enough to make him shiver. Or maybe not, but it really feels that way. He doesn’t even recognize his own voice when he answers. “Hi, Brian.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Having some coffee.”

_And leaving as fast as I can._

“You’re okay?”

_Sure, all is so fucking great in this fucking world._

“I’m great.”

He can’t stay here, he just can’t. “Sorry, but I have to go. Have a great day.” Then, he nods at Debbie and leaves, without looking back.

* * *

With a fast beating heart, he catches the bus to go and meet with Olivia at the hospital. The way back home is a nightmare, as Olivia doesn’t want to take a bus, claiming that ‘they’ are going to hurt her. Aidan has no clue to whom she is referring to, and he tries to soothe her as best he can. When she calms down, he resigns himself to calling a cab, hoping that she will be okay with this solution. Fortunately, she is.

One hour later, Samuel comes home, having decided to take the afternoon off to release Aidan from his constant watch over his sister. The man has watched over Olivia for the past three days and nights almost without a break, and Samuel knows his brother-in-law is exhausted. He also knows he shouldn’t lean on him so much; it’s _his_ wife, after all. But it’s so hard to see her slowly drowning due to this disease. Furthermore, forcing Aidan to think about himself isn’t easy, the man having such a deep feeling of obligation over his sister for all she’d done for him in the past. He loves her dearly and would do anything to relieve her from her pain. At least, with time, she will realize less and less that her life is definitively and irrevocably altered, but it is a hardly a comfort to any of them.

Aidan remembers that day in April when, in one of her moments of full lucidity, she realized what was happening. Her eyes had filled with so much pain that Aidan understood at that instant the true meaning of the word ‘heartbreak.’ He could literally feel it in his chest. He had held her for a long time that day.

He’s glad that Samuel has decided to come home early today. He knows he can’t keep going the way that he has, watching his sister all the time. Deep down, he realizes he has to talk to Samuel about finding help. He knows it. Samuel knows it. Yet, it’s not that simple.

* * *

As he makes his way up the stairway leading to his apartment, Aidan just dreams about one thing; going home and doing nothing, just savoring the little time he has on his own.

So, when he reaches the last step and catches his first glimpse of Brian sitting with his back to his apartment’s door, his head down, it takes him three more steps before the sight in front of him truly registers in his mind. For an instant, he’s pretty sure he is hallucinating.

He pauses and observes the man in front of him. Brian seemingly doesn’t notice him, not turning his head as he approaches; yet, he must have heard him rushing up the stairs. And considering that he is the only tenant on the building’s top floor, it shouldn’t be too hard to guess that it was he who was standing there.

Composing himself, he makes four more steps and stops just next to Brian, who finally raises his head to peer up at him. His eyes show no surprise over seeing him standing here, confirming Aidan’s assumption that he knew it was him all along.

“What are you doing here?” Aidan doesn’t know what he feels over seeing Brian at the moment, but he does knows that he can’t deal with more of his shit. Not today. He’s too exhausted for that.

“I needed to see you,” Brian says, standing up.

_Needed? Really? And where were you these past three weeks? Knitting?_

“You want to see me now?” The man is unbelievable. “Well, you’ve seen me. Time for you to leave now.”

He should have known that Brian wouldn’t give up so easily, though.

“Aidan…”

He doesn’t want to hear it.

“No. I’m through with you. Right now, I can’t deal with a man who calls himself a friend, and yet runs away at the first opportunity he has. I just can’t.” He turns toward the door, hoping that his little diatribe would work.

No such luck.

“Aidan, you owe me. Just hear me out, and if you want me to leave after that, I promise I will. For good, if that’s what you want.”

_Asshole. You know I can’t turn you down now. You’re an even biggest asshole than I thought._

“Fuck you, Brian.” _I can’t do this anymore. Don’t hurt me. Don’t fucking hurt me again. Not today._ Aidan turns around and finally, he looks at the other man. “I know what you did for me. For my sister. Hell, for my whole family, when you really think about it. And I will be forever grateful for that. I mean it. I won’t forget, ever.” Aidan feels so weary, so tired. He has to make Brian understand. “But I…If I let you in, I… I just can’t deal with your shit. Not now.”

“I promise I won’t run away.” Brian takes a step closer, “I promise I won’t freak out…I won’t. I just want you to hear me out. I don’t want to make things more difficult for you. I’m here to offer my help. And I definitely promise I won’t leave until you tell me to.”

Aidan stares at Brian. The man seems genuine. However, is Aidan ready to deal with this? More importantly, is he ready to deal with anything else other than his sister right now? His emotions are so raw, he feels like he could lose it again in a heartbeat. It’s such an uncomfortable feeling for a man like him who has always been in control, but he believes that what he is going through is a good excuse to lose it. Maybe people can’t understand the bond that he and Olivia share after all they’ve been through; he owes her so much. However, people would understand that physical and emotional exhaustion could wear any man down, making him do or say things that he wouldn’t do if not for the emotional state he is in. Yet, this lack of control over his own reactions is difficult to accept, and consequently, to deal with.

_I really need to rest, I can’t continue like this. I have to talk to Samuel._

Not knowing what to do, he turns toward his apartment and puts the key in the lock. He closes his eyes for a few seconds and breathes. In and out.

Then, he opens his eyes with a new determination. He can do this. Dealing with Brian is nothing compared to what he’s going through with his sister. He trusts the man to understand that he doesn’t need any more shit right now.

He hopes he’s right.

“Okay.”

However, as he lets the other man come inside his home, he can’t help but think, _I really AM a masochist; that’s the only plausible explanation._

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Aidan have a chat at Aidan's place...

**Brian’s POV**

As Brian enters the apartment, he is struck by the simplicity and elegance emanating from the place.

The small hallway leads to a beautiful kitchen on the left, opening to a big room on the right, simply yet beautifully furnished. Brian can see a door adjacent to the kitchen in the far left corner, which he presumes is the bedroom. The bathroom must be in there, too, as he doesn’t see any other doors in the room.

Conversely, he immediately notices the multiple framed pictures which are adorning every wall, creating a feeling of awe from the observer who discovers them for the first time. Brian has never doubted Aidan’s talent before, but seeing his previous works from assignments all over the world, displayed before his eyes, makes him feel like a privileged person somehow. The passion clearly radiates out from every one of them, the subjects seemingly telling a story to the observer. Brian feels like he is discovering the extent of Aidan’s talent for the first time.

“Your place is…”

“Purpose-driven? Special? One of a kind?”

Brian tries to think of a good word to use as a way to describe how he feels about this place, but he can’t find one. “Well, all of the above, actually,” he finally responds. He peers intently at a picture of a man with two children, his hands on their shoulders as they walk through what appears to be a former building reduced to a heap of rubble and litter; the contrasting colors accentuate the forceful presence of the three persons in the picture, and is mesmerizing to him. “The pictures, they’re…I’m not sure that ‘beautiful’ is the right word for them. They’re…powerful, disturbing in a way. It’s just a picture, but it’s telling a real story.” He pauses to study a few more of them before he tells him sincerely, “They’re amazing. I love them.”

“You’re here to talk about the pictures on the walls? Really?” Brian turns to look at Aidan. “You should have told me sooner; it would have saved me from almost having a heart attack when I saw you earlier.”

“A heart attack, huh?”

Aidan’s eyes immediately glare at him. “Don’t play smart with me, Brian…” The man heads for the kitchen and takes two bottles of water from the fridge. He puts one on the counter for Brian, who understands the message and comes closer to the kitchen counter, focusing completely on the conversation ahead. “So…You wanted to talk to me?”

Brian knows he has to proceed carefully and not say something stupid. “Yeah.”

“Then talk.”

“You’re not going to make things easy for me, are you?”

“Easy is not in my vocabulary these days… And you don’t deserve easy,” Aidan adds with an insincere smile on his face.

_ Apparently not. _

“So…” Aidan raised his eyebrows, as a gesture to encourage Brian to talk.

Brian clears his throat noisily, trying to find the right words. “I came to…” He stops.

_ Focus, Kinney. It can’t be that difficult. _

Aidan prompts him to continue. “To what?”

Brian tries again. “I wanted to…”

In light of Brian’s obvious lack of words, Aidan huffs. “You sound like a girl.”

That causes an immediate reaction. “I do not.”

_ Careful, Kinney. _

“I thought you used words for a living; it should be easy for you.”

Brian can’t help but give him a pointed look.

Aidan notices. He  _ seems _ amused. “You’re actually nervous.”

Maybe trying to lighten the mood would be a better way to start this conversation. Brian can give it a try, anyway. “I’m not nervous.”

“No?”

“No.”

Aidan huffs again. “Try again.”

“I’m not.”

“If you say so.”

Brian can play this game. “You’re mean.”

A half smile appears on Aidan’s lips. “And you’re cute.”

“Me? Cute? Are you crazy?”

Aidan laughs then. That’s when Brian realizes that he isn’t sure this conversation is moving in the right direction.  Aidan’s laughter seems off somehow. Still, he tries to play along.

“Stop laughing. I’m not cute. I’m the hottest stud in this burg, I  _ can’t _ be cute.”

Aidan regains his composure, and for a brief moment the atmosphere seemed less strained; now, it suddenly becomes charged with tension. Brian is right; he definitely isn’t going to let it go so easily.

“Okay, enough with the bullshit, tell me why you’re here.”

Silence has often been a good friend for Brian. But right now, it’s definitely the enemy. Yet, he can’t succeed in opening his mouth.

Aidan sighs, and Brian knows he is going to give up; if he doesn’t react right away, it will be too late. “Aidan, I…”  _ God, I hate this _ . “I’ve been an asshole.”  _ Very eloquent, Kinney. _

“You think? You’re perceptive when you want to be.” Aidan’s voice is filled with sarcasm, making Brian squirm.

“Aidan…”

“What?” Aidan finally snaps. This isn’t good. “You want me to say that all is fine in the world, and that what you did doesn’t matter?”

Brian doesn’t even know how to respond to that. He doesn’t have the time to, anyway, as Aidan seems to have just started.

“Well, you know what?  It  _ doesn’t _ matter. And you want to know why? Because YOU don’t matter. Not now. Do you know that I’ve been by my sister’s side for these past three weeks, helping her not to lose it, helping her children not to lose it, helping her husband not to lose it? I’m there every day, helping, soothing, taking care of her, doing everything I can to make them all feel better, even if I know that there is a damn good chance the day after is going to be worse than the day before. I’m not sorry for doing it. I want to. I want to stay by her side every step of the way. But you know what? I’m realizing that I can’t do it anymore. It’s too much. And do you know how I feel? I feel shitty, even if I know it’s not my fault. I know it. I really do. Yet, I feel like crap. I’m physically exhausted. But even then, it’s nothing compared to what I’m going through emotionally…” Aidan pauses for a few seconds.

Sensing that Aidan isn’t finished yet, Brian stays silent while the man takes a deep breath.

“I’m a tough man, Brian. I will manage eventually. But, fuck! I can’t deal with you right now. I can’t. I’m not strong enough for that. So, either you tell me right now what you want from me, or you leave.”

_ Whoa. _

_ Fuck. _

_ Move, Kinney. Now. _

“Do you feel better?”

Aidan shakes his head wearily and rests his elbows on the counter, cupping his hands in front of his mouth. “No, not really,” he admits.

“Well, now you’re going to listen to  _ me _ .”

Aidan looks up, seemingly surprised by the conviction he hears in the other man’s voice. Brian takes a few steps closer, walking around the kitchen counter as he plants himself in front of Aidan.

“I was an asshole to you. I never should have reacted the way I did. It was selfish, immature, and childish. I  _ could _ place the blame for that on my fucked-up childhood, my aborted relationship with the love of my life, or solely on the fact that I’m an asshole, but it really doesn’t matter. I fucked up. It’s as simple as that.” Brian stares at Aidan, making sure that the other man hears and understands all he is saying. “That being said, I want to make it up to you. I want to prove to you that I can be here for you, that you can lean on someone. I don’t know how, but I want to. You’re not alone.” He doesn’t lower his gaze. “So now all you have to do is to accept my help. And if you do, I will be with you every step of the way.”

Their eyes don’t leave each other’s until Aidan breaks the contact, pacing for a few seconds before turning once again to look at him.

“I don’t know, Brian. You know it’s not that simple. You can’t just expect me to say that I believe you after what happened…”

What happened?  _ Oh, that… _

“You mean after I kissed you and freaked out?”

“Yeah.”

Brian is determined. “I can’t blame you. But I  _ can  _ promise you that it won’t happen again. I mean, I can still fuck up in the future – I’m not exactly known to be the best even-tempered man on the planet – but I can promise you that I won’t run away from you again.” Brian can only hope that it’s enough to make Aidan consider his help.

Aidan’s next question isn’t what he was expecting. “Are you sure?”

“What?”

“Think about it, Brian. Are you absolutely sure that you want to help me? That you want to put up with my moods? Because believe me, there’re going to be bad ones. Will you want to be there when I feel like killing anybody who tells me that life is worth everything I’m going through? Will you stay with me when I snap at every person who tells me they understand? I definitely won’t be the happiest man to hang with.” Aidan looks intently into Brian’s hazel eyes. “Think about it, Brian. Really think about it. I don’t want you to answer me before you’re absolutely sure of what you’re dealing with here.”

Brian pauses. One thing he knows without any doubt right now is that Aidan loves his sister unconditionally. You don’t react the way he does for no reason.

Brian tries to put himself into the other man’s shoes. If the woman that raised him and saved him in a way, the woman that loved him and accepted him like a son, was to disappear in front of his eyes, and he could do nothing at all to stop it, how would  _ he _ react? It would be like a painful and infinite torture for all the people who loved her as they were forced to watch her slowly slipping away. Brian can’t begin to imagine how he would feel if that happened to one of his friends. Furthermore, he suspects that Olivia and Aidan share a connection not many people can understand. The only time he saw them together, on that fateful Monday in the park, Brian had understood that fate had bonded the two siblings with a seldom-seen intensity.

As for Aidan’s question, Brian already knows the answer.

“I am.”

Aidan is visibly startled by Brian’s voice, since he was simultaneously having a silent conversation with himself during the small amount of time Brian took to decide.

“What?”

“You asked me if I was sure I wanted to stay by your side, even if you’re going to be the worst companion to be with,” Brian responds, a little smile playing at the corner of his lips. “And I just gave you my answer.” He moves closer to Aidan and positions himself right in front of him. “I am.”

This time, it’s Brian who is surprised by what comes next. Aidan’s gaze fills with unshed tears as he looks at Brian. He comes closer and lays his hand on Brian’s cheek. Then, he closes his eyes and breathes deeply, before opening them again. There’s desire in there, but not only that. Caring, even love? Brian doesn’t know, and doesn’t have the time to analyze it.

A second later, Aidan’s lips claim his, and his heart suddenly accelerates. After his initial surprise, he responds to it with all his being, feeling all kinds of emotions.

Aidan’s lips are warm, so fucking warm. Brian opens his mouth to allow the other man’s tongue to enter, after he seeks permission by subtly pressing against his own lips. The fire he feels inwardly makes him react immediately. He pushes Aidan against the fridge as the kiss intensifies, both men letting their repressed desire for so long take over.

In the back of his mind, he knows his friend is too exhausted to stop this, even if he wanted to. Brian doesn’t think it’s the case, but still, he doesn’t want Aidan to think later that he took advantage of the situation. Yet, he can’t just stop this; it feels so fucking good, but he wants the man to understand he can be trusted.

Making a quick decision, he puts his right hand on Aidan’s hard on, held captive in the tight confines of his jeans, and begins to slowly stroke it without opening his pants. The other man responds with a long moan as the two men’s mouths continue to devour each other. Brian is already so fucking hard he thinks he could come just with a little rubbing like a fucking teenager, but he doesn’t want to. Right now, it’s not about him.

Brian’s hand picks up the pace, adding more pressure on Aidan’s cock. Both men are moaning softly now, Aidan’s reaction to his ministrations being such a turn on, that Brian can’t help but emit soft moans of his own. The desire and lust are nearly unbearable.

Brian feels the exact moment when the other man is going to lose it. He stops what he’s doing, and opens his friend’s jeans slowly, allowing his beautiful organ to spring free. Then he proceeds to give him a really good hand job, trying to make it last as long as the man can take it. Aidan’s cock is leaking, creating a natural lubricant, and Brian alternates his moves between slow, firm strokes, and quick ones, watching with fascination as Aidan’s face gives him indications of his degree of pleasure between hungry kisses.

Aidan’s gasps are becoming shorter and shorter. Brian finally can’t take it, and caves in to his desire, sinking to his knees and taking Aidan’s cock in his mouth, sucking the whole length in one move. He brings him over the edge, as the other man climaxes in his eager mouth. Aidan almost screams.

Next, Brian stands up and supports the other man as he recovers from the pure pleasure he just experienced from the masterfully executed hand job, theirs bodies melting, and Aidan’s face buried in his neck. Brian’s cock is still painfully hard, but he chooses to ignore it.

It’s not about him for now.

“Brian…” Aidan finally recovers enough to stand on his own and regain the power of speech. He’s still breathing hard, his forehead resting on Brian’s shoulder. Finally, he finds the strength to raise his head. “I…What was that?”

Brian laughs. “I’m pretty sure you can answer that one without my help.”

Aidan smiles. “I’m pretty sure I can’t, actually. That was…fuck, Brian!  I didn’t believe all the rumors about you on Liberty Avenue, but I think I will have to change my mind. You really  _ are _ a sex god.”

“Glad you liked it. Now that you’re so relaxed and all – thanks to my mind-numbing skills – it’s time for you to go lie down and sleep.”

“Huh? What about  _ you _ ? You didn’t even…”

Brian shakes his head. “It’s not  _ about _ me.”

“Brian…”

“No. You implied you wanted to trust me.  So, believe me when I say you need to rest, not to fuck.” He touches Aidan’s forehead with his. “And besides, you will need all your strength to put up with me, too.” Referring to their earlier conversations, Brian hopes that Aidan finally believes he is the “friend” that he needs.

Aidan smiles and pulls back to look at Brian. “Okay, you’re right.”

“I’ll let you rest, then.” Brian is about to step back when he feels a pressure on his arms. Aidan’s stopping him from breaking their embrace.

“Brian?”

“What?”

“Can you stay? I mean, I’m going to sleep, I promise, but…” Aidan sounds hesitant, vulnerable.

Brian stares into Aidan’s green eyes and sees something here. He should be scared. He should freak out. Of course he promised that he wouldn’t. But it’s not the reason that makes him want to stay.

He realizes he  _ truly wants to _ . “Sure. I promised you I wouldn’t leave until you told me to.”

Five minutes later, they are both lying in Aidan’s large bed, Brian fully clothed with his tee shirt and jeans on, and Aidan clad only in his underwear. Even if he had decided not to fuck Aidan, two precautions are better than one.

“Come here.” Brian encourages Aidan to come closer and put his head on his shoulder. He slides his right arm under the other man’s body, and takes the other man’s right hand in his left hand, their joined hands coming to rest on his belly.

As Aidan’s breathing evens out, Brian doesn’t move. Being here, feeling peaceful for one of the first times in a long time, he allows himself to think about his ex-lover. He still loves him so much that it’s frightening. He knows without a doubt that neither time nor distance is ever going to change that. Even if he never sees him again, he will love him until his final breath on Earth.

However, he believes now that it doesn’t mean he has to live in limbo for the rest of his life. His feelings might never change, but he can decide to stop fighting it, and find a little happiness. He can choose to  _ allow _ himself to be happy again. Even if the thought brings a temporary pang to his chest because of the true meaning of what it implies…

…that he and Justin are over, and that his  _ mind  _ is finally learning to  _ accept _ it, even if his  _ heart _ never really will.

* * *

Brian must have dozed off for a while, because he’s jolted awake by the insistent ringing of a phone. Disentangling himself from the body against him, careful not to wake him up, he closes the bedroom’s door slowly and makes his way to the kitchen. He finds the source of the ring, sitting on the counter. Coming closer, he notices the caller’s name displayed on the phone’s screen.

It’s not any of his business, but he doesn’t care. He answers it, ready to give the caller a piece of his mind.

“Brian Kinney.”

“I…” Samuel’s voice shows his surprise, and he seemingly has to think about his next sentence. “Hi Brian, it’s Samuel, Aidan’s brother-in-law.”

“I know who you are, we saw each other, remember? At the hospital.”

“Yeah, right…” Samuel pauses. “Listen, is Aidan there? I really need to speak to him…”

“No…I mean, yes, he’s here; but no, you’re not going to talk to him.”

“Excuse me?”

“Listen to me. Are you listening? In case you didn’t notice, your brother-in-law is about to burn out. He is about to literally freak out, crash, have a meltdown, whatever you want to call it.” Brian knows he doesn’t need to lose his temper now, but fuck, seeing Aidan in the state he is in, has really shaken him. “So, if you don’t tell him to stop, he won’t. He has such a feeling of love and obligation for  _ your  _ wife and  _ your  _ children that he’s unable to listen to himself. And someone has to step in for him. If you’re not going to do it, then, I think I’m the only one who can.”

“Who are you to him?”

_ Good question. _

“I’m his friend.”

The silence that follows makes Brian understand that Samuel is thinking about what he just heard.

“Okay.”

Okay to what? “What?”

“I…You’re right, Brian. I know I should intervene and find some help, other than Aidan. He can’t go on like this, I’m aware of that. It’s just…Have you ever tried to stop him from doing what he wanted? Aidan is a stubborn man.”

The man is still finding an excuse, even if Brian knows Aidan hasn’t left him with many choices. “Yeah, he might be stubborn, but believe me, he knows his own limits. And he is reaching them. But it’s too hard for him to admit that he can’t keep going. You have to make him stop.”

“How?” Samuel seems lost, like he truly doesn’t know how to deal with the situation. Hearing the tone in the man’s voice, Brian softens, as he finally realizes that he _ is _ genuinely lost. He is losing his wife, a part of his life, maybe even a part of himself. Brian can’t imagine what the man is going through.

Brian isn’t sure that Samuel would consider a placement in a private facility for now, nor does he know if it’s a good solution. He is no expert. So he keeps his mouth shut about that. Yet, someone who could take over from time to time would be a solution. “You’re a doctor. You’re in a good position to ask around and see if someone who is not emotionally involved like you are could come to your home and help you out. Maybe a few hours a day, or at night, or whenever it’s better for you.” As an afterthought, he adds, “Don’t ask Aidan for his opinion on the matter for now. Just do it.  _ You  _ have to ask for help. Do it for you. Do it for Aidan. And do it for your children.”

“You’re right… I will.”

Brian feels the need to add, “Don’t misread my words. I don’t mean to pry; I’m only telling you this because I know that Aidan won’t before it’s too late. Furthermore, I think he is afraid to tell you that you both need help…One thing I know for sure is that he won’t hold out for long now.” He hears a deep sigh over the phone.

“Do you know what the worst is?” The silence adds a dramatic effect to what Samuel says next, which makes Brian shiver. “I can’t even look her in the eyes anymore.”

Brian can feel the man’s pain through the phone. Once more, he tells himself that people tend to forget that being healthy is so important, and that the alternative can alter so many people’s lives. “Ask for help. You can’t do this alone.” Brian waits for Samuel’s reply, hearing his breathing through the phone.

“Brian?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you. I’m glad to know that Aidan is not alone dealing with this.”

“No problem.” He  _ is _ happy that he has stopped running away, and that he is acting like an adult for once. He thinks of one more thing to ask before hanging up. “Wait, do you want to leave a message?”

Samuel’s answers tells him that he was right to interfere. “No, nothing that can’t wait until tomorrow.”

After hanging up, Brian takes a deep breath. He is glad that Aidan’s brother-in-law had agreed to listen to him, and he can only hope that the results of their conversation will have a beneficial effect for Aidan and for his family.

Five minutes later, Brian is leaning on the bedroom’s doorway, watching the sleeping form in front of him. He stays there for a long time before making his way back to the bed.

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Michael have a chat. And Aidan wakes up from his nap...

**Michael’s POV**

Preparing to close his shop for the day, Michael feels really happy tonight. It’s Friday, and he agreed earlier to meet with the guys at Woody’s in order to catch up after too many days without seeing each other.

The last few weeks have been good, great even. His daughter is coming home in a few weeks, and he is ecstatic over the news. Having his little girl next to him in his day-to-day life is like a dream come true. He can’t wait for her to be here.

It also means that the girls are coming home, and his best friend is delighted. Michael knows that Brian is fucking happy to know that his son and one of his dearest friends will soon be back by his side, even if he doesn’t say it. Still, for anyone who would make the effort to look closely at Brian when he talks about their return, it would be unmistakable.

However, something seemed off in the last couple of weeks. Michael suspects it has to do with Aidan, but after Brian’s little show in the middle of the night at his house, they didn’t have much of an opportunity to speak about it again. Being busy with work and other concerns, they hadn’t seen each other a lot in the last couple of weeks, except for a Sunday dinner at his mom’s nearly two weeks ago. Still, it wasn’t the place to bring up such a subject, and by the time they had finished their meal and might have had a chance to talk about it, alone in the relative privacy of the backyard, Brian had taken off, claiming he had work to do. Michael supposes he could have called his friend to ask him about his love life, but he isn’t sure that would have been well received. So, he restrained himself and now realizes that he doesn’t even know if Brian has seen the other man since their last encounter or not. He definitely needs to see his friend, if just to make sure he’s okay.

So, as he closes the shop, he decides to call him, and to tell him about his plan to meet the boys later. It would be a good time to try and understand what is happening in his best friend’s head.

Punching in the number on his cell, he waits for it to ring before he hears Brian’s familiar voice on the other end. “Mikey? Wait a second.”

_ Hello to you, too, my dear friend… How am I doing? Great, thank you, it’s so good to hear you’re eager to know if I’m okay…really, I’m so touched by your concern _ !

Well, he shouldn’t be surprised; Brian never  _ has _ been very good with greetings.

Michael hears smothered sounds, like the phone is being muted somehow, and he has the distinct impression that Brian is moving.

“Okay, you can speak now.” Brian voice’s is low, like he doesn’t want to make too much noise.

“Hello to you, too.” Michael pauses. When Brian doesn’t respond, he asks, “What are you doing?”

“Actually, I was…napping.”

_ What? _ “Napping? At nearly seven on a Friday night? Are you sick or something?” Michael is suddenly worried about his friend’s health. He hasn’t seen him for a while now. What if something had happened to him?

_ I really am my mother’s son,  _ he couldn’t help thinking dryly.  _ Maybe he IS just ‘resting.’ But why is he resting at seven o’clock on a Friday evening? _

Brian is certainly grinning, if the tone in his voice is any indication. “No. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because ‘Brian Kinney’ and ‘nap’ on a Friday evening in the same sentence are pretty contradictory, unless you’ve been to a big party last night that I’m not aware of.”

“No. And even if I  _ had _ been, you’re not my keeper; I can take a nap if I want to without asking your permission, can’t I?” Brian seems more amused than irritated by his friend’s question.

Still, Michael has to be sure. “Well, okay, but you’re not sick, are you?”

“No, I’m not.”

_ What a relief…But that doesn’t explain why he is taking a nap… _

“So, why ARE you taking a nap?”

“Why are you so obsessed with the idea of me taking a nap?” Brian retorts.

_ I can see his point… But I still want to know. _

“You don’t want to answer me?” Michael frowns.  _ Why doesn’t he want to answer? _

“Mikey?”

“What?”

“Why are you calling me? Other than trying to play Colombo, I mean.”

_ Colombo? Me? Why not that cute guy on CSI? That would be hotter. And I’m not playing Colombo… am I? _

“I’m not playing Colombo! I’m just worried, that’s all. I haven’t seen you in ages!”

“That doesn’t answer my question, or is it a particularly hard question?”

“I…” Michael opens his mouth and closes it, taking the time to think of the purpose of his call.  _ Why was I calling again? Oh.  _ “I…”

“Mikey, you are so eloquent when you want to be, that’s a real delight to hear,” Brian teases.

“Fuck you!” At least his friend hasn’t lost his particular sense of humor, so he has to be fine. “I wanted to ask you what you were doing tonight.”

“Okay.”

_ And? _ “So?

“So, what?” Brian has always loved to play the part of the ungrateful best friend. Over time, it had become a real game between them. The only problem is that Michael has yet to find a way to win one of their little word battles.

Thus, Michael can’t help but tease his friend back. “Brian, you really know how to make a man feel special, you know that?”

“Yeah, that’s me, I always make people feel like they’re one of a kind…it’s not  _ my  _ fault if that doesn’t always have a positive connotation.” Michael can hear Brian’s grin even through the phone.

_ Asshole. _

“So, will you join us? At Woody’s, I mean? I’m meeting the guys in two hours.”

“I don’t know.”

Michael suspects that Brian wants him to  _ beg  _ him to come.  _ Well, if it’s what it takes, then… _ “What? Why? We haven’t seen each other in ages!”

Brian chuckles. “You already said that, try again.”

_ I did? Well, I must be losing my touch… _

“Okay, what about the fact that it’s the ‘Firmest and Hardest Abdominals Party’ at Babylon tonight? Lots of shirtless and sweaty men?”

“You should have begun by saying that to me first.” Michael grins, but then his smile falters over his friend’s next words. “Or maybe not, considering I’m the owner, so I already knew, in case you hadn’t deduced it already. You really can be a little slow sometimes.”

_ If you put yourself in the tiger’s cage, expect to get bitten. Especially if the tiger’s name is Brian Kinney. _

“Fuck you!” Michael pauses and thinks for a minute. His friend is definitely not sick. In fact, he seems to be in a great mood, if his retorts are any indication. “You’re in rare form tonight.”

“You noticed, too?”

“So, you’re actually ARE in a good mood.”

“Perceptive, aren’t you?”

_ I’m perceptive now? _

“I thought I was slow,” Michael can’t help but point out with a little smile at the corner of his lips.

“That means there’s still hope for you.” His best friend’s reply is delivered with a softness only they can understand.

Nevertheless, Michael is still hoping that his friend will answer him and, more importantly, that he will come tonight. “Brian…”

“Okay, I honestly don’t know if I will be there or not. I…I’m not alone right now.”

_ Oh. That’s a surprise. _

“You mean, you’re…you’re with…?”

“Aidan, yeah…” Brian clears his throat, and Michael understands that he doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. “Do not jump to conclusions, Mikey.”

“I wouldn’t dare.”

_ I can’t wait to tell the guys! _

“Right…” Brian doesn’t seem convinced. “He is asleep right now. I… I’ll ask him if he wants to go out and call you back when he wakes up, okay? But please, just… you know…”

They’re not playing anymore. There is a vulnerability in Brian’s voice that makes Michael understand things may be a little more complicated than what he might have thought at first. Furthermore, his friend is telling him without so many words that he needs his support on this. Brian Kinney using words like “please” is not a common occurrence; it means real business.

“Okay. Just call me when you know what you’re doing.”

“Thanks. Will do. Later.”

“Later.”

As he hangs up his cell phone, Michael keeps staring at it for a minute, still thinking about what he had just heard. Brian and Aidan? What does it mean? He sincerely hopes that he will see his friend tonight, and that consequently, he will have some answers to his questions. In the meantime, he will keep his mouth shut, as he promised.

* * *

**_Twenty minutes later_ **

**Aidan’s POV**

When Aidan wakes up alone in his bed, he is convinced that he had just experienced a beautiful dream. It had been so vivid – almost as if it were real – talking to Brian here in his apartment, kissing him, and even receiving one of the best hand jobs of his life, before falling asleep in the man’s arms. For a moment, he doesn’t want to open his eyes, wishing he could prolong his fantasy for a few more moments before emerging back into reality.

As he opens his eyes, however, he notes that he really is alone. Now that his brain is slowly coming back to life, dissipating the fog which was still there a moment ago, he could have sworn that it  _ had  _ happened. Still, Brian is not here and the apartment seems too quiet to host another person.

He stands up and puts his jeans on, not bothering with a t-shirt, and heads toward the main room. As he suspects, Brian isn’t here, but as his eyes fall upon the two bottles standing still on the kitchen counter, Aidan realizes that he  _ was  _ there.

_ Fuck me. It really happened. _

Not knowing what to do, and since he is on his own, Aidan decides to take a shower to clear his clouded mind. Walking through the bedroom, he enters the adjacent bathroom and takes off his clothes, letting them fall onto the floor. Stepping into the large, tiled, open space separated by a wall from the rest of the bathroom, he turns the water on and after a few needed seconds to warm up the flowing liquid, he positions himself under the delightful cascade spray and just stops moving. His eyes closed, his arms supporting him on the tiled wall in front of him, the water falls onto his head, neck, shoulders and upper back, helping him relax by massaging his tense, hard muscles.

His mind is working perfectly now, with a million thoughts seemingly bouncing in his head. Aidan remembers the events that took place earlier in the day, and the conversation he had had with Brian Kinney.

_ Brian Kinney. _

The man had truly surprised him,  _ again.  _ When he had first seen him, sitting in front of his apartment door, he really thought that he had been hallucinating. Against his will, his heart had begun to beat faster, and he had felt a deep feeling in his chest just seeing the man there, waiting for him. Later, when they had talked and when Aidan had nearly lost it, Brian had said things and done things that had made Aidan’s heart beat faster again, making him nearly forget how to breathe.

_ God, I’m so fucked _

He’d be lying if he didn’t admit that he is disappointed that the man has left without leaving a note. Yet, he understands that he wouldn’t just stay here while he crashed for nearly four hours, if the time indicated on his bedside table’s alarm clock is any indication.

He stays here, under the spray, motionless for a while, not knowing if it is five or twenty minutes, the time being an elusive element to his life these days. He finally washes himself, his hair then his body, and lets the water sweep away the already dissolved soap.

Coming out of the shower, he grabs a clean towel and quickly dries his hair before moving onto the rest of his damp body. Finally, he goes back to his bedroom and dresses in a pair of black underwear and blue jeans, with a white sleeveless shirt. As he finishes adjusting his clothes, he sits on the bed for a second, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. That’s the exact moment when he hears a noise in the main room.

_ What the fuck? _

Standing up, he walks in the direction of the other room, and as he enters it he suddenly stops. Looking to his right, he sees Brian, sitting comfortably on a bar stool, casually reading today’s newspaper, a big bag sitting right in front of him on the counter and a wonderful smell slowly filling the air surrounding them.

Just then, Brian looks up, a beautiful grin appearing on his handsome face.

“Finally! I thought I would have to call Prince Charming. Or better yet, play him myself.” Brian teases, “You don’t joke around when you say you need to sleep. You crashed for nearly four hours.” He stands up, folds the paper he was reading, and raises his eyebrows. “Well, are you hungry? I can even play the handsome delivery boy, see? Or would you prefer a ‘fill-up’ of a  _ different  _ kind _? _ ” he adds with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, smirking.

_ Porn references? Really? _

“I’m starving,” Aidan blurts out without thinking. He should have known Brian would not let it go.

“Good to know, I can provide you with any sort of ‘fuel’ you like,” Brian teases again.

_ God, stop it, I’m already hard just thinking…fuck! Stop it, Aidan! Think lesbians doing it. There, that’s better… _

“You’re in a good mood,” Aidan replies, making his way to the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Uh, huh…” Brian answers as the other man holds up the bottle in his hand to Brian in silent inquiry as he nods. Handing the bottle to him, Aidan then retrieves another one for himself and takes a long gulp from it. In the meantime, Brian takes out what appears to be Thai food from the bag.

Brian turns serious before asking, “So, do you feel better?”

“Yeah, I feel… refreshed. Thank you.” As an afterthought, he asks, “Do you know where my cell is?”

“Here…” Brian takes it out of his pocket. In front of Aidan’s questioning gaze, he says, “I wanted you to sleep, not be awakened by your phone.” Aidan frowns. “Your brother-in-law called, and before you ask, everything is fine. We had a little talk, and…”

That makes Aidan react. “You had a talk with Samuel?”

“Yeah...”

“What…” Aidan frowns again, not understanding what this is about, and how he feels about it. “Why?”

“Aidan…” Brian comes closer, and stops just in front of him. “You’re exhausted, and you can’t go on living like this, you told me so yourself.”

“I know, but…”

“No, listen to me… It’s simple. Someone has to step in for you. Your brother-in-law is incapable of doing it, so I did.”

Brian looks intently into the other man’s eyes, making Aidan realize that he really does want to help him, even if it means having to fight him in the process. “You both need help with your sister. I just pointed it out to him. He can’t continue leaning on you so much, and you can’t continue being your sister’s anchor like you are.”

Aidan is about to open his mouth, but Brian doesn’t let him. “And don’t tell me you can. Just think about the state you’re in these days.” He pauses, adding more effect to his following words. “Look me in the eyes, and tell me you can go on like this, if you dare.”

Brian’s eyes can be fucking intimidating when he wants them to be. His eyes and his stature reflects his feelings about the situation regarding Aidan’s sister, and his friend’s involvement in her day-to-day life.

Still, Aidan can’t help but fight him. “I just can’t let her down, it’s not that simple.” As he says it, he diverts his eyes. He knows he is wrong somehow, but maybe he needs to be reassured that he  _ is not _ letting her down, no matter what.

“You’re not.” Brian steps closer and lays his hand on Aidan’s cheek. “Listen to me.” He captures Aidan’s gaze and finally starts to speak. “You are doing everything right, you hear me? In fact, you’ve done more than anybody could expect from you. Accepting help is  _ not _ going to make you a  _ lesser _ man. In fact, it’s just the opposite. By accepting some help, you recognize that you’re human, and that in order to help her the best you can, you have to accept help and not become burned out and unable to help her in the near future. What do you think is the best solution? Being there for her, or crashing for her?” Brian takes Aidan’s face in his hands and puts his forehead on his. “Come on, you have to help me here.” Then he moves back and their eyes lock, Brian searching for an answer in the beautiful green eyes in front of him.

Aidan’s heart is ready to self-combust hearing those words coming from the man in front of him. Furthermore, he knows Brian’s right. “You’re right.”

That makes Brian smile. “I’m always right.”

Aidan tilts his head. “And modest.”

Brian purses his lips; still, he can’t prevent a grin from appearing on his face. “Yeah, that too…”

“I want to kiss you.”

“That’s the best idea you’ve had in days…”

They kiss then, letting themselves feel the passion growing between them with each new kiss. It’s frightening, yet Aidan can’t do anything to stop it. It feels so good.

Reluctantly, they separate for some much-needed air, and, foreheads touching, they breathe hard against each other’s mouths.

“I really  _ am _ starving, you know,” Aidan responds after a few seconds.

Brian chuckles softly. “You’re mean; you know I have to let you eat to make you feel better.”

“You so care about my well-being; it’s really cute.” As he says it, Aidan realizes what he has just implied. It wasn’t his intention at all; he really just wanted to tease Brian back, but unfortunately he can’t take the words back.

Brian pulls back, an indecipherable look on his face, and looks at him for endless seconds without saying anything.

Aidan is pretty sure his heart stops beating when he hears Brian’s next words.

“I do.” Brian pauses and smiles. “Come on, then, let’s eat. I don’t play delivery boy for my only pleasure, you know.”

Aidan understands Brian is not comfortable talking about feelings; yet, as he follows him to sit at the kitchen’s counter, he can’t stop a genuine smile from appearing on his face.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, they are both enjoying the last remnants of the almost finished meal they had just shared, while talking about everything and nothing; from politics to history and the cultures of various peoples all over the world. Aidan is insatiable on the subject, being too happy to find someone who seems genuinely interested in what he has to say about his lost years as an itinerant man. He has seen so much, from good and beautiful things to extremely bad and heartbreaking events, and he  _ misses  _ the life that he had been a witness to. Yet, he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but near his family now.

Brian seems captivated by the animated, one-sided conversation Aidan has been leading now for the past several minutes about his former life. Aidan notices Brian looking at him strangely, and realizes he hasn’t let the man say a word for some time now. He stops then.

“Sorry. You will have to gag me if you want me to stop permanently,” he tells Brian sheepishly as he realizes he has been rambling. “I tend to get a little carried away when I talk about my past trips.”

Brian shakes his head. “No problem. You’re a lucky man to have me as a listener, since you don’t bother me too much,” Brian teases, before adding, “Seriously, your stories are enthralling. In fact, you should consider writing a book about it or something…”

“I already did,” Aidan stands up and goes to retrieve a book in his bookcase. He comes back and stands next to Brian, placing the book in his hand. “Here…I wrote this a few years back when I was in Africa. It’s mainly a book filled with photographs taken during my time there, but…it’s yours if you want it.”

Brian looks at the cover and opens it. The book is a collection of specific pictures. There aren’t very many, but their quality and the passion which emanates from them is undeniable. He takes his time looking at each picture, and finally closes the book. He keeps looking at the back cover for a moment, before looking over at Aidan.

“It’s beautiful; thank you,” he states sincerely. “Would you sign it for me? I’m a big fan,” he adds with a smirk.

“Not sure you deserve it,” Aidan teases.

“Are you kidding? I am the most deserving person you know right now. I think I deserve a real reward for putting up with you.”

“Fuck you!” Aidan retorts with a smile.

“By the way, my friends invited us to join them tonight. Are you interested?”

“They invited  _ us _ ?”

“Well, considering I told Mikey that I was with you – and that he’s polite and has good manners – he must have felt it was the right thing to do, you know?  That’s what people do in general.” 

“In general?”

“Well, if it’d been me, I’m not sure  _ I _ would have been so well-mannered,” Brian adds, tongue-in-cheek.

“You’re mean.”

Brian huffs, “I’m the sweetest guy you know.”

“Huh.”

“So?”

“Okay, why not? It’s been a long time since I had a night out.”

“Great. I’ll call Mikey and tell him we’re coming, then. I just have to stop at my place to change first.”

“Okay, give me just five minutes, and we can go.”

“Hurry up, Sleeping Beauty.”

As Brian opens his phone to call his friend, Aidan peers over at him and can’t help but feel a strong feeling of gratitude for whoever has allowed them to meet. He has the distinct impression that this man will be  _ his _ ‘savior extraordinaire’ in more ways than one.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Aidan meet with the guys and more...NC-18...
> 
> I must warn every Brian/Justin shipper that you might not want to read the last half part of this chapter, starting with Brian's POV at Babylon. You can skip this part if you're not confortable with Brian and Aidan together. Obviously, this chapter is NC-18.

**Ted’s POV**

In life, things  _ evolve _ , indubitably. As time goes by, a lot of things stay the same. You always wake up the same way in the morning; you follow the same routine: waking up, showering, eating, brushing your teeth, dressing, going to work, seeing the same people every day, saying the same things, and having the same goals. The list of things that stay the same is certainly longer than the one where things evolve. Still, it’s in the details, in the fragments, that you can see an evolution. People don’t change in appearance. They change inside, slowly, undoubtedly, sometimes for the better and sometimes not so much.

Ted Schmidt knows a thing or two about life and evolution. Having felt so low a couple of years ago, he considers himself a lucky man. You don’t go through what he went through without learning a thing or two about yourself. Those dark days brought him a new insight to his  _ own _ life. More than that, it opened his eyes to the world which surrounds him and, more importantly, allows him to scrutinize the people he loves as his own family.

_ Family _ . It’s a strange word for Ted Schmidt. He loves his mother dearly, and even if he’s not close to his sister, he thinks he loves her, too, but in a different way. Yet, when he thinks of the word ‘family’, those two persons are not necessarily the first to come to his mind.

His real family is the one he chose for himself.

First, there is his partner Blake of course; smart and beautiful, inside and out (even if he knows it sounds so ‘cliché’, it’s true nonetheless). The man has saved him, more than once. It’s ironic when some might consider he is the one who almost caused his death in the first place. But to Ted, he is the one who saved him, despite their first encounter.

Then there is Emmett, his flamboyant, generous, kind, and selfless best friend, the most beautiful queen Pittsburgh has ever seen. He shares so many memories with the man, not always happy ones, he has to admit, but for the most part they are cherished ones that contain important life lessons. He doesn’t know what his life would be like without his forceful presence in it, and he truly doesn’t want to imagine it. Emmett is and always will be by his side, of that he is certain. After all they’ve been through, the porn, the drugs, the failed relationship, even Blake, he is absolutely sure that nothing, and no one, could come between them again, ever.

The Novotnys are also a part of his family. Debbie is a second mother to all gay men on Liberty Avenue, and a unique personality in her own right; Michael, his oldest friend, has already proven time and time again that he will never let anyone down. Ted remembers his never-failing support during what he now calls his ‘dark period;’ and he is so grateful for the support that Michael provided during that time. He is what a man can call a true friend. As for Ben…well, Ben Bruckner is the wise man of this family and a wonderful person.

And finally, there is Brian, indisputably the most complex member of them all. Ted is pretty sure that he is the man who has evolved the most over the years; yet, his charisma has never altered, and he can still play the narcissist asshole to perfection when it comes to people for whom he doesn’t give a damn. Still, he can be a real madman if one happens to be foolish enough to hurt one of the people he  _ loves _ .

Yes. Love. You get it.

Ted is pretty sure now that Brian is one of his friends who  _ feels _ the most, even if he does everything he can to hide it. He feels deeply, like a keen knife cutting your skin. However, there is a strength that radiates from him, too. It’s as if the man could meet and face each and every challenge that life would ever throw in his face. Yes, Brian Kinney is definitively a complex man.

He’s changed a lot over the last years, too. Ted knows why, or, more accurately, who, to thank for that.

Justin Taylor.

This persistent little kid with a sunshine smile and a beautiful face, not to mention really nice assets, has changed the great God Kinney for the better. The man wouldn’t be who he is today, if not for this young man.

Ted misses Justin. He really does. They’ve never been close, not really, but Ted has to admit he considers him a part of his family, too. So, as with every member who isn’t a part of his life anymore, not in his day-to-day life at least, he can’t help the questions that arise whenever he thinks of this amazing young man who so changed his friend’s life.  He wonders what his life has become. Is he happy? Is he healthy? He certainly hopes so.

When Ted hears Michael announce that Brian will join them tonight, but that he will not be alone, he isn’t surprised, not really. He would be lying if he said he isn’t a little curious; okay, he can admit he really loves gossip. Still, he understands that since having met Justin, Brian has let himself  _ feel  _ more and more during the seven years of their relationship. Ted has no doubt whatsoever about the intensity of Brian’s love for the blond, even now. He also has no doubt that after having known what loving and being loved really means, Brian would not fight it as much as before.

Yes, there is definitely a ‘before Justin’ and an ‘after Justin.’ Thanks to this kid, Brian Kinney has changed for the better. Ted can only hope that his friend will finally be happy again with Aidan, even though he has to admit it’s hard to imagine any other man but Justin by Brian’s side. He really thought not so long ago that the two men were meant to be together. He still thinks it’s true in a way; but Justin is not here anymore, and Aidan is obviously a good man, who seems to care about his boss.

So, as the adage goes, it was time to wait and see…

* * *

When Brian arrives with Aidan not far behind him, Ted is watching the man attentively.

There is something there, something that wasn’t there the last time he saw Brian. Ted doesn’t know what happened since this morning when he had met with him for a meeting at Kinnetik, but something definitely has changed. Brian seems almost happy, and doesn’t try to hide it. Everybody here notices his good mood immediately, and the obvious camaraderie the two men share.

As the night goes on, Ted sees the furtive looks between them, and, witnessing their silent conversation, he realizes with certainty that Brian has finally decided to  _ allow _ himself to move on, and more importantly, to lower his walls for the second time in his life.

This is really happening. He was right.

Brian  _ feels _ again.

* * *

Later that night, after having shared the latest gossip and the better borderline jokes, after having laughed and danced with his friends, his family, Ted is standing by the counter at Babylon, watching the activities with a nostalgic eye, reminding himself of what it was like before, and observing what it has become now.

His eyes land on Michael and Ben, always happy, always in love, a model for a lot of gay men, an example of courage and love. The words ‘you will love each other, in sickness and health’ come to his mind while observing them together. Those vows couldn’t be truer regarding these two men.

Next, he observes his partner and his best friend dancing together, all their differences and past resentments long ago forgotten. They are beautiful together, and Ted feels a swell of love bubbling up in his chest just looking at them. There are the two most important people in his world, and he is so grateful for their presence in his life.

Finally, his eyes meet another sight, one of two men dancing together, hands on each other’s hips and shoulders, forehead on forehead, eyes closed, barely moving, just swaying lightly. They are not in the room anymore, drinks and dance making them fly somehow. Aidan and Brian have entered into their own world, with their own words, their own feelings and their own touches, where nobody exists but the two of them.

It’s a mesmerizing sight; painful in a way for all the people who can’t forget that another man should be here. Ted is really a romantic by heart, even if he will never admit it to Brian. Yet, life is once again spraying its magic, and he is glad that his friend is finally ready to give himself another chance at happiness.

It’s time.

It’s life.

And life can always bring a lot of surprises at any time.

Finally, Ted stops his nostalgic musings for the night, and decides to join his partner and his family on the dance floor.

_ Life is short. Each moment has to be cherished. We shouldn’t forget it. _

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

As they make their way into Woody’s, Brian immediately notices his friends scrutinizing his every move, and the stupid grin that Michael can’t seem to stop from appearing on his face. Ted is looking at him strangely, Emmett is beaming and clapping hands, while Blake and Ben have the good sense to stay neutral. With friends like that, he is pretty sure that the gossip is going to spread faster than the latest flu bug.

“Hi, guys, what are you going tonight? Besides slobbering, anyway,” Brian says, bending over the table and snapping a finger in front of Michael’s face, just before plopping down in a vacant chair next to Emmett.

“Hey! Why would you say  _ that _ ?” Michael grins wider, innocently.

_ Asshole. I knew it. You just couldn’t help but rat on me, could you, Mikey? _

Then addressing Aidan, Michael greets him.  “Hi, Aidan, nice to see you again.”

_ Nice, my ass. You’re just too happy to have some leverage over me, Mikey… Be a man and admit it… _

“Hi.” Aidan greets everybody with a nod of his head and a smile, while taking a seat himself. Brian can hear various ‘Hi’s, Hellos, and Heys’ emanating from his friends.

_ Okay, gossip…I get it…Time for an intervention. _

“So? What’s it going to be? Rumors? Direct questions?  _ Inquisition _ ?” Brian cuts the bullshit, a not-so-sincere smile on his face. Aidan chuckles next to him.

Turning to look at Aidan, Brian exclaims, “What? Don’t laugh! You don’t know them like I do. They’re worse than vultures. They will pry and pry, again and again, until they know when you have a shit; I swear!”

“Brian! Don’t be rude, we wouldn’t dare! Who do you think we are? We are first and foremost your friends, and we’re just here to support you. That’s what friends do,” Emmett steps in, a mischievous smile at the corner of his lips.

“Honeycutt, you of all people must know you shouldn’t play with me. You’re gonna lose. Trust me,” Brian declares with an intimidating stare.

Observing the man in front of him, and apparently coming to the conclusion that he won’t be able to question Aidan freely about his relationship with the great God Kinney, Emmett doesn’t want to admit defeat, at least not yet. “Uhh, not even a question or two, please, pretty please?”

Aidan is laughing now, and Brian can’t help but smile himself, looking at him, finally relaxed and enjoying the moment. That is, until he looks up and sees his supposed friends staring at him. Reacting immediately, he takes his most imposing posture then, his facial features suddenly forming a murderous glare, hoping his friends will get the message and leave him alone. Inwardly, he is enjoying this, but he is definitely not going to admit it, least of all show them that he is amused by it.

Fortunately, everybody seems to get the message. Moreover, he is grateful for his accountant when the man cuts short any further possibilities of his friends continuing to invade his personal life.

“Couldn’t we have an evening without Brian being the center of the universe? I’d like to play pool. Anyone?”

Brian wonders then what Ted saw in the conversation that just happened. Yet, he is grateful and as their eyes meet, a silent message passes between them. Brian’s not sure what the message is, even if he can guess the general meaning of his intervention.

He smiles. Or is it a grin? Well, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that finally, Brian can relax, too.

* * *

**_Babylon, two hours later_ **

Brian is high. Or so he feels that way.

Moving on the dance floor, with Aidan’s body beneath his fingers, his brain has shut off.

He feels  _ alive _ . The drinks, the music, the shirtless, sweaty men, everything around him is pushing him toward a state of pure bliss. He hasn’t felt this way in a long time. He has missed it, craved it and at this instant, he is embracing it completely.

He is horny. Fucking horny. Foreplay is a bitch, and the atmosphere of Babylon only serves to arouse him even more. He can feel the other man’s hard-on slowly brushing against his body as they sway to the music; his own cock is nearly twitching in his too tight jeans.

He has wanted this man for so long. He is not even sure how he resisted until now. Maybe he really is a good man after all who doesn’t think just with his dick. Who would have thought?

The dance is a torture, a blissful and beautiful torture. He doesn’t want it to end. Still, at the same time, he can’t stand it anymore.

“I want you.”

It’s just a whisper, but it’s enough to make Aidan open his eyes as he pulls back to lose himself in hazel ones. Then, Aidan’s lips come closer and finally claim Brian’s with an intensity that makes the brunet shiver. Their tongues are dancing, just like their bodies were doing a moment ago. However, they stand still now, lost in each other, their occasional moans swallowed by the music playing in the air. Beautiful men surround them, hoping to be like them, feeling lust and envy in light of the intimate show now playing before their eyes, understanding that for these two, time has stopped, and people have just faded away.

Finally, Brian pulls back, knowing he has to have this man tonight, but not like that.

“Not here.”

Aidan kisses him one last time, grazing his neck, giving him all the power over events to come. Brian smiles and leads him through the crowd toward the exit.

_ Finally. _

* * *

**_Fifteen minutes later, the loft_ **

A door is shut violently. They are frantically kissing against it, forgetting the world, forgetting everything else but  _ this. _

Brian thinks he might explode. Just the friction of too many clothes between them is bringing a delightful feeling in his cock. He can feel himself leaking already, and is beginning to fear that he might come just like this.

He pulls back, needing to slow down if he doesn’t want it to end before it even begins.

Turns out it is a bad idea, or a really great one, depending upon your perspective. Aidan doesn’t wait for him as he hastily opens the buttons of his jeans, slowly stroking Brian’s cock in his hand as soon as his underwear can be pushed aside. Their gazes don’t leave one another as Brian lets out a long moan then, watching Aidan drop to his knees to free his dick. Aidan looks at it for a few seconds before locking his gaze with Brian’s, who is staring at the other man with a lustful expression on his face. The sight of Aidan about to engulf him fully in his mouth becomes too much for him to watch as he closes his eyes and just relishes in the feeling of the delicious lips lightly sucking his already throbbing cock.

_ God, yes... _

Aidan takes his time, alternating with little slaps of his tongue and faster ones, licking his entire shaft and his balls, and stroking his cock with his hand. He doesn’t stop when he visibly feels a scar there, and Brian is grateful for that. He should have known that Aidan would notice. Still, right now, the thought is just a fleeting one, Aidan bringing him back immediately to the pleasure washing over him.

He is going to come soon, it’s inevitable. The pleasure is too strong, Aidan having decided to swallow him whole now, moaning against his shaft and doing things with his mouth which feels too good.

_ Yeah...Like that...Do it again...God, yes... _

Brian lowers his gaze and watches the beautiful man making love to his cock in front of him. There are no other words for it.

He notices that Aidan is moaning louder and louder now, and he suddenly understands. While sucking his cock, Aidan has opened his own jeans, and is now stroking himself. The vision is such a turn on that Brian feels a tingling in his balls just as Aidan swallows him again, humming.

“Aidan,” Brian warns him, just as the first spurts of come surges from his cock into the willing mouth. He cries out then, feeling himself exploding. In the back of his mind, he hears Aidan moaning louder, too, understanding that his friend is climaxing along with him.

Feeling his legs give in, he lets himself fall to the floor in front of Aidan and claims the other man’s lips immediately, feeling the last remains of his come on the soft tongue.

Brian finally recovers his voice to speak.  “You really  _ are _ a stud. Only a stud can suck a cock like you just did,” he teases, smiling widely between kisses.

“Hmm...” Aidan is grinning, seemingly enjoying the praise.

“Why don’t we move this show into the bedroom?”

“I thought you’d never ask...”

* * *

Taking the edge off was definitively the right thing to do. As the two men begin to undress each other, they take their time to discover each other’s body. Aidan is so fucking beautiful, with his lean and toned body, his tanned skin, and his beautiful ass. It would have been a waste not to enjoy it to its fullest after having waiting so long in the first place.

Brian wants this man so much, his cock is already hard again.

“Roll over,” he instructs Aidan, who looks at him with a question in his eyes. “Trust me. I won’t hurt you.” Aidan stares at him for a few more seconds longer before complying, laying his head on his arms and spreading his legs in silent invitation.

_ God, he’s really beautiful. _

Brian feels honored that the man trusts him enough to offer himself like this without any protest. He swears he will show him that his trust is warranted, and that the pleasure he is going to feel will definitively be worth his gift.

Slow kisses everywhere, hands touching and caressing his back, his neck, his thighs, his ass, Brian takes his time, letting the man he feels beneath his fingers and his mouth understand that he can relax and enjoy, that Brian is focused on giving him pleasure and making him  _ want _ it. He doesn’t know if Aidan is exclusively a top or not. He is a stud, but even studs can appreciate being possessed by another man from time to time. He even knows proclaimed tops that, once settled in a relationship, admitted they were fucked more often than what people thought. All was a matter of trust and sharing, according to them.

Still, Brian knows he himself is a top through and through, even if he enjoys bottoming from time to time. Yet, he’s not sure he could do it on a daily basis, and considering he likes to fuck every day, it’s a question that he has to envisage. Wait, is he thinking about a more permanent relationship with Aidan  _ now _ ? While he is about to fuck? Really?

Deciding that he will think about it another time, and wanting to concentrate on Aidan’s pleasure, Brian turns off his brain. He then proceeds to lick, suck and touch every part of the man more thoroughly. After a few minutes, he leads his tongue lower and lower and makes his way to Aidan’s ass, with a clear goal in mind.

Aidan’s breathing is slowly accelerating, deep breaths turning to soft moans now. As Brian uses his right hand to separate his cheeks and begins to slide his tongue in between the crack of his ass, Aidan tenses slightly. Brian pauses, and caresses his lower back, then starts to lick again, touching his hole and lightly licking it very slowly, all the while keeping his touch on his skin.

_ Finally _ , Brian can’t help but think. He has wanted this moment for so long. He loses himself in what he is doing, feeling Aidan relaxing more and more beneath his tongue, feeling himself rock hard while hearing Aidan’s louder moans while he begins to press against Brian’s mouth. The passion, lust and pleasure build up until, at last, Brian hears what he has been seeking since he began his ministrations.

“Brian, please...please...fuck me...”

Brian pushes his tongue in and groans, “Fuck! Yes...”

They are lost then, both of them. Brian can’t stop, it feels so good, having this man literally shivering with his touch and begging him to take him, to claim him. Soon, he reaches randomly toward the bedside table to retrieve some lube and a condom and opens the lubricant, applying some on his fingers. He rubs them together before slowly entering Aidan’s hole with his forefinger. He feels the man responding immediately, too far gone to not want it now; he adds pretty quickly a second and a third finger, wanting to prepare him as best he can for what’s to come.

“Brian...Now...I...”

Brian’s cock twitches, just hearing his lover begging him like that. He’s not even sure Aidan is aware of what he is saying now. One thing he knows for sure is that he can’t wait anymore, he has to be inside him. NOW.

Putting the condom on his leaking dick, and applying some lube on his covered shaft, he removes his fingers from Aidan’s hole and puts his other hand on his shoulder.

“Turn around. I want to see you when I enter you.”

The other man almost moans. “God, Brian, you really want me to come even before we begin.” Aidan turns around and smiles.

Pausing to look at him, Brian feels something swelling in his chest, gazing into the other man’s piercing eyes, something powerful. As he lines up his cock with the man’s hole, his gaze doesn’t leave the man’s face for a second.

“Here, now...”

At last, he begins to push slowly into the man’s tight channel, watching for any signs of discomfort from the other man. Aidan slightly winces, making Brian pause. He can feel his cock seemingly pulsing already, and he is grateful for the little time he has to gain control over his own body again. The channel is enveloping his dick in the most delightful way, and he hasn’t felt so out of control in a long time. In the meantime, Brian’s lips find Aidan’s neck, and his tongue begins to lick the irresistible flesh, making Aidan moan more and more.

Consequently, Aidan relaxes and squeezes him in silent invitation for him to push further. Brian resumes his progression, and soon he is inside him, his balls against Aidan’s ass. It feels so good. He captures Aidan’s lips and kisses him thoroughly, moving his hips imperceptibly.

Aidan can’t take it. He breaks the kiss, breathing hard and whispers, “Now...Do it, fuck me...”

Brian slowly pushes in and out, feeling every thrust sending pleasure throughout both their bodies. Soon enough, they are both covered in sweat, and Aidan is begging him to fuck him harder, deeper.

Brian obliges, and watches in fascination as Aidan’s face becomes a mask of pure pleasure, beautiful moans and grunts spilling from his mouth, just as he changes his angle one more time, the sudden new rush of pleasure with this position forcing him to close his eyes.

_ Yes, ahhhhh....so good...want it to last...but I can’t...I can’t... _

He is pounding Aidan’s ass now, going in and out, in and out, over and over again, feeling the tight channel contracting around him at each thrust, signalling an impending orgasm.

_ This is too much, too good, too... _ Brian can’t think anymore, just  _ feel _ . He is just there, about to fall over the edge, without being able to do anything to stop it. Truthfully, he doesn’t want to.

“Now! Aidan...” Brian’s voice is almost desperate, but he doesn’t care.

Aidan grips Brian’s hand in his, and guides him to his cock, their two hands joined to stroke it together and their lips meeting in a hungry kiss, their smothered moans reverberating in each other’s mouths.

Suddenly, Aidan turns his head slightly, groaning, and Brian can feel the other man’s cock pulsing in his hand.

A second later, he feels warm come spilling from it, and he hears Aidan’s shout filling the air. This, combined with Aidan’s blissful face and his tight channel milking his cock with the force of his orgasm, pushes Brian past the point of no return. He freezes, deep into his lover’s ass, and comes so hard he literally sees stars.

He collapses, passes out, whatever. In the following moments, all that can be heard in the loft are deep breaths, like when two people just finish a marathon and need to fill their lungs with some much-needed air.

They don’t move for a long time. Resting from their high in each other’s arms, reality finally sets in. They’ve just had sex for the first time, and will soon have to face the aftermath.

Brian doesn’t want to think too much now. He is savoring the moment, the silence, the peaceful retreat you only go to just after having great sex. Seconds turn to minutes, with neither man showing any intention to move soon.

Finally, Aidan must begin to feel crushed under Brian’s body, because he stirs a little. Brian moves, careful to remove the condom from his softened dick and tying it off before placing it in a waste can nearby; then he rolls over, lying onto his back next to Aidan, facing the ceiling.

“It wasn’t bad...”

This sentence wouldn’t surprise anyone, if not for the fact that it’s not Brian who has just said it.

Brian feels himself smiling, “Um...yeah, you’re right...not bad...”

Turning his head to look at Aidan, he watches him laughing, a real laugh, the kind he hasn’t heard so often in his friend’s voice.

That’s when he knows. For the first time in a long time, he really feels it, at this instant.

He is truly  _ happy _ .

The thought makes him pause. Then, an overwhelming pang makes his way to his chest as a sudden feeling of guilt appears at the back of his mind.

_ Justin. _

He allows himself to feel once again the pain of his loss for a few seconds. He still wishes somehow that the man next to him wasn’t the one who was here.

Nevertheless, as his eyes lock with green ones, he is grateful that he’s not alone anymore.

And, yes, he is happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left before the end of the first part of this story :)  
> 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Aidan have a talk..

 

**Aidan’s POV**

Aidan must have dozed off for a while, because he wakes up in the large bed overlooking the loft’s living area, alone.

His eyes open as he lies there on his back, his mind is still fighting to properly function as he allows his thoughts to travel back to the events that took place earlier in the evening.

Sharing a drink with Brian’s friends had been kind of weird. He had felt them scrutinizing their every move, apparently asking themselves who he really was to Brian. A friend? A fuck buddy?

He had also felt something else. What it was, he wasn’t sure, but he was pretty convinced that it had something to do with Brian’s ex. He was their friend after all, and as it were, Aidan was replacing him, as if it wasn’t his place to take. Or so he had felt that way.

Brian had stayed by his side all night, laughing with him, dancing with him, and more. Aidan can’t believe that they had finally had sex together, and how good it had felt. He rarely had felt such a connection with his sex partner before. In fact, it was maybe only the second time it had happened in his lifetime, the first one being with his first partner when he had been a young and clueless man. He had stayed with this older man for about two years at the time, but it wasn’t meant to be. As soon as he had understood that the life they shared wasn’t what he wanted, he had taken off without looking back. He was twenty-one when he had left, and he had never regretted his decision since then, not even once.

Now, he knows it’s different, though. His feelings for Brian frighten him. To top it off, the other man is definitely not ready to hear about them. Yet, he hopes he will be able to restrain from showing him how deeply he has fallen already. He is not sure he could support a reality check right now. Still, at the same time, he needs to know where he stands; it would be easier to stop this right now, rather than later. They could still be friends. Or they could be fuck buddies. Or...

“Would you stop thinking so loudly? I can hear you from the kitchen.”

Brian appears in front of him, shirtless, with his jeans on, having obviously taken a shower not so long ago. He is cutting an apple with a sharp knife, and is eating each piece without bothering to peel the skin.

Aidan doesn’t deny his assumption. “Am I so obvious to you?” The thought scares him a little.

“Well, you’re over there, doing nothing but staring into emptiness, not really lying there, but not quite sitting, either.  So yes, it’s pretty obvious you are doing some pretty heavy-duty thinking to me.” Brian comes closer and plops down onto the bed, making both of them rock in the process.  After a few moments, he flops onto his back to lie beside Aidan, looking up at the ceiling.

“So, spill it.”

“What?”

“You obviously have something on your mind, so you might as well talk about it. And I appear to be the only listener available at the moment; so, do the math...It’s easy.”

“You’re bold.”

“And you’re wasting time; you might as well just start talking.”

“Uhh...”

The silence stretches out for a few seconds, before...

“I...”

“You…?”

_ Okay, I can do this… _

“What is going to happen now? I mean, what  _ am _ I to you? A friend? A fuck buddy? I...I’m kind of confused now about...about  _ us...” _

“Us...”

“Yeah...”

Brian’s stare is indecipherable. He doesn’t look at him, just keeps staring at the ceiling. Aidan isn’t even sure he is going to obtain an answer to his question. Maybe he should have kept his mouth shut.

“You  _ really _ want to know?” The voice startles Aidan, since he was thinking Brian wouldn’t give him an answer. “Because I must warn you, it’s probably  _ not _ what you want to hear; not entirely, anyway.”

Brian’s voice holds a sincerity that Aidan has never heard before.

Aidan looks intently at Brian, and reaches over with his right hand to squeeze the other man’s left, a silent gesture for him to keep going. He watches as Brian clears his throat noisily without acknowledging him with his eyes. Still, he feels a light response as Brian squeezes his hand back.

“I don’t really know who you are to me,” Brian admits at last. “I mean, I always loathe the worthless labels everybody seems to use all the time to qualify their relationships. Fuck buddy, lovers, partners, even husbands or fucking sexual slaves for all I care, it doesn’t really make sense to me. So, I would have difficulty answering your question, even without all the other things I think you  _ should  _ know.”

He rubs his hand over his face, rising up into a sitting position, but without turning toward Aidan, as if to protect himself in a way. He takes a deep breath and starts, “I’m not an easy man. In fact, I was a fucking asshole to all the people who care about me for a lot of years. Always playing the narcissistic bastard card; because, in a way, it was easier, you know? That way, people weren’t expecting anything from me. Some were even stupid enough to find it attractive,” Brian huffs. “Christ!”

He rolls off the bed and stands up before declaring, “I really  _ was _ a fucking bastard.” He paces a little and finally stops. Aidan notices that his look is softening, as Brian is seemingly remembering something. “And then, it all changed... Fate has a way to really surprise you when you least expect it.”

He pauses and sighs.

“When I was twenty-nine, I had a son, and I met a man. Not a man... a boy, a fucking teenager, actually.”

Aidan listens carefully, hoping that what he was about to hear would help him understand this man better. 

“Gus, my son... I really was a fool, you know? When Lindsay asked me to be the father, I was young and smug and...I didn’t think. I really didn’t imagine for one second that I would ever be a good father. I thought I was giving this child the most wonderful gift by giving him an absent father, a sperm donor.” Brian laughs bitterly, “I truly thought that, can you imagine? I really was fucked up at the time.”

Aidan doesn’t say a word.

“And then, the first time I held him in my arms, I  _ felt _ it _. _ What people babble about all day, what movies and books and fucking music and songs try to sell you all the time...”

Aidan looks at him, waiting for his next words.

“It was  _ love _ , not the one that develops over time or even with friendship, but the kind you can’t control; I was looking at him, looking at my son, and it was there, spreading in my mind like a fucking disease that was going to infect my body.” Brian’s gaze is seemingly lost in his memory. “I definitely wasn’t ready for it, though; and I tried to fight it, I really did. I even wanted to give up my parental rights right away, but Justin stopped me.”

That makes Aidan react.  “Justin?”

“Yeah…Justin.”

Brian turns around to look at him before speaking again.

“He’s the  _ real _ reason why you’re here today...”

Brian’s eyes hold Aidan’s gaze for a few moments, letting the words and – more importantly – their true meaning sink in.

“I met Justin the same night Gus was born, believe it or not. He was a seventeen-year-old virgin at the time, a scared shitless little boy who wanted to have his cherry popped by the guy of his dreams. Turns out, he met  _ me _ ...”

“He showed up at Liberty Avenue that night, and I took him home and thoroughly fucked him. It was a night to remember. But to me that was it, a really good fuck, and a first time for him that he would never forget; and then it was supposed to be ‘ _ bye, bye, little boy, go back to your toys, and I will go back to mine...” _

Aidan notices a genuine smile forming on Brian’s lips.

“Well, I should have known he wouldn’t have let me go so easily...Long story made short, he claimed he was in love with me and became my stalker. At first, I tried to resist, but he was pretty irresistible when he wanted to be. Finally, I gave up, and he became…the guy I fucked more than once.”

Brian starts pacing again, before stopping a few feet away and turning back to face Aidan. “It was a rocky relationship. He struggled for years to get me to lower my walls, and to make me acknowledge our relationship as something, anything more than what I gave him.” He draws a shuddery breath before adding, “It took a bat to his head and a bomb to finally force me to open up to him completely.”

Aidan eyes grow wide. “A bat? A bomb?”

“Yeah, we live in a beautiful world, don’t we?” Brian states sarcastically. “Justin was bashed at his prom; I was there when it happened, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. He almost died that night. And, as if that wasn’t enough, three years later there was a bomb at Babylon during a charity event against Proposition Fourteen; Mikey was almost killed, too.”

“Fuck.”

_ Crazy people are everywhere... _

“Yeah, fuck, as you say...”

For a few seconds, a deafening silence rings in the air, providing an even deeper intensity to their shared conversation.

Finally, Brian sighs and sits on the bed next to Aidan; joining his hands on his knees with his feet on the floor; he stares straight ahead as he states, “I can’t even believe I’m saying all of this to you...It’s not...I’m not the ‘talk about your feelings shit’ kind of person usually; but I...I think I owe you that, if nothing else...”

He glances at Aidan before resuming his position with his stare looking into emptiness. “The point of my little speech here is... Justin...He made me the man I am today. He helped me grow up, and more importantly, with him by my side, I finally understood what it was to love and to be loved in return... I finally understood that I really _wanted_ it, too...and when I _had_ _to_ let him go, to pursue his art in Europe, it was the hardest decision of my fucking life. I’m not even sure to this day I wasn’t wrong about it...”

_ Ouch _ . It hurts. But it is not a surprise.

There is one thing Aidan doesn’t understand. “Can I ask you a question?”

Hazel eyes look furtively towards him, and Brian shrugs. “Go ahead.”

“Have you contacted him since he left?”

“No.”

Aidan frowns.  “Why? You could have…I don’t know; maybe tried to stay with him, to make it work?”

Brian snorts. “Right...And make him feel bad about it, with him being so far away? He would have come back to me because of a fucking sense of self-sacrifice or something equally stupid; and, he is so young.  How could I do that to him? He needed to experience life on his own, without me.”

“Are you sure? I mean, if you love him and he loves you, how can being apart be a good thing?”

Brian shakes his head, seemingly fighting with that idea. “What’s done is done. There is no need to dwell on it, not now, not after...”

Aidan understands that the subject is off limits. One thing he’s convinced of, however, is that Brian must have thought he had to let Justin go because he loved him so much. 

Nevertheless, he can’t understand how he  _ could  _ let him go, unless...

“Can I ask you one last question?”

Brian raises his eyebrows and gestures impatiently with his hand, visibly not really wanting to hear his next question, but agreeing nevertheless.

“Would you have let him go if you hadn’t believed, or as least truly hoped deep inside you, that you would find your way back to each other one day? Would it have been possible for you to cut all ties if you were absolutely sure you would not have seen him  _ ever _ again?”

Brian doesn’t respond.

The silence is all the answer Aidan needs.

Brian leaves the bedroom then, heading toward the living room, needing some space. Aidan suspects he needs some time to gather his thoughts as well as control his emotions.

Well, he isn’t the only one.

_ Fuck. _

Ten minutes later, Aidan stands up, puts his jeans on, and walks over to the other man’s silhouette. Brian is standing by the window, perfectly still, in the darkness of the loft. Aidan isn’t sure he hears his approach until he starts to speak again, his voice soft and quiet.

“I still love him, Aidan.  I always will...”

Aidan suspects it’s hard, nearly impossible for Brian to share such a deeply personal part of his life with anyone. So in a way, the fact that Brian has decided to do it in his presence, while he might not even voice such thoughts aloud with his own friends, makes him feel both privileged and honored.

“So if you can’t deal with it, maybe it would be easier to just stay friends.”

Aidan squeezes Brian’s arm, making the man turn to look at him. He has never seen him with such a vulnerable look on his face. Brian finally looks up, and lets the other man  _ see _ him – before he resumes his speech.

“I mean, I can’t promise you anything. I will never be monogamous.  I’m definitely not the easiest man to deal with, and you now know that I’m...in love with another man...And I...I always _ will _ be.  That would make any sane person run away really fast...” His eyes soften as he continues, “That being said, I  _ do care _ about you, and I promised you I would be there for you. So now, it’s your call...You have to decide...”

Looking at him, and hearing the shiver in his voice, Aidan knows he  _ should _ run away. Any normal man would, after hearing such heartfelt words. But they wouldn’t see the plea there, the silent request of a lost man. Brian’s eyes hold so many emotions right now, and Aidan seems paralyzed by their intensity.

It won’t be easy; he is sure of it. It’s definitely not a good idea, either, considering he has enough problems in his life without risking a broken heart in the process. The man he’s in love with is in love with another man, and Aidan can’t even blame him. After what he’s heard tonight, he understands all too well that if not for Justin, he wouldn’t even be here. He even feels like it’s not his  _ place _ to be here. Not permanently, anyway; like he already knows it won’t last. It’s just a feeling, but it’s there nonetheless.

So, yes, he should run away. Fast. Far away. Right now.

But he can’t.

So he stays and kisses the other man with all his heart, giving him an unspoken answer to his previous question.

* * *

**_Four months later, November 2008_ **

**Brian’s POV**

Adjusting his leather coat, Brian strides across the street, heading toward the corner diner’s door. The last days of November are fast approaching, and he is glad for the two days’ break he’s planned in order to join his son and his friends for Thanksgiving next weekend. The air is frosty, announcing the beginning of an early winter, and his scarf and gloves don’t quite succeed in preventing the cold from entering his shivering body.

Pushing the door open to the familiar place that has partly defined his life, he can immediately feel himself warm up as he observes his son laughing in a nearby booth with his mother and sister; Brian’s best friend, Michael, sitting with them.

“Hey, Sonny Boy. Guys,” Brian greets them.

“Daddy!”

Brian smiles and takes his place next to his son, just as he hears a loud voice coming towards him.

Michael whispers in a ‘top secret’ kind of way, “Careful. Ma is in rare form at the moment.”

Brian huffs as he smiles mischievously. “Isn’t she always? In  _ form, _ I mean?”

“Brian!” Michael and Lindsay reprimand him at the same time.

“Hey! What did you just say?” Debbie is standing next to him, looking kind of imposing.

_ Imposing. That’s a good word for her. _

“I said you were looking marvellous, Debbie, as always,” Brian replies tongue in cheek with a goofy smile on his face.

“Don’t play with me, Mister.” She points her finger at him. “You know you will lose at this game. I’m the Master at this…” she states a little more loudly as she gazes at all the people around her, “…especially with having to deal with YOU all day.” Then her face softens as she looks over at the kids. “Except for those two, of course. Aren’t you just adorable?”

“Debbie, would it be possible to have some service here? Some of us actually have other things to do than chat all day.” 

“Doing  _ what _ ? Masturbating other people’s minds with bullshit? Or maybe it’s not their mind you’re...” She refrains to finish her thought, finally remembering that there are children sitting there.

Brian laughs as Michael and Lindsay both cover their children’s ears.

Debbie bends down to whisper in his ear. “Asshole.” But the word is delivered with a fondness only Debbie can convey while using that kind of word.

“So…turkey sandwich on whole bread, no mayo? Would there be anything else?”

“That will be enough, thanks.”

Then addressing Michael and Lindsay, she adds, “Anything else?”

“No, we’re good,” Lindsay responds with a smile.

As Debbie walks away, Brian finally sees the stare Lindsay gives him from the other side of the booth, looking at him as he sits beside Gus. That makes him smile even more.

“What? It’s not my fault she can’t help himself!”

“As if you don’t enjoy it,” Michael answers him knowingly from across the booth.

“Uhh...” Brian seems to think about it for a minute, still playing the act, as he feigns to reach a horrible conclusion. “Do you think I should schedule a consultation? It must be serious for me to develop a kink out of it.” Michael throws a fry at him as he joins in Brian’s laughter.

For the next hour or so, the three friends talk together about everything and nothing. It’s an ordinary day at the diner, and an ordinary scene for all the customers.

Brian enjoys this and allows himself to think about his life. The last four months have been good. The girls and the children have finally moved back, and everyone is thrilled to have them in their everyday life again. Brian sees his son every three days or so, even occasionally picking him up from school to drive him back to the Munchers’ place, or playing babysitter when they need one. He is definitely a more permanent presence in his life now, and couldn’t be happier about it. Who would have known, looking back a few years earlier, that he could be a good father, or at least a not-too-bad one, anyway? He is still surprised himself about that fact, but in a good way.

Kinnetik is doing well, great even. He still works like a madman to ensure that the company prospers carefully, catching some big, really influential fishes in the process, so to speak. His purpose is clear: not to grow too fast, but setting reachable goals. Four years after its creation, Brian is proud to say that Kinnetik is a fucking success, the best achievement he could have dreamt of in terms of his professional career.

As for his personal life, it’s doing well, too. He and Aidan have reached an understanding. They see each other several times a week, but not necessarily every day. Brian still fucks other men, still sees his friends without always inviting his lover to come along, still struggles sometimes when things are a little too ‘emotional’ for his taste. But all in all, it’s good to have someone by his side again.

His feelings for Aidan are real. The man brings him a kind of quiet peace. When he is with him, he can be himself and he truly enjoys their time together. He feels alive, and he likes every moment.

However, all is not easy. Olivia’s health is deteriorating fast, and even with a home nurse who comes several hours every day, it’s taking a toll on every member of the Cole-Miller family. Brian tries to be there as often as he can, providing moral support if nothing else, wishing that he could do something more. Aidan maintains that Brian is doing more than enough to support him; yet, it’s hard to watch the man fighting to stay afloat while witnessing his sister’s deterioration.

Last week, he had met with Olivia’s children. He had agreed to drive Aidan to Olivia’s home, but, when they had arrived Olivia was screaming, a  _ really  _ anguished scream, filled with despair and fear; something close to  _ hysteria _ . Taking action – Aidan was alone with Noah and Claire, Samuel being still at work – he had told the kids to come with him, and they had taken a drive, allowing Aidan to deal with the situation. Brian had wanted to stay, but one look at his friend had told him exactly what he needed for him to do.

It had been weird being around Claire and Noah, knowing that he was a virtual stranger to them. Brian wasn’t good at dealing with this kind of situation. He could be considered a lot of things, but he didn’t know how to deal with two children who were witnessing their mother losing it completely. What can you say in a situation like that?  _ ‘Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay?’  _ Or,  _ ‘you’d better be prepared, it’s never going to be okay again?’ _ What?  _ ‘I’m sorry?’ _ Bullshit.  _ ‘I understand what you’re going through?’  _ Bullshit again.

Brian was at a loss, so he did the only thing he could think of.

He took Noah and Claire to see his ‘ _ mother.’ _ His ‘real’ mother. At least the one that really counted, anyway.

When Debbie saw them standing awkwardly in her doorway, she had the good sense to not say anything. Maybe what she saw, looking at Brian with those two kids, was enough. He didn’t know how Debbie could be so perceptive, but she was. As Brian introduced them to her as Aidan’s niece and nephew, she immediately understood, thankfully.

She worked her magic then, succeeding in making them crack a smile not ten minutes after they had arrived. How could she do that? Brian had never really understood how she could make anyone smile when she set out on such a mission, but it worked every time. He was so fucking grateful for this woman and her son.

Later, when he had rejoined Aidan, Olivia was nowhere to be seen, seemingly asleep, and Samuel was finally home. Claire and Noah had hugged him before going back to the house, surprising him to no end. Aidan had looked back at their house one last time, a sober look on his face, before following him to the ‘Vette. They had stayed silent for an hour, both knowing no words could fix the situation, but Brian knew that Aidan was grateful for the silent support. Later, he had shown him exactly  _ how _ much.

So, it isn’t easy. Brian isn’t perfect, and he will fuck up again at some point. Yet, their ‘relationship,’ whatever it is, works.

Brian hasn’t forgotten Justin. He thinks of him every day, wondering what he is doing, if he is okay, with whom he is spending his time. Most of all, he can’t help but ask himself: was it worth it? Because even if he is grateful for Aidan’s presence in his life, and even if he really cares about him in ways that he never thought he ever could again, Aidan is not Justin and he still misses him, every single day.

Yet, life has a strange way of playing people sometimes, because if Justin hadn’t left, he would not have experienced what he is sharing with Aidan. So, perhaps it was meant to be. Maybe he needed to be here for Aidan, to help him and support him with his sister. Who knew? The irony of it all was not lost on Brian.

“Daddy?”

Brian realizes that he has let his thoughts wander away from the diner, his friends, and his son sitting next to him. Michael and Lindsay were talking about Jenny Rebecca a minute ago, and he had lost himself in his own mind in the meantime.

“Yes, Sonny Boy?”

“Are you going to Paris?”

_ What? _

“What?”

Looking up, Brian notices immediately the guilty look on Michael and Lindsay’s faces.

_ What is he talking about? _

The silent question is hanging in the air, both his friends understanding it without actually needing to hear it. Lindsay is the first to visibly react, searching in her purse for something to show to Brian.

“Here.” She takes out what seems to be an invitation of some sort. Or maybe...

Brian recognizes the drawing immediately. Not necessarily the drawing per se, but he knows without a shadow of a doubt who created it.

“It’s an invitation. For his first show, in Paris, next February...”

Brian can’t seem to find his voice. He stares at her like she has just grown two heads, or at least it feels that way, if the look on her face is any indication.

“I...I thought you would want to have it...He sent it to me...for you.”

The mere idea of Justin sending him an invitation for his first big break in Europe makes Brian feel like he is going to suffocate soon. His heart rate speeds up. He feels like his entire body is shaking as his left hand reaches out to take the invitation.

Looking at the paper in his hands, there is only one word that comes to his mind, a word which reflects his astonishment over this turn of events.

_ Fuck. _

Yes, if his physical and emotional reactions are any indication, Brian Kinney is definitively and irrevocably still in love with Justin Taylor. So, what the fuck is he going to do?

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian struggles with his decision to go in Paris, and finally...

**_One week later_ **

**Michael’s POV**

At night, the lamps of the street are projecting their rays of light through the windows of the tiny comic shop; as Michael comes out of his sanctuary located at the back of the store, he hears the bell ring. Looking up, he notices his smartly-attired best friend enter with a sure step, before he turns the sign hanging in the window over to the ‘closed’ side and locks the door.

_ That’s a surprise. _

“What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you, too, Mikey; do I need a reason to visit my buddy?” Looking to his right, Brian walks over to the counter and plops himself down on top of it, picking up a comic lying nearby and casually flipping through it.

“Oookay, if you say so...” Michael comes closer and clamps his hand down over the comic Brian is feigning to read, capturing his attention, before asking, “So, what’s up?” Pulling back a little, he adds, “I haven’t seen you since last week at the diner.” Both men understand the implied meaning of that sentence, even if neither of them acknowledge it out loud.

“Nothing, I just figured you might want to have a night out with your eternal lost love. I knew it would be an offer you wouldn’t be able to refuse,” Brian quips, tongue in cheek.

“Right.” Michael smiles.  “Don’t you have other plans?” He asks knowingly.

“Nope.” Brian remains sitting on the counter, still pretending to be immersed in what he is doing.

Michael stares at him, and Brian must feel it, because he finally closes the comic in his hands and slides back down onto the floor. As Michael observes his friend, he finally understands that something is off.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why would you think that?”

Michael raises his eyebrows at his friend. Brian sighs.

“So?”

Brian shrugs.

“Where is Aidan?”

Brian doesn’t look at him. “Don’t know. I haven’t seen him in a week.”

“Oookay.”  _ So, that’s why Brian is here. _ “And may I dare to ask why?”

Brian shrugs again. “No special reason.”

Michael frowns, “Brian…”

His friend stares at him for several seconds before giving up. “Okay, I... I needed some air; is that so bad?”

“No, it’s not. And of course it has nothing to do with Justin’s show, right?”

Brian looks at him pointedly then, not agreeing to or denying anything. Finally, he takes a deep breath and turns around, while putting his elbows on the counter and his hands on his face.

“Hey...” Michael comes closer and positions himself next to Brian. “You want to talk about it?”

Brian straightens up and looks at him, a disgusted look on his face. “Since when do you know me as someone who ‘wants to talk,’ huh? I don’t  _ want _ to talk.” Then, he starts pacing a few steps.

“Obviously.” Michael watches his friend retreating, but doesn’t move.

Finally Brian stops and sighs. “Fuck, why is all of this so damn annoying?”

Michael frowns. “What?”

Brian gestures with his hands. “I don’t know; everything...”

Michael can feel a half-smile forming at the corner of his lips. “You mean that your life is not a nice, long, quiet walk in the park?”

Brian snorts. “Can’t you think of a more boring metaphor? I don’t  _ DO _ walks in the park...”

Michael huffs, “That’s for sure.”

Brian shakes his head as he confesses, “I don’t know what to do.”

Michael understands immediately that his friend is not talking about metaphors anymore. He opens his mouth. “You...” Then he pauses, not knowing exactly what to say.

Then, Brian gazes up at him, an open look on his face before he asks a question which surprises Michael to no end. “Have you heard from him?”

“I...” Michael stares at his friend. Brian is clearly distraught right now, and he has come to him to help him understand his own thoughts. Of course, Michael can’t answer for his friend, but he can try to help him as best he can. He has to tell him the truth. “Yes... I have.”

“Is he happy?”

“Brian,” Michael warns.

“Michael, I need to know.”  _ I need to know that it was worth it _ . The unspoken words hang in the air, but both hear them anyway.

“He is...okay.”

“What do you mean…he’s okay?” To Brian, that could mean anything, and it was way too vague. 

“I heard his first show is a big deal, and that he never could have accomplished what he has so far by staying here in the States. His work is gaining recognition all over Europe, much faster than he could have back home. It seems his show is an amazing feat for someone so young, and he seems ecstatic about being able to put it together in Paris, no less.”

“Good. That’s good.” Brian is nodding in a way that would make an observer think that he is trying to convince himself of that more than anything. But Michael knows better.

What he can’t make himself tell Brian right now, however, is that it’s still fucking painful for Justin to be so far away. He misses his family, misses his friends, but most of all, he misses Brian. Michael knows he is trying to move on, too, but it must be fucking difficult for him, being in a foreign country with no friends except for the ones he’s gained during the past year. Nevertheless, Justin has made him promise not to say a word to Brian about that. So Michael keeps his mouth shut, knowing it won’t do any good anyway.

“Are you going? To Paris?”

“I don’t know,” Brian’s gaze seems lost, but it appears to find a new focus as he looks up and instructs his friend, “But even if I decide to go, you have to promise me  _ you _ will not say anything to Justin, you hear? I don’t want him to know… _ ever. _ ” Michael realizes that his friend is not stupid; Brian knows he and Justin are still in contact, and he also must know that Michael isn’t getting his information second-hand. 

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“But...”

“No, Michael, I can’t...Promise me...”

Michael had never been able to resist Brian’s eyes when he looks back at him this way, open and too vulnerable to hide his feelings; so he can’t do anything but nod. “Okay.”

However, there is still one question that Michael feels the need to address. “What about Aidan?”

“What about him?”

“Are you going to tell him? If you decide to go?”

Brian doesn’t answer, not really. “He has nothing to do with this. Besides, he has enough shit to deal with right now, without adding this to the mix.”

“Uhh...”

“What?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead, as if I could ever stop a Novotny from digging into my head.”

Michael hesitates slightly before asking, “Aidan. Do you...?”

Brian looks at him then, and Michael is sure that his friend has heard him loud and clear, without him having to say the forbidden words. Love is not a word you associate in a question when talking with Brian Kinney even now, even after Justin, even after everything. Yet, as he watches his friend peering back at him, his heart goes out to him.

“I have to go,” he mumbles as he turns to leave.

“Brian, wait! I’m sorry...”

“Apologies are useless.” Looking intently at his friend, Brian finally leans over to place a chaste kiss on Michael’s lips before saying, “Love you, Mikey; always have…”

“…Always will; yeah, I know...” Brian pulls back then, gazing at him for a few more seconds more as a way to accentuate his gratefulness to his friend, before taking a few steps back and finally exiting the store.

As his friend leaves him standing here, Michael can’t help but muse about Brian’s life. Ten years ago, if someone had told him that his friend would fall in love with an annoying teenager who wouldn’t take no for an answer, he would have told whoever was saying it that he was freaking insane. Brian in love? It was inconceivable. What would have been even more insane would have been for someone to tell him that Brian could fall in love a  _ second _ time.

Now, Michael realizes the true meaning of the adage ‘never say never.’

* * *

**_February 2009, Paris, 4_ ** **_th_ ** **_District, Cloitre Saint-Merri Street_ **

**Brian’s POV**

As Brian stands in front of the gallery that is displaying Justin’s first solo show in France’s capital, he is grateful for the umbrella he is holding which not only protects him from the rain, but also obscures him slightly, giving him some time to look through the window. He knows his former lover isn’t there; he called the gallery earlier that day, pretending to be a fan who wanted to meet with the artist. He was told by the owner that Justin was currently away for a couple of days.

Still, Brian’s heart beats fast; too fast. He hesitates, standing there in the pouring rain for a few more minutes, before finding the courage to move toward the door. He isn’t sure why he is so nervous, but he is. The exhibition’s opening had been held nearly a week ago, so as he opens the door he is surprised to see so many people in the open display area. Surprised and proud.

Leaving his coat and his umbrella in the cloakroom, his eyes are drawn immediately to the huge painting displayed as the first one in the room, just near the entrance. The lines, the paint, the colors, everything about this painting screams emotions, feelings, here, now.

_ God, he is so fucking talented. _

Three hours later and Brian’s still there, still immersed in all the feelings emanating from Justin’s work. As he moves from one painting to the next, a certainty makes his way into his heart, more than ever.

_ It was worth it. _

He finally positions himself in front of the last painting, a relatively small one compared to the additional twenty ones in the exhibition.

This painting takes his breath away. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is looking right at  _ them _ , Brian and Justin, or rather, right at the power of love found and then lost. The canvas is an abstract, but two figures can be guessed in the sharp lines, two intertwined silhouettes, which seem to become one. It’s painful and beautiful at the same time.

“Powerful, isn’t it?” an elegant, middle-aged woman walks over and stops by his side, her eyes riveted on the painting.

“Yes...” He can’t help concurring.

Gazing at Brian, she extends her hand. “I’m the owner, Nathalie Olalie. I couldn’t help but see how captivated you appear with the exhibition.” Turning to look at the painting once again, she adds, “This young artist is really talented. He’s going to go far in the art world.”

“I agree...” Brian can’t help the smile from appearing on his face. “Also, I can’t help but notice that there is no price tag on this one...Is it already sold?” He inquires.

“No.”

“So?”

Nathalie sighs. “It’s  _ not _ for sale.”

_ Justin...Sentimental twat... _

“Okay. Can you tell me if there is one painting I  _ can _ buy?”

Her face lights up. “Of course! Come with me, I will show you.”

One hour later, Brian is the proud owner of a new Justin Taylor original. He asks the owner to stay discreet about his purchase before he leaves the gallery with his carefully wrapped package.

* * *

Two days later, Brian is back at the same spot from earlier, standing still on Cloître Saint-Merri Street and peering through the windows of the gallery. Except this time, he won’t venture inside, even if he  _ really _ wants to.

Justin is there, right before his eyes, just a window separating them, looking happy, healthy.

His former partner is laughing and gesturing with his hands, talking to an elderly couple. Brian has always been amused by his WASP manners, but he knows that’s why Justin can literally hypnotize others at times. This occasion is definitely one of them. The couple seem delighted by what he is saying, whatever it is.

Brian’s eyes can’t seem to look away. Justin is as beautiful as ever, even if he can’t see his face clearly. Brian’s heart is pounding in his chest, just witnessing his former lover’s discussion inside the gallery.

Just then, a man comes up behind Justin and slides his right arm around his chest. Justin’s smile grows wider, or so it seems, as Brian’s heart beats faster, if that’s possible.

Brian can’t move. Who  _ is _ this man? Is he a friend? A lover? More?

_ It doesn’t matter. All that matter is that Justin is happy. _

At that instant, Brian has never been more certain that he was right when he let Justin go. This exhibition couldn’t have happened if he had stayed with him, and he seems to be doing more than well. Brian is convinced that the smile on his face is not the smile of a sad man. Yet, at the same time, Brian feels like his chest is going to explode, seeing the man that captured his heart eight years ago.

He is so proud of him. He would want nothing more right now than to enter the gallery and tell him just that. He would ask him to have dinner with him, and they would go to his hotel and spend the night together. He would tell him with his hands, his touch and his eyes how much he still misses him. Finally, Brian would leave the next day without looking back, letting Justin return to his world, and him to his. Yet, Justin would know that the older man still loves him more than life itself, and that Brian is fucking proud of him.

That it was  _ worth _ it.

Of course, it’s not that simple. He can’t do that, for a lot of reasons. He could enumerate all the reasons in his head, because there are plenty of them.

Yet, there is  _ one _ reason that surpasses every other one.

He knows it.

He even can admit it, at least to himself.

So instead of entering, instead of letting himself act on his fantasy, he retreats and finally begins to walk back to his hotel.

It’s time to go home.

* * *

**_Pittsburgh, one day later_ **

**Aidan’s POV**

“Are you okay?”

Noah’s question surprises him and startles him a little.

“What? Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know.” Noah pauses. “You seem... sad or something...”

“No, I’m okay, really.” Aidan doesn’t stop what he is doing, looking straight into the sink and the soapy sponge in his hand.

“If you say so...”

Aidan is at his sister’s house, washing the dishes in the kitchen. It’s getting late and he’s tired. The last few weeks have been emotionally hard, and Aidan is feeling the aftereffects from it.

Olivia is now living in a private facility, not too far from her former home. At first, she had come home from time to time, but everyone involved realized pretty quickly that it was doing more harm than good.

It’s been nearly two months now since she moved out, but it’s still hard for everyone to adjust. The guilt is eating up each one of them differently, even though they know it was the best solution objectively.

Or was it?

Aidan can’t help but ask himself that question, over and over again, because even if it’s easier now for the children, Samuel, and himself, how could it be easier for Olivia? It really isn’t, even if now there are some times when she doesn’t immediately recognize her own children. So, yes, it’s the best solution in order to preserve everyone. But fuck if it’s not unfair.

Everybody in the family is grieving in their own way. Grieving for a life that is irrevocably gone. It’s a hard time, but they all try to stay strong, and lean on each other when things become too difficult for them to deal with, especially for Claire and Noah, and even Samuel. Aidan can’t allow himself to break down, though, being the one who winds up providing comfort more often than not to his sister’s loved ones.

He had broken down once, about two months ago. It was the day they had finally decided that they couldn’t deal with Olivia’s illness on their own anymore; the pain and the feeling of finality had gripped him that day, and had been too strong.

He had gone to the loft, not knowing how he would be received, since Brian had been avoiding him for about a week at that point. He didn’t know the reason, but he had sensed that Brian had needed space, and he had not pushed him. Yet, that day he had acted impulsively, not taking the time to really give it ample thought before he made his way to Brian’s loft.

Brian hadn’t been there, so he had waited for him; and when his lover had finally appeared one hour later, there were no words exchanged. Brian must have sensed that something was wrong, because he didn’t push; he’d just let Aidan follow him into the loft, and had held him for a long time that night while he cried like he never had before.

If not for Brian, Aidan didn’t think that he could have been strong enough to deal with his own family. The man has helped him more that he can possibly know, just by being there when he needs him, and listening whenever he needs to talk about it.

However, Aidan knew even before Brian told him that something was going on.

One week ago, Brian had announced to him that he was going to Paris for a few days and that he was leaving the next day. Aidan had understood immediately then why Brian had been pensive in a weird kind of way for the past few weeks.

* * *

_ Flashback _

“You’re going to see him.” It is a statement, not a question. Brian doesn’t go to Paris for business, so there is only one plausible explanation left.

“Yes,” Brian confirms before adding, “He’s having his first show. The exhibition opening was two days ago.” He tries to come closer to Aidan, who is standing by the counter of his kitchen, but Aidan steps back. “I just...”

“You have to be there.”

Brian signs and nods imperceptibly, pleading with his eyes for Aidan to understand. “I have to go.”

“Okay.” Aidan tries his best to not show his feelings, even if it’s fucking hard.

“Okay?”

Finally, Aidan can’t help it and snaps, “What do you want me to say, Brian? That I understand? I do, I really do. But would it change anything if I said I don’t want you to go? Because I don’t want you to go. How could I? Knowing there’s a big risk...”  _ A big risk that you won’t want to come back to me… _

Aidan takes a deep breath, trying to gain control over his emotions. “But it’s not about me. It’s about  _ you _ . And I...” He gestures with his hand, trying desperately to do the right thing here, to let Brian do what he needs to do. “I’m not going to stop you. I just...Fuck!” This is hard; harder than he ever could have imagined.

Brian shakes his head.  “Aidan...” He tries once again to come closer.

Yet, Aidan can’t let him, or he fears he might lose it and reveal too much. “No.  Just...just go, okay?  _ Please _ ...”

Brian stares at him for a long time before finally leaving without a word. By the time he’s gone, Aidan thinks that his heart is going to shatter into a million pieces. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before grabbing his jacket. That night, when he comes home, he is fucking wasted. As he fucks a nameless trick in his bed ten minutes later, he tries to forget all about Brian Kinney, if just for one night.

Of course, it doesn’t work.

_ End of Flashback _

* * *

That is the last time he saw Brian, exactly six days ago.

Now, as he enters his apartment after having left Noah and Samuel for the night, he just wants to take a long shower, sleep for a week, and forget the rest of the world.

Thirty minutes later, he is just about to crawl into his bed when he hears someone knocking on his door. Not bothering to get fully dressed, he slips on some sweatpants before going to see who could possibly want to see him at eleven o’clock on a Sunday night.

Of course, he should have known.

“What are you doing here?”

“No special reason; I just wanted to look at the pictures on your walls,” Brian replies with a little smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

“The pictures, huh?”

“Of course; what else?” Brian grins, a grin that doesn’t really reach his eyes, before turning serious, almost vulnerable. “Can I come in?”

Aidan sighs. “I was just going to bed; can we see each other another day?” He isn’t sure he’s ready to deal with Brian right this instant.

“No.” Brian’s answer leaves no room for argument.

“No?”

“No.”

Under Brian’s intense stare, Aidan can’t do anything but let him enter. Yet, he will not let go so easily.

“How was Paris?”

Brian winces. “Do you really want to talk about it?”

“No. But maybe we should.”

“Why?”

Aidan isn’t sure he hears him right. Did he really just ask him why? “Excuse me?”

Brian clarifies. “What good would that do?”

“Probably none,” Aidan admits.

“So, why talk about it?”

This is not going anywhere. “Brian, stop this. If you want to play dumb, you can just leave. I’m done playing.”

“Playing?”

“Yes, playing.” Aidan comes closer to Brian, who is still standing in his hallway. “You know I have feelings for you.” Brian doesn’t look at him and tries to step back. “Look at me. Don’t you  _ dare _ back down now.”

Brian pauses and finally stares at him, seemingly surprised by the determination he hears in Aidan’s voice.

“Don’t you get it?”

“Get what?” Brian’s tone is somewhat vulnerable now, making Aidan calm down a little, as he takes Brian’s face in his hands, making him look right at him as their eyes lock.

“I love you, you asshole.”

Brian tries to move, but Aidan doesn’t let him.

Brian whispers, “Stop.” It’s almost a plea.

“Why?” Aidan steps back then, gesturing with his hands between them. “It’s the truth. And I might have hidden it from you for as long as you want, but that would not have changed how I feel about you. And somehow I think I’m just saying what you’ve known all along, anyway. So just be a man and deal with it. And when you’re ready to tell me what happened in Paris, and can stop freaking out, you know where to find me. Until then, you can leave.”

Brian watches as Aidan turns toward the door, making it obvious he wishes for him to leave. He moves to stop him. “Aidan...”

“No, Brian. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with a man who doesn’t know what he wants right now.”

“I  _ do _ know.”

_ Yeah… Right _ . “Do you?”

“I want you to move in with me.”

_ Wait a minute.  What? _ “What?”

“That’s what I wanted to tell you. I came here as soon as my plane landed. I want you to move in with me.”

Aidan can’t believe the man’s casualness. “Fuck you!”

“What?”

“You heard me, Brian. Fuck you! You’re freaking out after seeing your ex, so you ask me to move in? Do you really think I would accept, knowing what – or more precisely, who – is  _ prompting _ you to ask me that? Because you miss him?”

“What? No! You don’t understand!”

“Don’t I? I know you can’t even talk about your trip with me! How can I trust you to be sincere  _ now _ ?”

“You want to know? Okay, I’ll tell you, then! I spent three hours looking at his exhibition, and realizing how right I was to let him go. After having seen what I saw, I have no doubt whatsoever that we made the right decision.” Brian takes a step closer. “And after that, I saw  _ him _ .”

Their eyes don’t leave each other. “He didn’t see me. I was outside the gallery, looking through the window like a fucking voyeur while he was inside. And he looked...healthy...happy...and so fucking beautiful...”

Aidan can’t help but close his eyes over Brian’s words before opening them again, dreading what else Brian might have to say.

“I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t entertain the idea of going in and seeing him, so I could spend some time with him. I thought about it for a few seconds, anyway...” Both men understand exactly what ‘spend some time’ meant.

“Still, I found several good reasons not to...”

Brian’s eyes soften then as he comes closer. “But  _ one _ reason especially was enough.”

Aidan’s breath catches in his throat. Brian finally takes the last step that separates them and grazes his neck, a tender look on his face. Then he moves back and smiles.

“So, Mr. Cole...would you consider moving in with me? Or do I have to go and ask around Liberty Avenue to find  _ another _ roommate? That would be a real shame, though, because, well...not everybody can suck my cock like...”

Brian doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, however, because Aidan quickly stops him with a kiss that stokes a burning desire in both their bodies within a few seconds.

Aidan can’t understand how or even why he  _ feels _ so much when he’s with this man, but as he bends over the couch a few minutes later and Brian enters him, he realizes that he doesn’t care why. He just does.

He loves him.

_ END BOOK 1 _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of BOOK 1.  
> The next chapter will be written from Justin's POV.  
> Thank you for reading! Comments are greatly appreciated :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin's POV... five years later ... ;)

**_Five years later – April 2014, Paris_ **

**Justin’s POV**

Justin Taylor is late.

At thirty-one, his life is a blur made of work, work and more work. That is the reason why he is rushing to catch the subway at Saint Sulpice Station at the moment, because he has a meeting with a client; a meeting for which he’s already late.

Finally getting onto the train for a twenty-minute ride, he can’t help his mind from wandering, just like every other person around him who is lost in their own thoughts.

* * *

Justin Taylor has been a renowned artist for nearly five years now.

European’s cities have been his playground during all this time: Milan, Barcelona, Vienna, Berlin, London, Rome, Dublin and many more. In that time, he has experienced many things, met a lot of different people; people who are interested in what HE has to show.

Even after all this time, though, and after all his success, he still can’t believe it, not really. It has been a dream come true, something he never would have hoped for, something even in his wildest dreams he couldn’t have imagined for a second.

He knew he has his mentor to thank for that, the man with whom nothing would have happened otherwise.  Mr. Dale (everybody called him like that – it was as if the man didn’t even have a first name) had become fascinated with Justin’s works in New York seven years ago, and had been the one to offer him the world, literally. Mr. Dale was a renowned artist who, at the age of fifty-eight, had wanted to help a young artist to succeed. When he had met Justin, he claimed that he would change Justin’s life. At his age, he had nothing to prove to anyone anymore, and, according to him, his life had been becoming boring. He couldn’t wait, then, to help Justin become what Brian Kinney liked to call a ‘big, fat, fucking success.’

His relationship with Mr. Dale was really one of a student and a mentor. The man was as straight as Justin was gay, and he kept calling Justin his spiritual son. However he termed it, all Justin knew was that he was terribly grateful to have him in his life.

Thanks to Mr. Dale’s connections and his ‘business genius,’ Justin had been able to obtain his first solo show in Paris, barely eighteen months after he had left the States. The young man remembered the first months after leaving New York extremely well, since it had been one of the most wonderful, but also one of the most difficult times he ever had to face in his lifetime.

His memories of that time always brought a myriad of feelings rising to the surface. It had been a wonderful time, the kind of moment when you’re sure something beautiful and wonderful is going to happen to you, but the time to discover and fully appreciate it is still yet to come. Justin had been waiting impatiently for his big break into the art world, a wait that had been tainted with an inner fear that it never would materialize at all. 

So, it wasn’t a surprise that it eventually became one of the most difficult times of his life, too. Waiting for something to happen leaves a person with unanswered questions, and consequently, it allowed inner thoughts to be slowly invaded with tendrils of doubt and a lack of self-confidence, so much so that if he hadn’t been careful, it would have eaten him alive and destroyed everything that he had worked so hard for.

Justin had left so much behind, and, during those periods of waiting, he had constantly questioned himself about the wisdom of his decision. What good would it bring if it meant leaving all the ones he loved behind? What if he was doing all of this for nothing? What if it wasn’t worth it in the end? How could he live with it, then?

Leaving his friends and his family had been tearing him apart. It had been so hard to not give up and persevere in the first few months. In fact, he had nearly given up once, and had purchased a one-way ticket to the States. It had been an impetuous decision, but he nonetheless had found himself in Pittsburgh on a cold night in December, 2007.

On Christmas Eve.

Christmas is a much harder time to be alone.  It’s a time for family, friends, lovers, and partners to be together, to  _ share _ together. Christmas is not a time when someone wants to be alone, and if by some unfortunate circumstance you DO wind up alone, it’s more like a hibernation period when someone locks himself away from everything and everyone and waits for Christmas to be over. Generally, either you live it completely, or you avoid it at all costs.

Being alone with his thoughts and doubts in Europe - he was in London at the time - Justin hadn’t been able to bear it. He had hopped on a plane on the twenty-third of December, and had arrived in Pittsburgh the next day, after a long drive from New York.

Of course, he hadn’t thought, and should have called before his unexpected arrival. When he had realized that Brian wasn’t at the loft, he had gone to his mother’s home. She had been dumbfounded to discover him in her doorway, but deliriously happy, too.

When she had announced to him that all the Liberty Avenue gang, including Brian, was spending Christmas in Toronto, his first thought was that fate hated him. Really? The only time he had wanted Brian to be here, to hide from the world – well, at least a little, he always made time for Gus at Christmas – and he wasn’t there?  It was true that Justin should have put some more thought into his plans before just showing up, but he had hated his life at that moment.  He’d had Michael and Debbie on the phone previously before making his trip, but they hadn’t mentioned where they were spending Christmas. Going to Toronto hadn’t been a part of his plan. But after all the miles he had already covered, he wasn’t going to stop now. Or so he had thought at the time.

To this day, he keeps thinking about that moment on Christmas Eve at his mom’s place, and how it had been another turning point in his life.

Jennifer had sensed that his son was struggling with his decision to stay in Europe. When she had looked at him that night, she had sensed that loneliness and fear were leading his actions at the moment, and that he was ready to give up everything and run back to Brian, while he ran away from his dreams that meant so much to him.

_ Running away _ . That’s the term she used that night, while trying to make him see things more clearly.

As soon as his mother had voiced aloud what his inner voice had been repeating constantly in his head, he had understood. Suddenly, he could admit the fact that he was  _ giving up _ on his dream; not because he missed his loved ones terribly, even though that was a big part of the reason why he wanted to come home, but because he was  _ scared _ shitless to be wrong about his decision and fail. He was running away.

After he realized that, it was clear to him.  He  _ couldn’t _ come back, not now. Either he would succeed, or he would fail, but at least he wouldn’t be a quitter. He couldn’t be, not after all he had been through. He owed it to himself, and more importantly, to Brian. Without him, he wouldn’t be the man he was today. He  _ owed  _ him his life, and so much more. How could he give up what Brian had fought so hard to restore in him? His art was a part of him. If not for Brian...

He couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t give up.

So, two days later, he went back to London without seeing Brian. It would have been too hard, and he had feared at the time that he wouldn’t find the strength to leave him again. Therefore, Brian never knew he was there, since his mother kept his confidence and never told anyone about his impromptu trip.

Six months later, his first show became a reality. Not only that, he was displaying his works in fucking Paris a few months later, too. He couldn’t believe it. Paris! It had been the beginning of his work being recognized, and also the beginning of a wonderful journey for him, professionally speaking. For the next few years, he had travelled all over Europe, with his home base in Paris, and it had been like a dream come true.

Now, five years after his first solo show in the French capital, he has finally decided to settle near the Marais District, where he has been offered the opportunity to run his own gallery with a friend he had made along the way, an old collector that had literally fallen in love with Justin’s work and didn’t know what to do with his money.

So, a few months earlier, he had found himself a little apartment on Madame’s Street in the 6 th district and had started a new life, again, as the co-manager of the Taylor-Cohen Gallery. It was a new challenge, because not only was the gallery displaying his works, but he was also responsible for finding new talents to showcase. It was what Justin had always wanted after all he had been provided with; a way to help young artists succeed, and realize their  _ own _ dreams that were much like his. The daughter of Pierre Cohen, his art collector friend, was helping him run the gallery. While Louise was there, he could paint in the studio area situated at the back of the one-floor building.

* * *

Now, here he is, breaking out into almost a jog on Rivoli Street after having arrived at Saint-Paul Station, heading toward the gallery where a client is waiting for him. He encounters a couple along the way, two men holding hands with matching smiles on their faces, and his step slows down as his mind wanders again.

* * *

His love life is not as ideal as his professional life.

When he had first arrived in Europe, he had been heartbroken. Leaving Brian behind with such a strong sense of finality that it gripped his heart, he had felt at first like it was being shuttered forever.

Even if it  _ had _ been their mutual choice, it hadn’t made it any easier; quite the contrary. He couldn’t bitch or whine back then because someone had dumped him. He couldn’t blame anyone. He couldn’t even pretend that it had been insane, and that he would come back to him. It just wasn’t the  _ right  _ time for them. It was just unfair.

Still, a few months after he left the States, he began to move on and had even dated a guy or two.

The first serious relationship had been with Stuart, a young, English lawyer he had met at Mr. Dale’s show in the beginning of 2008. At the time, Justin had been residing in London for five months, so he had decided to give it a try. Stuart was beautiful. He had this aura surrounding him, making him seem almost like a fucking magnet, and Justin was immediately drawn to him. Their relationship was intense, maybe too intense. Justin would understand later that the intensity of their relationship had in fact been a way for him to redirect his feelings for Brian toward someone else.  It was doomed right from the beginning. Four months later, when Justin had left London to go to Paris, he didn’t even blink when he ended it.

After that, he had spent a year without seeing anyone seriously. He had tricked, gone to parties, met a few guys, and had even found a fuck buddy, Peter. He was an American artist like him who had also become a good friend, but nothing serious developed from it. All he had wanted to think about was his art and his show.

Inviting Brian to his first show hadn’t been an easy decision. He had debated the idea for a few weeks before calling Lindsay. He had finally contacted her in November 2008, and had asked her how she was doing since moving back (his mother had told him the news after hearing it from Debbie). He had told her about his show and, of course, she had been ecstatic on his behalf. Lindsay had always been his first supporter, so it had seemed fitting that he should share the news with her first. However, he had never mentioned Brian’s name or who he was inviting, merely telling her that he would send her an invitation.

He had called Michael then after not having spoken to him in more than six months, asking about his life and telling him about his show. They had also talked about how hard it was to be so far away from all his friends and family, and Justin had confessed that he was still missing Brian, but he had made Michael promise not to say a word to his former lover about it. Michael had told him that Brian was fine, without giving him any more details. Justin would understand later that his friend hadn’t been sure how to tell him that Brian was seeing someone; so he had shut up about it at the time, wanting to spare his friend any pain he suspected he would feel.

It is weird how long Justin has waited to call his friends again. He hasn’t called for a few months now, except for his mother, of course, and Debbie occasionally.

He misses them all, the gang of Liberty Avenue. Still, the first year had been so hard, he had been almost afraid to call them, for fear he might want to give up and go home. So, he refrained from calling too much, even if he did call Michael twice, mainly to know how Brian was doing, and to know if he was alright. If not for his first show, he didn’t know how long he would have waited to call again, so he was grateful that he finally had.

Of course, he’d obtained some news about his friends from his mother and Debbie. After all, Debbie had made him swear he would call her from time to time when he had left. He would be lying if he didn’t admit he had loved her for that. His mother, Debbie, and Michael have been his only real link with the people he had left behind that first year.

He received all kinds of congratulations from the gang for the show, even a video tape with them all in it, except Brian. Of course, he’d been disappointed that Brian hadn’t shown up at the gallery, but he had understood why he didn’t. It would have been too hard at the time, since Justin knew he wasn’t intending on returning home any time soon.

So, when the owner of the gallery had given him a letter with Brian’s writing on it, claiming it had arrived from the States, his heart had skipped a beat. As he opened it, his heart had warmed up as he read the words on the paper written in Brian’s familiar scrawl.

_ Fly away, Sunshine.  I’m so proud of you. _

_ Love always, _

_ Brian _

That night, Justin had felt like laughing and crying, all at the same time.

Two months later, Justin had met Thomas, a French guy; smart, funny, killer smile, grey eyes, tall, lean.  In the immortal words of his friend, Daphne, ‘to die for.’ They had clicked immediately, sharing the same sense of humor and vision about life, talking for hours about politics and society’s questions.

For the first time in a long time, Justin had felt his heart pounding faster, his hands becoming sweaty, and his breath quickening over a first kiss.

It had been during their first months together that Justin had found out about Brian’s new relationship. He would always remember that phone call, back in August 2009, as Michael had finally decided to share the truth about his former lover. Maybe the fact that Justin was involved with someone himself had finally helped his friend to confide in him, but Justin had been grateful for Michael’s thoughtfulness. Besides, knowing the truth about Brian earlier wouldn’t have changed anything. Justin would still have been in Europe, and Brian would still have been in the States. Justin still had so much life to experience.

Even if it was for the best, though, it had been hard to know that Brian was moving on; yet, Justin had been so proud of him at the same time. Michael’s words had been weird, painful and beautiful to hear, all at once.

Justin was happy, knowing that Brian was  _ living _ . He always had known that Brian had so much more to offer than what people might think. He was the most generous man he had known in all his life, willing to do anything for the ones he loved, without people knowing about it, of course. It had been hard, nearly impossible sometimes, for Brian to open up and fully accept that he could love and be loved for who he was. So, that day, knowing that he was finally moving on and taking another chance with someone else, Justin was fucking proud of him. Sad in a way, because their life had not allowed them to share all of it  _ together _ , but so proud.

Moreover, he had been with Thomas then.

Thomas would be an incredible lover. It had been the start of a three-year relationship with its inevitable ups and downs; yet, it had been one of the happiest times of Justin’s life. He had been developing his reputation as a renowned artist at the time, living half of the time with a beautiful man when he wasn’t travelling for a show. And at first, it really had been great. Justin had even begun to think that Thomas could be his ‘happily ever after’ story. The man was kind, generous, and gorgeous, with a sharp wit and a zest for living life to its fullest. At thirty-two, he was a physiotherapist, possessing a wonderful empathy for the people he helped every day, and Justin really thought at the time that he was ‘it;’ he was the man he would live with for many years to come.

Unfortunately, Thomas had wanted more than Justin could give him in the end.

Seeing Justin when the young man wasn’t in Italy, Austria, Germany, or in another country, hadn’t been enough for him. They had begun to fight more and more, until eventually their arguing had become constant. Thomas had never really understood the importance of Justin’s art in his life; therefore, when Justin had refused to change his life immediately and to cut back on the time he spent creating a name for himself, Thomas had given him an ultimatum. It was him…or his art.

Justin had chosen his art.

It had been painful for Justin, as he had really thought until the end that they could make it. It seemed he had been wrong.

One year later, in June 2013, Mr. Dale, who was back from a three-month trip to Hong Kong, introduced him to Pierre Cohen, an older, rich man he had met there. The seventy-two-year-old collector was a charming, witty man and a lover of art. Their meeting that day had changed his life, again. Six months later, Justin was finally definitively residing in Paris.

He hadn’t met anybody after Thomas. He had friends, good friends even, but no one to share his life with. Peter, his friend and fuck buddy from before, had found his ‘true love’ according to him, and was now his best friend here in Paris, even if said true love wasn’t too ecstatic about Justin’s place in Peter’s life. Justin couldn’t blame him, knowing their former relationship, even if it had always been clear between them that what they were doing was a way to add some fun into their life, and wasn’t meant to be anything more.

Still, he was missing the connection, the bond you have with the person you love. He even had thought a few times about reconnecting with Thomas now that he wasn’t travelling as much, but he had refrained. He couldn’t go back to him, not when the man couldn’t understand how important his art was, and all he had endured to become the man he was today.

He has thought about moving back to the States, of course. Yet, something had always stopped him, either because it wasn’t the right time, or because now that he could afford to move back – the gallery could function without him being there – the truth was that he was scared somehow.

One thing he knows for sure is that he has never been able to forget Brian Kinney. His feelings are still there, buried deep down inside of him. He is not certain that going back to the States to witness the older man sharing his life with someone else is a good idea. Furthermore, he really doesn’t know how Brian would react if he returned.

He misses his family and his friends. Phone calls are just not the same, and three visits in seven years are definitely not enough. He hadn’t even seen Brian a single time, as he couldn’t summon the courage to turn up when the man was there. The two times he had gone back after that Christmas in 2007, Brian had been on a business trip, and that had suited him just fine.

He knows one day he will go back, go back to his friends, go back to his family, and yes, go back to Brian, even if all the man can offer him is friendship.

Still, he isn’t ready yet.

* * *

Justin finally makes it to the gallery and meets with his client. Mr. Nguyen has been a fan of his work since his very first show, and has bought several paintings in the last few years.

Justin is still amazed that people can be so responsive to his art. After his meeting, resulting in Mr. Nguyen buying another piece of his work, Justin is about enter his studio when he notices a man standing in front of his painting entitled  _ Lost Love _ .

The stranger is tall, wearing a hat on his head, a beard on his face and a well-used jacket slung over his shoulders. Justin doesn’t know why, but after ten minutes of furtively observing this man, who doesn’t move from his chosen place, he finally heads toward him and positions himself on his right, looking at his most cherished work.

“Is it for sale?” The voice startles him in the silent atmosphere of the gallery.

“No.”

“Why?”

The question is unexpected, but Justin is a very polite man. “Because I don’t want to.”

“Good reason.”

They stay like that, next to each other for one more minute before the man asks a question that surprises Justin to no end.

“So, who  _ is  _ he?”

“Excuse me?”

“The man in the painting, your lost love, who is he?”

_ What the fuck? _

“I...” Justin doesn’t know what to say. “How can you...I’ve never…nobody ever...”

The man cuts him off. “I’m a perceptive man. When you look at it,  _ really  _ look at it, you can discern two shapes in there...”

_ Does he really see it? _

“You...”

A little smile appears on the man’s lips. “Also, the title is quite revealing if you ask me...”

_ Of course, the title... _

As Justin exhales a breath he didn’t know he was holding, the man next to him smiles. “Okay, I admit I wouldn’t have noticed, if not for the title. But, I dare say that the other man here was your true love, right?”

_ How can this man know so much just by looking at a painting? _

“I...” Justin debates inwardly for a few seconds with how much he wants to reveal, before finally settling for the truth. “Yes...”

“I thought so. With you not being willing to sell it, it has to mean that you still love this man.” Justin doesn’t agree with or deny the man’s statement.

The man clears his throat then, and asks another personal question to Justin. “So, where  _ is  _ he?”

Justin doesn’t even know why he answers this one. “I...He lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.”

“I know where Pittsburgh is.”

This is a surprise. “You do?”

The man nods, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. After a long silence, his voice rings in the air.

“Can I ask you another question?”

_ What the hell. _ Justin doesn’t know this man, but if he can understand his painting...

“Go ahead.”

“Why are you still here?”

_ What? _ “What?”

“If he is not here, why aren’t you with him  _ now _ ?”

Okay, this man is definitely a little weird, even if there is  _ something _ there that Justin can’t ignore. He just doesn’t know what it is, but it’s there. “It’s not that simple.”

“Not that simple as in ‘it’s complicated,’ or not that simple as something else?”

Justin hesitates briefly before responding, “Let’s just say that I had to leave him...He has moved on, and he...he loves someone else.”

“Hmm,” The man doesn’t seem convinced by his words. “Can I ask you another question?”

Justin shrugs. He is not going to stop the man now.

“Even if he is happy with someone else, if you still love him, don’t you want to be a part of his life? To be there for him? You never know what life can present for you. Or for him. Maybe...” The man stops then, and Justin witnesses a furtive look on his face, but he sees it nevertheless. It’s the face of a sad man.

The man goes on. “Maybe all hope is not lost for you. Maybe he will need you in the future. Don’t you want to be there for him?”

The man’s words echo in his head. Sure, if Brian needed him, he would want to be there. In fact, if someone would call him right now, telling him that he had to go home, for Brian, even as just a friend, he would go without a second thought. He would give up his life now, knowing he IS the best homosexual he can be, and he would go home. He has nothing to prove anymore, to anyone. Still, it’s not that simple, is it?

“Why do you say that? I mean, how could I go back now? It’s been years since I’ve seen him. He has moved on. And I have, too! I have a gallery to run, a life here, a...”

The man cuts him off once again. “Don’t you think he still loves you? That he would be there for you if you needed him to be?” Justin feels like the man is angry with him for wanting to stay here.

_ I must be imagining things; I don’t even know this man. _

“I...”  _ What was the question again? Oh, yeah. Would Brian be there for him if he needed him to be? _ Justin knows the answer without a doubt. “Yeah, he would...” Still, that doesn’t mean it’s so easy. “But I can’t just disturb his life like that, it wouldn’t be fair to him.”

“What does  _ that  _ have to do with anything?  _ Life  _ is unfair, Justin...” The man uses his first name, as if they know each other, giving an even more intense meaning to his next words. “Just... think about it, okay? You rarely have the chance to meet your soul mate twice, believe me.”

The man’s words, even if a little weird, ring true nevertheless to Justin’s ears. Therefore, all he can do is nod. “Okay...”

“It was good meeting you.” The man smiles at him, but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Justin can’t help but see many emotions there; at that instant, he is sure that the person in front of him is the kind of man that truly feels passionately, and aims to achieve everything he can out of life.

“Likewise...”

As he observes the man leaving the gallery, finally breaking the awkward moment they’d just shared, Justin realizes that he hadn’t even asked him his name.

Still, heading toward his studio, his head replays over and over the conversation he has just had with the stranger; today, however, he doesn’t paint; he simply stands in front of his canvas with the brush in his hand, too busy thinking to create anything.

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Aidan's POV, in January 2014. If you're not comfortable with Brian and Aidan together, skip the first part as it is NC-18.

**_Three months earlier, January 2014, Pittsburgh_ **

**Brian’s POV**

As Brian’s brain slowly but surely comes back to consciousness from the wonderful world of dreams his sleep has provided him, the first feeling that passes through his body this January morning is one of pure pleasure, as he realizes his partner is taking care of a certain part of his anatomy beautifully. Brian groans, his back arching unconsciously, propelling his hips upward, as his cock slides deeper into the welcoming mouth. The sensations are marvellous, Aidan knowing his body better than anyone, and soon he can feel this sweet feeling spreading all over his body, indicating an impending orgasm. However, his partner seems to have a different idea, as he abruptly stops what he is doing, leaving Brian momentarily surprised. That brief moment of inattention is enough for Aidan to flip Brian over with one clear goal in mind.  Whenever that happens, even though Brian initially pretends to be the helpless victim and often appears to resist, in reality he really enjoys it way too much to deny himself the pleasure of his partner taking charge. Aidan licks and sucks his skin on his back and finally reaches his ass with his tongue, making him shiver with want and need for his partner to claim him and to possess him completely. Soon enough, Brian is begging for more.

Aidan looms above him as he whispers in his ear seductively, “You so love me when I’m inside you, pounding your perfect ass.”

Brian can imagine the smirk of satisfaction on his face. Still, he doesn’t care. “Shut up and fuck me,” he almost moans as he feels his lover’s hot mouth on his neck.

“Well, since you asked so nicely…”

Then, Aidan reaches over to the bedside table, and soon he is lining up his cock and teasing Brian’s entrance, just pushing lightly with his covered shaft.

“You’re really a fucking tease…” Brian half-growls, half-moans. “Would you fuck me already? Ahh…”

Aidan is slowly entering him now, moaning himself at the wonderful pleasure he is experiencing, his cock fitting so well in his partner’s ass. Brian’s moans and groans, as he moves to take his cock deeper, are making Aidan lose it way sooner than what he would want. He knows fucking his partner has always been such a turn on, and that he needs all his experience and expertise to make it last. He changes his angle of penetration, eliciting loud moans from both of them. Soon, he knows by the way Brian is responding, saying words like “More,” or “Fuck,” or “Deeper,” that he has found his prostate. Encouraged by Brian’s body’s response, moving beautifully as if they are one, he lets go and pounds restlessly into Brian’s ass from behind, covering his partner’s back with his body and losing himself in the pure pleasure he is feeling.

Predictably, he feels his control slowly slipping away, even if he would love for this pleasure to go on forever.  “God, Brian! I can’t…” Aidan is feeling the beginning of his orgasm; he can’t last for long now.

“Yes…Come with me!” Brian arches his back and fucks himself on Aidan’s cock even harder, if that’s possible. Just as Aidan reaches for Brian’s to stroke it, he feels it pulsing at the first touch, Brian’s come covering his hand and Brian’s cries and convulsions around his own cock triggering his own orgasm. They come hard together, before Aidan collapses on Brian’s body, unable to move.

After taking a few more needed minutes to recover, Brian is the first to speak. “You’re really good at this.”

Aidan can hear the smile in his partner’s voice. “You are inspiring; that’s why I’m so good.”

Brian chuckles as he moves a little, disengaging himself from Aidan’s body but staying in a tight embrace. He reaches with his left hand for his partner’s face and caresses his beautiful hair before laying his hand on his cheek. “Mmmm…” He finally kisses his partner, and soon they are devouring each other and rubbing their bodies together, their softened cocks slowly coming back to life once more. Reluctantly, Brian pulls back. “I really don’t have time for this. I have a meeting in…” Brian looks at the clock on the nearby table, “…thirty minutes.”

Aidan grins.

_Oh, no, Mr. Cole.  I know that grin._

“What a shame; and I was hoping you could fuck me really quickly in the shower.”  He sighs melodramatically. “I guess I’ll just have to take care of this…” He takes his cock in his hand and strokes it lightly in front of Brian, making the other man’s cock harden even more. “…All by myself…” With a wink, Aidan jumps from the bed and heads toward the shower, laughing.

_Fucker. You know I can’t resist you._

As Brian follows Aidan into the shower a few seconds later, he smiles. His life is great; he has a beautiful partner by his side, a son he adores, a family he has chosen for himself, and a job in which he excels.

Little does he know that by the end of the day, his life as he knows it is going to be altered forever. He won’t realize it for a while, but fate is already at work, and planning to change his future irrevocably.

* * *

The last five years have been good for Brian Kinney, great even. His relationship with his partner has evolved a lot since that night in February 2009 when he proposed the idea of Aidan moving in with him.

At first, it hadn’t been that simple. Even though Aidan had been truly touched by Brian’s proposal and its real meaning, he hadn’t accepted right away. He hadn’t really believed back then that Brian wanted a real relationship with him, and therefore Brian had to fight for him to understand that that was what he really wanted. After a few weeks, including some time apart for Aidan to see things more clearly, Brian had succeeded in convincing Aidan that his invitation was genuine, and Aidan finally agreed to move in with him. As far as Brian is concerned, he’s confident that his partner has never regretted his decision ever since.

Brian knew he had real feelings for the man back in 2009. Deep down, he even knew he was in love with Aidan, even if it was hard for him to admit it at the time. He was also aware that in a way, asking Aidan to move in _had_ been a little rushed, even totally stupid. After all, he had just admitted to the man that he had just returned from Paris at the time to see his former lover, with whom he was still in love and always would be. Still, it had seemed like a logical, next step at the time, and Brian had definitively been right to fight for it. Now, after five years with Aidan by his side, he knows that he really _loves_ him, even if he has never succeeded in saying the words aloud. Still, every touch, every action, every look, is a proof of his feelings, and Aidan knows it.

They had shared a lot of things in the past five years. Some good moments, like Gus’s first crush with a girl and Noah’s graduation, as well as Ted and Blake’s commitment. Yet, they also had shared some tense moments, like Brian’s mother’s death, resulting in a really dark period for him when Aidan had to help him deal with his ‘past demons.’ Back then, in November 2011, when Joan Kinney had died from a heart attack, Brian’s reaction had been violent. Aidan had been there every step of the way, helping him as best he could, dealing with his pain and his anger that had resulted from his lost childhood. If it hadn’t been for his partner’s endless support, Michael’s insight, and the stability that Debbie had kindly provided to him when he had been younger, he didn’t know what he would have done.

Nevertheless, it had been hard as he fought against acknowledging his true feelings regarding her passing, but eventually he had permitted Aidan to see through his bullshit, and had allowed the other man to see his real pain, realizing it wasn’t such a bad thing to lean on someone else. Aidan had known exactly what to say, and more importantly, what _not_ to say to help Brian. Michael had even convinced him to talk to someone about it, and Brian had followed his advice, asking Alex Wilder for a few ‘informal sessions.’ Brian would be forever grateful for what his family had done for him during that time.  

Aidan has also had some bad times to deal with. His sister’s mind was now totally _gone_ , even if her body was still resisting, barely, and there had been some unpleasant moments along the way. Brian had been the helpless witness of the insidious queasiness introducing itself into her family, which was the result of their feelings of resignation and, even worse, _acceptance_ that finally overran everyone. It was like she had already left _,_ without having to experience a real process of grief. As a result, a strange sadness, an emptiness, had crept over them. Aidan himself had to stop going to see her every day, because it was eating him alive inside. Now he went to the facility once a week, bringing a book to read or talking to her about her children and how their lives were progressing. Claire was now working as a junior lawyer in a prestigious firm, and Noah was finishing his degree to become a photographer, just like his uncle. She would have been so proud of them. Aidan still desperately hoped that somewhere, somehow, she could hear him, because the person sitting in front of him with the vacant, unfocused stare, much like any other bedridden patient, was _not_ his sister anymore, but just an empty shell of her former self. Brian had gone with him a few times, mainly to show his support when Aidan had tried so hard not to show how much it hurt him to see her like that. Still, Brian could sense every time when Aidan was about to lose it, and he never stopped Brian from accompanying him, even if it was simply to hold his hand when no words could ever be enough.

Aidan’s professional life had evolved in the last few years, too. He still worked for Kinnetik from time to time, but after being involved with Brian for a few months, he hadn’t wanted to lean on him too much. Brian had respected his decision – Aidan was a proud man after all – and their relationship hadn’t begun with him being able to control or hide his feelings. That time back in 2008 had been a rough time for Aidan to deal with, his emotions too raw to allow him to stop them from ruling his life. Therefore, he had shown Brian a part of himself that he would have wanted to keep hidden, at least at the time, and consequently, he had wanted to regain control over his life again.

As a result, he had worked for a few firms in the Pittsburgh area, and he had also gone for a few ‘short’ missions all over the world in those five years. Aidan still had a really good relationship with his friend and ex-boss, Robert Bale, who had found him a few independent assignments in Africa; the condition being that he could return in America within a month. That way, Aidan could still indulge himself with one of his passions – travelling – without having to sacrifice spending time with his loved ones. Brian had been very supportive of his decision, since he understood better than anyone the need to be independent and to be someone’s equal in every sense of the word. As a bonus, their reunions had always been unforgettable every time.

As for their friends, life has been relatively good. Michael still owns the comic shop, and Ben is still a professor at Carnegie Mellon. They are still disgustingly in love and happy with their life in ‘surburbia.’ Hunter moved to San Francisco, and is now working as a cook in a renowned restaurant there. He is engaged, with a kid on the way, and returns back home as often as possible. Ted and Blake finally tied the knot during a beautiful ceremony the year before, and even if Brian still feels as comfortable in those kinds of events as if he were dancing in a tutu and a G-string, deep down he is proud of his friend and happy for him. When Ted hugged him that day, patting his shoulders afterwards as only he could do, saying without words how valuable his boss’s presence and friendship was to him, Brian has felt that strange feeling spreading throughout his body as he fought to not let his eyes tear up. Of course, if anyone would have dared to call him on it, he would have denied it; he is still Brian Kinney.

As for Emmett, he has finally settled down with a bartender five years younger than he that he met a couple of years before, and is absolutely in love with the man. Their relationship is intense, with a lot of fights and break-ups, but it seems they can’t stay away from each other for more than a day. Emmett is happy with Liam, at last. The girls still have their up-and-down periods, and their love life is occasionally rocky at times, but they are still together. The kids are growing up way too fast; Gus is already fourteen years old, and Jenny Rebecca is eleven. Still, they are happy and loved. As for Debbie, she has cut back on her time working at the diner after a serious cardiac alert for Carl, and she is enjoying her semi-retirement with her beloved husband, who is starting to feel the effects that naturally occur with older age.

Brian still owns Kinnetik, and has expanded to the east coast, having opened a branch in New York City two years earlier, with Cynthia as the manager. He still owns Babylon, too, even if he doesn’t go there as often as before, primarily because he isn’t getting any younger, but also because truthfully, he doesn’t need or want to go as often as he used to. He still fucks other men from time to time, and sometimes Aidan is with him when he meets some hot guys. Still, at forty-three, his ‘fucking’ philosophy as a way of life isn’t as appealing as it was before. It is just a natural evolution in his sex life, so he really has never thought about it.

So yes, his life is great. He hasn’t forgotten his past and where he came from, and he sometimes ponders the choices he’s made and asks himself what would have happened if things had played out differently. However, he never dwells on it for too long, because when he looks at his partner of five years, he doesn’t regret anything. He still has warm feelings for another man, which are buried deep down inside him. He will always love his first lover, and he won’t ever forget that young man that allowed him to live his life to its fullest. Yet, he has moved on and he is happy.

So, until that day, he could have imagined carrying on with this life for many years to come. However, one phone call was going to begin a string of circumstances and events that he couldn’t have predicted and that he won’t understand the true consequences of for a long time. One day, he will think about the irony of life with an accurate vision and insight, and he will allow himself to close another chapter of his life once more. But today, he is totally clueless about what is to come, and more importantly, completely unprepared for the new ordeal he is about to experience.

* * *

 

**Aidan’s POV**

As Aidan walks through the doors of the place which has been a constant reminder of what had been and what has become a part of his life, he feels a chill in his very core, like a furtive premonition which doesn’t have the time to be absorbed by a man’s mind, consequently leaving just a faint and brief impression of doom on its way.  He heads toward the main room, where the residents of the facility are leaded during the day, when the weather doesn’t allow them to enjoy the beautiful garden surrounding the building.

However, for the first time in five years, he pauses at the doorway, as he immediately notices the vacant place by the window.

Olivia isn’t here.

Going backward, he heads toward the stairs and stops, before taking the first step. A few seconds later, as he reaches the first floor and finally arrives in front of Olivia’s room, he suddenly realizes that he _knows_ something happened. Opening the door and peering inside, barely able to keep his eyes open for fear of what he will see, his heart accelerates when he notices the unmade bed and the empty room.

“M. Cole?”

As he turns up, Sarah, a nurse who takes care of his sister and that he has known and appreciated for a few years now, is standing in front of him, a sombre look on her usual pretty face, which seems less beautiful now, or is it just an impression? Aidan doesn’t know, because it seems he can’t breathe normally and that his heart is about to explode with the loud thump-thump that is beating against his rib cage and echoing in his ears.

“She is at the hospital. We couldn’t reach you. Your brother-in-law didn’t call you?”

Aidan doesn’t respond, as he isn’t sure what sound his voice is able to do at the moment, but he takes out his cell from his jacket’s pocket and of course, it’s off. The battery is dead.

“Fuck.” Aidan is paralyzed. What does it mean? Is she going to be okay? How could it happen so fast? Why? How? Realizing that he has to move, to do something, _anything_ , he asks, “Do you have a phone?”

“Of course; this way,” Sarah gestures toward the end of the corridor and Aidan follows her.

Two minutes later, after having finally spoken with Samuel - and understanding that the man is a mess right now, and therefore hadn’t been able to think clearly and to call him to the loft, or to call Brian for that matter – Aidan is standing without moving, with the phone still in his hand.

His sister has pneumonia.

_Fuck._

Aidan understands immediately. He senses _it_.

It’s the end.

What he also understands at that moment, is that even if he told himself he was prepared for this, having seen his sister declined for many years now, he really _isn’t._ A sense of dread comes over him, as he thinks of what Olivia’s death really means. It means he can’t run and hide anymore. He has to face his own truth, even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. He just hopes that fate will spare him. If not… life will never be the same.

* * *

A minute later, when he finally hears Brian’s voice greeting him with a professional voice on his cell, certainly not recognizing the number he calls with, he doesn’t recognize his own voice.

“Brian… She… I…” It seems he isn’t able to form a simple sentence, as he isn’t able to think properly.

“Where are you?” Brian’s voice is full of concern, having understood immediately that something is definitively wrong.

“The facility… but I have to go… the hospital… she could be gone if I don’t… I can’t…” Aidan is lost, unable to explain himself clearly.

“Aidan, listen to me. You’re by foot, so you’re going to wait for me and we will go to the hospital together, okay?” Aidan can hear Brian’s moving, seemingly already heading outside to take his car.

“Okay… Just…”

“I will be here as soon as I can, I promise. Just stay where you are.”

Hanging up, Aidan closes his eyes and allows the pain to embrace him for a minute. It’s really happening. This moment where you know things will never be the same anymore, as a part of your life is going to disappear forever, with no possible return.

Aidan takes a deep breath and finally open his eyes. Nothing has changed and yet, everything is about to change. He walks through the facility and finally reaches the entrance, and with one final look inside, he leaves.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

Driving as fast as he can, Brian finally arrives at the facility exactly nine minutes later. His partner’s face is closed, impassive. As Aidan enters the car, Brian takes his hand and squeezes it, but Aidan doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even seem to be here.

When they arrive at the hospital, Samuel is waiting for them outside the room. He looks worn out. When he notices the two men approaching, he smiles at them sadly and hugs Aidan for long seconds. Then, Aidan walks in the room and goes to sit next to Olivia, who is lying unconscious on the bed, all small and fragile, _dying_. Aidan takes his hand and caresses her hair. Samuel and Brian stay outside, looking at the scene through the window of the room.

Brian is the first to break the silence. “When did it happen?”

Samuel sighs, “The facility called me this morning. It seems her body is shutting down. She just can’t fight anymore.”

Brian doesn’t say anything and watches as his partner is seemingly talking to her quietly. Finally, he asks, “How long…”

“Hard to tell… a few days, maybe a week at the most… It’s not going to be long now.”

“Your children?”

“I called them an hour ago. They’re going to be there soon.”

* * *

That day, Brian notices the strange mood his partner is in. He doesn’t comment, not wanting to add anything to deal with to Aidan, who doesn’t leave his sister’s side for a second until her last breath.

When Olivia dies three days later, Aidan doesn’t cry. He just kisses her one last time and leaves the room. When Brian makes it clear that he wants to be by his side, Aidan refuses, saying that he needs to be alone with his thoughts, and that he will call him later. Brian isn’t happy about it, but he understands everybody has his own way to deal with the passing of a loved one. So, he lets Aidan go, without trying to stop him.

Of course, he doesn’t know at the time that Aidan won’t call him for ten days, or he never would have agreed with Aidan’s decision.

* * *

**_Ten days later_ **

“Where the fuck have you been?”

Brian is deadly furious, the constant worry he has felt for the past ten days finally taking the upper hand as he hears his partner’s voice for the first time since watching him leave the hospital. Aidan didn’t even attend his sister’s funeral. How could he do this? Brian thought he knew his partner, but at the moment, he isn’t sure he knows him at all. How could he disappear without at least a fucking text for the past ten days? Doesn’t he care at all? About him? About his family?

“Brian…”

“Don’t…” Brian warns. Taking a deep breath, he tries to control his anger, but it’s impossible. “Do you have any idea how fucking worried I was? I left you a hundred messages, and you couldn’t even take one fucking minute to let me know you were all right? Fuck!” He paces in the loft, his hand on his forehead, before finally stopping by the window.

Aidan doesn’t even fight. “I’m sorry.”

_Fucking bullshit._

“No, you’re not,” Brian accuses.

“Okay.”

Brian sighs. “Aidan…” He had been so angry, but also so scared, not knowing where his partner was, and how he was feeling in the wake of Olivia’s death.  Still, even if he is relieved to hear his voice now, the anger is still definitely winning.

“Brian, I needed time. To think, to know what I want, to…”

That makes Brian react.  “What the fuck are you talking about? You don’t know what you want now? What’s next? You’re going to disappear again?” Aidan doesn’t answer, enraging Brian even more. “Answer me, damn it!”

“I… It’s not that simple… I…” Aidan pauses, and Brian feels his heart beating hard.

Realizing that his lover is not going to explain any further, and not wanting to talk about it over the phone, Brian asks, “Where are you?” He is suddenly extremely tired, and even if he is more furious with the man than ever, he still wants his partner to come home.

“I’m in New York.”

_What?!_

“New York?”

“I went to see Simon. I needed to speak with someone… you know…and to deal with… things…”

Brian doesn’t know how to feel about that, even if he can understand how Aidan would want to talk with his friend, a person who knew Olivia before, and who hadn’t been so involved in her life like the members of her family. Yet, he would have wanted to help Aidan, to be there for him. He feels useless. Aren’t partners supposed to be there for each other? Or is Brian so stupid he can’t help his own lover? Why is this happening? Brian doesn’t understand.

Finally, Brian says out loud the question he has wanted to ask since the beginning of their conversation. “When are you coming back?”

“Tonight.”

Brian closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before answering, “Okay.”

“Brian?” Aidan’s voice seems so small and sad, and Brian finally feels his anger slowly slipping away.

“What?”

Aidan pauses and Brian is about to ask him if he is still here when he hears the words, “I love you.” His voice seems to break on the last word and Brian wants to throw something when he hears the sorrow in Aidan’s voice.

_Fuck you._

_I love you, too._

“I want you here; just come home, okay?” Brian’s anger has vanished now.

“I will see you tonight.”

Five minutes later, Brian is still standing by the window. He feels drained. He doesn’t know why, but something in Aidan’s voice makes him uneasy. And fucking scared.

 _I must be imagining it; it’s just another fucking hard moment to go through._ Still, while Brian’s mind is trying to stay optimistic, Brian’s heart seems to already know. Like a full circle, Olivia’s death has awakened fate once more, and the wheel is already turning.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan comes back, or does he? And Michael receives a phone call...

**Brian’s POV**

Aidan comes home that night after having disappeared on his partner for ten days.

When Brian observes him entering the loft and scanning the room to see if he’s there, he doesn’t move. He takes advantage of the moment to  _ really _ look at his lover from his half-hidden spot on the sofa, and unsurprisingly he doesn’t like what he sees at all.

Aidan is a mess. Anyone, even people who wouldn’t know him, could see it. His face is worn out, and it looks like he hasn’t had a shave in a long time; by the way he moves, Brian can recognize a defeated man, as if Aidan has been beaten down by his own life. Brian feels a deep pang in his chest at the sight, and forgets all about his previous anger.

As he finally reveals his presence, Aidan looks at him with so many emotions in his usually beautiful eyes, Brian can’t stand it. He takes the few steps separating them and pulls his lover into a tight embrace. Aidan grips him like he is his only connection to life, a lifeline that is the only thing standing between himself and drowning.

“Brian…”

“Don’t talk,” Brian whispers in his ear. “You’re exhausted.”

“I…” Aidan is already crying silently, but Brian can still hear the catch in his voice, indicating he would lose it completely if he wasn’t trying so hard to control his emotions.

“Not now.” Brian pulls back reluctantly, but he wants to be able to look Aidan in his eyes. “We will talk later. Now, you’re going to sleep; you look like shit.”

That makes Aidan smile a little. “You really know how to make a guy feel really special.”

Trying to lighten the mood for his partner’s sake, Brian retorts with a softer tone of voice, “Hey, you wouldn’t want me to be a hypocrite now, would you?”

Aidan laughs lightly. “Well, no; I wouldn’t like you as much if you were.”

“You just  _ like _ me? You’re sure?” While saying this, Brian has begun to tickle Aidan, who isn’t able to resist.

“Okay, no! Stop it!” Aidan’s tears are replaced by a laugh, as he tries to escape Brian’s fingers. “I love you! You’re the best!” Satisfied with Aidan’s answer, Brian finally stops his assault.

“Very well, Mr. Cole. You deserve an A+ for your praise.” Brian takes Aidan’s cheek in his hand and brushes a tear away. “Now that you’ve come back to your senses again, you will do as I tell you, meaning you will go and have a much-needed rest.” Brian pauses, pretending to think some more before adding, “Of course, I will go with you; I wouldn’t want you to forget why I’m the best.”

Aidan looks at him then, and Brian sees something that he can’t identify, but a furtive thought creeps into his mind.

_ Something is definitely wrong. _

However, as soon as the thought crosses his mind, Aidan smiles at him and leads him to the bedroom, making Brian forget all about his previous conclusion.

* * *

Unfortunately, Brian will realize way too late that he should have talked with Aidan about Olivia’s death and its consequences. As a day turns into a week, and then into a month, Brian and Aidan never take the time to talk about what happened in January.

Avoidance.

At first, Brian waits for the right time to bring up Aidan’s disappearance. Yet, he never  _ was _ good when it came to talking about his feelings in the past, or relationships for that matter, and that didn’t change over time. Every time he tries to find the courage to do it, Aidan’s look and demeanor stop him, as if there was something insurmountable there. Consequently, the more Brian waits, the more impossible it is for him to ask his lover for an explanation.

Moreover, Aidan is not himself, and the more time that goes by, the more Brian feels his partner is slowly slipping through his fingers. As if that wasn’t enough, Brian doesn’t know what to do to make it stop so he can have his partner back. Aidan is withdrawn and depressed, and whenever Brian tries to call him on it, Aidan just leaves or doesn’t respond at all. By the middle of February, Brian is pretty sure he is going to go crazy if things don’t get resolved soon.

The worst part is when Aidan just grips him in his arms, often just after having sex, and seems to not want to let him go at all. Brian doesn’t understand Aidan’s reaction, and in moments like these, he feels such a deep pain for his partner. Many times he tries to reassure him, saying words like “I’m right here,” or “I’m not going anywhere.” But Aidan just hugs him tighter, if possible. Furthermore, when Brian quietly tries to ask him what is going on, Aidan just shakes his head, so Brian does not persist, sensing that his partner can’t take it and will break down if he does. At times like these, he is more worried than ever.

However, Brian can’t foresee what is going to happen at the end of February.

One day, as he comes back to the loft on his lunch break to retrieve a file he had forgotten that morning before going to work, he finds Aidan’s suitcase by the door.

_ What the fuck? _

Taking a few steps into the loft, he hears noises coming from the bathroom, giving him a few needed moments to recover, but also to question himself. What is going on here? Why is Aidan’s luggage sitting by the door? Brian can’t believe it’s really happening. Is Aidan planning to leave him? If so, why? What the fuck has he  _ done _ ?

Lost in his own thoughts, looking at the floor in the direction of the apparent proof that Aidan is intending on leaving soon, Brian doesn’t hear Aidan’s steps coming closer.

“Brian?”

Hearing his name falling from the lips of his partner, Brian raises his head and finally stares at the man who has shared his life for the past six years. He feels like he is looking at a stranger. “Care to explain to me what this is all about? Or, are you going to run away from me  _ again _ like a fucking coward?” Brian’s anger is so strong, he doesn’t think twice before spilling the hurtful words.

“No!” Aidan exclaims, seemingly feeling like Brian has slapped him with the deadly tone of his voice. Taking a step closer, without coming too close for fear of being rejected, Aidan repeats more calmly. “No.”

Brian’s stare doesn’t leave him, but he doesn’t say a word. He just raises his eyebrows in a silent invitation for his partner to give him an explanation.

_ You better have a good one for this, believe me. _

“I…Robert called me this morning. He needs a photographer in Africa…” Aidan begins, then stops, letting the words sink in.

“And?” Brian is not stupid. He knows there is more to it than that.

Aidan finally says what he has neglected to mention in his previous announcement. “It’s a three-month assignment.”

“Three months?”

“Yeah. I…I think it might be good for me to go. I need to take a break from Pittsburgh.” Aidan is pleading with his eyes for Brian to understand.

_ No such luck. _

“Take a break…” The words ring in Brian’s brain.

“Brian…” Aidan tries to come closer, but Brian raises his hand.

“No. Save your breath.”  _ And fuck you. _ “I think it’s pretty clear.” Brian turns with the firm intention of putting some distance between them. Furthermore, he doesn’t want Aidan to see his true feelings over what is happening.

“No.” Aidan goes after him. “You have to believe me.” A desperate edge can be heard in his voice, which makes Brian close his eyes, as if to protect himself from what he might hear. “Whatever is happening to me now has nothing to do with you.”

Brian turns around then, because he wants to know if Aidan is telling the truth. He looks into his mesmerizing gaze as Aidan adds, “I love you so fucking much.”

_ So why would you want to leave, then? Especially now? _

Aidan comes closer then, and reaches with his hand to touch Brian’s cheek. Brian doesn’t move. His heart is beating fast, and his gaze is drowning in Aidan’s piercing, green eyes. However, Aidan’s next words feel like a slap on his face, and not the caress that was there a second ago.

“But I have to go.” Aidan takes a step back.

“You already made your decision.” Brian’s voice is cold once again. He feels a fury in his mind that he can’t control. He isn’t even sure he is angry with Aidan per se, but at the moment, he is unable to control himself. So, in true Kinney fashion, he lashes out at his lover. “I’m just curious. Were you planning to say it to me  _ before _ or  _ after _ you left? Maybe you were planning on sending me a postcard or something?”

“Brian…”

“Don’t you fucking dare “Brian” me! You…What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you hiding from me? Do you really think I’m so stupid that I don’t know when my partner is lying to my face? I’m pretty sure Robert didn’t call you this morning. Since when does he call you at the last minute? Or is planning a trip to Africa so easy for him?” Brian is shouting now. “Do you really think I don’t know you at all? That I am  _ that _ stupid?” While speaking, Aidan has turned around to put some distance between him and his partner; therefore, Brian is now following him and shouting at him around the loft. “So explain it to me, Mr. Cole. If you so love me like you claim you do, then why are you leaving?”

“Stop.” Aidan is pleading with him, nearly covering his ears with his hands to stop the words from entering his brain, but Brian doesn’t care.

“YOU stop lying to me!”

“I’m not lying!” Aidan shouts back, turning to face his partner.

Brian doesn’t believe him, obviously. “You can do better than that!”

“Fuck you!” Aidan puts his hands on his face, rubbing it, before looking at Brian once more. “Okay, Robert called me two weeks ago! Happy now? I just couldn’t find the courage to tell you, not after…”

“You mean after the thing we can’t talk about...your ‘grandiose’ disappearance? Yeah, how convenient!” Brian retorts sarcastically.

Aidan tries again. “Brian, please…”

“No. I’m sorry, Aidan, I can’t. Just…” Brian takes a deep breath and looks at the ceiling, shaking his head before looking at Aidan. He can’t believe the fight they are having, and the anger he feels.

Yet, he also can’t let his partner just leave him like this for three months. So, with all the effort he can muster, he calms himself and finally states, “If you need to go, just go. But don’t expect me to understand. Because I don’t. I can’t.” Brian’s voice breaks on the last word, revealing the pain he is feeling over his partner’s decision. Then, he comes closer without touching Aidan, simply looking at him intently. “Just promise me one thing before you go on this assignment.”

“What?” Aidan seems defeated, even more so now that their fight is coming to an end.

“Don’t you fucking disappear on me again. Give some news, okay? And…whatever you’re hiding, or feeling or…whatever the hell it is, I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

They stare at each other for long seconds, and during that time Brian’s heart breaks a little more over the obvious ordeal his partner is going through. He is still furious with him, but seeing him like this, looking lost and helpless over the events he is facing, Brian can’t help it. He takes the two steps separating them and pulls Aidan into his arms. Aidan hugs him so fucking tight he can hardly breathe. Brian can’t take it and kisses him then, a kiss tinged with love and sorrow and something desperate, powerful. When Brian pulls back, separates himself from Aidan’s body, and finally leaves the loft without a word, the file he was coming for remains forgotten on his desk.  He feels like he is going to suffocate because of the seemingly never-ending contraction in his chest.

* * *

**Michael’s POV**

The afternoon is just beginning to surrender to the comfort of the evening to come, and Michael Novotny is reading a new comic book in his shop, waiting for more customers to enter and for his professional day to end. As he turns yet another page like an anxious teenager who can’t wait to devour his favorite book, he hears the ring indicating a customer is arriving, signally that, unfortunately, his reading is going to be momentarily interrupted. However, as he looks up, he is happy to see his best friend’s back while he is closing the door. Still, as he closes the comic he is holding and finally notices Brian’s strained face, the beginning of the smile that was going to appear on his face immediately leaves.

“What happened to  _ you _ ?” Michael doesn’t even greet his friend properly, knowing that being polite is not what Brian expects right now.

Brian snorts and half-laughs before posting himself in front of Michael and looking intently into his eyes. They stare at each other for several seconds, and Michael reaches the conclusion that he doesn’t like what he is seeing. Whatever happened had to be bad.

He raises his hand then and softly grips Brian’s arm in an unspoken invitation to confide in him. Brian sighs and closes his eyes at the touch before opening them again.

_ I haven’t seen this look in his eyes since…Fuck… _

“Where is Aidan?” Michael is pretty sure he already knows, but he wants to be sure.

“He left…”

_ Double Fuck. _

“…for three months.”

_ Oh…What?  _ “What? Why?”

Brian shakes his head. “Not sure…He said he needed to take a break from Pittsburgh, after Olivia’s death, obviously.” Brian pauses and adds, “I just…I don’t understand. He said it wasn’t me, but…”

“It’s  _ not _ because of you,” Michael interrupts him. Even if he doesn’t understand why Aidan would feel the need to escape, either, he is sure of one thing. Aidan loves Brian. He has seen the two of them enough together to know when two men are in love. And Aidan adores his partner. So, if he had to leave, it has to be for another reason. “Whatever you’re thinking right now, just stop.”

Michael looks intently at Brian, with the look of a determined man who isn’t going to stop repeating what he knows is the truth; not until his friend believes him. Under Michael’s stare, Brian’s eyes soften, and he finally takes his friend in his arms.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Brian whispers in Michael’s ears.

Michael doesn’t let him go. “You’re going to survive, as always. And you’re going to wait for him. Three months isn’t that long.”

They share a tight embrace for a few more seconds before finally breaking apart. Brian doesn’t say anything, but Michael knows he is grateful for his words. His hazel eyes are saying it better than any words he could use.

“I have to go,” Brian finally announces.

“Where are you going?”

“Gus,” Brian says by way of explanation. “I promise I would come and see him at soccer practice.”

Michael doesn’t want his friend to be alone right now. Moreover, he could take advantage of this opportunity to spend a little more time with him. “Can I come with you? It’s already near seven, and things have been pretty slow here. If you give me five minutes…”

Brian grins at Michael’s obvious stratagem to assure himself that he will be fine, and finally accepts his proposition. “You have exactly one minute and a half to get your pretty ass into my car. After that, you will be on foot.”

“Not fair! You wouldn’t do that!”

“One minute and twenty five seconds. Tick, tick, Mikey; the clock is turning.”

“I’m coming!” Michael takes care of a few things quickly, before grabbing his jacket and closing his shop. As he turns around, he can hear a car fast approaching as the ‘Vette makes a screeching halt right in front of him. Every time he sees it, Michael can’t believe Brian still has this old-fashioned car, even if it IS a ‘classic.’ Yet, the thought quickly leaves his mind as he gets in. He’s just too happy to be with his friend and to offer him his support, because with the recent events Brian and Aidan have been through lately, Michael suspects he needs it right now.

* * *

For the next three months, Michael tries to see Brian as often as possible. He knows the man is full of doubts regarding his future with Aidan, and he suspects that until the man returns, Brian won’t be able to find some peace about it. He himself doesn’t understand Aidan’s reaction, not really. He can’t help thinking if something as awful as what Aidan’s sister went through happened to a member of  _ his _ family, he would need to be with his loved ones, not far away from them. However, everybody deals with death in different ways, and he hasn’t experienced what the man has been through. Still, it’s weird, like something in Aidan’s decision is off somehow.

He has witnessed Brian and Aidan’s relationship growing stronger over the last five, even six years. When Brian met the man, he wouldn’t have believed for a minute that his friend would fall in love again. Yet, it really has happened. The world never ceases to amaze him, especially regarding Brian Kinney.

Some time ago, Brian confided to him that he had never forgotten Justin, not really. The young man had been his first love, and they hadn’t exactly broken up; or anyway, they hadn’t parted because they didn’t love each other. It was more like they loved each other  _ too _ much. Michael admires Brian in a way, because even if the man’s heart has been broken more times than he can count, between his fucking parents and Justin’s departure, he has survived. He  _ always _ survives. Michael suspects that Brian’s love for Justin is still there somewhere, deep inside of him, and that Brian will love him forever, in his own way, wherever he is. However, Brian loves Aidan, too, with all his heart, and Michael asks himself sometimes if people can imagine how deeply Brian can  _ feel _ . When he loves someone, there is nothing and no one who can stop him from doing what he thinks is right. Letting Justin go, or allowing Aidan to leave again, is just so ‘Brian.’ Michael isn’t sure he would have had the strength to do the same. He hopes he will never have to know.

Brian has had some news from Aidan. He has received three short phone calls since the end of February. Calling from Africa is not exactly easy, as Aidan is often in the field, and there is no telephone network in most areas. Still, Aidan has kept his promise by calling Brian to tell him he was okay. He should be back soon now, as June is fast approaching.

However, there is one thing Michael couldn’t have predicted in a million years.

One night at the end of May, as he is having a quiet dinner with his beautiful husband, the phone rings. Surprised to hear it, Michael gestures to his husband to stay seated and stands up to answer it. He is still smiling over a stupid story Ben has just told him about one of his students who arrived to his class with his girlfriend’s pants, because obviously he had been chased by a furious father who wanted to preserve his daughter’s virtue, and in his haste to leave, he had taken the wrong clothes.

“Hello, Novotny-Bruckner house, this is Michael speaking,” Michael greets the caller on the other end of the phone, still laughing from the previous exchange with his husband.

However, his smile freezes as he hears the voice on the phone.

“Michael?”

“Justin?” Michael is surprised, as he hadn’t heard from Justin in nearly a year. With time, their contacts have tended to become less frequent, even if they still speak on the phone sometimes.  They had even seen each other two years ago in Pittsburgh, during one of Justin’s too-rare visits. In a way, Michael hadn’t been surprised when the contacts decreased, since their lives have become so different. Still, he is really happy to hear his friend’s voice.

Looking at his husband’s questioning gaze and confirming with a nod that it is, indeed, Justin he is talking to, Michael smiles. “Hey, it’s good to hear from you. How are you?” Nevertheless, his surprise over hearing his friend’s voice turns into astonishment when he hears his answer.

“I’m moving back.”

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aidan returns from his assignment and faces Brian.

**_Early June, 2014_ **

**Aidan’s POV**

If a man would observe Aidan Cole exiting Pittsburgh International Airport on that Thursday afternoon, he would think the man seemed hesitant to finally reach the pavement of the front entrance. Moreover, his thought would be validated by the fact that Aidan paces and waits for twenty-two minutes before he finally hails a cab.

If this same person would look closer, he would also notice how tired he seems to be. His face is burned by too much sunlight, and marked by too little hydration. Also, there is something else here, and the observer would certainly question silently what is happening to this man. After all, it is human nature to speculate about other people’s lives. Maybe he would think Aidan Cole is coming back from a road trip with his girlfriend in a warm country that didn’t end well. Or maybe he would imagine him being a captain who had just lost his job, and is reluctant to come back as a failure to his family.

One thing is sure, though. He could never guess what is actually happening to Aidan Cole.

The reality is way more painful than anything the observer could come up with. Aidan is about to do the most difficult thing of his life; namely, he is going to leave the man who he considers his true love. Just the thought makes him ill, and if he hadn’t promised his lover he would come back, he isn’t sure he would have found the strength to face him physically to deliver the news that he is not staying. Yet, he owes it to the man, even if he  _ can’t  _ tell him the real reason for his imminent and final departure.

Why? Because he is pretty sure that if he did, he would not be able to leave. Brian wouldn’t let him.

Aidan can’t allow that.

So, he finally squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath and does what he has to do.

He is going to face his destiny.

* * *

**_Twenty minutes later_ **

As Aidan opens the door to the loft, he feels a rush of adrenaline coursing through his entire body. His heart is beating fast,  _ too  _ fast, and he is paralyzed. For a minute, he stays in front of the open door, without moving.

When he doesn’t hear a sound coming from inside, he is relieved and not really surprised. It’s too soon yet for Brian to be home. He makes his way inside, slowly walking around the place, stopping at strategic points where memories pop into his mind.

Memories. It’s all he is going to have soon. Still, even if it’s fucking painful to realize it, he wouldn’t change a thing and he definitely wouldn’t trade his memories for the greatest treasure of the world. These  _ are _ his greatest treasures.

Then, he takes the time to remove some items he will have to take with him, and finally he makes his way to the sofa.

Sitting still, he waits.

* * *

One hour later, the sound of the metal door being pushed open announces his partner’s arrival, as well as the fateful moment they are about to experience. Aidan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He senses immediately when Brian walks up behind him, surrounding the space with his forceful presence.

However, Aidan can’t move. For a minute, there is absolutely no sound echoing in the loft. The time seems to stop. Aidan is pretty sure Brian has seen him, and he fears what he might see on the other man’s face if he moves. In fact, he is also scared he will not have the strength to go through with his plan.

So he waits. Again.

Finally, after an interminable instant, he can hear shoes clattering against the floor and coming closer. Aidan’s eyes are still looking at the same spot straight ahead, toward the window. Then, Brian appears in his line of vision, positioning himself with the coffee table between them, like he wants to protect himself in a way. Aidan can’t blame him.

Aidan gazes up and at last, his eyes lock with hazel ones. His heart beats faster, if that is possible, under the scrutinizing stare of his partner. Brian’s gaze reveals nothing about what he might feel, and that is a surprise to Aidan, because he always congratulated himself on his accuracy in reading Brian’s mood. Seeing his lover standing still in front of him with an indecipherable gaze on his face makes Aidan realize that the damage to their relationship has already been done.

“You’re back.” Brian’s voice breaks the deafening silence surrounding them.

Aidan looks away and winces a little upon hearing Brian’s words, knowing he is not back for good, but leaving again. Therefore, he doesn’t respond. Of course, Brian knows him too well by now. His silence over his statement is enough to make his partner understand what is going on.

“You’re not staying.”

Aidan doesn’t know what to say. He isn’t even sure he  _ can _ say anything. There is a lump in his throat that stops him from emitting a sound, as he witnesses Brian’s mask slipping away momentarily before he asks his next question.

“ _ Why _ ?”

The question startles him. Brian doesn’t seem to challenge his leaving, like he already knew, or at least he suspected what was about to happen and has prepared himself for it. Aidan understands, of course, since his recent behavior could have been seen as a need to run away. It’s not a surprise. After all, Brian knows him better than anyone.

Yet, it breaks his heart to know that he is hurting his partner deeply in light of what he knows about Brian’s past. His childhood has left irreparable damages on Brian’s ability to feel loved. Furthermore, the departure of Justin, his first love, had hurt him deeply, even if no one was to blame for it back then.  It had been an act of love on both their parts. Aidan can relate to Justin, knowing the young man had no other choice but to leave. Their reasons might be different; but the pain has to be the same.

And the result is the same. Brian is going to be left behind, without any other options. How fair is that? Because of that reality, and the fact that he can’t tell Brian the truth about his departure, Aiden feels so guilty.  Brian will have no choice but to let him go, without really knowing why.

Aidan has thought about it over and over again. He has tried to find a solution,  _ any _ solution that wasn’t this one. He wants nothing more than to stay with Brian for the rest of his life.

Still, he can’t do that. He just hopes that one day Brian will forgive him, because the alternative is not acceptable. Knowing that his partner, the man he loves more than his own life, might forever hate him for what he is about to do is unbearable.

He will tell him one day, one way or another, after Brian has moved on with his life, and when he no longer has waited for him to change his mind and return home. That day, he will explain to him his reasons, will tell him how sorry he was that he couldn’t confide in him at the time, and will beg for his forgiveness. He will follow through with that promise to himself, even if he is pretty sure Brian will not agree with what he has done, and would have wanted him to stay no matter what.

But that day is not today. Today, he has to lie by omission, and he hates it with all his heart. Still, he has no choice.

So, to answer Brian’s question, Aidan has only one thought in mind.

“I have to.”

“That’s not an answer.” Brian tries again. “You’re fucking leaving me after five years together without an explanation, and you expect me to take your answer and just say ‘Okay, no problem’?” Brian doesn’t seem angry with him, just defeated, which actually is even worse. Aidan understands now that his partner  _ already _ knew.

“No.”

Brian shakes his head. “I don’t understand, Aidan. I thought...I thought we were...”

“Good?” Aidan laughs, the laugh of a bitter man. “We were.”

Brian comes closer and finally stands next to him. “So, what? You can’t fucking leave just like this...”

“As a matter of fact, I can. And I will.”

Aidan stands up then and looks at his lover. “Open your eyes, Brian.” He tilts his head, wanting to capture Brian’s gaze. “You are going to be okay. You will move on, as you always did in the past when life decided to throw shit your way. You won’t look back. There is still a lot for you to discover. You’re a good man, one of the best men I have ever known. You will survive without me. It will be hard at first, but you will do it. I know it’s not fair. I know you have been down this path before. I’m so fucking sorry to do this to you, to us. Please believe me when I say it kills me. But you  _ will _ survive.” Brian resists, backing down a few steps with a pained look on his face.

Aidan insists, using a calm and forceful voice, “You will survive.”

Brian looks at him then, a vulnerable look on his face. Aidan takes the opportunity to come closer and tell him a truth he has never doubted.

“I love you. I will  _ always _ love you. Never doubt that. Remember that time in the subway, the first time I saw you? I felt it even then, you know? The connection. I will always remember you, spread out on the floor with that woman collapsed in your arms. You were irresistible even then.” Aidan smiles at the memory.

“Fuck, Aidan...” They stare at each other, Brian understanding that no words will change what is about to happen.

Brian’s next words make Aidan freeze slightly, the emotion so strong over Brian’s reaction.

“I know that there is something I am missing here...”  Brian comes closer. “I know you. You wouldn’t leave me if you thought you had a choice.” Brian reaches for his cheek, as Aiden struggles not to start crying. “I’d just hoped you’d tell me, but I’m pretty sure you’ve made up your mind already.”

They look at each other for a long moment, and finally Brian takes a deep breath. “I won’t stop you. I’ll let you leave, because obviously I can’t chain you to me to make you stay. But I can’t let you leave without telling you...”

Aidan’s heart suddenly stops. He is physically feeling he is about to lose it, and can see everything happening in slow motion.

“Brian...”

“I love you.”

“Stop,  _ please. _ ..”

“No.” Brian eyes are looking at him so intently Aidan thinks he is going to suffocate. The tears are now freely running down his cheeks, and he swears his heart is about to explode.

Seeing Aidan losing it doesn’t stop Brian, as he repeats the words he never stated before, even if it wasn’t a secret; Aidan has never doubted it. “I love you.”

The events that follow will be forever etched in both their minds. They kiss one last time, and as Brian pushes his cock into Aidan a few minutes later, both men needing this last connection before moving on with their lives, Aidan feels a myriad of emotions. Heartbreak, of course, but also a strange peace washing over him, knowing he has done the right thing. His heart might be damaged forever, but he’d rather have a damaged heart than go on with his life without any damage at all. He will never regret meeting Brian Kinney, and having the man in his life for almost six years, no matter how painful leaving him might be.

* * *

**_Two weeks later_ **

**Justin’s POV**

It’s Justin Taylor’s last day as a European citizen, and he’s sitting on a bench on “Le Champ de mars” near the Eiffel Tower. He observes the people coming and going, their faces reflecting their mood or their determination. Some are lost in thought; others are laughing with their companion or just talking animatedly, and Justin muses about their lives. Is that young woman happy, the one that is walking fast with her IPod in her hand, listening to music and shutting herself off from the world? And is that old man walking his dog single and alone? Or will he join his beloved wife or his partner later? Where do they live, and how are they feeling?

Justin is nostalgic. This life, this town, had been his home for quite a long time now. He loves the atmosphere, the never-ending life that seems to burst from every street corner he travels. At the same time, he hates it, too, because people just don’t care about whoever they encounter every day, too busy thinking about their own lives and worrying about what little time they have to do what they need to do to, to simply look around and open their eyes.

Living in such a big town is a paradox, as the more people you have around you, the less people are interested in who  _ you _ are. You’re just a nameless face who will disappear from their minds as soon as the day is over, or even earlier.

Still, Justin feels nostalgic, watching the scene playing out in front of him. But he is also feeling something else creeping into his mind.

He is  _ serene. _ For the first time in a long time, he really feels like he is in total control of his life again. He already was, of course, but deciding to return to the States brings a new sense of peace to his life, and hope. Hope for a better life, surrounded by his friends and his family. He feels now that he has completely fulfilled his aspirations, and that he might have it all in the end.

He would be lying if he said that going back doesn’t worry him at all. After all, his friends haven’t seen him in seven years, or at least very rarely. He doesn’t know what changes time has brought to all their lives, not yet. Still, he doesn’t care. He’s just too happy to finally be going home.

But then he can’t help but let his thoughts drift to his former lover, Brian Kinney, the man he once referred to as ‘the face of God.’

Thinking of his first love, the man he had to leave behind to fulfil his dream of being an artist, and more importantly, to become his own man, still brings mixed thoughts to his mind. He has never really forgiven himself for leaving, even if he  _ knows _ it was the right thing to do at the time. He had done it for them. Everybody who would question it, thinking Justin had called all the shots and had never thought that he was making a mistake, would be deadly wrong. Brian had given him so much. He had given him his love, his  _ heart _ . More importantly, he had made him feel complete again, and had given him the greatest treasure in the world: his  _ freedom _ to become the man he was meant to be. And Justin has done all he could to honor his gesture.

So, was it surprising that Justin never succeeded in forgetting the man? Of course not. Justin still thinks that Brian Kinney is the greatest man he has ever met in his life. He will always love him in a way.

Nevertheless, all that Justin ever wanted for Brian was for him to be happy and healthy. He wants Brian Kinney to have the life he deserves, even if he is no longer a part of it. And yes, he still thinks of the man as his true love, even if he thinks it’s not his place anymore to feel that way.

He doesn’t want to disturb Brian’s life. That is the main reason he has hesitated even thinking about returning home before. Brian is in love with another man, and definitely happy, according to all his friends. He knows going back isn’t going to change that. Yet, he doesn’t know why, but until now, he hasn’t wanted to take a chance. Staying away from Pittsburgh was safer in Justin’s mind, for both of them.

Now, Justin knows that excuse was ridiculous. Truthfully, he was just scared of going back and  _ witnessing  _ that everyone had moved on with their lives. Hearing it on the phone, and seeing it with his own eyes, are two different things. The stranger’s words at the gallery had definitely helped him understand the truth about his avoidance over moving back; the main reason was that he wasn’t ready to witness Brian’s happiness until now, preferring to stay away and escape the possible complications. Does that make him a bad person?

Yet, the conversation with the mysterious man has helped Justin to put things in a new perspective. Justin has realized that he can’t use Brian as a pretext not to go home. He is not a man who hides; he never was. He is the kind of man who fights for what he wants, who doesn’t give up. He has been through so much already. His coming out to his father, the prom and its consequences, being with Brian, Brian’s cancer, Babylon’s bombing, his departure for New York and later for Europe, his relationship with Thomas...He feels sometimes as if his life is the storyline for a drama show.

Now, he is ready to see it all. He will offer his friendship to Brian and nothing more,  _ if _ the man wants it. If not, he will respect his choice. As he said, all that matters is that Brian is happy and loved.

Moreover, it’s been seven years, and Justin has changed a lot. He isn’t the kid he was when he left. He is a thirty-one-year-old accomplished artist who is finally going back to his hometown. He’s not even sure he is going to reconnect with all his friends, or with Brian. Time does change things. When once you were on the same page and shared the same feelings about love and life, the experiences your path have brought you can change that. Then, people become strangers, and you sometimes think your memory is playing tricks with reality.

Still, Justin doesn’t care. It’s a fear he is ready to face. Once he has made up his mind, he is not going backward. He wants to take the chance. He misses his home so much, and he hopes with all his heart that it still exists; that he will find again that feeling of being where you belong.

No matter what, he will endure, and maybe he will meet some nice guy along the way. Maybe he will find true happiness.  Sometimes, he forgets that he is still so young and that his life is not behind him. He has a lot to live yet. Furthermore, he already has a plan to open a gallery in Pittsburgh, and can’t wait to face that new challenge.

More importantly, he will definitely be there for Brian if the man needs him at some point in his life. That’s the least he can do after all the things he has done for him. He wouldn’t be here today, on this bench, a renowned artist at only thirty-one, if not for Brian.  Of that he is certain.

So, looking one last time at the townscape nearby, he finally stands up, ready to spend one last evening with the friends he is going to leave behind. Peter has organized a farewell party, which is supposed to be a surprise, even if hiding it from Justin is like someone mistaking Emmett for an alpha male. In other words, it’s impossible.

Justin will leave some real friends here. First, there is Peter obviously, who freaked out when Justin announced to him a month ago that he had decided to go back to the States. Justin will miss him the most. There is also Mr. Dale, who has embraced London fully now, but who visits him in Paris frequently. Mr. Dale is a father figure in Justin’s life, and has helped him so much in the past seven years. After Brian, he is the second man who has made him the person he is today, at least professionally. And, of course, there is also Pierre and Louise Cohen, who have helped him a lot this past year.

Justin hates goodbyes.

However, knowing that in two days he will be back at his Mom’s temporarily in order to begin a new life warms his heart.

So, tonight he will laugh, cry, and give out some hugs, issuing promises to keep his friends here in the loop and make plans to see them again soon, even if everybody knows things rarely work out that way. He will physically feel how grateful he is for these people who have been with him these past several years, supporting him.  He will treasure these last few moments in Paris forever.

And tomorrow, he will go home.

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emmett and Michael have a chat. Michael realizes he has to see Brian...

**Michael’s POV**

June is slowly progressing, bringing long hours of daylight flooding through the large windows of Michael’s shop, and the dark-haired man is presently talking animatedly with a customer about the latest issue of one of his biggest sellers. The young teenager in front of him reminds him of his younger self when he was just a goofy child who saved each cent to purchase the newest edition of the  _ Captain Astro  _ comic.

It’s one o’clock already, and he hasn’t eaten yet. Therefore, he is delighted to see his friend Emmett walking through the door a few minutes later, bearing a paper bag from which a tantalizing smell arises. His stomach growling in anticipation, he smiles at his friend gratefully as he moves to greet him.

“Emmett! What are you doing here?”

“Hey, handsome! I was at the diner and your mom was there, telling everybody you probably were going to skip lunch again, so I thought I would come to say hi and bring you a little food!”

“Uh, huh...” Michael laughs. “Not that I’m not thrilled about your impromptu visit, but are you sure that’s the  _ only _ reason?” He picks up the bag and turns to head back to the counter, his friend following him.

“Well...” Emmett looks guilty. “I heard our little Sunshine is coming home.”

Michael shakes his head slightly, not that surprised. _ I knew it...Gossip is the most powerful drug for a gay man like my friend here. _

“Yeah,” he confirms. “He should be here any day now.” Looking at his friend, he adds, “It’s great, isn’t it? I mean, it’s weird after all this time to know that he is finally moving back, but...”

“Yes, you’re absolutely right, I can’t wait to see him!” Emmett responds with joy, clapping his hands.

Michael laughs at his friend’s antics. “You just love gossip, and Justin’s return is first-class gossip right now.”

Emmett seems to debate for a second between being outraged over that statement, or admitting his curiosity. He finally decides on the latter. “Okay, guilty as charged... But I am delighted our little artist is coming home, I swear!”

“Yeah, I knew you would be...” Michael takes the meal from his bag. “You want some?” he asks his friend, gesturing to the still hot sandwich in his hand with a nod of his head.

“No, thanks.” Emmett raises his hands in front of him. “I’m trying to keep my figure.”

Michael snorts. “As you wish.” He takes a mouthful and starts chewing, sighing in contentment.

Emmett asks his next question innocently. “Have you seen Brian?”

_ You’re as subtle as Maw, Emmett. _

“Yes.”

“How is he?” Emmett’s behavior changes with his words, showing a real concern over his friend’s current ordeal. He and Brian have never been that close, but they have a real respect for each other, and are family nonetheless.

Michael looks up at his friend, understanding he already knows about Aidan’s departure. “How do you  _ think _ ?”

Emmett shakes his head. “Ted told me Aidan is gone. How is that possible?”

Michael shrugs. He doesn’t know, but he knows firsthand what state of mind Brian is in.

* * *

The day Aidan came back and left again, nearly two weeks ago, Brian had called him, cryptically informing him he needed to see him immediately. The tone of his voice had scared Michael, and he had feared that something bad had happened. Fifteen minutes later, he had found Brian in his loft on the floor, a vacant stare on his face. Michael had sensed immediately that something was definitely wrong.

As a result, he had moved to sit next to Brian, leaning in a little closer after a few moments and laying the other man’s head on his shoulder, taking his friend in a half-hug and offering his silent support. Brian had spoken then, saying simply, “He’s gone.”

Michael’s heart had broken for his friend that day.  _ What? _ He couldn’t believe it. It really was happening,  _ again _ . Seriously? What the fuck was wrong with the men in Brian’s life? Michael knew that it hadn’t been Justin’s fault the first time, and he suspected Aidan’s reasons were much more complicated, but that didn’t mean it was fair for Brian to go through the pain of losing his partner all over again. And why did it have to happen again, anyway? Wasn’t once enough? Was Brian destined to stay alone, with no other choice but to let the men he loves go? What the fuck was wrong in this universe?

Hugging his best friend, he had felt him shaking his head against his shoulder, like he had wanted to deny what was happening. Soon enough, he had felt moisture on his shirt, silent proof that Brian was losing it. Then, the tears were replaced by sobs, and Michael had hugged him tighter for a long time.

The last straw had been when Brian finally lost it for good, suddenly standing up and taking the first object he could find - namely a chair - and throwing it all over the loft, destroying a lamp as well in the process.

Seeing his friend in this state of fury over what was happening had been hard for Michael, because he knew the pain Brian was feeling had to be eating his friend alive.

That day, exhaustion had finally claimed Brian in a fitful sleep. Michael had stayed by his side all night, wanting to do more, yet knowing his presence and support were the only things he could offer then.

The next day, neither man had said a word about the events that had taken place the day before. Still, when Brian had left to go to work, he had hugged Michael and whispered two words:

_ Thank you. _

Of course, the stare they had shared while the words were spoken had been even more significant than the words themselves.

Leaving Brian, Michael had called Ted to tell him the news, and more importantly, to ask him to keep an eye on him and to call him anytime. Hanging up, Michael couldn’t help but think over and over again how unfair it was.

* * *

Back at the store, Michael realizes he has let his thoughts take the upper hand and therefore, he hasn’t heard Emmett’s last sentence.

“What?”

“I said, is Brian alright?”

“Not really.” Michael has tried to be there a lot for his friend since that day, but Brian seems devoid of any emotion. Every time Michael witnesses his vacant stare, he can’t help but worry even more.

Emmett continues, “I can’t believe this is happening. He and Aidan were so great together, it’s incomprehensible. Did Brian explain to you why he left?”

“No.” That’s true. To this day, Michael doesn’t know a thing about what really happened, just that Brian had seen Aidan and that he had left again, this time for good, apparently. Michael doesn’t really want to ask questions. He figures if his best friend wants to talk about it, he will. Or maybe he should ask him? He doesn’t know.

“So...”

Michael looks at Emmett then. His friend is a real gossip.

“Does he know... _ you _ know...?”

“What?” Michael frowns in light of Emmett’s hesitation.

“About Justin...”

“Justin...No.” Michael shakes his head. He hasn’t found the strength to tell Brian yet. When Justin called him three weeks ago, he had considered telling him, but had dismissed the idea. Brian had still been worried about Aidan at the time, and Michael hadn’t wanted to add anything to his plate, so to speak. Of course, he couldn’t predict what was going to happen, and now seemed like an even worse time to tell him. Still, he has to at some point. Michael can’t imagine Brian’s reaction if he was to see Justin again, or how would he feel about being kept in the dark about his return.  Nobody has told him yet, and nobody wants to. Still Michael or someone else needs to, and fast.

“And...”

_ Now, what? _

“Does Justin know?”

“Huh?”

“That Aidan is gone?”

“I...”  _ Fuck, I hadn’t even thought about that. _ “No...But it’s not like it changes anything right now.”

“Uh...” Emmett seems to disagree.

“What?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know.” In response to Michael’s pointed look, he finally decides to share his thoughts. “It’s just... I can’t help but ask myself if Justin’s return now isn’t a twist of fate, you know? I mean, he’s the first lover who left him, and now that Aidan is doing the same, Justin’s coming home without having a clue about what Brian is going through.”

Michael can’t believe what he is hearing. “You’re not seriously thinking of the two of them getting back together, are you?”

“No, of course not! Brian just lost his partner! But the more I think about it, the more I tell myself it’s going to be pretty awkward between them. Who knows what Brian’s reaction will be, especially knowing what is happening to him right now? I just hope nobody gets hurt again, even if this time I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be Brian.”

“Fuck...” Emmett is right. Brian’s current state of mind could be dangerous for Justin, since he knows the two of them, especially Justin, still have unresolved feelings regarding their former relationship. Would Brian use his pain as an excuse to hurt him, though? Michael doesn’t think so; yet, he is definitely going to have to tell both of them what is occurring in each other’s lives if he wants to avoid a useless, possible disaster.

“So, what are you doing tonight? I’m meeting with Ted and Blake at Woody’s with Liam, if you and your beautiful husband want to join us.”

“Thanks, Emmett, I’d love to, but I think I’ll pass.” Michael sighs. “I have to see Brian.”

* * *

**_Same day, evening, the loft_ **

Michael is standing in front of the door. Taking a deep breath, he knocks and waits for an answer.

A moment later, Brian is looking at him pointedly, obviously asking himself what excuse his best friend is going to find this time to invite himself into his place.

“I need to speak to you,” Michael announces as he walks uninvited into the loft, leaving his friend seemingly puzzled over his boldness.

_ ‘Cut the bullshit’ strategy,  _ Michael decides silently as he steps inside.  _ That’s my best chance at success. _

“Come on in, of course...” Brian responds sarcastically, looking at his best friend with a sweeping gesture of his arm before closing the door. Turning around, he joins Michael by the kitchen counter. “So?” Brian asks, leaning an elbow on it.

“So what?” Michael replies innocently, sitting on a stool.

Brian watches him, tongue-in-cheek, before replying, “I don’t know yet. But I’m pretty sure you’re going to tell me.”

Michael stares at Brian; the two men hold their gaze in a silent battle of wills. Finally, Michael gives up first and looks down. “Okay...” He gazes up. “You’re right. I need to tell you something.”

Brian snorts, straightening his back. “Really? I never would have guessed.”

Michael sighs, debating with himself about the best approach to take. Finally, he asks, “Are you okay?”   _ Nice, Michael, you couldn’t come up with something more lame? _

Brian half-laughs over Michael’s question, looking around. He finally states, in an ‘out-and-proud’ manner, “I’m great!”

“Brian...” Yeah, that was a stupid question, Michael knows. But he doesn’t want his friend to hide his true feelings from him.

Brian sighs as he stills his movement to stare over at him. “What do you want me to say?” he retorts, seemingly exasperated.

Michael doesn’t know what he wants to hear. Still, his friend’s partner just left him without explanation. He  _ might _ want to talk about it. “I don’t know... Have you heard anything else from him?”

Brian taps his fingers on the counter. “Yes, I did.”

_ What? _

“You did?” Michael is stunned. He really didn’t think that Aidan would stay in touch. From what he had understood, Aidan was gone for good.

Brian clears his throat. “ Well, not from Aidan directly. I talked to Samuel.”

_ Or course. That makes sense. Brian must have gone to see him. _

“Oh...” Now, Michael is curious. “And?”

Brian grins, but the grin doesn’t reach his eyes. “It seems Aidan has taken off with Noah.”

“His nephew?”

“Yeah; Aidan and Noah are going to work together in Africa for the time being. Noah has just graduated, so it’s a great opportunity for him.” Brian’s voice is betraying his emotions over the news.

“Wow... I mean, fuck...” Michael doesn’t understand. Brian snorts. “Did Samuel tell you...anything else?”

Brian shakes his head, as his mask furtively slips. “No, except that he has accepted a new position in Philly, so he will be moving soon. But concerning Aidan, I think he doesn’t know much.”

“And you?”

Brian looks up at his friend. “What  _ about _ me?”

Michael shrugs. He wants to help Brian, but he doesn’t know how. Maybe asking questions to make him talk might be a good thing. Or maybe not. Yet, he has to try. “Do you know why he...”

_ Why he left? _

“No. Not really...” Brian sighs, putting his two elbows on the counter and supporting his weight on them. “What I know is...” He seemingly looks at his fingers, but his stare is unfocused. “He wouldn’t have left me without a good reason...”

_ He is not saying what I think he is saying, is he? _

“You’re forgiving him?” To Michael, it seems Brian is trying to excuse Aidan. How can he do that? “I mean... I don’t understand how he could leave you without an explanation...”

“Mikey...” Brian replies quietly with deadly calm, hoping his friend will take the hint.

Michael doesn’t understand at first, however. “I mean, you were together for five...”

“Michael!” Brian’s voice stops him and Michael understands he is crossing a line.

Looking at his friend, he finally stands up and takes a step closer. “Sorry...”

Brian shakes his head, looking at the same point on the counter. Michael doesn’t move and is surprised when he hears his friend starting to speak again. “I don’t know why he left. But I  _ have to _ believe he had no choice in his mind but to do what he did; and I have to respect that. Because otherwise...”

Brian doesn’t finish his thoughts, but Michael hears him loud and clear.

_ Otherwise you would lose it completely... _

“Okay.” Michael has to support his friend. He has to stop himself from opening his big mouth on the matter. And deep down, he understands Brian’s point, and he truly hopes that he is right in a way, even if it doesn’t change anything about the result. Aidan is still gone, and Brian is still hurt.

_ Fuck you, Aidan _ . At least, Michael can always be angry on his friend’s behalf, even if he can’t open his mouth about it, nor show it to Brian.

Finally, Brian rights himself and stares at Michael. “Now, what did you want to tell me?”

“Me? Nothing! I...”

“Michael...” Brian’s pointed look shuts Michael up immediately. He is not stupid and he knows Michael is not here to talk about Aidan. Or at least not  _ only _ that.

“Well...” Michael pauses and looks at Brian. His friend raises his eyebrows in a silent invitation to continue. “I needed to warn you about...um...” He doesn’t know why, but the words escape him at the moment. He looks up, visibly thinking.

“Mikey?” Brian lowers his head to capture Michael’s gaze and grabs his friend’s chin.

Michael frees himself from his grip and steps back. “Stop!”

“Do you think I have some hidden power to read your mind like Rage or something?” Brian watches as his friend goes to the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water. He knows it’s a delaying tactic so his friend can formulate what he wants to say, and for some reason it makes him anxious.

“No...” Michael takes a gulp after opening the bottle in his hand.  _ He is definitely stalling now. _

Brian notices and comes closer. “You’re right; I don’t. So just cut the bullshit and spill it, for fuck’s sake! You’re making me nervous.”

Michael looks contrite. “Sorry...”

“Michael!” Brian is losing his patience now.

“Okay! Okay, it’s about Justin.”

Brian is taken aback. “Justin? What  _ about _ him?” His face shows that he doesn’t have a clue about what Michael is trying to say. Then, seemingly thinking fast, Brian frowns, visibly worried. “Wait...Is he alright?”

“What? Oh, yeah! He is. It’s not about that,” Michael reassures his friend quickly.

Brian seems furious and puzzled, all at the same time. “So, if he is alright, what are you trying to say?”

Michael takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and finally takes the plunge.

“He’s coming back.”

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

Since Aidan’s departure, Brian Kinney feels like he is merely staying afloat and treading water, like he is an observer of his own life, but not really a part of it. He feels like he is watching a movie in a detached sort of way, and can’t really empathize with the main character. He has no emotions, no feelings, nothing. He just feels empty.

He knows it won’t last forever. Brian is a smart guy who can recognize he is reacting like someone in shock after experiencing a traumatic event. Maybe he is. It won’t last, but right now, he really doesn’t care. Life sucks. It’s not a surprise.

However, what  _ is _ surprising is that he keeps going. He doesn’t use his past ‘pain management’ techniques. Still, he is not sure if it’s a good sign – a sign that he has grown up and can face pain like a normal human being – or if it’s a really bad sign. Moreover, he objectively thinks he is losing it, without making a sound. Quietly and silently.

He doesn’t care, because it doesn’t matter.

As he has already said, if only to himself, life sucks. That’s his reality.

He still can’t believe it. Denial is so much easier, except when he comes home at the end of the day, because it prevents him from experiencing the void left by Aidan’s departure. But he still feels empty.

He doesn’t even know if he is angry with Aidan or not. He knows the other man has done what he thinks is right, whatever the reason is. Brian can relate to that feeling. After all, how many times has he himself done things to or for people because he thought it was the right thing to do, without explaining himself? The answer is obvious: a lot of times. And every time, he was sure of the rightness of his actions.

Every. Single. Time.

However, Brian understands now that when a person is on the receiving end of that type of action, not knowing why is hard. So, Brian went to see Samuel, to try and find some answers, but he had no luck, unfortunately.

He  _ knows _ Aidan. Intimately. He knows the man wouldn’t have left him if he thought he could do something otherwise, if he didn’t think with all his heart that it was the only solution. Furthermore, he had to have had his reasons for not explaining himself.

Still, Brian has thought of so many scenarios to justify Aidan’s decision, all more painful than the last. It’s unbearable.

Emptiness is easier.

* * *

When Michael barges into the loft that evening, Brian is not really surprised. His best friend has never been the subtle type, and Brian knows he means well. Yet, the truth is, right now, he doesn’t really want to deal with it.  But he tries to answer Michael’s questions about Aidan nonetheless. The faster he pushes Michael to tell him what he wants to say, the faster he will be alone again, without being obligated to think.

Thinking makes him feel, and he doesn’t want to.

Of course, he can’t predict what Michael is about to say. Seeing his friend so nervous about what he is trying to tell him – and the hesitation in his voice – doesn’t sit well with Brian. He is going to lose it if his friend doesn’t start to speak soon. So, he decides to push him in the right direction.

“Do you think I have some hidden power to read your mind like Rage or something?”

“No!”

“You’re right; I don’t. So just cut the bullshit and spill it, for fuck’s sake!  You’re making me nervous.”

“Sorry...”

_ Oh for Christ’s sake, Mikey, stop apologizing and just get to the point! _

“Michael!” Brian is losing patience now.

“Okay! Okay, it’s about Justin.”

_....What. The. Fuck? _

“ _ Justin _ ? What about him?” Brian is astounded. Hearing his former lover’s name is definitely not what he is expecting.  _ Fuck, did something happen? _ A sudden and uncontrollable feeling of fear grips him.

“Wait...Is he alright?”

“What? Oh, yeah! He is. It’s not about that,” Michael reassures him.

_ Fuck, Michael...I could strangle you right now. _

“So, if he is alright, what are you trying to say?”

Brian observes his friend visibly preparing himself for what he is about to say.

Finally, Michael just blurts out, “He’s coming back.”

The world surrounding them doesn’t stop. Yet, Brian Kinney feels like it just did.

“Get out.”

“Brian...”

“No. Not now.” Brian steps back and finally turns around, walking to the sitting area.

_ I can’t deal with this. Not now. _

“Brian...” Michael tries again as he follows his friend. “Talk to me, please...”

Brian just shakes his head. “There’s nothing to say. Justin and I have been over for a long time. Period. End of story.” Brian turns around to face his friend, his mask firmly back in place. With all the strength he can muster, he comes closer and puts his hands on Michael’s shoulders, saying in a soft tone, “Now, get out. Go back to your husband. You’ve done your duty here.”

Michael stares at him for a long time. Brian holds his gaze, hoping his friend will get the message.

Finally, Michael sighs and heads toward the kitchen counter to grab his jacket. Turning one last time to look at his friend, he says, “Call me if you need anything.”

Brian just nods.

Five minutes later, alone in the middle of the loft, Brian is still standing at the same spot. There is only one thought that his mind repeats over and over in his head: 

_ It doesn’t change anything. Life still sucks. _

Finally moving to sit at his desk, Brian shuts his mind and goes back to the only place he feels safe right now.

He stops thinking.

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin comes back and meets with some persons from his past...Is Brian one of them?

**_Three days later_ **

**Justin’s POV**

The plane bringing Justin Taylor home lands on a warm and sunny Sunday evening. At the exact moment the wheels touch the ground, the feelings that come over the young man are indescribable. Justin can’t even find words to explain how he feels, moving back to his hometown after so many years away. He supposes if he HAD to try and verbalize it, he might say it’s like a foggy dream, something unreal; like being in another dimension, another life.

His mother is waiting for him just beyond the security checkpoint area, and Justin observes her trying not to reveal just how happy she is about his return. For a second, his mind imagines her playing the fan girl with a lot of squealing and clapping, in an Emmett Honeycutt-type fashion, and as he comes closer, he can’t help but smile  _ that _ smile he is famous for.

It is so good to be home.

Ten seconds later, his luggage forgotten on the floor, he is swept away in a hug that seems to never end. Closing his eyes, he relishes the moment, this fleeting instant of pure bliss, as he knows he wouldn’t want to be anywhere but here.

Finally, as they part, his mother takes his cheeks between her hands, looking at him with smiling eyes.

“Honey...”

“Hi, Mom. I take it you’re happy to see me?” Justin says with a teasing tone in his voice, smiling widely himself.

“You have no idea... Your sister is gonna be so happy to see you!” Jennifer exclaims, her body language betraying how thrilled she is to have her son back.

“How is she?” Justin takes an instant interest in his sister’s life, as he feels like he will finally be able to make up for lost time in the future. He knows he won’t be nominated for a ‘brother of the year’ award any time soon, though, since he hadn’t seen his sister growing up at all.

“Great, she’s great... But wouldn’t you like to discuss this in a more pleasant place? Not that I wouldn’t be happy to catch up here, but...” Jennifer links her arm around her son’s and nods, looking outside.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go.” Justin leans down to grab his luggage and follows his mother towards the exit.

* * *

**_The next day, the diner_ **

Coming back to Liberty Avenue is strange, unreal in a way. As Justin walks along the sidewalk, his gaze is drawn to so many things that he doesn’t really know where to look. Sensing the changes around him, Justin realizes that the street has lost a part of its magic. However, the place still symbolizes his youth, the first fluttering of his heart, the first place where he had been sexually involved with a man. It’s the place where he had ceased to be a child, and where he had become a man.

All had started here. Or at least, in the past here.

Or is his memory playing tricks on him? Because, even if some people wouldn’t consider this street to be so different from ten years ago, Justin feels it  _ is _ different. Not because of the obvious changes, like the shops or bars which have been closed, or some of the buildings that have been rehabilitated; but because of the atmosphere.

It’s just not the same, even if it’s the same at the same time. It’s hard to explain.

However, some things haven’t changed. As Justin comes closer to the one place that had been his refuge when he was younger and experimenting the perks of being out and carefree for the first time in his life, his heart rate accelerates suddenly. This diner bring so many memories to his mind, and for a minute it’s like he is looking back through a kaleidoscope of the years that made him an adult. He pauses, inwardly taking it all in, before finally walking toward the front door.

Like in a movie, as he takes the first step inside, he is assaulted by the sounds emanating from the room. People are chattering and laughing, and for a moment, he has a flashback of another time, with other people, and he can see himself wearing a white apron over a tight shirt, rushing around to serve the customers. His vision finally ends as he sees himself sitting in the lap of a man with hazel eyes, laughing at a joke said by one of their friends on the opposite side of the booth.

Justin is nostalgic.

Finally, he comes out of his trance as he hears someone calling for him excitedly. By the time he comprehends what is happening, Michael is standing in front of him, a big smile on his face, with Emmett and a man he doesn’t know not far behind him.

“Justin!”

“Hi, Michael.” Justin pulls his friend into a big hug, and soon repeats the same action with Emmett. It feels so good to see them again.

“Hey, Sweetie! It’s so great to see you! Let me look at you!” Emmett does a circular gesture with his hand as he says, “Turn around!” Justin laughs at his friend’s exuberance and does as he is told.

Turning to the man beside him, Emmett says in a low and sexy voice, “Liam, this more than ever delicious morsel here, who still looks like an angel, is our little Sunshine, the famous artist who has conquered Paris!”

Liam extends his hand, “It’s nice meeting you, Justin,” he replies with a smile as Justin shakes it, his face a little red with embarrassment.

“You’re Emmett’s boyfriend?” Justin had heard that his flamboyant friend had finally met his match. Justin is impressed. The man is definitively gorgeous, with dark hair, blue eyes, and a beautiful body.

“Yes, I’m the lucky one,” Liam responds with a smile, looking at Emmett, who can’t help but smile widely himself over his answer. Then, Liam says to his partner, “I have to go. I’ll see you later.” He kisses Emmett and nods at Michael and Justin before walking out.

The three men are still standing in the middle of the diner. Michael suggests with a smile, “Come on, let’s sit down so you can tell us all about your adventures. We want to know  _ everything _ !”

“Yes! And don’t leave any juicy details out!” Emmett demands enthusiastically.

So, Justin follows his friends to a booth he had sat in so many times in the past, and for the next hour he regales his friends with stories and anecdotes about his life in Europe, relishing in the laughs and smiles on his friends’ faces. It’s like the years he had been gone were disappearing to be replaced by a real spirit of friendship and family.

He had missed it so much. It’s great to be home.

* * *

“So, what about  _ you _ ? How  _ are _ you? And the others? Ben? Debbie? Ted?” Justin asks while drinking his water. Now, he wants to know everything about his friends.

Michael begins, “Well, Ben and I are great. As I said to you over the phone the last time you called, Ben had a couple of minor health issues in the last year, but nothing too serious. So, we’re just becoming a couple of old fags,” Michael jokes, fingering his straw with his hand before drinking a gulp of his Coke.

Justin laughs, “And Hunter is in San Francisco, right?” Justin remembers their last conversation as well, when he had called Michael to tell him he was moving back.

“Right. He thinks he’s the next Guy Fieri now.”

Justin laughs. “That’s great! And what about Debbie?”

Emmett, who is sitting next to Michael and across from Justin, intervenes to answer, smiling. “Debbie is as loud and proud as ever, of course! She is still illuminating us with her unique presence here from time to time.”

“Yeah, Maw has cut back her hours, but she still works here. I’m pretty sure she will never be able to really stop.” Michael laughs. “Are we surprised?”

“No.” Justin laughs, too, before shaking his head, a look of amazement on his face as if he really can’t believe he’s going to be able to share his friends’ lives again. “I can’t wait to see her.”

“Don’t forget to take a deep breath before greeting her, then, because I’m pretty sure she is going to suffocate you with the hug you’re certain to receive. She was so happy to know you were coming home,” Michael reveals. “I didn’t know we were going to see you today; but if I had known and told her, I’m pretty sure she would have been here.”

“It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing, you know?” Justin never could stay away from Liberty Avenue, even though it had been less than sixteen hours since his return.  “Anyway, I’m kind of glad it’s just the three of us for now.” He smiles.

Michael nods. “Uh...Good thing Stuart is covering for me at the shop for the day. That way, we have plenty of time to catch up. It’s been more than an hour already!”

“Really? Where does the time go?” Justin wonders as the three of them enjoy each other’s company. “And what about the others?” Justin wants to know everything about everybody, even if he won’t admit that he wants to hear about  _ someone _ in particular.

Emmett answers first, “Well, Teddy is doing great, still madly in love with Blake; can you believe it? They even tied the knot last year!”

“Yeah, Michael told me. Who would have thought? Really, it’s great.” Justin smiles.

Actually the truth is, Justin is becoming nervous, as there aren’t many people left to talk about. Moreover, as if to validate his thoughts, for the first time since they have sat down, neither man says anything else. Justin is beginning to think that neither Michael, nor Emmett, wants to speak to him about Brian. So Justin tries to move the conversation along.

“Ted still works for Kinnetik?”

Michael and Emmett look at each other then, and finally Michael answers, “Yes, he is still Brian’s CFO.”

_ Brian. Here we are. _

Justin takes the plunge, “So how is he?”

“Who?” Emmett asks innocently. Michael doesn’t say anything.

Justin raises his eyebrows. “Brian.”

Michael sighs, “Um...” he clears his throat as Emmett looks at his fingers on the table.

_ What the fuck is going on here? _

“Is he okay?”

Michael pauses. He knew this was inevitable. “Not really...” He takes a deep breath before starting to speak again. “He...He is going through a tough time, since...”

Justin’s heart is suddenly beating fast.  _ What’s wrong? Is he sick again? Please, no... _

Emmett completes Michael’s sentence after a few seconds. “...since Aidan left.”

“I... _ What _ ?” Justin’s astonishment has to be written all over his face. “Brian’s boyfriend left him?”

“Yes...” Emmett confirms. Michael just nods.

“When did it happen?”

“Two weeks ago,” Michael reveals.

“Oh...” Justin is at a loss here.

_ Shit. His boyfriend left two weeks before I came home? Is this a joke? _

“Is he...okay?” Justin knows before asking how stupid his question might sound to his friends. Brian must be devastated.

“He’s...” Michael pauses and sighs, before completing his thought, “...not in a good state of mind right now.”

Justin understands that there is more to it than Michael is willing to share. “Can I do anything?” Justin asks impulsively.

“What do you mean?” Michael frowns, seemingly disapproving.

Justin realizes how that might have sounded as he shakes his head.

“I don’t know...” Justin really  _ doesn’t _ know. He hasn’t seen Brian in seven years. Even if the man was his first boyfriend, or partner, or whatever they should be considered, he really doesn’t know him anymore, and he has no right to disrupt his life. Yet, knowing the man is in a bad place, Justin can’t help but wish he could help him, even if he understands it’s surely not a good idea. In fact, he’s probably the worst candidate for the job right now.

Michael echoes his thoughts as he replies, “I’m not sure it’s a good idea, Justin. Not now, anyway. Brian knew you were moving back, but it’s too soon for you to come back into his life; he’ll just freak out right now,” he advises him.

“I agree,” Emmett interjects. “Brian and Aidan were happy until recently, and Brian must be devastated by Aidan’s leaving. Nobody can predict how he will react if you push yourself back into his life too fast, despite your good intentions.”

“I get it.” Justin nods with reluctant agreement. “I mean, it sounds like Brian doesn’t need any more difficulties right now. Knowing our past and the way it ended, I feel like the worst candidate to help him face what he must be going through at the moment. I’m pretty sure he would tell me to fuck off anyway,” Justin adds with a nervous half-laugh.  

“Um...” Michael mumbles, deciding to not-so-subtly change the subject of their conversation. “So what do you say about coming to dinner at my place this week?”

For the next ten minutes, the three men make plans to see each other in a few days. Justin still has a lot to do to settle down here; he has to find an apartment and to contact the gallery he is going to work for. Doing all that is going to use up most of his time. So they decide to meet the next Friday at Michael’s place with the boys. It’s an obvious, unspoken supposition, though, that Brian won’t be joining them.

A few minutes later, Justin leaves the diner. He puts his sunglasses on, deciding to take an extended walk around the area to compose his thoughts, and help acclimate himself to the ‘new’ Liberty Avenue area. As the scenery around him evolves, he can’t help but let his thoughts travel back to the conversation he and his friends had shared earlier, and about Michael’s and Emmett’s revelations regarding Brian.

Justin’s heart goes out to his former partner. Hadn’t Brian suffered enough?

_ Fuck the universe. _

Still, even if he truly believes what he said to Michael and Emmett about him being the worst candidate to help Brian, Justin is also convinced things are not that easy. As he thinks about it over and over, he realizes that staying away from Brian is actually taking the easy way out, even if it’s safer. It would be like waiting for Brian to get better and to be there to ‘help’ him only when he wouldn’t need it anymore. Justin almost feels like it would be even worse, as Brian might see him as a interloper. He knows it’s not rational to think that way, but he can’t figure out what to do.

He  _ wants  _ to help Brian. If by that it means staying away from him, he will. Yet, maybe Brian needs someone to lean on now. Justin wouldn’t offer anything more than friendship, as he is perfectly sure that anything more than that would be a disaster, especially for Brian. The man doesn’t need that kind of connection with anyone right now. He has just lost his partner with whom he had shared more than five apparently happy years. Justin doesn’t want to presume how he must feel, and he doesn’t want to add any more drama to the man’s life. He just wants to help him, the way Brian helped him in the past; not to make things even, but because he feels he needs to.

And truthfully, Justin doesn’t know Brian anymore. What if time had irrevocably broken and destroyed every single thing that they had shared before? What if they couldn’t even be friends anymore? It is a possibility he has to consider.

Justin has changed a lot in the past seven years. He has become an adult, an accomplished artist, and a better man. Brian must have changed a lot, too. Add to that the knowledge that Brian must be living with real heartbreak today, and that alone could change  _ any _ man.

So no, Justin isn’t sure that he and Brian have anything in common anymore. He truly doesn’t know.

But he wants to find out and to propose his help, even if it might be a mistake. He is willing to take the chance. What is the worst thing that could happen? If it is a mistake, Brian will tell him to fuck off and Justin will stay away, honoring Brian’s wishes.

If not, he will try his best to help him.

It’s the least he can do.

* * *

Four hours later, as the day turns into evening, Justin’s journey takes him to the familiar building on Tremont Avenue after an afternoon of walking aimlessly around, thinking. Inhaling deeply to calm his nerves, he enters the building he had known so well just as a woman exits, slowly making his way up to the fourth floor.

Biting his lip as he trudges up the steps, Justin doesn’t want to think too much about what he is going to do anymore. Analyzing it again at this point will only lead him to question his decision, and even if he knows it’s maybe not so wise to be here, he doesn’t want to back out now.

He always has been a persistent little shit.

He finally arrives in front of the door of the loft, the same one that had determined his fate in the past when he was a seventeen-year-old, clueless kid who didn’t know shit about being gay. The irony of the moment is not lost on Justin. Now that he feels he is finally the best gay man he could ever be, here he is, standing on the other side.

Thus, knocking nervously on the cold metal, he mentally prepares himself for what is coming and closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. A few seconds later, he opens them again upon hearing the noise of the door being pulled open, and his heart stops _. _

_ He _ is here.

Brian is standing quietly in front of him, surprise written all over his face, as well as another emotion that Justin can’t identify.

They stand there awkwardly for a long moment, staring intently at each other, as Justin feels his heart beating faster and his body temperature rising under the scrutinizing, hazel eyes.

_ Fuck. He is as beautiful as ever. _

Suddenly, Brian breaks the deafening silence between them. His words are neither welcoming nor harsh. Just... _ emotionless _ ? “What are you doing here?”

Justin is petrified; Brian’s voice feels like a hypnotic spell, and he is temporarily rendered speechless. Finally, all he says is, “I...”

Brian’s indecipherable gaze makes Justin squirm. “You  _ what _ ?”

Justin breathes deeply, trying to say with his eyes what he can’t convey in words. “I wanted to see you.”

Brian’s stare doesn’t reveal anything. The silence goes on for a lot longer than what would be considered normal conversation; finally, Brian apparently reaches a decision. “Well, you’ve seen me.”

Justin frowns. The man in front of him is going to tell him to fuck off. Justin understands his reasons, but he has to try nonetheless. “Brian...”

Brian cuts him off immediately, exhaustion dripping from his voice. “Don’t...I don’t need this shit right now.”

“I just want to help you.”

Those words provoke a reaction from the other man. Brian chuckles sarcastically, before shaking his head and saying, seemingly exasperated, “You want to help me? Really? That’s a good one. And why - or maybe should I ask -  _ how _ would you want to do that?”

_ Okay, fair enough. You must feel like I’m the last person you want to see right now. I can’t blame you. _

Justin doesn’t respond, making it clear to Brian that he will not rise to the bait. Brian seems to understand that as he continues, making it clear to Justin what he thinks about his offer to ‘help.’ “If you think you need to help me because of some sense of fucking loyalty or some equally stupid shit like that, you needn’t worry. You don’t  _ owe me _ anything. And I definitely don’t need you now. So  _ please _ , go back to your own life, Justin.” Brian is trying really hard to hide his feelings, but Justin can hear the sadness in his voice.

Justin realizes that Brian’s reaction is just a way for him to protect himself. The pain he feels over his partner’s leaving must be unbearable. “I’m sorry...” Justin doesn’t know what else to say.

Brian softens, seemingly understanding that Justin doesn’t want to add any more drama to his life, but is truly sorry about his predicament. “You know how I feel about apologies.”

Justin nods, as he feels a squeezing in his chest.

“Just... just forget about me. I’ll be fine,” Brian whispers, looking at him intently.

Justin nods, knowing he must honor Brian’s wishes for now. Yet, he feels compelled to add, “If you need anything...” leaving the sentence unfinished, as he knows Brian hears him loud and clear.

Brian’s hazel eyes stare at him for a long moment before the man finally replies, “Good bye, Justin.”

At last, Brian closes the heavy door, leaving Justin standing alone in the doorway. The young man stays there for a couple more minutes, unable to move as his heartbeat slowly calms down, before leaving to go back to his mother’s place.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months later, how is Brian dealing with what is happening in his life?

**_Three months later_ **

**Ted’s POV**

The end of the summer is fast approaching, days growing shorter as the first signs of the upcoming autumn can be observed in the shifting colors of the landscape, and the coolness in the air. Ted Schmidt is walking with a sure step on the pavement, deep in thought; five minutes later, he arrives at his workplace, formerly known as the ‘Liberty Baths.’

The last four months have been a rollercoaster for him.

First, his boss’ partner had left him nearly overnight, leaving Brian in a state of mind that Ted had never witnessed before in the past. The inevitable effects, both in his professional and personal life, hadn’t taken long to impact the people that Brian interacted with. Ted Schmidt was on the front line to witness it all, being Brian’s right-hand man and personal friend.

Then, Justin Taylor, Brian’s first love, had suddenly made a comeback worthy of a best seller, after having been gone for seven years. Of course, his return had to take place two weeks after Aidan’s leaving. Talk about irony. Justin’s arrival didn’t help with Brian’s weird mood, as Brian had withdrawn even more from everyone.

Moreover, Blake had broken his arm in a stupid accident at work in mid-July; he had fallen from his chair during a disastrous session he was leading, involving a disturbed man who had experienced a breakdown in the middle of it, pushing Blake backward when the man hadn’t expected it. When Ted had received the call informing him that his husband was at the hospital, he had momentarily panicked in the middle of a meeting with a big client. Fortunately, Blake hadn’t been severely injured.

All that in less than four months. Let’s just say that Ted’s life  **–** personal and professional  **–** had been a little disrupted.

Blake had broken his right arm. Being a right-handed person, Ted has had to help him in his everyday life for nearly two months. The injury has nearly completely healed now, but Ted wants to be there as much as possible until Blake fully recovers. Still, he also has to resume his functions at work. That’s why he is entering his office this Monday at five past two in the afternoon, after having spent his lunch break with his husband, a habit he had acquired during the past two months.

At two-thirty, Ted makes his way to the conference room for a meeting with the staff about a new campaign they are going to undertake. Marty, the Art Director, and Cynthia are already there. Brian is nowhere to be seen yet.

Ten minutes later, Brian appears at last, walking straight to the front of the conference table without greeting anyone, a closed look on his face. Ted’s eyes follow him closely, trying to ascertain what the mood is going to be for the day. He doesn’t have to wait too long to receive his answer. As Brian scans the room quickly, his gaze hardens.

“Where the fuck is David?” His voice is sharp, betraying his visibly bad mood.

David is an employee of the Art Department who should have been there. Ted has no idea why he isn’t, but it seems Cynthia knows the reason. “He called in sick this morning. He has a high fever due to a bad flu.”

“A bad case of flu in September? That’s his excuse?” Brian shakes his head disapprovingly. “Well, I’m glad to know some of us can take the time to relax at home when there is so much work to do.” Brian scowls at the file on the table in front of him while speaking, his face showing nothing but disapproval over the man’s absence. “So, can we begin? Or, do we have to wait for something in particular?”

Ted frowns. Brian is definitely in a foul mood. It’s not an unusual trait these days, as Brian is not the happiest man at the moment, but there is something here that worries Ted more than usual. “No. We can proceed.”

“Good.” Brian finally lets go of his anger briefly in order to concentrate on the meeting. For the next hour, Ted forgets all his worried thoughts too, at least temporarily.

* * *

Sixty minutes later, the meeting comes to an end, and the people present around the table filter out one by one to go back to their own offices. Ted pretends to reread another file in his hand, gazing up from time to time to see if there is anyone left, so he can as subtly as possible have a word with Brian.

As he looks up one last time, Brian is looking at him intently, tongue-in-cheek, eyebrows raised.

So much for subtle.

“What?” Ted plays it innocently, knowing full well Brian will never buy it, but refusing to admit defeat yet.

“You really want to play that game?” Brian retorts, not grinning at all in response to Ted’s futile attempt to play him. Then, Brian turns around and enters his office, leaving the door open in a silent invitation for Ted to join him.

Ted sighs and follows his friend, closing the sliding door behind him.

“So, out with it.” Brian gets straight to the point, as usual.

“Okay. What’s going on?” Ted has learned a long time ago that going round in circles is not the solution when someone wants Brian Kinney to talk. Hell, even with a direct approach, it’s an almost impossible task.

The operative word being ‘almost.’ Ted likes to think he is one of the few that can take up the challenge.

“What do you mean?” Brian answers, standing in front of his desk and looking at some papers in his hand; In other words, avoiding the question.

“I mean you’re not yourself today.” Brian’s gaze stays down, seemingly scanning something on the paper, but an amused, yet sarcastic smile appears on his face as he snorts. Finally, he gazes up and says, “And you’re telling me this, because...?”

Ted frowns. “You’re not even denying it?”

“Whether I deny it or not, I’m pretty sure the result would be the same.” Brian lays the paper on his desk. “You will pry, and pry, and pry again, until I tell you what you want to hear. So, what would be the point in denying anything? It would only be a loss of energy.” Ted is momentarily rendered speechless by Brian’s diatribe.

Brian continues as he walks toward him, “So, what will it be, then?” the tone of his voice becomes derisive as he continues. “ _ Brian, you really should talk about what you feel, you can’t do this alone _ ! Or will it be,  _ Brian, you really should accept our help _ ? Or maybe,  _ Brian, why are you such a fucking shit, we just want to help you, you must be so devastated with what is happening to you?   _ Oh, and my favorite:  _ Brian, you have to suck it up and move on!” _ By now, Brian is shouting in Ted’s face, with a level of anger Ted has rarely heard from his friend. That’s telling him something.

Ted knows Brian’s anger is not really directed at him or even at his friends, but more at the choice his now former partner has made, and maybe something else that Ted isn’t aware of. After the initial phase of shock has worn off for Brian, now he is definitely angry, but doesn’t know how to deal with it. As the two men stand face-to-face in Brian’s office, Ted can almost  _ see _ the steam escaping from Brian’s nostrils and ears. He can’t help but chuckle at the image. Of course, it’s more a nervous reaction than anything.

He is initially anxious when Brian peers over at him as if he has lost his mind, but decides his reaction was actually a good one, since it apparently serves to relax his friend as he asks, “What the fuck are you laughing at?”

The only problem is, now he can’t stop laughing, barely managing to answer, “I’d just imagined you blowing smoke out your nose and ears like some cartoon character; you should have seen your face. It was scary...!”

Brian tries hard to keep a smile from appearing on his face, but to not avail. He finally chuckles along with Ted.

When their laughter dies down, Ted heads for the couch, indicating to Brian to come and sit next to him. Brian pauses for a few seconds, seemingly debating what to do, before he follows Ted and takes a place to his left.

Then, Ted puts a hand momentarily on Brian’s knee and starts to speak. “I wouldn’t presume to give you any advice about how you should deal with your predicament right now. I really don’t know what you’re going through. But I  _ do _ know you have good friends who are willing to help. Michael, Lindsay, Debbie, Emmett. Even...” Ted stops there, afraid to cross a line.

Brian surprises him by completing his thought. “Even Justin?” Brian sighs, cupping his hands in front of his mouth, before putting them on his knees. “Yeah, I know...”

_ Wait... _

_ “ _ You’ve seen him?” Ted isn’t sure he understands him right.

“Uh...” Brian hedges his response.

Ted frowns as he asks him, “When?” Even though he isn’t certain he’s going to receive an answer.

Brian clears his throat. “Three months ago.”

_ That _ is a surprise “Oh...”

“Oh? That’s all you can manage to say?” Brian teases him.

“I just...I didn’t know you’d seen each other. I’ve seen Justin several times since his return, and I’m pretty sure he’s never mentioned that to anyone.” Ted had spent some time with Justin during the summer. The young man had been slowly but surely reinserting himself into the Liberty Gang, and everyone had been happy to welcome him back into their lives, especially Debbie, of course. As the mother of them all, having one of her lost children back had been very emotional for her at the time. Ted was fairly certain Justin would have died from suffocation if it hadn’t been for Emmett’s intervention. Ted swears Justin was coughing a little after that, but the smile on his face was priceless and really quite revealing about how happy he was to be back. In addition, Justin seems to be doing really well and is in a good place in his life. Ted is really glad about that. But not once did Justin mention Brian in front of him, even when they had run into each other at an informal get-together at Lindsay and Mel’s place with the kids about a month ago. Naturally, Brian has been a no-show during the entire summer.

“Um...” Brian seems lost in thought. “How is he?”

“Justin?”

Brian nods.

Ted isn’t surprised by Brian’s question. He knows his friend still cares about his former lover, even if it is not necessarily in a romantic way anymore. “He’s doing well; great even. He seems truly happy to be back.”

Brian doesn’t respond, and Ted knows he won’t. So he decides to try and see if his friend is going to confide in him about what is going on in his head. “So, what happened today?”

Brian huffs, “You’re not going to leave this alone, are you?”

“I will, but only if you tell me to fuck off,” Ted answers in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Fuck off!” Brian replies, pushing Ted’s shoulder.

“Hey!” Ted reprimands, rubbing his shoulder while pretending to be offended.

“What? You asked for it!” Brian smirks.

“Fuck you!”

Both men laugh a little over their stupid behavior before allowing a companionable silence to seep into their conversation.

Ted knows if Brian decides to confide in him, it will be his choice; he won’t push it. So he waits. However, Brian remains mute. 

After a few minutes, Ted is about to stand up and return to his own office when Brian’s voice finally breaks through the silence.

“I helped Samuel move yesterday. He accepted a position in Philly, so he could be closer to his daughter.” Ted looks up then, studying Brian’s facial expression. His eyes say it all, as Brian sighs sadly and finally confesses what has been eating him alive inside. “Now, Aidan’s presence in my life is only a memory. All of it is  _ gone _ .”

_ Fuck. _

“I’m  _ angry, _ Ted... So fucking angry.” Brian shakes his head, his gaze unfocused-looking, lost.

Ted admits, “I’ve noticed,” earning an intimidating stare from Brian; one that he normally reserves for someone when he clearly wants them to shut up. Ted raises his hands as if in surrender before both men resume their initial posture, Brian with his hands clasped together on his knees and Ted sitting still next to him.

Finally, Ted tries again. “You should come to Debbie’s tomorrow. Everyone is meeting there at six.”

“Everyone?”

Ted understands the real question. “Everyone.”

Brian just stares straight ahead.

“You can’t hide forever, you know. It’s been three months already. And Gus will be there.” Ted pauses, letting the words sink in. He knows Brian visits his son, so Gus must be the only one who has had the privilege of seeing him these days. Even Michael and Debbie haven’t succeeded in reaching him this summer; Brian has shut down completely, and hasn’t wanted to see anyone. Lindsay has tried to talk to him, too, when he has come to pick up Gus, but she’d had no more luck than the Novotnys.

Then, as an afterthought, Ted adds, “You might remain angry for quite some time; but look on the bright side. At least you’ll have plenty of people to yell at,” he jokes.

Brian chuckles as he turns to look at his friend. “Theodore, why didn’t you bring that up sooner? I hadn’t thought about that. That’s the best argument you could have come up with...”

“It’s a joke, Brian,” Ted answers as if he’s reprimanding a child.

“Is it?” Brian answers with an innocent look on his face.

Ted shakes his head and stands up.  Squeezing Brian’s shoulder briefly, his friend gazes up at him with a searching look on his face as he tells him, “No matter what happens, you’re still Brian Kinney. Because of that, I have no doubt that you will make it.” Quietly, he nods briefly before turning and quietly exiting the office.

As Ted leaves the room, he can feel Brian’s eyes following him, and he is pretty sure his friend is currently pondering his words and the seriousness of it all.

No matter what, his friend will make it. There is no other way.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

_ Fucking hell… _

Brian is sitting in his car, peering over at the house across the street, and at the newly repainted red door at the front entrance. It’s 6:17 on a Tuesday evening, or at least according to Brian’s phone, and the man is struggling over whether he should exit his car or not. All his friends – or maybe he should use the word  _ family –  _ are inside that home, no doubt already spreading the latest gossip and laughing over their latest exploits, while he is alone and waiting for God knows what in the safety of his ‘Vette. Looking up toward the sky, Brian whispers, “Do you really think this is a good idea? You know I will fuck it up, don’t you?” before gazing down to his hands and closing his eyes.

The last six months have been hell for Brian. He doesn’t even know how he can still function some days, but he does. Aidan’s departure had hurt him so fucking much; he didn’t recognize himself the first few days after their last encounter. Sure, denying all of it had ever happened had been easier most of the time, but it wasn’t a solution. Shutting himself off from the pain, from his thoughts, even from his friends, had helped at the beginning, but not anymore. Now, he isn’t able to deny the pain, and he is so fucking angry at the world. So when at first he had refused to see his friends to protect  _ himself, _ now he is hesitating in order to protect  _ them _ .

He is one fucked-up man.

Michael, Debbie, Lindsay, even Emmett have tried to talk to him and to propose their help:  Michael with his subtle ‘junk food and James Dean movie’ party, Debbie with her ‘tuna-macaroni and pot’ party, and Lindsay with her ‘visit with your son’ party. Brian had been obligated to tell them in no uncertain terms to drop their masquerade and just leave him alone, even if he had been more tolerant with Lindsay because there had been Gus to consider.

_ Sometimes, it sucks to have a family… _

_ Okay, not so much… _

Brian knows he had been an asshole at the time. Still, he isn’t sorry. Anybody in his situation would have felt and done the same. Do people really think that you want to talk about it over and over when this kind of event happens to you? Does reliving the pain again, and saying how you feel, make things easier? Brian doesn’t think so. Shutting down is so much easier.

However, shutting down can’t last, or you would definitely stay alone for a long time. Truthfully, Brian is grateful for his friends, even if he wasn’t able to appreciate their efforts at first. Still, now that denial had been replaced by anger; he is scared he will hurt someone if they try to make him talk. Ted had been the first one to make an attempt in the last two months, and he had snapped at him immediately. If not for his unexpected reaction, Brian could have crossed a line at one point, and he would have been sorry for it if it had happened. Moreover, Brian needs Ted by his side, and the man knows him well. Even too well by now. It’s scary sometimes.

Then there is Justin.

His former lover’s return couldn’t have happened at a worst time. When Michael had come to deliver the news, Brian couldn’t believe it. Really? Justin was coming home? Now? Was it a bad joke? Brian hadn’t been able to process the news. He was too busy forgetting about his own pain.

Therefore, when he had discovered Justin at his doorstep four days after Michael’s revelation, he hadn’t been able to face him. He couldn’t. Hurting him hadn’t been his intention at all, and Brian hopes that Justin had understood that. But really, what was he supposed to say?  _ You want to help me? Of course, come on in; let’s forget you’re the only man I loved in the past, before Aidan came into my life, my partner that just left me? And no worries; all will be so cool between us and not weird at all? It goes without saying that I am perfectly able to deal with it right now? _

_ Yeah, right… _

Now, three months later, Brian still isn’t sure seeing Justin again is a good thing. Their past relationship could still be a problem between them, as Brian feels it could be awkward interacting today. Brian doesn’t know if they can have any sort of relationship, either as just acquaintances or as friends. One thing is sure, though; Brian isn’t ready for anything else with Justin. If he so much as hears a single suggestion about it from his friends, he doesn’t know what his reaction will be. And that’s one of the reasons why he is so worried about exiting his car.

Of course, Brian still loves Justin. Maybe not in the same way he had loved him when they had been together, but Justin has and always will have a special place in Brian’s heart. Justin is the man who taught him how to love. Brian can’t erase that from his heart. It will always be there.

Brian wants Justin to be happy; that hasn’t changed. When Ted confided in him the day before that Justin seemed to be in a good place in his life, Brian had felt a really satisfying feeling spreading in his chest. He was happy for Justin, because the young man only deserves the best. Brian hadn’t changed his mind about that. He never will.

Of course, even if Brian isn’t sure seeing Justin again is a good idea, he knows he can’t avoid him, either. Justin is back in the gang, and Brian will not be the one to stop him. Justin has as much right to be there as every member of the family. So, really, Brian will have to deal with it, one way or another.

Taking a deep breath, Brian reaches a decision.

_ I can do it. I can face them all. And if I’m going to see him in the future, I have to start somewhere. Better sooner than later… _

Brian exits the car and crosses the street at exactly 6:42 PM.

_ Always be fashionably late to make a lasting effect on your audience; that’s the key to success… _

* * *

A few seconds later, Brian is standing in front of the door, ready to knock. Just as he is about to do it, though, the door opens, revealing a delighted Debbie on the other side.

“Brian, Honey. It’s so good to see you! Come here!” She pulls him into her arms for a big hug; Brian is so surprised that he doesn’t respond to it at first, letting his arms hang by his side. Finally, he hugs her back, whispering in her ear, “Thanks, Deb, but please, I can’t breathe…” She has the good grace to look contrite as she releases him.

Brian’s eyes stay on hers for a few more seconds, revealing all he can’t say out loud, before the man finally turns to look around the room. Emmett is standing near the window while Michael, Ben, Lindsay, Melanie, Ted, Blake, Liam, Justin, Gus, Jenny-Rebecca and Carl are sitting at the family table.

By the looks on their faces, everyone is anxious, if not surprised to see him there, except maybe Ted. Also, all of them seem to be holding their breath for the next act like performers in a drama.

_ Showtime… _

“So, who was the idiot who ratted on me, huh?” He turned to look at Emmett with an insisting stare as Brian adds, “Was it you, Honeycutt?”

“Hey, it’s not like your ‘Vette isn’t the most in-your-face car in all of Pittsburgh. It’s hard to miss it when you see it parked out on the street,” Emmett replies defensively.

“And what exactly were you doing, standing by the window? Trying to ‘see the light’ again?” Brian retorts, tongue-in-cheek, before making his way to the table and standing next to it, frowning. “Debbie…”

“What, Honey?” Debbie answers, coming back to the table.

“Do I have to sit on the floor?” He teases her, gazing at her with a soft look.

“Oh… Just give me a minute!” Debbie storms out of the room in search of an extra chair, as Michael stands up to go find another set of cutlery, which he places next to Gus and Lindsay.

Two minutes later, Brian is sitting next to his son as the conversation slowly returns to life after the brief pause his appearance had caused, and Brian feels like he might be able to survive this shared meal without a hitch.

Looking up, his gaze locks on his former lover for a few seconds.

As he finally looks down to pick up his fork, he realizes he is happy to be here. With his family.

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie's diner continues. will Brian and Justin talk this time?

**_Thirty minutes later, Debbie’s house_ **

**Debbie’s POV**

Life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it. Whether the surprise is good or bad, there are some times when a person can’t anticipate what is going to happen. One day you wake up, believing the day ahead will be the same as the day before, when it isn’t. Something is going to disrupt your little routine and change your life as you know it. Furthermore, the change can be an improvement or a step back, a win or a loss, but it always comes with a reaction of some kind.

Debbie has seen it a lot. Working as a waitress for more than twenty-five years has taught her to recognize the men and women who are experiencing these changes.

She has never been someone who stayed away from other people’s lives, even if she might suspect that she has occasionally crossed that ‘invisible’ line – the point when you realize you’re not encouraged to comment on what is happening in someone’s life and that you are going too far; when it’s not your place to give advice, or to take action on someone’s behalf. Or, when you’re just not welcome to share it at all. Of course, she knows everybody might not agree with the idea that she is the kind of woman that stays in her place and isn’t intrusive, mainly because of her ‘proud and loud’ behavior. Yet, truthfully, she does know when not to interfere.

Still, Debbie is convinced that usually when a life changes for the better, the exultation a person gains from it, and consequently shares, can also have a positive impact on those around them. Debbie herself has shared so many beautiful, emotional moments with her community, all those marvellous people with whom she has shared her life for more than two decades. Of course, everything isn’t always a fairy tale, and when the same men and women are in pain, conversely it’s nearly unbearable.

Debbie is a proud woman. She considers all her lost boys as her own. But, she is a real mother, too, with a real family. And while she can support everyone and help as much as she can, there is nothing that makes her react more than when a change happens in the life of one of the people closest to her heart.

So, it’s not surprising she is so happy tonight. Her family is sitting around the table of her home, sharing conversation and laughs, something she wouldn’t have thought possible not so long ago; at least not with everyone here tonight. That is, considering Brian hasn’t spoken to any of them for the past three months, except maybe to Ted and Lindsay…and the fact that one particular man is with them tonight.  To her, it’s nothing short of a miracle.

Of course,  _ someone _ is definitely missing, and probably  _ will _ be missing for a long time. Debbie can’t help but hope that Aidan will come back one day. Unfortunately, she doesn’t believe he will, and it breaks her heart to know he’s probably gone for good. She will never understand why he left in the first place. For Debbie, a man can’t leave his family. And Brian was his family. Hell, Aidan was a part of their day-to-day life for more than five years!  She still can’t believe he’s really gone.

However, one of her lost boys is back, and it fills her heart with joy. She has missed her Sunshine so much; having him back is one of the most beautiful gifts life could have offered her. And the still youngest man at the table seems to feel great. His presence lights up the room. Debbie has rarely seen a person who smiles as much as Justin does these days; he seems happy, comfortable and serene, like he knows he has made it and that life ahead represents a promise of good things to come. There is definitely a wisdom emanating from him.

Nevertheless, she knows Brian isn’t really comfortable with Justin’s presence. She can’t blame him; with all he’s been through lately, it’s a miracle he agreed to be here tonight at all, knowing that Justin would be here, too. Yet, at the same time, Debbie knows Brian would never want Justin to feel awkward because of him. Brian Kinney might not be in love with Justin anymore, but he still loves him and would do anything for the young man. His mere presence tonight is solid proof of that fact.

Debbie hopes the two men will be able to share some type of  _ new _ relationship now for both their sakes, whatever it might be. It would be easier for everyone if they could be friends. Who knows what the future might hold? Of course, it’s not really her place to say anything about that, and she just wants both of them to be happy…

“Where are you, Debbie?” A strong voice penetrates her brain, but she still needs more than five seconds to respond.

“Huh?” She blinks and turns to look at Justin, who is sitting next to her at the table. Everyone is beginning to rise from their seats to head into the living room with their drinks.

“You seemed so lost and quiet just now; I thought it was my duty to bring you back among the living,” Justin teases her with a huge grin on his face.

Debbie smiles, too, grateful once more for this man’s reappearance in her life. However, as she looks around the table and then over at the living room, she frowns suddenly in realization as she inquires, “Where’s Brian?”

“Don’t worry; he just stepped outside to get a breath of fresh air; he’ll be back in eventually,” Justin reassures her, a soft smile playing on his lips.

Looking at him in that instant, Debbie realizes something. Justin has never talked once about Brian in the past three months. The only time he had said anything at all about his former partner has been when he had felt the need to defend him, and to ask everyone to just respect his privacy, typically during the times when Brian’s withdrawal from their lives had been the fodder of several discussions among themselves. Justin has continued to support Brian’s decision to stay away up until now.

So Debbie understands Justin is already being a real friend to Brian.

She leans over closer to the young man, nudging his elbow playfully with her own as she whispers, “You should talk to him.”

Justin stares at her, analyzing her words, before simply saying, “No.”

Debbie frowns. “Why not?”

“I’m pretty sure he would prefer that I leave him alone for now.” Justin looks down at the glass in his hands.

“How do you know that?” Debbie asks a little louder than necessary. She looks around, making sure no one is looking towards them, before focusing on Justin again.

“It’s the most plausible assumption for a man who is going through what he is experiencing,” Justin answers calmly, sipping his red wine.

“So, you don’t even give him a choice, Sunshine?” Debbie can’t help but try and push the young man. She knows if someone has a right – and the ability – to make up his mind, it’s Brian. Maybe he will, but it’s obvious for her that Justin would like to reconnect with the man.

Justin stares at her, seemingly pondering her words. Debbie persists, looking toward the back door. “He’s right out there, Justin; if you want to talk to him, this is your chance.” Justin seems to be considering it, not knowing if he should listen to her or not. Seeing him looking furtively at the back door, she gives him a pointed look. “I know you don’t want to be intrusive, especially knowing what he’s going through right now, and in light of your past history. But it’s been  _ years _ , Justin. Brian is not the same man he was before you left, and neither are you.” She lays her hand on his, squeezing it momentarily. “He could use a friend right now.”

Justin stays silent for a minute. Finally, he closes his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. “Okay...” Looking up at her, he says, “But you should know something first.” His blue eyes don’t reveal anything as he explains, “I already talked to him, Debbie.”

_ What? _

“You did? When?” Debbie is astounded by this revelation.

Justin sighs, “When I came back... I wanted him to know that I was there if he needed anything.” He continues, “He wasn’t willing to consider it, though; and I completely understand why. I want to respect that.”

Debbie doesn’t know what to say to that. Justin smiles. “You’re at a loss for words, Debbie? Really?” He teases her.

Debbie looks at him, smiling back at her despite the fact that he might yet be rejected again by his former lover, and that’s when she realizes the man in front of her is not a kid anymore. He’s a man who still has feelings, whatever they might be, for a man with whom he shared most of his young life with, a man who helped him become the man he is today. Justin is grateful to Brian. That much is obvious. Still, he doesn’t appear to be hurt over Brian’s reaction, and seems to truly understand why he is reacting this way. That fact itself shows that Justin still loves Brian , maybe not as a lover anymore, but as a true friend, and that he wants to respect his privacy.

Therefore, she isn’t surprised, either, when she hears Justin’s next words. “I will go and talk to him tonight, just to see if he’s okay or needs anything. But please, Debbie, this is the last time we talk about this. I don’t want him to think that because of my return, he has to be careful around me or hold back anything. He doesn’t need anyone reminding him of our past or pushing him to accept my presence. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

_ That you want to respect him; to respect his life and his right to keep you out of it if he chooses... _

Debbie answers, “I think I do...” Then, she stands up, leaving Justin remaining in his chair. However, before joining the others, she leans over to whisper in his right ear, “You’re a grown-up man now. I’m so proud of you.” She smiles softly as he gazes up to look at her. She cups her hand briefly over his cheek before finally moving to join the others in the living room.

* * *

**Justin’s POV**

Being back at Debbie’s house – in the place where he used to live when he was younger and in the midst of people he used to hang out with every day – is a  little surreal for Justin. Since he returned three months ago, he has felt like he is in some type of suspended animation somehow, like he is living in a foggy but beautiful dream.

He is  _ happy _ . He has spent a lot of time catching up with his friends, and with his mother and little sister. Now, he doesn’t even remember why he hesitated for even a second before making the decision to come home. He is relishing every moment of his new life, surrounded by his family and back where he belongs.

He has truly been enjoying rediscovering his friends and appreciating the changes in their lives. Even if he has been gone for years, he doesn’t feel out of place, or left out at all. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. He is surprised he has regained his place in the gang so easily after all that has happened. Now, he understands how lucky he is to have found all of them when he had been so young and so naïve.

He has been spending a lot of time with his mother. Jennifer is so happy to have him back in her everyday life. She is engaged to a nice guy she met through the real estate agency, after having broken up with Tucker a few years ago. Matt is a little younger than her, yet not as young as her previous lover had been. She seems truly happy with him. It’s been two years now since she met him, and Justin is glad for his mother; when he observes them together, seeing the small gestures they share or hearing their laugher filling the house, Justin truly believes Matt is the one for her.

Molly, who is finishing her studies to become a teacher, doesn’t have as much time now that she is back in classes, but they have spent a lot of time catching up during the summer. During that time, Justin promised to himself that he would be more present in her life from now on, as she’d admitted she would like to see him more, too. Justin had been relieved when she didn’t just tell him to fuck off, since he hadn’t been a regular presence in her life for the past ten years.

Justin had also contacted Daphne, who is now working as a doctor on the West Coast. She is married to a man she met while doing her medical internship, and she is working as a primary care physician in a renowned hospital. Therefore, she doesn’t come home as much as she would like to. Nevertheless, she’d told him she should be able to take a few days off in a couple of months. Justin would have gone and seen her, but she seems too overwhelmed with work, so it’s not a possibility at the moment. Still, he can’t wait to see her.

As for his professional life, his plan to open a new gallery in Pittsburgh is slowly emerging. He has found an ideal locale, situated near the gay district, and he has already contacted some contractors who are scheduled to begin renovating the place in the next few weeks. His plan is to open another Taylor-Cohen Gallery, where he can show his works, but also promote emerging artists again, along with some masterpieces from his friend Pierre Cohen’s collection. The works from the most promising artists will be exhibited in both the U.S. and France, since Justin is still in contact with Louise Cohen and her father. He has yet to find an assistant, but Lindsay’s knowledge should serve him well, since she still works for Sydney Bloom and can help him find some good candidates.

Thanks to his being financially frugal and his mother’s insight, he had found an apartment near the gay district, too, within a ten-minute walk from his future gallery. The place is exactly what he had in mind before he’d begun his research. Huge windows, a lot of natural light, two separated rooms for a bedroom and a studio. Justin has spent a lot of time in the past two months redecorating the place and doing some minor remodelling work to it. He has yet to organize a housewarming party, but he thinks it may happen soon.

He is one busy man at the moment.

Of course, the only drawback with his return has been his former lover’s predicament. So, when Brian had simply refused to see him, Justin had understood how lost Brian was over his partner’s departure, and how hard it was for him to deal with it. Justin suspected that his return didn’t help at all; quite the contrary. How would  _ he _ have reacted if Brian had come back into his life, right after facing the loss of his current partner? Justin doesn’t know, but he suspects he would have had the same reaction. Thus, he perfectly understands Brian’s need to deal with it on his own and wants to respect his wishes. It’s the least he can do.

Still, it had been hard to know the man was in so much pain, and withdrawing from all his friends, but Justin had thought that Brian would come around eventually. He always did in the past. Justin could only hope that Brian hadn’t changed that much.

Now, sitting here around this table, with his friends chattering and laughing in the living room, Justin knows he had been right. Brian is still fighting to be here, but he  _ is _ here. That’s the most important part.

He is here.

* * *

**_A few minutes later_ **

Slowly opening the door leading to the backyard, Justin hesitates slightly before walking outside. It takes a few seconds for his eyes to get used to the relative darkness of the night. Finally, he spots the silhouette he was searching for a few feet away, sitting on the steps of the back porch, apparently lost in thought.

Justin comes closer and quietly sits next to Brian. He takes out his pack of cigarettes from his jacket pocket, along with a lighter, and lights one. He definitely should quit, as he doesn’t even smoke a lot anymore; but, expectedly, he’s a little nervous. So, blowing the smoke in the relatively still, warm air of the rapidly encroaching night, he waits. He doesn’t have to wait for too long, though.

“You really should quit that shit.”

The voice is a welcome noise to Justin’s ears, as it means Brian is lowering his defenses, at least a little. The younger man chuckles and takes another puff.

After a few seconds, he retorts, “Says the man who has smoked like a chimney for a good part of his life.” Justin keeps his gaze ahead, not wanting to look at the man beside him for now, for fear of destabilizing the delicate balance they share at the moment.

“All the more reason for you to listen to me.” Justin can’t help but smile a little at Brian’s answer.

They stay silent for quite some time after that, Justin smoking his cigarette, while Brian just sits there, looking into the night.

“How are you?” It’s Brian who’s the first to ask that question, and Justin feels a swell in his chest. He looks at the cold ashes of his cigarette evaporating into the air.

“I’m fine.” It’s true. He is; more than fine.

“Good.” As Justin’s gaze slightly shifts towards his right side, he can ascertain that Brian is bending over, with his elbows on his knees, seemingly looking at his feet, as he rubs one foot against the cement of the steps.

“Don’t you think  _ I _ should be the one asking that question?” Justin can’t help but point out. Leave it to Brian Kinney to ask about other people’s lives when  _ he  _ is the one going through hell.

“Maybe...” Brian answers, shifting slightly and looking up at the space in front of them. “Who gives a shit?”

Justin snorts, before responding sincerely, “I do.” He peers over at Brian, seemingly unnoticed, as Brian doesn’t acknowledge his gaze.

Brian looks down, concentrating on a stone lying at his feet. He leans over to reach it and finally whispers, “I know...,” before rearing his arm back and throwing it into the grass several yards away.

Justin has to say it once more. Taking a deep breath, he turns to really look at Brian, who is still gazing towards the place where the stone had landed. “If you need any...”

Brian cuts him off immediately, his facial features hardening. “Don’t start with that shit.”

However, as soon as the words come out of his mouth, Brian stops and softens before adding, “I’ve heard it enough by now to last a lifetime.” He sighs. “Do I look like a lost cause to you?” At last, Brian turns to look at Justin for the first time since their conversation had started.

“No,” Justin answers honestly, locking his gaze with Brian’s.

If someone would observe them now, he would think that there is an unspoken message that is being shared at that instant. The intensity of their shared look would show that there is undoubtedly a history between them.

Brian finally breaks eyes contact, saying playfully after pursing his lips together, “That’s comforting...” His retort makes Justin smile briefly.

Looking down, the younger man has to ask, “How are  _ you _ ? I mean, really?” Then, he turns to glance at his companion once more.

Brian hesitates, a vulnerable look appearing surreptitiously on his beautiful features.

“I will survive...” He finally answers, rubbing his face.

Justin understands it’s Brian’s way of making him know, without saying it out loud, that he is not there yet; that the hurt he feels is still there, like an unwelcomed friend who stays by his side every day. Justin’s heart goes out to Brian; still, he is grateful for the other man’s honesty. It gives him hope that one day, maybe in the not-so-distant future, he and Brian can be friends.

A new silence follows, but it is a comfortable one. Neither man needs to say anything more at the moment. Just being close to each other is enough.

Finally, Brian states, “Okay; I really don’t need any more gossip as it is. I should get back inside.” Standing up, he pauses for a few seconds next to Justin, before turning around and walking toward the direction of the back door.

Reaching it, he is about to open it when he halts. Frowning, Brian turns around and asks, “Are you coming? Or, are you going to play the nostalgic teenage girl who is sitting outside all by herself, secretly hoping that the popular guy is going to come back and woo her?” Brian finishes his sentence with a teasing tone in his voice.

Turning to look directly at Brian, Justin can’t help but tease him back, “In case you’ve forgotten, you are the one who just spent about thirty minutes outside all by himself; no doubt with a hang-dog look in your eyes,” he retorts, grinning.

Brian looks horrified. “Do you have a death wish I’m not aware off?” Still, he can’t help the ghost of a smile that appears on his face. “Come on, I’m not going to wait for you until dawn.”

“I’m coming.” Justin stands up and follows Brian inside, back to their friends.

Nobody comments as they enter the living room  _ together _ . Brian leaves ten minutes later, saying his goodbyes to everybody at once as Justin’s gaze catches hazel eyes one last time.

When Justin goes back to his  place that night, he feels like the night air is a little lighter than usual.

 


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three weeks after their encounter at Debbie's; while Brian tries to go on with his life, Justin needs some help with a specific problem...

**_Three weeks later_ **

**Brian’s POV**

It’s a typical Thursday morning at Kinnetik. The phone is ringing, people are working on projects in the Art Department, and the noise of employees tapping on their computers can be heard in the open space situated right behind the reception area. The CEO is currently meeting with his Art Director in his office.

“You’re sure Stuart is up to it?” Brian is sitting at his desk, skimming through a file in his hands, a doubtful expression on his face.

“I know he is,” Marty answers confidently. “He did a great job on the Strauss account. It’s time for us to let him handle a bigger one.”

“Hmm…” Brian pinches his nose, frowning slightly.

Reaching a decision, he straightens up in his chair as he gives the file back to Marty. “Okay; just make sure he doesn’t fuck it up, or he will have my foot up his ass.”  Brian puts his joined hands on his desk and plants a big, fake smile on his face before looking at Marty and adding with a pointed stare, “And he won’t be the only one.”

“I wouldn’t dare,” Marty grins, knowing his boss too well by now.

Just then, Ted enters the office with a thick folder under his arm. Pausing to look at the two men in front of him, he asks, “Have you finished?”

“Theodore, only you can ask that kind of question when you are actually barging into the room without knocking,” Brian replies with an intimidating stare on his face, making Ted squirm a little. Then Brian adds with a smirk, “But don’t lose your confidence; it’s hot!”

Ted snorts and shakes his head, making his way over to a vacant chair as Marty leaves the room, nodding at Brian and Ted.

“So...” Ted puts the folder on Brian’s desk. “Here is all you have to sign by tomorrow...Pay checks, bills, and requisition requests.”

“Is it that time of the month again?” Brian half-jokes, already bored by his future obligations. All he receives in return is a patronizing sort of look from Ted.

Brian sighs and rubs his face before beginning to sign the papers Ted places in front of him. He can’t wait for the week to come to an end. He still loves his job, even during times like this, since it’s probably the only thing in the past few months that has helped him keep his sanity. Still, he is exhausted, which is not surprising considering he doesn’t sleep well these days. He hasn’t slept well in more than six months.

Frankly, however, he is bored to death by all these administrative duties. It is definitely one part of being a CEO that he hates the most.

A few minutes later, Ted frowns, realizing there are some papers missing. “Wait... I forgot some contracts in my office.” Rising up from his chair, he informs Brian, “I’ll be right back,” before leaving the room.

“Oh, joy...” Brian intones drolly, before going back to his duties.

Suddenly, Brian hears a buzzing noise coming from beneath the pile of papers Ted has just left on his desk. Pushing them aside, he discovers the accountant’s cell phone is vibrating, indicating an incoming call. Looking closer at the name on the screen, he grins somewhat evilly before impulsively picking it up.

“I take it no one has told you that calling Theodore during his work time is not a good idea? Hell, calling him at any time could even be considered detrimental to your health,” Brian greets the caller without any preamble.

“Brian?” To say that the caller is surprised to hear his voice would be an understatement, if the tone of his voice is any indication.

“You’re perceptive,” Brian teases.

“I...You...”

“Or not,” Brian replies, tongue-in cheek.

Justin finally snaps out of his astonishment. “Do you mind? I’m trying to form a sentence here.”

“Oh, he can speak! That’s a relief.”

“Brian,” Justin responds then, half-laughing.

“Justin,” Brian retorts with the same tone in his voice. He hears Justin groaning on the phone.

“Okay...” Brian hears some noise, like Justin is holding his phone in the crook of his neck.  “Can you just tell Ted to call me back? I need to talk to him.”

Brian frowns, pausing for a second, before asking seriously, “You need something?”

Justin sighs. “Actually... My plumber is a stupid jerk and I need to fire him.”

Brian repeats his words with an amused voice, “Your...plumber...really?”

“Don’t laugh.” Brian can hear Justin smiling through the phone, undoubtedly understanding how it must sound.

“I wouldn’t dare,” Brian answers, pinching his lips together.

“Right...” Justin doesn’t seem convinced. “Listen; I’m renovating a space to transform it into a gallery, and I just need one person I can trust who won’t break everything while they’re doing the work I pay him for.” Justin sounds exasperated by now. “And I swear I’m going to kill this guy by the end of the day! So if you could ask Ted to call me, I would appreciate it...”

Brian chuckles over the annoyance in Justin’s voice. “Sure.” He thinks for about two seconds before coming to a decision. “Okay. Tell me where you are.”

“Huh?”

Brian rolls his eyes. “I said...Tell me where you are. I’ll come over and take a look at the work that has to be done, and I’ll personally call my contractors. That way, you’ll be sure to have your work done on time.”

Brian notices a distinct hesitation coming from the other end of the phone, and can almost see Justin frowning now. “I...You don’t have to do that.”

“Actually, I do. It’s either that, or I have to stay with Ted for the next hour, sighing a shit load of fucking papers. Do you have any idea how boring that is?  You _have_ to save me!”

Justin chuckles. “I’m glad to see that _some_ things never change. Well, if you put it _that_ way…”

“What? You actually thought that I might eventually learn to enjoy and cherish Ted’s amazing accounting skills one day? Think again,” Brian retorts in a very serious tone. Just as he says it, Ted returns to his office, peering back at him with raised eyebrows.

“You sure are a true friend, Bri,” Ted mumbles, shaking his head with an _‘I know your secret identity’_ look on his face, before sitting in the chair he vacated a few minutes ago.

Brian stares over at him briefly before concentrating again on his phone conversation. After a few more exchanges with Justin to arrange a meeting for a half-hour later, he finally hangs up.

“Here...your phone, Theodore,” Brian informs his colleague before throwing it on Ted’s lap. Then, he stands up and grabs his jacket.

“What? Who was it?”

“It was Superman, of course. And once more, he’d just saved a life. Isn’t it great?”

Ted’s face is priceless. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, he needs my help with a little problem he has; thus, he’s saving me from a fate worse than death,” Brian quips. “So, Theodore, I’m afraid we will have to postpone our charming ‘rendezvous’ for another time,” he announces with a fake grin on his face.

Ted sighs, looking at his phone, ascertaining by now who ‘Superman’ was. He has the good sense not to comment about it, however. “You’re aware these papers have to be signed by tomorrow, right?”

“And you’re aware I’m the CEO, right?” Brian counters with a piercing stare back at him.

“Well, you’re the boss. Your company. Your money...” Ted tries to subtly make Brian change his mind.

“Ted...” Brian warns him with a stern look.

Ted peers over at him. Brian’s stare is so much more effective than words.

“I’ll see you later. Have a good morning!” Ted finally responds as he surrenders to the inevitable and exits Brian’s office, leaving all the paperwork on his boss’s desk.

Brian’s gaze follows his retreat before looking down at the papers in front of him. He leans in closer and looks at them with a disgusting expression on his face, hesitating for about ten seconds before making his way out his office door.

* * *

**_Two hours later..._**

“You didn’t have to do this.”

The diner is bursting with activity; conversation and the clanging of cutlery filling the air. Justin and Brian are sitting in a booth, facing each other, as they’ve decided to have some lunch before going back to their respective duties.

“Sure I did,” Brian answers the question as if were the stupidest one he has ever heard. “Have you seen your plumber? He was a real dork. You should have asked for my advice first, before hiring a loser,” Brian states, before taking a sip of his water.

“How could I have known he was a loser?” Justin retorts as he takes a bite of his cheeseburger.

Brian looks at him as if he is nuts. “You’re not seriously asking me that question, are you?” Brian takes his fork to plunge it in his Caesar salad. “Come on, have you seen him? He had _‘I’m a perfect fool’_ written all over his face.”

Justin chuckles. “Okay...I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right. You should know that,” Brian replies with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, shaking his head while raising his left hand as if his statement is the ultimate truth.

“Uh, huh...” Justin mumbles in bemusement, his mouth full.

They eat in companionable silence for the next two minutes before Brian starts speaking again.

“So; you’re really doing it...” Brian is now picking absently at some food on his plate.

Justin shakes his head, a confused expression on his face. “Doing what?”

“Opening a gallery in fucking Pittsburgh.” Brian looks up at Justin.

Justin seems puzzled over Brian’s question as he answers, “Yes; I’m doing it.”

“ _Why_?” Brian doesn’t understand how a man like Justin, who has spent many years living in the most beautiful cities of the world, would want to come back to the Pitts.

“What do you mean?” Justin seems genuinely confused.

“Why did you come back? I mean, you’ve lived in some of the most beautiful cities in Europe for the past seven years...” Brian says, without finishing his sentence, his silence more profound than any words he could come up with.

“And your point is?” Justin pushes him deliberately, even if he already understands what Brian is trying to convey.

“My point is, how can you come back after all _that_ ?” Brian says with a gesture of his hand.   _How can he come back here after all he has seen? After all he has lived?_

“Because I _wanted_ to,” Justin simply states, taking a last mouthful from his plate.

Brian snorts and shakes his head. “That’s not a good enough reason.”

Justin actually chuckles and swallows his food before answering, like what he is going to say is the most obvious thing in the world. “Sure it is.” He finally looks up to gauge what Brian’s reaction is going to be regarding his next words. “You taught me that.”

Brian was all set to refute Justin’s point of view until his brain suddenly acknowledged Justin’s last sentence.  “I… _what?_ ”

Justin pauses, looking at Brian intently. “Always do what you want. Don’t do what the others want you to do. Don’t let anyone decide what is best for you. Think for yourself. Follow your dreams. Make sure it happens...Does that ring a bell?” Justin expresses calmly, a light smile on his face.

In reaction to Brian’s silence, Justin becomes deadly serious. “Pittsburgh is my _home_ , Brian. It always was. It always will be.” Justin studies him sideways, seemingly thinking, before admitting, “I might have been a little slow to realize that.” He peers unflinchingly into Brian’s eyes as he tells him, “But neither you, nor anybody else, is going to change the way I feel.”

Brian is momentarily rendered speechless by Justin’s confident response.

As he looks intently at his former lover, he realizes he doesn’t know him anymore. And yet, there’s something there, something... _familiar._

It’s a weird feeling. But it’s not necessarily a bad one.

* * *

**_Several hours later..._**

**Justin’s POV**

As the day comes to an end, a little chill filling the air while the sun begins to set, Justin goes home, alone, walking down familiar streets from his past, lost in thought.

_The past._

It has a way of getting to you when you don’t really look for it. Or at least Justin feels that way at the moment.

When Justin had awakened this morning, he would have never imagined spending a part of his day with Brian. Since their last encounter at Debbie’s, they hadn’t spoken once, Justin being too busy with the gallery and his day-to-day life to even consider the possibility of seeing him again. Moreover, Justin didn’t really know what to make of their last conversation. Did it mean that a friendship could grow between them going forward? Or, had it been just an interlude, brought about by the circumstances of them being together in the same room for the first time? Had it even been _real_?

Either way, Justin had already decided that if Brian wanted to see him, he would be available anytime. But he wasn’t going to wait for him to call, either. He had his own life to live. If Brian wanted to be a part of his life, as a friend, Justin would have no problem with it. If not, he wouldn’t cry over it.

The last three weeks, Justin had literally been tearing his hair out dealing with the workers he had hired to supervise the construction of his future gallery. Everything had seemed to go wrong with the schedule he had set up. And then on top of that, his plumber had been better at sabotaging the work he had been paid to do, rather than actually doing it. He was supposed to install modern, low-usage plumbing features as mandated by the city, in order to reduce water consumption, since the former system was totally inadequate for any future use that Justin planned _._ Of course, he should have been more careful when he had hired the man, and should have asked for references of past job completions to prove the man’s technical competence.

Therefore, earlier this morning, Justin had been about to lose it completely when the man’s ineptitude had reached a new crisis point.  He had forgotten to turn off the main water supply, and had consequently flooded a good part of the main room. Justin was faced with two options at that point: yelling, which would have felt damn good, even if it wouldn’t have been very productive – or taking some other action. He had finally chosen the latter

It had definitely been the right choice.

* * *

_Flashback, earlier that morning,_

After having decided to call Ted in order to ask him his advice about choosing a new plumber, Justin had been totally unprepared to hear Brian’s voice on the other end, greeting him with his unique, charming self. Unprepared, but also pleased, especially when Brian had offered to come and help him with his ‘plumbing’ problem.

Thirty minutes later, Justin meets him outside his ‘gallery-to-be.’ As Brian walks towards him, Justin can’t help thinking that his former partner is as beautiful as ever in his grey designer suit. Brian still radiates this aura of self-confidence everywhere he goes, even more so now that he is older.

Some things never change.

Halting next to him and looking at the front window, Brian leans sideways to greet him. “Hey.”

Justin can smell the other man’s unique essence. He smiles. “Hey.”

Brian’s face is indecipherable. “So, this is it?”

Justin nods and gestures with a grand sweep of his hand. “It is. What do you think?”

“The location is great. Is the interior as appealing?” Brian inquires, raising his eyebrows.

Justin chuckles, knowing exactly what Brian is going to think about the place. “I wouldn’t exactly say that,” he answers mysteriously. “Come on, before the plumber does any more damage.”

Brian frowns. “You haven’t fired him yet?”

“I wouldn’t have dared deny you the pleasure of witnessing it personally.”

That one makes Brian smile at last. “How thoughtful of you...”

They walk through the front door and Justin stops, letting Brian discover the place by himself. He knows it’s impossible at the moment to imagine what the place is going to look like after the renovations are complete. There is dust and dirt everywhere, the floor is littered with dirty, flowered wallpaper that even Justin’s grandmother wouldn’t have wanted in her own place – and that’s saying something - and the walls are half-destroyed, as the workers have just begun to tear them down to open up the space and create one, big room.

A moment later, Brian walks back from the rear of the building before stopping in the middle of the room they’re in. Justin finally joins him, eager to hear his verdict. “This place...” Brian pauses, pursing his lips together, “potentially...” He looks at the ceilings before taking one more look around the place, “...has potential.”

Justin bursts out laughing. “Potentially has potential? Really? That’s the best you can do?”

Brian chuckles as well, before stating, “Would you prefer if I said, ‘Only you can even remotely see potential with this place?”

Justin shakes his head, smiling widely. “No. I know you have far too much tact than that, Mister ‘Ad Man.’”

Brian nods in agreement, concluding, “So, ‘potentially has potential’ it is.”

Justin retorts, “Lucky for you I have a great eye. This place will be the best gallery in Pittsburgh; hell, in all Pennsylvania! You’ll see,” Justin states confidently.

“I’m sure it will be. Once you take down all these hideous walls,” Brian replies with a disgusting look on his face. “Who were the last owners of this place? Professional dope smokers?” Justin laughs out loud. “Seriously, have you seen all these flowers? Did they have some kind of hippie kink or something?” Brian asks, with a serious face and a frown.

“Who knows?” Justin answers playfully. “What I DO know is that I got this place for way under market value, since it’s been listed for more than two years now. It was a real bargain.”

“Yeah…lucky you,” Brian repeats a little cynically. “But like I said, you’re the only one who can really see its potential, even if I do admit I might see it, too…” Brian frowns, before adding, “…potentially.” Then, his face lights up as he seems to remember something. “Your plumber is in the back, by the way. He is having a _deep_ conversation with a very _long_ and very _hard_ pipe…Can you believe it?”

Justin bursts out laughing once more.

* * *

One hour later, Justin has finally fired the plumber and found a new one, thanks to Brian. The dismissed plumber has left the place without too much complaint, mainly because he had been scared to death of Brian’s murderous look when he had begun to protest. Also, Brian’s little _‘I’m going to stick that fucking pipe down your throat if you don’t shut up’_ speech had been quite effective. Brian’s patience was not at his best these days.

Brian and Justin are eating at the diner when Brian finally asks _that_ question. The one Justin has been waiting for, since he figured Brian wouldn’t understand his choice to come back after so many years.

“ _Why_?”

After beating around the bush a little, Justin finally settles for the truth. “Because I wanted to.” Of course, he should have known Brian wouldn’t accept his explanation so readily.

“That’s not a good enough reason.”

“Sure it is. You taught me that.”

That takes Brian by surprise. Well, it was the point.  “I... what?”

Justin makes sure to have Brian’s full attention before stating calmly, “Always do what you want. Don’t do what the others want you to do. Don’t let anyone decide what is best for you. Think for yourself. Follow your dreams. Make sure it happens...Does that ring a bell?”

Turning deadly serious, Justin adds, “Pittsburgh is my home, Brian. It always was. It always will be.” Justin momentarily thinks back to the conversation with that stranger in the gallery. It had been the little push he had needed to make his decision. “I might have been a little slow to realize that.” His gaze shifts back to Brian’s. “But neither you, nor anybody else, is going to change the way I feel.”

Brian doesn’t respond. He just looks at him, with that intense stare that can hold so many emotions at once.

Finally, as the stare lasts more than necessary, Brian smiles and says one word before breaking their gaze.

“Okay.”

And then, Justin smiles, too.

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four months later, the Taylor-Cohen gallery is about to be officialy inaugurated. But what Justin doesn't know yet, is that by the end of the day, he is also going to make a shocking discovery...

**_The diner, four months later, February 2015_ **

**Emmett’s POV**

Emmett Honeycutt is sitting at the counter in the diner, reading the news - or at least the fashion part of it - while blowing on his lukewarm coffee and sipping it. The doorbell rings, signalling a new customer is arriving, but the fact barely crosses his brain, since he is still focused on a captivating image of a very male and very elegant young man dressed in style – or should he say instead, in ‘ _ Honeycutt _ ’ style.

“Hi, Emmett,” Justin plops himself into the seat beside him, a wide smile on his face.

“Hi, Sweetie!” Emmett puts his newspaper down on the counter before looking at his friend. It’s Justin’s big day today. His gallery’s official opening is planned for tonight. “What are you doing here? You’re not about to panic and run away to New York, are you?” Emmett says teasingly with a playful tone coloring his voice.

Justin laughs, “No. I’m not going to do something stupid. Have you noticed I’m not a crazy teenager anymore?”

“I’ve noticed alright...But I do think you could still be carded because of your youthful, innocent but handsome face,” Emmett quips.

“Please, Emmett, don’t remind me.” Justin rolls his eyes as he grimaces.

Emmett puts his elbow on the counter and rests his head on his hand, focusing on his friend. “So, everything is ready?”

“Yes, it is,” Justin confirms, looking at his watch.  “In six and a half hours, the Taylor-Cohen gallery will be officially inaugurated.” He beams.

“And you are a very lucky man, Justin Taylor,” Emmett says, touching Justin’s forearm. “It’s your dream comes true!”

“Yeah,” Justin looks down and smiles  _ that _ smile. “Who would have thought?”

“You should be proud,” Emmett states.

“Thanks, Emmett.” Justin looks up. “I  _ am _ a little nervous, though. My friends Peter and Daphne will be here and, well, Mr. Cohen and Mr. Dale will be here too, and...I just...” Justin shakes his head, before smiling once more, “I’m so excited!”

“You  _ should _ be!” Emmett proclaims. “You want to take a walk this afternoon? Maybe do some shopping or something? It might help you not to think too much about tonight…or you might just self-combust before it even starts!”

Justin looks at his friend softly. “No. Thank you, Emmett; but I’m meeting with Brian. And don’t you have some cooking to do for one of your favorite clients, anyway?”

Emmett tilts his head. “I’ll have you know that everything is under control, so I have the time to wander around for a couple of hours. But if you’re already meeting with Brian...” He shrugs.

“Hmm...” Justin responds a little self-consciously. “He wants to make sure I’ll be ‘appropriately’ dressed.” Emmett raises his eyebrows, prompting Justin to add, “You know, dressed with style as opposed to looking like some bohemian artist.” Justin rolls his eyes. “He wouldn’t have left me alone if I’d said no.”

“If you ask me, I’d say you’re a product, and Brian wants to sell you.” Emmett winks.

“Yeah; well, he helped me with all the renovations, so I didn’t have the courage to say no to him,” Justin explains, “But I swear if we spend more than an hour in this shop where we went twice already to choose this fucking outfit, I’m going to kill him.”

Emmett laughs, “You two are really great buddies now, aren’t you?”

Justin smiles cautiously as he confirms, “We’re friends.”

“Friends...?” Emmett inquires softly.

“Don’t do that.” Justin reacts immediately. In front of Emmett’s gaze, he feels the need to add, “Listen…Brian and I, we’re just friends. And if you, or anyone else starts up with that shit, nothing good will come out of it.”

Justin pauses and looks sideways momentarily before stating seriously, “Just...please; I don’t want anyone to imply anything else. I don’t want him to feel...” Justin gestures with his hand, not knowing exactly how to explain it. “…that we’re not in a good place. I don’t want to lose that.”

“Okay.” Emmett sighs. “Can I give you some advice, though?”

Justin stares at him, seemingly debating whether or not he wants to hear what Emmett has to say, before nodding slightly.

Emmett puts his right hand on Justin’s knee, and makes sure to have Justin’s full attention before saying, “Be careful, Justin. I know you want to respect him and all that; but, Sweetie…just tread carefully, okay?” 

Justin’s stare alters imperceptibly.

Yet, Emmett sees it. He can only hope things will not become complicated very soon.

* * *

In the last five months or so, Emmett has been witnessing the birth of a new relationship between Brian and Justin. What had appeared at first to be a quasi, non-existent reconnection eight months ago, when Justin had initially returned, had evolved over time to become a real friendship between the two men.

At first, though, when they had finally started to speak to each other, all their talk had been work-related, or at least it had seemed that way. Justin had obviously needed help with the renovations of his future gallery. Brian, who never  _ had _ been a man who could stay away when a member of his ‘family’ was asking for help, had offered to provide him with his expertise on the matter, along with his contacts.

Or course, Brian had still been vulnerable at the time, but everybody had been happy to see him moving on with his life and reverting back to more of his old self…at least  _ apparently _ . Emmett had no doubts about the fact that it was way more complicated than that. During that time, when Brian didn’t know he was observing him, he could still detect a contemplative look on his friend’s face as if he were lost in deep thought.  In those moments, it was like Brian’s mask would momentarily slip, revealing his true feelings. Emmett doubted that anybody else noticed, but he knew that his friend was still struggling and hurting. Emmett could only hope that time would help him to  _ really _ move on. Time, and maybe  _ something  _ or _ someone  _ else...

And then, there had been Justin’s housewarming party.

* * *

**_Flashback, early November_ **

“Is everything ready?” Justin asks, looking around at all the dishes setting on his kitchen table. All his guests had just arrived, and Emmett is actively working to put the last, decorative touches on the various appetizers he had prepared earlier in the day.

“It is.” Emmett puts one last chive on the plate in front of him and straightens himself up. “Now, Baby, time to go greet your guests!”

Just as Justin moves to join his friends in the living room, Emmett hears a deep voice coming from the doorway, and looks up just in time to see Brian entering the kitchen. “What do we have here?” The man asks as if he owns the place.

“Hey, Brian.” Justin smiles as Brian makes his way over to the kitchen counter before carefully eyeing the dishes in front of him.

Almost as an afterthought, Brian gazes up and smiles at the other two men. “Hey, Sunshine; Emmett.”

Emmett isn’t sure he has heard him right. _ Sunshine...Sunshine? _

Looking at the dishes once more, Brian inquires curiously, “What’s that?” He points to one particular plate of appetizers with his forefinger, sporting a frowning look on his face.

Justin explains, “It’s crêpes with salmon and a cream herbal sauce, Brian.”

In reaction to Brian’s disgusted look, Justin states confidently, “They’re delicious!”

“Seriously?” Brian looks at Justin like the young man has lost his mind.  “You’re actually telling me you like this kind of thing?”

“I do. Crêpes are delicious. You should try one.” Justin grins in amusement.

“Please! Next you’re going tell me you like camembert.” Brian seems to shudder at the mere thought.

Justin comes closer and replies playfully, “I  _ like _ camembert. And French cheese in general. Cantal _ , _ Gruyere _. _ ..oh, and Gouda; that cheese is the best!” He  _ cocks _ his head a little and adds with a grin, “There’s nothing better paired with some charcuterie than a good glass of Bordeaux.”

Brian steps back, playing the horrified guest, “Red wine, really? What happened to Margaritas? And more importantly, what happened to  _ you _ ?” He asks with a slow shake of his head and a false, questioning gaze on his face, trying not to smile.

Justin plays along, pursing his lips and gesturing at himself with his right hand. “I think I grew up a little, in case you haven’t noticed.” Then, he turns around to grab a plate with the clear intention of taking it into the living room.

“I noticed alright...” Brian’s gaze follows Justin’s back. Emmett has the distinct impression that both men have forgotten he is even in the room. “You’ve become such a ‘ _ French _ ’ snob...” Then, Brian adds with a grin, “Good for you.”

Just then, Debbie barges into the room, followed closely by Jennifer and Blake. The mother of all queers seems to be on a mission. “What are you three waiting for? You want us to starve out there?” She takes a plate from Justin’s hand and orders, “In the living room, now!”

Justin does as he is told, grabbing another plate to bring with him, and Emmett witnesses the look on Brian’s face when Justin playfully whispers, “Behave!” and turns to walk towards the main room. Brian actually smiles when Justin can’t see him anymore.

Emmett realizes that this is it. A true friendship is really beginning.

**_End of Flashback_ **

* * *

At the time, Emmett had been surprised. He didn’t know that Brian and Justin had become so comfortable with each other since they had started speaking again. Everybody had known that it wasn’t going to be easy for them, seeing each other on a regular basis, sharing the same friends, even the same family, after so many years apart. They had both changed. They had both met other people; they had both deeply loved other men. Still, they were each other’s first love, a love that didn’t end because of some hard feelings. How would they deal with it?

Aidan’s leaving had hit Brian hard. Really hard. Brian was a strong man; otherwise, he wouldn’t have survived what he had gone through during that time if not for this inner strength he had inside of him. But his heart...his heart was fragile and had been shattered into a million pieces not once, but twice.

A man can still seem to be functioning in his everyday life.  But sometimes what others around him fail to notice is that he is actually dead inside. Emmett had been afraid of that, and he hadn’t been the only one. But each time Brian has been able to persevere, thanks to the men in his life. The irony was clear here. Aidan had helped Brian to move on from his heartbreak with Justin, as a friend. Now, Justin was doing the same thing; because what Emmett had seen that night at Justin’s housewarming party had been exactly that. Justin was helping Brian to feel better and to go on with his life as a true friend would do.  

_ Friendship. _

It could be considered as something close to marriage in a way, without the ‘in love’ part. Real friends are there for each other, listening, reassuring, comforting. They are there when a friend is in a bad place. They don’t give up.

In some rare cases, the line between sincere friendship and ‘true love’ can be thin. In Brian and Justin’s case, that statement couldn’t be truer, in light of their past history. Consequently, Emmett knows their relationship is more meaningful than a simple friendship, a fact that is not surprising. However, he doesn’t know if this will evolve into something  _ more _ or not. Only time will tell.

One thing is certain, though. Over the last few months since Justin’s housewarming party, Justin and Brian’s relationship had become  _ stronger _ somehow. And yet, Emmett feels that the balance between them could still collapse in a heartbeat.

So, the question is, what will happen now?

* * *

**Justin’s POV**

Today is one of the most important days of Justin’s life. The official opening of the gallery is finally a reality, and Justin has to prepare himself for a big night tonight. All his friends and family will be there.  _ All _ of them.

There will be the obvious guests: his mom and her husband; Molly, all the Liberty gang, along with the kids, and Debbie and Carl. Still, there are other people that Justin can’t wait to see again.

Peter had flown in from Paris two days ago, alone. His boyfriend couldn’t make it, and Justin doubted he even wanted to be here. But knowing Peter had travelled to be with him tonight touches Justin more than he can say. They already have spent the last two days catching up, as Peter is staying at Justin’s place. Moreover, since his friend hails from Philadelphia, Peter will fly there in two days to visit his family.

Then, of course, there will be Daphne, who managed to take a few days off to be here. Justin can’t wait to see her again. They had spent some time together two months ago, when Justin had finally flown to the West Coast, since her schedule had been too tight to come back to the Pitts. Their reunion had been an emotional one, as they hadn’t seen each other in nearly five years.

Mr. Dale and Pierre Cohen are arriving this afternoon. Justin can’t wait to see them, too, and to show them all he has accomplished. The exhibition is going to feature a promising artist, Aaron Shane, who uses a unique technique to create spectacular, abstract paintings. Justin had been blown away by his talent, and had pursued him until he agreed to exhibit his works in the gallery. He hadn’t been the only one who had wanted him, but it turned out that he had been the most persistent one. Along with a few of his own paintings and Pierre Cohen’s contributions, the exhibition should be nothing but sensational.

Justin can’t wait.

At the moment, he is back at his apartment after having spent again more than an hour trying on his outfit for Brian. He finally decided that he had had enough, when Brian tried one last time to get him to try on a different scarf like he was some model, or even worse...a fucking Ken doll. However, he knew Brian just wanted him to be the best-looking host he could possibly be for his grand debut in Pittsburgh. Still, shopping with Brian Kinney was definitely as annoying as ever.

_ Brian _ . Their relationship has evolved a lot in the last few months. They have gone from a non-existent one, when Brian had been a no-show for three months, to an awkward one when they had been tiptoeing around each other for a short time, to a real friendship a few weeks later. Justin is really glad Brian has allowed him to be a part of his life again. He doesn’t analyze or think too much about how easy it is for them to interact with each other as they discuss their lives or their aspirations. Yet, they never talk about feelings or other things of a romantic nature. They’re not ready for that.

Brian has helped Justin a lot with the renovation of his new space for the gallery. It is as if the gallery’s success was as important to Brian as it is for Justin. Brian’s expertise and devotion to the task has been the greatest support Justin could have hoped for.

And now, he is going to relish every moment of his night. He deserves it.

“Hey, where  _ are _ you?” Peter brings Justin back to the present, throwing a pillow at him to make sure he’s still with him. Peter had taken a shower, and had spent almost an hour in the bathroom. Justin still has to get ready. They must be in the gallery by six o’clock – exactly one hour and forty-eight minutes from now. The opening itself is scheduled for 6:30 p.m.

“I’m right here, Mister ‘ _ I monopolize the bathroom everywhere I go’ _ ! So nice of you to finally get out of my way...” Justin teases his friend. Peter has always been a ‘hygiene freak’ as Justin calls him.

“What did you say?” Peter responds, ready to start another pillow fight, a game the two friends have participated in frequently in the past.

“Come on, Peter; you know you want it!” Justin is so happy now that he would do anything to please his friend. Not that he would ever admit that he loves their stupid game, especially at thirty-one years-old.

“Okay, your shower will have to wait, even if I die from suffocation in the meantime,” Peter teases Justin back.

“What did you just say?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Justin throws a pillow at Peter, who fights back.

It’s such a great day.

* * *

**_Several hours later, Taylor-Cohen Gallery_ **

“You really outdid yourself, kid.”

_ ‘Kid _ .’ That’s the way Mr. Dale refers to Justin when he is proud of him. Justin beams under the praise of his mentor.

“Thanks. And really, I wouldn’t be here if not for you today; just so you know...” Justin replies cryptically, knowing how Mr. Dale feels about gratitude.

“It’s your talent, and nothing else that has brought you here today, son. Never forget that,” the older man responds firmly.  “I’m just glad it wasn’t wasted along the way. And of course, if you want to do something for me, you can help promote one of my works soon,” he replies, his expression strictly neutral.

_ That’s Mr. Dale. Always the expressive one. _ “I’ll be very glad to do so, whenever you want,” Justin assures him, unable to stop the light from appearing in his eyes. He is so happy.

“Of course,” Mr. Dale responds with a nod. “Now, enjoy this moment, Justin.” He finally takes a step in the direction of one of the paintings displayed on an adjacent wall, just as an art reporter approaches him. Justin watches them and shakes his head, a little grin appearing on his face. Mr. Dale has always been quite a character.

_ Good luck, Mr. Reporter; you don’t know what you’re in for... _

Justin finally walks a few feet away to join Daphne, who is standing with Peter, Lindsay and Gus.

The evening is a success. The exhibition has been open for more than two hours now, and the gallery is full of people chattering and raving about the place, the paintings, and even the food. Important guests – through Mr. Dale’s connections – and well-known art reporters, in addition to the artists being promoted, are all sporting relaxed expressions on their faces, and Justin feels like he is floating somehow from the high he is feeling, almost like an out-of-body experience. Everywhere he looks, he can see friendly faces animatedly interacting with the people next to them, or loners staring pensively at the art. Justin has already talked with a lot of guests, playing the perfect host; now he can finally relax and enjoy all his loved ones. He is having the greatest time of his life.

“I can’t believe it...You did it!” Daphne is ecstatic, marvelling at how wonderful it is to be here today with Justin and share in his success. “I still remember us spending all our summers in my parents’ pool, talking endlessly about our goals in life. And look at us now!” She exclaims with a wide smile on her face, interlacing her left arm with Justin’s.

“Yeah...It’s kind of crazy. And I’m so happy to share it with you guys. ” Justin smiles, looking at Peter and Lindsay while squeezing Daphne’s hand with his own.

“You can be so proud, Justin! It’s amazing... I’m so happy for you.” Lindsay smiles back at him with a soft look before whispering knowingly in his ear, “Sydney is green with jealousy...” As she steps back, she winks.

Gus, who has been examining some of the paintings on display, wanders over to stand next to his mother.  Justin smiles at him in greeting, noticing how much he resembles his father, even more than when he was younger.

“What do you think about all this, Gus?” he asks him curiously. He knows how much he loved art when he was approximately Gus’s age, but he realizes it doesn’t hold the same fascination for everyone when they are teenagers.

“It’s cool...And the food’s not bad, either,” Gus exclaims with a grin, curling his lips under just like someone else Justin knows.   _ Like his father, indeed… _

“Don’t forget the champagne...” Peter adds with a smirk, making everybody laugh.

Just then Jennifer, Matt and Molly, followed by Debbie and Carl, walk over to join them. Jennifer puts her arm around Justin’s shoulder, her eyes shining with so much love and pride for her son. “Honey, it’s wonderful!” She squeezes him a little and advises him, “Pierre was just telling us how impressed he is with the place, and the artist you’ve chosen for your first exhibition.” She finally releases him. “He is a charming man.”

“Yes, he is. And I’m glad he likes this place; it’s his gallery, too, after all,” Justin answers, gazing at his empty glass before looking up.

Debbie notices Justin’s silent wish. “Thirsty? Let me get you something to drink... And to eat! We wouldn’t want you to be drunk from something else other than euphoria tonight!” She says playfully in front of everybody, taking Justin’s glass from his hand before going in search of a waiter.

For the next two hours or so, everything is a blur. Justin enjoys every moment, taking the time to talk with everybody present: Michael and Ben, Ted and Blake, Emmett and Liam, Jennifer and Matt, Debbie and Carl, Lindsay and Melanie, Peter, Daphne, Pierre Cohen. Everybody congratulates him, the atmosphere becoming kind of magical and filled with a lot of laughter.

At last, Justin spots Brian standing in front of one of his paintings. But not just  _ any _ painting. It’s the one that sealed his fate. The painting that got Justin to move back.

_ Lost Love. _

Justin approaches him and doesn’t say anything. What Justin doesn’t know is that Brian has already seen this painting before, a long time ago.

Brian’s look is indecipherable. After a long moment, Brian turns to look at him and says simply, “Congratulations, Sunshine.” A real smile appears on his face, and Justin can’t do anything but smile back with a soft look on his face.

“I...” Justin opens his mouth, but the words seem to escape him for an instant. They gaze in each other’s eyes for a few more seconds than necessary before Justin finally responds, “Thank  _ you _ ...I wouldn’t be here today if not for you...” The double-meaning is not lost on both men at the moment, because they know Justin is not just talking about Brian’s help with the building’s renovations.

Brian just stares back at him with a soft gaze.

Finally, the older man asks, “So, what about a  _ real _ celebration? I believe I heard someone earlier talking about Babylon? What do you say?”

Justin grins. “Hell, yeah! I’m all for it. Lindsay and Melanie aren’t going because of the kids, but I think Emmett has already left with Liam, Daphne and Peter. Michael and Ben, along with Ted and Blake are ready to leave, too. I just have to stay a little longer until everybody leaves, and then I can join you,” Justin explains. The exhibition is coming to an end, and all the guests should be leaving in the next twenty minutes or so.

“I’ll wait for you,” Brian offers before frowning slightly, looking at his suit. “Although I’ll have to drive by the loft to change before we go to Babylon.”

Justin nods. “Not a problem.”

The truth is, Justin hasn’t set foot in the loft since last June, when he had been royally dismissed by Brian. He isn’t sure why, but until today he and Brian had always met either at his place or at the diner; at Debbie’s, even at Michael’s, but not at the loft.

Still, Justin doesn’t want to dwell on it too much, thinking that going there won’t change anything now that they are more comfortable and at ease with each other. Moreover, he is too happy at the moment to question it.

He couldn’t have been more wrong, though.

* * *

**_Forty-five minutes later, the loft_ **

As Justin comes up the stairs leading to the loft following Brian’s steps, a strange sensation descends upon him. He doesn’t know exactly what it is, maybe nostalgia or something, but he feels a little nervous, at least if the erratic beating of his heart is any indication.

A minute later as he walks through the metal door, he pauses briefly just inside and looks around the place before taking a tentative few steps and stopping at a strategic point; from the middle of the loft, he can observe the kitchen area and the living room area, and as he peers over toward the bedroom he sees Brian’s form walking in the direction of the bathroom.

“Make yourself comfortable. I’ll back in no time.” He hears Brian’s voice briefly, but he isn’t focused enough for his mind to really register the words. Instead, his heart is strangely constricted as his gaze sweeps over all the details his eyes fall upon. Everything feels familiar, and yet so different at the same time. Justin’s seventeen-year-old self is screaming inside, while Justin, the thirty-one-year, is taking it all in stride.

Then, his feet propel him around the room almost against his will, and his mind plays tricks on him, as the present and the past melt into a single image in front of him. His trance lasts for a few moments until he stops in front of a new bookcase.

He will question this moment in the future. As his eyes are inexplicably drawn to a particular book, which is tucked away on the shelf, his fingers grab it almost unconsciously.

The book is a collection of pictures, every one more mesmerizing than the last. The details, the light, the subjects, the colors; everything appeals to the artist in Justin. The photographer is certainly a very talented one, and Justin inwardly congratulates Brian on his choice.

Then he finally closes the beautiful book and turns it over to study the back cover. His heart misses a beat, and his eyes go wide as he recognizes the man staring back at him. Noticing the photographer’s name for the first time, Justin forgets to breathe for a second as he  _ finally _ understands.

_ It’s him...Aidan Cole, Brian’s boyfriend. _

_ Oh, fuck... _

“Hey,” Brian calls out to him, having made his way back to the living room. Justin didn’t heard him, obviously.

The voice startles him, and he loses his balance as he moves to turn around just before he drops the book, which lands on the floor with a big thump.

The silence that follows is deafening. Brian notices the apparent reason for Justin’s obvious agitation as the young man has trouble looking him in the eyes; the older man bends over to retrieve the book and stares at it for a few seconds, his face devoid of any outward emotion. Finally, Brian moves to quietly place it back on the bookcase, the front cover exposed for everybody to look at.

Brian doesn’t say anything or show any kind of reaction, preferring not to turn around, his back to Justin. The young man knows he has to explain why this particular book has shaken him, or Brian will reach the wrong conclusion. So, he takes a deep breath before saying the words he is sure will change the new and still fragile relationship they share.

“Brian,” Justin takes a step closer, making Brian look sideways before revealing, “I know this man...”

Justin sees Brian immediately flinch at his words; he isn’t surprised to see him turning around after hearing his startling words, the mask slipping from his face.

Justin stares at the man in front of him, wanting to spare him from the pain his next words are surely going to bring, but knowing it’s inevitable as he finally whispers, “I know Aidan.”

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Justin's reaction after their shocking discovery has unexpected consequences...

**_The loft, a few minutes earlier_ **

**Brian’s POV**

Brian is currently changing his clothes in the bathroom of his loft in order to go out and celebrate Justin’s success. The opening of the exhibition is officially over, and it seems every person present at the gathering had appreciated all the work done to make the Taylor-Cohen gallery the future place to be seen as an artist.

Brian is so fucking proud of Justin. Even if they’re just friends right now, he can’t help this feeling permeating his mind. He had observed every person, every man and woman tonight, and he had seen only awe and respect for the works displayed.

The renovation of the locale Justin chose is perfect, and the artist he selected to highlight for the occasion will no doubt go far in the art world. Justin’s art complimented the other man’s style perfectly, and was as powerful and brilliant as ever. Moreover, Emmett had done an impeccable catering job, supplying the guests with food and drink of rare quality for such an event.

Everything had been perfect.

Also, Brian is glad he was able to help Justin in the last few months and help contribute towards the evening’s success. Spending time with his former partner, getting to know him again while they laughed and talked about all and nothing, had been the push Brian had needed to move on. Today, he can honestly say that Justin has helped him more with his presence and his friendship than almost anything else in his life.

It had been weird, at first, to reconnect with Justin that way. But despite how much time had passed, the familiarity and the ease he had felt before with Justin had slowly re-emerged. Yet, Brian knows he’s still holding back, as he fears this new relationship he has with him could be a fragile, tenuous one. Because the truth is, Justin isn’t just a friend. He is so much more, even if it’s hard to define it.

Brian had never been good at defining things.

However, right now, standing in front of the mirror in his bathroom, Brian is feeling good. Seeing all his family and friends tonight, chatting and laughing with them, had made him happy.  It was an emotion he hadn’t truly felt in a long time.

During the evening, Debbie had tried to make him talk about his feelings, apparently noticing him smiling more than usual. Lindsay had played her role as Justin’s number-one fan consummately, purposely spending a good part of the night raving about Justin’s talent. Michael had acted like everything was normal, when Brian knew without a single doubt that his and Justin’s relationship had been the subject of the latest gossip on Liberty Avenue, thanks in no small part to his best friend initiating it. At one point during the evening, Ted had lightly tapped him on his shoulder, murmuring, “ _ You’re still Brian Kinney, even if you’ve become a softie.” _ The others had just peered over at him with strange looks on their faces.

Still, whatever everyone’s motivation, Brian had sensed a feeling of ‘ _ belonging _ ’ in the midst of all his friends and family while wandering around the room and admiring the works displayed.

Even his son had made him laugh, confiding in him about a girl he had a crush on at school, and asking for his advice on how to approach her. Gus is the only person he knows that could ask him that without him wanting to make some bad jokes about twats or pussies, or even worse, to actually share with him some tips he is famous for in order to score with her. Of course, Gus is just fourteen-years old, so Brian couldn’t do that anyway; but, he is still amazed and even secretly honored that Gus has decided to share his feelings with him.

He had tried to help his son as best as he could, making sure no one was around at the time to hear Brian Kinney actually giving out advice about love. Still, the fact that Gus trusts him enough to turn to him is amazing. It makes Brian love his son a little more, even though at the same time he doesn’t think it’s possible to love him more than he already does.

Love has superpowers.

* * *

Finally ready, and deciding that he is still a really hot man for forty-three years old, Brian walks out of the bathroom and heads towards the living room, barefoot.

Justin doesn’t seem to hear him. The young man is standing in front of the bookcase situated at the far corner of the loft near his Barcelona chair, his back to him.

“Hey,” Brian calls out to him; he sees Justin nearly jump, before hearing a big thump.

Looking at the floor, the vision of _the_ book – the one that Aidan had given him the first time he had waited for him at his apartment – enters Brian’s mind. He feels a cold chill invade his body as he stands, paralyzed. His eyes can’t tear themselves away from it.

Almost unconsciously, Brian moves to pick it up and place it back on the bookcase in its usual spot. However, he seems unable to turn around and face Justin, who has probably realized by now who the author of this book is, since Aidan’s name is displayed on the cover. Brian doesn’t know how to interpret Justin’s behavior at the moment; he is inexplicably silent. Furthermore, Brian is fighting against a flow of emotions that involuntarily invade his will at the moment.

Finally, he hears Justin calling his name, but the tone of his voice is off somehow. Looking sideways, Brian’s heart rate accelerates as a bad feeling creeps into his mind.

He so wants to be wrong about his intuition this time.

“I know this man...”   _ What? No... _ “I know Aidan.”

Time stands still as he learns his perception is deadly accurate.

* * *

“What did you just say?” Brian turns to look at Justin, totally flabbergasted by what he has just heard, his voice laced with disbelief and anger. Why is he angry right now? He doesn’t even know. But the anger is powerful and invades every part of his being without warning.

_ It’s impossible. How could Justin and Aidan know each other? _

“You heard me...” Justin pleads with his eyes, in order for Brian to believe him.

Still, Brian just shakes his head, his hands up. Anger is not the only feeling that courses through him at the moment. Incomprehension, hurt, betrayal - and more emotions he doesn’t even want to start identifying - all grip him suddenly with an unbearable force.

“Brian...” Justin tries again.

Brian can’t hear it; he can’t look at Justin now. The emotions he feels are so strong, he thinks he is going to suffocate if he stays there near the bookcase. He needs to  _ move _ .

He walks a few steps towards the kitchen counter, and hears Justin calling out for him “Brian, look at me...” Still, he can’t turn around. He just can’t. His body won’t let him.

“ _ Say _ something!” Justin shouts at him, but Brian doesn’t stop; he squints, like he wants to block out reality. This is too much for him. How can it be possible? Is fate playing some sick joke on him? What is happening?

“Don’t you fucking run away from me, you  _ coward _ !”

The words make Brian snap out of his trance; he feels like he had just been slapped, or even punched. Astonished, he suddenly turns around to face Justin, ready to explode. He can already feel the hateful words forming in his throat.

Still, as Brian meets Justin’s gaze, something happens. Brian backs down, no sounds coming out of his mouth.

In the angry eyes looking back at him, he can see something; something powerful. Justin is his first love, the man with whom he has shared a true friendship for the last few months, and who has helped him more that he is willing to admit, even to himself. Now, the young man’s face is red with anger, his breathing kind of ragged.

Yet, most of all, Brian can detect another emotion written all over his usually cheerful face.

It’s  _ fear _ . Staring at the other man, as both struggle not to lose it, Brian realizes Justin is as scared of what is going to happen now as he is.

_ Fuck, Justin... _

Brian feels his anger slipping away. He realizes Justin isn’t at fault here; judging by his stare, the young man is as genuinely surprised by this turn of events as he is. 

And truthfully, Brian can also feel something  _ else _ replacing his anger as he looks at the young man’s handsome face; something he has felt more and more over the past few weeks, even if he has tried his best not to acknowledge it.

It’s the  _ beating _ of his heart.

So, at last – after a long moment without either of them saying anything – Brian asks with a deep and strong voice, “How?”

“How?” Justin repeats with a questioning, yet still-angered voice, seemingly not understanding his question; he had been too busy expecting Brian to surely yell at him, instead, and was consequently preparing his defense.

Brian blinks, asking the question he has been dying to ask since Justin’s revelation, but dreading it at the same time. “How do you know him?”

Justin’s eyes move endlessly, searching for something in Brian’s eyes, but Brian doesn’t have a clue what it is. Finally, he just says, the anger vanishing from his voice, too, “I saw him in Paris.”

Brian frowns. _Paris?_ _When did Aidan go to Paris?_ “Paris...”

Justin pauses momentarily, before revealing, “He was there...last April...”

_ Wait...What did you just say? _

“Last... _ what _ ?”

“You heard me.” Justin averts his eyes, seemingly lost in thought as he recalls the meeting that occurred at the time with whom he now knows was Brian’s former lover. He lowers his gaze and breathes deeply, before looking up and saying unwaveringly, “I encountered him one day last April at the gallery where I was working...I remember him because of...”

Brian doesn’t really hear the last part of Justin’s speech.  All he can focus on is the fact that Aidan had actually gone to meet with Justin on purpose. He cuts Justin off. “Aidan was at your gallery...”

“Yes.” Justin responds firmly.

Brian is puzzled. “I don’t understand...”

“I don’t understand, either!” Justin exclaims, gesturing with his hand as he begins to pace around, looking like he has a headache or something. Finally, he stops by the couch and stands still for a moment.

Then he turns around, one hand on the back of his neck, before gesturing in the air with his other hand. “Listen, Brian, I know this must be a shock to you; hell, it’s a shock to  _ me _ ! I didn’t know it was your boyfriend, I swear!” He rubs his face and sighs. “I just...” He gazes down once more. “I don’t know  _ how _ , or  _ why _ , but I don’t want you to use it as an excuse to...” He shakes his head and looks up to stare directly at Brian. “You can’t go back, you can’t...” Justin searches for a good word to use for Brian to understand how important this is to him, but he doesn’t come up with anything suitable.

Brian just stares at him, wanting to ask more questions about Aidan’s visit, but noticing something new in Justin’s behavior, even if the man is trying to hide it.

_ Vulnerability. _

“Why do you think I would do that?” Brian retorts, taking a few steps towards Justin.

“Oh, come  _ on _ ! You really want me to answer that?” Justin’s anger is palpable once more, but Brian knows it’s not directed at him, not entirely, anyway, but more at Justin himself. The young man seems to have difficulty holding back his emotions. “Ever since we reconnected, you’re... you’re there, but you’re not really yourself.  You’re holding back, like you need to be...”  His voice trails off helplessly.

“Careful?” Brian supplies, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah...something like that.” Justin nods.

“And you find it surprising?” Brian huffs before coming closer, about to enter Justin’s personal space. “What did you expect to find after being gone for seven years?”

“I don’t know...I just...” Justin shakes his head, his eyes reflecting...something.

_ It’s not what you think, Kinney... And you really should stop him now. _

But, it’s too late. As Justin says his next words, Brian realizes the bond he had shared with Justin in the past is still there, somehow.

“…I wish I could have helped you. I wish I could have been there for you.”

Brian just stares at him, because he feels like his heart had just missed a beat. He isn’t sure his mind and his body aren’t playing tricks with him. He could swear he is looking at Justin – not the thirty-one-year-old, self-assured man who has made him smile more in the past few weeks than he can remember since Aidan had left him – but the twenty-four-year-old; the man who had been in love with him before.

_ Before Aidan. _

Brian feels a strange but powerful squeeze in his chest. Without breaking their stare, he moves closer and impulsively places his hand on Justin’s shoulder.

“Justin, listen to me.” Capturing his gaze, he tells him, “You ARE...helping me. Every time we’re together. But there are still some things you should know.” Then Brian steps back to give them some much-needed space, as he isn’t sure he might not do something that he may regret if he stays too close. Brian never touches Justin anymore; but he realizes he had almost forgotten that the young man’s smell was so intoxicating.

“Since Aidan left, I... I tried all I could to stop thinking, you know? Because not thinking meant no feelings; and having no feelings was just so much easier...” Brian looks at Justin’s hesitantly, both men understanding the implied words, as well as the reference to the pain that can result from heartbreak.

Obviously, talking about his feelings has never been Brian’s forte. So in order not to chicken out, he breaks all eye contact with Justin and starts to pace in the direction of the television. He can feel Justin’s intense stare following him. “When he left, I...I was in limbo, Justin. I mean, he was my partner for five years, and all of a sudden, bang!  He was gone, without any explanation... And I tried to accept it, but really, how could I? I was so angry back then.” Brian chuckles nervously as he turns around once more, looking anywhere but at Justin “And I was so...I don’t know...” He shakes his head, hoping that Justin will understand what he is trying to convey in his words. He finally finds the courage to look at him and confide in him. “I loved him, Justin. I really did. And even if I knew he had his reasons, I still felt like he had betrayed me in a way by not _telling_ me why he left. Why he left _me_...And then _you_ came back, and...”

Justin’s eyes are once more reflecting many emotions Brian can’t seem to analyze.

“Do you have any idea why he left you?”

Brian’s averts his gaze as he responds with what he had meant to share with Justin anyway, “Yeah, unfortunately...I can think of only one reason that would explain his strange behavior after his sister’s death and his decision to leave me...And I don’t like it one bit.”

Brian knows he looks vulnerable right now; he can’t seem to be able to mask his emotions, but he couldn’t care less. If there is someone with whom he feels he can talk about this, it’s Justin. In fact, he feels like he  _ needs _ to. Justin deserves the truth.

“If what I believe is true, then...” Brian struggles not to lose it, and realizes that voicing the conclusions he has reached out loud is just too hard, because he doesn’t know what’s worse: believing Aidan’s ‘no excuse’ to leave him was nothing short of a betrayal, or believing his former lover had done something to spare him from a fate Aidan knew only too well; one that he didn’t want to impose on him.

“Fuck...” Brian doesn’t realize that he has said the word out loud; not until Justin comes to stand in front of him and brushes a silent tear away that has fallen from his eye.

Brian stops thinking at this point. The mere contact from Justin’s hand on his cheek, his smell, the atmosphere, Brian’s current state of mind; all of it is pushing him to do what he is about to do. Without thinking, he grabs Justin’s hand just as the younger man is about to withdraw it, feeling a spark going through his body. He stares intently in Justin’s eyes for a second as he peers back at him with an intensity Brian has rarely seen, before he impulsively acts upon his emotions.

As his lips touch Justin’s lips for the first time in seven years, time stops. Not only that, but it’s like time turns back. It’s familiar, yet different, but so fucking good. Both men moan, and as Brian pushes further and feels desire invading his entire body, his brain shuts down. It’s just too good, too strong. He can’t stop.

Soon, Justin is responding with an equal force, their breathing ragged, lips smashing lips, tongues probing, invading, searching, while their soft moans fill the air. Brian feels like he’s flying, like he is drinking for the first time in years, and his body responds immediately, his cock becoming hard, the pleasure overpowering.

And then,  _ nothing. _

Opening his eyes, Brian realizes that Justin is still standing in front of him, deeply breathing in some much-needed oxygen. He seems stunned, and maybe... _ Sad? But why would he be... _

At last, Brian realizes what he’s just done. He’s just kissed Justin, his first lover, the man who had taught him everything he knows about love, the man he had to let go of in the past. And he had liked every second of it. He had wanted it.

He wants it. He wants  _ him _ .

_ Stop. Just stop...You can’t...What are you doing, Kinney? _

Justin seems to notice the turmoil in his eyes, because he finally states, “I should go.”

However, the mere idea of Justin’s leaving sends Brian into panic mode. If he lets him leave now, what will happen? What does it mean? What will it mean for both of them?

“Justin, wait...” Brian tries to stop him by grabbing his hand.

Taken aback, Justin stops to look down at their joined hands before shaking his head as he gazes up at Brian. “No. Brian, I can’t.” The young man withdraws his hand, but doesn’t move. It’s obvious then that he’s not finished.

Letting out a deep breath, Justin finally explains, “You need some time to think about it all. You’re not  _ ready _ .” In front of Brian’s wondering look, he adds, “Can you tell me without a single doubt that you want to do this? That you’ve thought about it? Because I know you haven’t. You’ve been too busy avoiding everything to feel any kind of emotion. You’ve been too busy trying to forget  _ him _ . And right now, I’m not sure you have fully succeeded in dealing with his leaving yet.” Justin pauses, allowing Brian the time to  _ hear _ his words.

Then, Justin continues, his voice full of determination. “I’ve been kidding myself into believing I could be your friend. I know it now. I should have understood and accepted it sooner, but a part of me was scared shitless over the thought of losing you. And, at the time, I couldn’t face it. So burying my feelings for you deep down inside me and denying it until I actually believed that I didn’t have any other feelings for you except friendship and fond memories about our former relationship was easier.”

Justin snorts, smiling sadly. “But, you know what? The truth is, it’s bullshit. I  _ have _ feelings for you. I’ve always had feelings for you. I can’t help it. I can’t stop.”

Looking at Justin, Brian understands that the young man means every word.

Finally, Justin adds, “But I can’t be a consolation prize. I can’t do that to myself. And I can’t do that to  _ you _ .” He starts to make his way to the front door.

Brian feels a deep pang in his chest.

Just before reaching the door, Justin stops and turns around one last time. “One last thing I think you should know about Aidan...”

Brian feels a lump in his throat.

“I think he really loved you, Brian; I don’t really know why he thought that I could help you or why he didn’t tell me who he was, but he _ wanted _ me to come back so I could be here for you. Also, the man I met in Paris was a sad man, Brian. I might not understand exactly why he did what he did, but if there’s something I’m sure of, it’s that he loved you with all his heart.”

At last, Justin opens the door and leaves.

Brian feels the beating of his heart; yet, he has the impression it’s  _ cracking,  _ without him being able to do anything to stop it.

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin's reaction to his confrontation with Brian includes some booze, a headache, and a friend...

**Justin’s POV**

_ Breathe. _

That’s the only word that Justin allows himself to think as he closes the door of Brian’s loft. Standing still in the silence that follows chaos, he concentrates on breathing.

_ Just breathe. _

Two minutes and eighteen seconds. It’s the time he needs to finally move and descend the stairs. Thirty-five seconds later, he is walking on the street. That makes a total of two minutes and fifty-three seconds before he can allow another word to enter his mind.

_ Run. _

He starts running for twelve minutes and twenty-seven seconds, fast, too fast. Yet, the run helps him to block out the emotions that are trying endlessly to creep into his mind. Finally, he stops, breathless, and only thinks of one word for the next forty-two seconds.

_ Breathe. _

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Justin is standing in front of Babylon. All his friends are inside, waiting to share in his success and celebrate his achievement. Daphne and Peter are there, along with the boys, no doubt wondering what is taking him so long to join them. Even if Justin isn’t sure he will be able to smile and laugh as much as he should, considering how well the opening of the exhibition had gone, he at least owes it to his friends to try.

There is nothing else he can do.

Moreover, maybe he will be able to forget about the last hour, at least for tonight. His life as Brian’s ‘ _ friend _ ’ could definitely stay on pause until tomorrow.

* * *

“Hey!” Daphne’s cheerful voice, as well as the light touch of her hand on his arm, greets him as he makes his way through the dance floor.

“Hey,” Justin responds loudly, with a big and convincing smile on his face; or at least he truly hopes so. He really doesn’t want to have Daphne trying to make him talk about his feelings. Not now.

“What took you so long? And where is Brian?” Daphne asks him, leaning over to talk loudly into his ear; it is the only way for them to communicate because of the loud thumpa-thumpa filling the air.

“Well, Brian wasn’t feeling well…I helped him to go home before coming here,” Justin replies, grateful his face is hidden as he responds loudly into her ear as well.

Daphne steps back to look at him before reminding him, “He was fine when I saw him.”

“Yeah...maybe it’s a fast-acting virus or something.” Justin is glad the low light and the covering noise of the music are helping him to disguise the truth. He is pretty sure that if he and Daphne were in a more conducive setting for discussion, he wouldn’t be able to deceive her so easily. Even here, in the middle of the dance floor of Babylon, she seems to have a strange frown on her face as she steps back once more to look at him; consequently, Justin doesn’t wait for a reply and hastily moves in the direction of the bar before she has an opportunity to question him further.

He needs a drink.

“Hey!” Michael comes over.

_ Maybe two drinks. _

“Hey,” Justin responds, before asking the bartender for a double shot of scotch. Turning to look at Michael, he adds, “You want something?” Justin notices Emmett, Liam, Blake, Ted and Ben standing a few feet away.

“I’m good.” Michael smiles, and Justin is pretty sure he knows what is coming. “Where’s Brian?”

_ Bingo. _

“The last time I saw him, he was at the loft,” Justin answers simply, swallowing the drink the bartender’s just placed in front of him in one go before gesturing for another one.

Michael frowns. “Why isn’t he here? He was supposed to come with you and meet us here.”

Justin stifles a sigh. “He wasn’t feeling well, maybe a cold or something...”

Of course, Michael doesn’t buy it; as Justin peers back at him, he realizes by the look on Michael’s face that his friend isn’t fooled. He knows something has happened. As if to validate Justin’s suspicions, Michael points out, “He was good when we saw him earlier.”  

“I know.” Justin sighs, not wanting to deal with it, preferring to drink his new shot.

“You’re sure he...”

Justin cuts him off. “Listen, Michael, why don’t you go and ask him yourself? I’m not his keeper.” With that, he asks for another drink that is poured in his glass immediately, swallows the liquor in one gulp before smacking the empty glass on the counter, and leaves in the direction of the dance floor with one clear goal in mind, leaving a speechless Michael behind him.

* * *

The next morning, Justin wakes up with a headache, a case of bad breath and a sensation unfortunately close to seasickness. Groaning, he doesn’t even want to move a toe for fear he will throw up. It had been a long time since he has gotten drunk, and he suddenly remembers why.

_ I’m too old for this stuff. _

Suddenly, the amused voice of his friend permeates his brain.

“Coffee?”

Peter is leaning in the doorway, a hot, steaming, black mug in his right hand, as his left fingers play with some pills. His friend states, “You sure look like you need it. Along with some meds for the headache I’m sure you’re sporting not so proudly right now.” Of course, Peter also displays a knowing smile on his face.

“Grnf....” Justin mumbles, unable to form a coherent sentence.

Peter comes closer, handing him the cup and the aspirin. “Careful, it’s hot. You don’t want to burn yourself on top of everything else,” he teases with a soft smile on his face.

Justin grabs the mug slowly, straightening himself into a sitting position, before blowing on the hot steam. He takes the meds and pops them in his mouth, carefully taking a sip of his coffee to wash them down.

Peter sits down on the bed next to him. “So... big night last night, huh?”

Justin frowns, and tries to think about the previous night, remembering the inauguration of his gallery, his confrontation with Brian, and his decision to go to Babylon.

_ Ouch...My head hurts... _

He closes his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again, gazing up to look at Peter. His friend is looking at him with a knowing look – the ‘ _ I know what you did last night _ ’ one. Justin sighs.

“Say it. You’re dying to, anyway,” Justin retorts, admitting defeat. He knows he is in no position to deny anything at this point. He is pretty sure he made a fool of himself at Babylon, but his mind is betraying him at the moment, since his memory of the events is distinctly cloudy. 

“You’re lucky.” Peter points out.

That’s not what Justin expects to hear. “Lucky?” He asks, frowning, before taking another sip.

“To have such great, wonderful, incomparable, and invaluable friends,” Peter states proudly and playfully.

Justin actually chuckles, as he nods slowly. “And by ‘friends’, you’re talking about yourself, right?” Nodding is not a good idea.

_ My head is killing me. _

“Of course, who else?” Peter winks. Justin stares. “Okay, maybe your friend Daphne helped a little...”

“She helped you...” Justin knows what it means when Daphne helps. It means...

“It’s pretty amazing how much she knows about you.”

Justin groans.  _ Thank you so much, Daph.. _ . “So, you two did what? Speculating about my life, I guess?”

“Something like that...” Peter answers, still smiling.

“And, I’m sure you were just too happy to gossip with her, right?” Justin shakes his head. Not a good idea, either.

_ Please, someone cut my head off. _

“Well, considering you wound up drinking yourself into a stupor in less than twenty minutes, I think it was the right thing to do. It’s not every day Justin Taylor acts like a fool. I have pictures to prove it.”

Justin growls once more.

“Seriously, Dude! You were pretty out of it!  Ted and Blake had to help me bring you back here.”

Justin winces. “That bad?”

Peter confirms with a fake, sympathetic nod of his head. “That bad.”

Justin takes a deep breath. “Okay, tell me.”

Peter feigns not to understand. He’s enjoying it way too much. “Tell you what?”

Justin exclaims, “What I did!”

“Well, you didn’t do much from what I saw. You danced a little, took a guy to the backroom, came back in less than five minutes, drank some more, danced some more, and then...” Peter pauses, seemingly to add some effect to what he is about to reveal.

“Then?” Justin presses as he holds his breath, afraid of what he is going to hear.

Peter smirks. “You became…‘ _ the frog’ _ .”

“No.”

“Yes!”

“No!” Justin puts his pillow onto his head, seemingly hiding in shame from his friend.

_ It can’t be. Not ‘the frog’! _

Peter and Justin’s theory about ‘ _ the frog’ _ is actually a joke they had bonded over when they’d met, and they had used it quite a few times over the years. Indeed, they had met nearly seven years ago at a private party in Paris where there had been a lot of booze, and, consequently, a lot of uninhibited men. When Justin had gone to the restroom to relieve himself, he had run into a man who was speaking in a language he couldn’t understand, and who was teetering on the brink of falling down on top of him.

He was the kind of drunken man who forgets all about the word ‘enunciate,’ or about the graces of walking straight, preferring his world to be ruled by the words ‘mumble’ and ‘stumbling around.’ Peter had walked out of a stall at that exact moment and had looked at Justin with a knowing smile as he peered over at the guy. Justin had smiled back, sidestepping the other man to avoid colliding with him, just as Peter commented, “This man can’t be human.  He’s obviously some kind of weird animal with a bad skin, a strange walk and an alien language.”

To this day, Justin doesn’t even know why he responded in the manner he had.

“He’s a frog.”

Peter had laughed out loud. Justin had joined in, and the theory of ‘ _ the frog’ _ was born. Every time they would come across a man too drunk to form a coherent sentence and barely able to stand erect, this man would become ‘ _ the frog _ ,’ making the two friends laugh hysterically.

As he returns to the present, Justin knows then that Peter will not let this moment go by without taking advantage of it; not at least without the pleasure of torturing him first.

As to confirm his thoughts, Peter reveals with an evil grin, “Not only pictures...but videos, too, of course, to record the moment for posterity! But that sounds a little bad. You want to see them?” He adds with a twinkle in his eye.

Justin groans. “I’d rather die.”

“You’re sure? You make a really cute frog, by the way.”

_ Fucker. _

“I hate you.”

Peter feigns to be outraged, playing all innocent and sweet. “But I’m your best friend!”

Justin responds, “I still hate you.”

“Whatever.” Peter shrugs, smiling softly.

Then Peter becomes serious, staring at Justin for a few seconds. “So, you want to talk about it?”

“I...” Justin opens and closes his mouth. “I don’t know.”

Peter nods. “Well, if you decide you need someone to talk to, I will be in the other room.” Then he stands up and heads towards the bedroom door.

“Peter?” Justin stops him.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

Peter smiles. “You’re welcome.” Then he takes a few steps before pausing and turning around one last time, adding, “Oh, and, just some friendly advice, if you don’t mind?”

“What?” Justin asks.

Peter says in a deadly calm tone of voice, “There’s this invention we use from time to time; it’s called a toothbrush, and we put toothpaste on...”

Justin throws his pillow at him. “Get out!”

Peter laughs. And despite everything, Justin laughs, too.

* * *

Thirty minutes later after a long shower that helps him to clear his mind, Justin feels a little more human. Stepping out of the large cubicle, he dries himself off slowly and brushes his teeth twice. Finally, he puts a pair of blue jeans and a deep-red turtleneck on before making his way to the living room.

As Justin peers over at the couch, he notices his friend is sitting on it, reading a book. He walks over, plops himself down next to Peter and announces, “Okay.”

Peter raises his eyebrows, turning his head in the direction of Justin’s voice. “Okay?”

“I’m ready to talk,” Justin states with determination.

Peter nods imperceptibly before closing his book and putting it on the coffee table. Then, he turns towards his friend. “I’m listening.”

Justin takes a deep breath. “I’m falling in love with Brian.”

Peter doesn’t seem surprised. He looks at Justin with a supportive look gracing his features. “And?”

Justin reveals, “…And he’s not ready for it. Not yet, anyway.”

Peter frowns. “How do you know that?”

Justin turns to look at him directly, sitting Indian-style on the sofa, his hands joined in front of him. “Remember the guy I told you about, the one who came to the gallery and asked me questions about Brian? Or, should I say, about my ‘lost love’?”

Peter seemingly thinks about it for a second before nodding. “Yeah.”

Justin breathes deeply before revealing, “Believe it or not, it turns out the man I saw that day... he was Brian’s partner.”

“What?” Peter is astounded.

“Yeah. I was as stunned as you when I found out last night. I discovered it because of a book at Brian’s place that had a photo of him on the back cover; and, well... I freaked out.”

Peter looks at him with a confused look on his face. “Meaning...?”

Justin sighs. “I told Brian.”

Peter takes it all in, internally trying to understand what it means. “Wow...What happened?”

Justin remembers the discussion he and Brian had shared, and the intensity of it all. “We kind of lost it. I called him a coward. And I confronted him about not being really himself lately...and then, he told me about Aidan, about how he felt, about how he  _ feels _ ... And I finally understood what it was all about. ”

His last words seem to capture Peter’s attention. “What do you mean?”

Justin explains, gesturing with his hands to emphasize his words. “Brian needs to deal with Aidan’s leaving. I mean,  _ really _ deal with it.” Then he looks down and rubs his hands before gazing up. “I think he is running away.”

Peter shakes his head. He doesn’t get it. “Justin, I don’t understand a word you’re saying.”

Justin stands up and starts pacing in front of Peter. “Think about it. How would you feel if your boyfriend up and left you without hardly any explanation? I mean, even if he tells you that you’re not at fault, how would you really feel?”

Peter visibly tries to think of a plausible reaction for a few seconds before responding, “I think I would have difficulties having closure and moving on.”

Justin stops pacing, as if to validate Peter’s thoughts. “Exactly.” He sits down again, next to his friend. “Not knowing means being stuck. Brian hasn’t dealt with Aidan’s leaving. Consequently, he is unable to move on. And now, he’s just discovered that Aidan came to see me.”

Peter nods, looking down. “Okay; so, where does that leave you?” He peers over at his friend sitting next to him.

Justin sighs, his gaze lost. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

They stay like that for a moment, both seemingly lost deep in thought.

Finally, Peter asks a question he has been dying to ask in light of his friend’s behavior last night. “Justin?”

“Hmm?” Justin answers absentmindedly.

“What happened last night?”

Justin takes a deep breath, his gaze fixed on the coffee table. “First, Brian confided in me about Aidan, about his feelings. And then…he kissed me.”

Justin remembers the kiss, the feeling of pure bliss that had invaded him for that brief moment, the familiarity of it all; and yet it had been so different from what he had remembered. “It was...fuck, it was so good; but I was so stunned he had initiated it that I stopped him; and I basically told him that I thought it was a bad idea, because I’m convinced he isn’t ready for that yet.”

Justin rubs his right hand over his face, not looking at Peter. “But then, I also admitted that I had feelings for him.” Justin chuckles nervously. “And the crazy part? I told him Aidan really loved him, too.”

Peter reacts immediately. “Wait…what? Why did you do that? You want them to get back together?”

“No! Of course not. But Brian deserves the truth.” Justin stares at Peter, wanting his friend to understand what it is really about. “Don’t you see? He needs to know that whatever the reason was for Aidan leaving him, it wasn’t his  _ fault _ . He needs to be reassured that what they shared was  _ real _ . If he has a single doubt about it, he won’t move on.”

Justin’s gaze lowers slightly as he adds, “And if it means Brian realizes he can’t live without Aidan, well, then I will deal with it, one way or another. I just want him to be happy. I want him to stop hiding, and to be able to...to feel again, without being scared or careful. ”

“Wow...” Peter seems speechless.

“What?” Justin asks.

Peter moves a little to face his friend. “You must really love him. I could never do such a thing. I mean, seriously? You sound like a saint! I would be too jealous of the ex-boyfriend to act so selflessly.”

Justin shrugs. “Yeah, well; I am jealous, sort of... I mean, I would have wanted so much to share these past seven years with Brian. But at the same time, I feel like...” Justin pauses, looking sideways.

Then, he shakes his head, pinching his lips. He gazes at his friend with an intense stare. “I don’t regret a thing, Peter. I don’t regret the past seven years. I can’t. It makes me who I am. Who I  _ really _ am.” Justin knows without a doubt that is the absolute truth.

“So, what are you gonna do now?” Peter asks.

“I don’t know. Maybe I should talk to him again. Or, maybe I should give him some time to think about it. I honestly don’t know.” His gaze looks lost once more.

“Justin...”

“Yeah...”

“Do you feel guilty about not having any regrets?” Peter tries to understand the reason why Justin wants to help Brian so much, besides the obvious. “Think about it. Maybe that’s the reason why you’re so intent on Brian being able to love again without the fear of being left alone, even if there’s a risk you won’t be the one he chooses to love. Because you’ve never forgiven yourself for leaving the first time, even if you know you did the right thing. The way you put it, it seems like you want to repair a damage YOU have done, and not a damage this Aidan guy has done...”

Justin thinks about it for a moment and finally responds, “Maybe... There is some truth in what you’re saying, obviously.” Then he adds, “But it’s not the main reason, not anymore, anyway.”

Justin moves a little, folding a leg underneath him. “When we kissed last night, I realized I was in love with him, even if I already knew it on some level; but somehow, it’s also the first time I could acknowledge that it was different from the past.”

Justin finally shares the conclusion he reached the night before. “I’m falling in love all over again with the man he is  _ today _ . Not the man he was  _ before _ .”

A few seconds tick by as Justin’s confession fills the silence surrounding the two friends sitting on the couch.

Finally, Peter breaks the silence. “Then you should fight for him. And truthfully, the man would be a fool not to love you back, because if I wasn’t madly in love with my boyfriend already, I would ask you to marry me right away,” he states with a smile, trying to lighten the mood, even if Justin knows his friend means every word he is saying, except for the part about leaving his boyfriend and marrying him. Peter adores his partner.

Moreover, the next words Peter shares go straight to Justin’s heart.

“You’re one of the most beautiful persons I know, Justin Taylor.” Peter takes Justin’s hand in his, and squeezes it in silent support.

“And you’re one of the best friends I could ever want,” Justin answers back, flashing one of his trademark smiles. Then as an afterthought he adds, “Even if you  _ did  _ call me a frog...”

“I told you, you’re cute,” Peter responds playfully with a grin.

“I’m not cute! I’m hot!” Justin replies.

“Whatever. You were still a frog last night...”

Ten minutes later, as Justin leaves his apartment with Peter to meet Daphne, the three of them having planned to meet for lunch - or so Peter had told Justin five minutes ago, as Justin doesn’t remember it, obviously - he acknowledges once more how lucky he is to have Peter in his life, as well as all his friends and family.

And for a brief instant, he feels invincible.

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian's thoughts after his confrontation with Justin... Will he realize what he really wants?

**_The loft, Friday night, 1 a.m._ **

****

**Brian’s POV**

How do you fix a broken heart? How do you manage to live a life you can’t control, where the things that surround you every day can break you as much as they can shape you into who you really are?

Who supports you? Who stands by your side to help you grow up and acquire the wisdom that comes with the passage of time?

How do you face a new day, every day? How do you live your life to its fullest - without giving off the impression of being on the edge of drowning – and enjoy every moment, telling yourself that it’s worth it; _all_ of it?

How do you do it?

Brian has asked himself those questions many times. He remembers the time when he had been just a child, and he had come to realize for the first time – but unfortunately not the last - that a parent’s love could be conditional, and that love itself could be a farce.

The only answer he had found at the time had been this one: you keep going. You don’t ask questions. You don’t think. You don’t lean on anybody. You only have yourself.

_You’re the only one you’ve got, the only one you’ll ever need._

To this day, he still believes there’s some truth in that statement.

Brian is a smart man. Even if he understands the concept of leaning on someone, of sharing, of _living,_ he wouldn’t be where he is today without his walls, this strength that had helped kept him going through all the ordeals life has thrown at him along the way.

He is not the unhappiest man on Earth. Some people have sadder personal stories to tell than him, and even if life didn’t always spare him, he knows he has made it. He is a survivor; he always _has_ been, and he always will be.

Still, one lesson he had learned along the way – one that he wouldn’t have been able to admit to when he was younger – is that even if he will always be able to persevere and go on, he doesn’t have to do it alone.

He doesn’t need to.

He could if he wanted. It’s certainly the easiest way to face whatever is coming. No disappointment, no pain, no heartbreak, no tears, no hard feelings. No love.

_Nothing._

Nothing but yourself.

But the truth is, he doesn’t want that. He can’t. Because whatever ordeals he had been through, whatever pain he has felt, it has been worth it.

His son is worth it. His friends, his real family, they are worth it.

The two men he has loved in his life...They have been worth it. Every minute. Every second.

_Everything._

* * *

After Justin’s departure, Brian decides to throw a party with the best companions he can think of without having to leave his loft: a bottle of Jim Beam, an exquisite joint, and himself.

By two in the morning, he is getting high and staring at an invisible point by the window. He doesn’t think about what had happened tonight, not really. He just stares, standing still.

By three in the morning, he is angry and crashes his empty glass on the floor. His unwanted thoughts have brought him to the only conclusion he can reach about Aidan. The man had sacrificed their love to set him free, orchestrating a clean break-up with the hope of gifting him with a healing heart along the way; thanks to an unexpected, yet oblivious ally.

No pain increasing with each passing day for years to come. No slow disappearance. No obligations. No guilt. No despair.

Just a broken heart. Once. And for all.

And yet Brian understands all too well, even if he hates himself for it. He wants nothing more than to track Aidan down and tell him how stupid he had been. After all, any sane man would tell him how unfair he had been for leaving without an explanation. How could Aidan have done that?

But Brian Kinney is not every man. Moreover, in the love area, he certainly doesn’t consider himself a sane man, because he knows without a doubt that if he’d been forced to make a choice in Aidan’s situation, he would have done the same.

At last, at that instant – alone with his thoughts in the comfort of his loft – Brian is convinced he knows the truth, even if he can’t be absolutely sure of the accuracy of his theory. Unfortunately, he is also convinced that he won’t have a confirmation for a long time; maybe never.

He hopes he’s wrong, because whatever the reason for Aidan leaving, he realizes he wants his former lover to be happy; somehow, somewhere, even if not with him.

That’s all that matters.

Well, that...and Justin.

Justin matters.

* * *

**_Saturday morning,_ **

_Bang, Bang, Bang._

The furious pounding ringing in his ears has the effect of a hammer hitting him stronger and stronger inside his head. Brian winces, fervently hoping that the action will stop his brain from coming back to life, and consequently prevent him from doing something stupid.

Like getting up to answer the door. It wouldn’t be pretty.

_Bang, Bang, bang._

“Brian! I’m coming in.” Michael’s voice penetrates his foggy brain, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t want to. What the fuck is his best friend doing here so early on a Saturday morning, anyway?

His eyes closed, Brian pulls the soft duvet covering his almost-naked body over his head, as if that action alone will stop his best friend from invading his mind. It’s been a long time since Michael has entered the loft uninvited; but, of course, all good things must come to an end. It’s almost a miracle he has been able to hold him at bay for this long.

“Brian?” The tone of Michael’s voice is questioning, and Brian can mentally picture him trying to gauge the situation, his gaze undoubtedly sweeping over the place in search of the answers he is seeking.

Then, Brian hears his friend’s exasperated voice. “What the fuck happened here?” It seems Michael has reached a conclusion on his own.

_Great. Now we have the ‘I’m your conscience, and you’re such a bad boy’ version of a prying Novotny. Kill me now._

Brian hears a deep sigh, followed by the noise of broken glass being picked up. He still doesn’t move.

No more words fill the air; no more attempts to be his moral compass.

_Thank God._

A few moments later, Brian can feel himself slowly slipping away again towards the world of dreams. Unfortunately for him, this particular escape is short-lived, as his friend suddenly barges into his bedroom.

“Brian!” Michael calls his name, pulling the cover off his body.

“God, Michael, can’t you take a hint?” Brian growls, tightly gripping the duvet to prevent his friend from removing it completely.  He glares at Michael before deciding that he won’t be able to deal with this situation just by lying in bed with only his underwear on.

“Not today. What the fuck happened here?” Michael isn’t impressed by his friend’s behavior, having been on the receiving end of Brian’s bad mood many times in the past. Consequently, Brian stands up and grabs a pair of jeans nearby, putting them on.

“Why do you ask?” Brian retorts, pulling a shirt on over his head before turning around and heading towards the living room, Michael having no other choice but to follow him.

“There was some broken glass all over your hardwood floor, along with an empty bottle of booze,” Michael states, as Brian finally reaches the kitchen counter and retrieves a package of coffee from one of the overheard cabinets. He looks in the direction of the spot Michael is pointing at on the floor with an ‘And _why do I care?’_ expression on his face.

“And you’re telling me this because...?” Brian grabs the glass carafe and runs some water into it before pouring it into the coffeemaker and turning it on.

“Because I want to know what happened!” Michael replies with determination, his hands flat on the kitchen counter.

“You have a brain...” Brian frowns, pretending to question his own statement. “I think,” he add, with a pointing stare to his friend. “So use it.” He finally turns back again to grab two mugs from the cupboard and place them on the counter.

“Brian...” Michael pronounces his name with a hint of accusation in his voice.

Finally, Brian snaps, glaring at his best friend. “Oh, come on, Michael; give me a break!”

Michael huffs. “Why would I do that? You didn’t even show up at Babylon last night.”

Brian chuckles sarcastically, rolling his eyes. He feels like he is twenty-nine all over again. He shakes his head disdainfully as he replies, “Okay, I get it now. Big, bad Brian didn’t make an appearance last night, so now you’re here to reprimand me like the perfect Boy Scout that you are? Really?” He enunciates the last word with a hard look harboring his facial features, his eyes blazing.

His intimidating stare doesn’t stop his best friend from replying with a forceful tone, obviously refusing to back down because of Brian’s temper. “Justin was smashed last night, Brian. I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but whatever it was, you have to fix it.”

“Excuse me?” Brian looks even more pissed now.

“You heard me.”

“And since when do you have the right to interfere in my life? Oh, right; you don’t, but you feel you do anyway!” Brian shouts, shuffling around the kitchen counter to confront his friend.

“He’s my friend!” Michael exclaims as if that might justify everything.

“I’m your friend, too!” Brian retorts in kind.

“Yes, you are! That’s why I’m here!”

The statement stops Brian dead in his tracks, making him physically step back, sensing a silent plea behind Michael’s words. The two men stare at each other, Brian’s eyes searching for a truth on his friend’s features while Michael just looks back at him intently, unflinchingly.

Their gaze is so mutually intense that Brian feels like he could almost touch its essence with his fingers. Michael is first and foremost his friend – Brian doesn’t question that for a second – and whatever the reason for why he is here, standing in front of him today, Brian realizes Michael just wants to help him. And to help Justin.

That’s what friends do. They help each other, or they try to, anyway, even if sometimes they’re not welcome to do so.

Therefore, Brian takes a deep breath, rubs his face and prepares himself to admit defeat.

Prepares to. But he isn’t ready yet.

“Listen, Mikey, you can’t just barge into my home at...” Brian takes his friend’s wrist and looks at his watch, “…fucking nine in the morning, and expect me to greet you with open arms and tell you what you want to hear.”

“I’m not barg...” Michael begins, but Brian stops him by raising his eyebrows. “Okay, maybe I could have waited a little longer before coming over...”

Brian tilts his head and says sarcastically, “Yeah, and maybe you could have minded your own business; but, hey, I stopped living in dreamland a long time ago.” The ghost of a smile appears on his face.

Michael snorts, and finally relaxes. Brian pushes him playfully, tongue-in-cheek, before making his way back to the coffeemaker.

After a few moments spent in a more comfortable silence, Brian finally pours some hot coffee into the two mugs previously forgotten on the kitchen counter, and offers one to his friend. Adding some sugar to his, he waits for Michael to resume their conversation again, since he’s pretty sure he hasn’t finished.

He doesn’t have to wait for long.

“Brian?”

Leaning with his elbows on the counter, Brian looks into his cup. “What?”

Michael just says one word. Or more exactly one name.

“Justin...”

Brian closes his eyes, sighing softly, before opening them, unfocused. He can feel Michael’s intense stare on him and yet, for an instant, Brian is lost in a flow of emotions just by hearing _his_ name.

Finally, he gazes up slowly, and looks at Michael, hoping the silence will be enough to convey what he doesn’t know how to say.

Fortunately for him, it appears he is successful.

“You should talk to him,” Michael advises, his eyes softening.

Brian nods imperceptibly. “I know.”

“You...” Michael pauses briefly, lowering his gaze like he needs to summon up enough courage to say his next words. Eventually he lifts his gaze, his eyes boring into Brian’s. “You’re aware he’s in love with you, right?”

Somehow, hearing _it_ out loud again from one of their friends makes _them_ even more real.

The feelings. Brian feels them every time he thinks about that kiss; a moment of perfection that had changed everything. More importantly, that too brief instant had opened his eyes.

That kiss was healing his heart.

Michael goes on. “What are you gonna do?”

Brian’s eyes are moving back and forth, looking at his best friend, as he strives to deliver a message. The tone of his voice, the posture of his body, the look on his face, everything in him stating ‘ _I mean it,’_ making his next words even more real to his own ears.

“I’m going to live, Mikey.” Brian swallows before smiling softly, shaking his head. “And I don’t need you to hold my hand.”

Michael stares at him, an odd expression on his face; before long, he does something Brian doesn’t expect. He circles around the kitchen counter and stops in front of Brian, peering at him with a questioning gaze. Then Michael enfolds him into a big hug.

After a moment of hesitation, Brian hugs him back, tightly.

“Mikey?” Brian asks with a low voice, still holding his friend in a deep embrace.

“Yeah?” Michael responds, loosening his grip.

Brian steps back, his hands still clasped on Michael’s shoulders. “Thank you.”

Michael frowns slightly. “For what?”

“For taking care of him.” Brian lowers his head, his eyes delivering how grateful he really is, better than any words ever could.

Michael shrugs. “It’s the least I can do.” Then he adds almost as an afterthought, “He makes you smile again.”

And Brian smiles, indeed.

* * *

**_Three days later, Taylor-Cohen Gallery_ **

Sometimes, you feel like you’ve lived the moment you are living many times, like you’ve already been there, as if your life is a time-lapse movie where you are the only immobile character on screen. You stand still, at the exact same place, while the same background revolves around you, showing one different scene after another. People who pass by you furtively think you are stuck, before forgetting all about you and going on with their own lives. However, your unmoving posture doesn’t mean that you’re not changing inside, maybe even faster than all the people who deign to judge you.

That’s exactly how Brian feels at the moment. He is standing still in the rain, looking through the gallery’s window, unforeseen by the man inside. But whereas the last time had been to let him go, now he’s there to bring him back.

Back into his life.

Just like before, the rain is pouring down, the umbrella partially shielding him from the deluge, except for the wet drops trickling down his hand. The dark clouds look like a thick blanket hovering over the city, permitting a strange sensation of peace to invade his mind. Brian doesn’t even hear the unique noise of the wet asphalt being travelled by so many cars, or the sound of hurried feet running from the water falling out of the sky.

His gaze is focused on the man inside, and as he watches him talking animatedly to the middle-aged patron standing in front of him, Brian can’t help it. He smiles, his eyes softening as his heart fills with...something powerful; beautiful; soothing.

He remembers the last time he had stood under the rain, in a different city all those years ago, watching his first love, his true love, through another window. Letting Justin go had been the most difficult thing he had ever had to do in his life. Without the support that Aidan had given him, Brian doesn’t know where he would be today. He doesn’t _want_ to know.

It doesn’t matter. Not anymore.

A part of his heart will always love Aidan. He feels it with the same certainty he had known he wouldn’t be able to stop loving Justin, even when he had decided to let him go.

Many people had thought in the past that Brian rejected love because he didn’t care about anyone but himself. The truth is, he feels too much. He always did. Becoming a selfish asshole had been the only solution to stop the feelings from controlling his life – and his heart.

It had worked for many years, until he had met Justin.

Then, Brian’s walls had begun to crack, finally shattering into a million pieces with the sound of a baseball bat. And after that, Brian had been lost forever.

Love, real love, can be painful. It can tear you with the same sharpness of a knife cutting your skin. It can damage you and leave you bleeding.

But it also can heal you. It can fill a void and make you feel like you’re flying. Justin had taught him that; and Aidan had allowed him not to forget it.

And now, Brian is ready to embrace it. One last time.

* * *

When Brian finally enters, Justin doesn’t notice his presence immediately. The young man is busy talking with a client in his office, which is situated in the back, offering Brian the opportunity to wander around. The older man closes his umbrella, takes his coat off, folding it on his arm and taking a few steps in the direction of the paintings he had already observed four days ago. Before long, he is standing in front of _the_ painting that represents so much more than what ignorant eyes could ever understand. Brian lets the emotions hit him, the hard lines and the sharp colors transporting him to another place.

When Brian had met Justin nearly fifteen years ago, he couldn’t have imagined how far this persistent kid would go. The young man with a sunshine smile has made it, and has become the man he was always meant to be. He had fought like a mad man, alone against the world, and Brian couldn’t be prouder of the man he’s become.

Looking at the painting adorning the wall, the one Brian could stare at for hours, he feels it; his heart, surging back to life.

“Brian?” Justin’s voice snaps him out of his trance. He didn’t hear him approaching.

Brian takes a deep breath, willing his beating heart to calm down, and finally turns to look at the younger man. “Hey,”

Justin seems surprised to see him. He also looks guarded. Brian can’t blame him. “What are you doing here?”

Brian raises his eyebrows before responding, “Well, you’re the only man I know who works here; so, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that I came to see _you_.” He grins, tongue-in-cheek.

Justin pinches his lips, smiling briefly; he visibly asks himself what this is all about. “Uh…yeah...okay.” Brian decides he must be nervous about what’s to come. Considering how they had parted the last time, it’s not really surprising.

“Hey,” Brian reaches for Justin’s right forearm, squeezing it lightly. As a result, Justin looks down at Brian’s hand before gazing up, a silent question reflected in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Brian replies before letting his hand fall to his side.

Justin’s expression becomes one of confusion. “What? What for?”

Brian sighs, lowering his head before looking back up. “For... not being there to celebrate your success. I should have been there.” Brian nods imperceptibly, so as to accentuate the real meaning of his words.

Justin shakes his head, probably remembering that night and the state he was in. The state they _both_ had been in. “You didn’t have to be. I understand, believe me.”

“You’re wrong.” Brian steps closer, before repeating, “I should have been there.”

Justin shakes his head, stepping back. “Brian, you can’t blame yourself. We were...both in a bad place that night. Forget it.” Then he looks sideways in the direction of the painting, close to where they’re standing.

Brian’s stare doesn’t leave Justin. “What if I don’t _want_ to forget?”

Justin’s eyes grow wide as they lock once more with Brian’s. The tension filling the air is pregnant now, as the young man tries to understand what Brian is trying to say.

The older man takes advantage of Justin’s apparent astonishment and steps closer, again. “What if I want to _remember_?”

This time Justin doesn’t step back; Brian stands still, looking at him with a meaningful expression on his face, hoping to make his first love understand. “What if I...?” The words escape him, but he is sure he can detect a flicker coming alive in Justin’s gaze.

“Brian,” Justin whispers, his eyes betraying his emotions. “What...what are you doing here?”

Brian knows he has to be careful. They both need time to deal with the past, the present...and hopefully the future. “I came to ask if you would have dinner with me.”

Justin hadn’t been expected that response. “Huh?”

Brian grins. “Isn’t English your birth language? Or do you want me to spell it out for you?”

Justin shakes his head, as his lips curve slightly upwards. “No! No. It’s just...I could have sworn you just asked me to go out with you...”

“I did?” Brian jokes lightly before gazing intently at Justin, a deadly serious look replacing his teasing frown. “I must mean it, then...”

Justin stares back at him for several seconds. The only sound that can be heard is his breathing, which seems a little faster than usual. Or, maybe Brian hopes it is.

Finally Justin asks, his eyes full of... _hope?_ “You...You’re sure about this?”

Brian swallows, before simply stating. “I am.”

Justin smiles then, a bright and beautiful smile, making Brian’s heart beat.

Fast.

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justin's POV about his discussion with Brian at the gallery, and more...

**Justin’s POV**

When Justin comes back from his office after bidding goodbye to his newest potential client, his eyes fall upon a familiar figure; yet, for a moment, he is pretty sure that his mind is playing tricks on him; he’d never expected to see him here, considering the way their last encounter had gone.

Still, in the far corner of the gallery, Brian is standing in front of his painting. Justin’s heart starts to race at the sight.

Sometimes, you don’t know why, but you feel it anyway. The certainty to live a moment which is going to change your life.

You can feel it for many reasons. An unexpected proposition that will have important consequences whatever the choice you make. A beautiful or an unwelcomed encounter. An unexpected event. An irrevocable decision.

Whatever the reason, you know it will have an impact on your life. Nevertheless, if someone would ask you why you feel that way, you couldn’t explain it, not really. You just know it.

Justin would be lying if he declared that this is what had happened when he had first seen Brian walking out of Babylon that night years ago, an aura of self-confidence surrounding him like a glow that was emanating from within him. It’s true Justin remembers that first time with a rare clarity, that instant when he had known undoubtedly that he wanted him to be his first. But at the time, Justin was far from imagining how much his life would change after that night. He had merely been a teenager wanting to get laid, fantasizing about the real thing for months, not really cognizant of what was really going to happen and what it really would mean.

Giving his virginity to a total stranger, going home with him without a second thought, telling himself that he was brave to do so – while being truly scared shitless - had been such a stupid move. When Justin thinks about the kid he was that night, he tells himself he had been totally reckless, careless and stupid. What if he had met a man who would not have been as patient as Brian? What if he had met one of those men he had seen at the Sap’s parties? What then? Justin doesn’t even want to think about it.

That night had been the first real turning point in Justin’s life; the night when he had embraced his homosexuality for the first time, unaware of the consequences to come. But even if Justin knows it now, he hadn’t known it then. He had just been a naive kid spurred on by his own desires, and lucky enough to meet and have sex with ‘the face of God.’

However, as Justin peers over at his first love today who seems engrossed in his own thoughts, he feels it. That little part of himself that doesn’t regret the recklessness of his teenage years; it’s like an inner voice whispering in his ear that he knew all along that he would be fine with this man, that he would be taken care of and respected.

Moreover, his inner voice also tells him that here, now, he is going to live it again. He doesn’t know yet what Brian is doing here, but whatever the reason, he _feels_ it. The moment that will break them or bring them closer. The moment when you know there will be a ‘before’ and an ‘after.’

The moment when all is going to change.

The only problem is…Justin doesn’t hold any cards in his hands. Brian does.

Justin closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, wanting to find the courage he needs to face for whatever is coming. He exhales slowly before opening his eyes and silently walking closer.

Stopping by his former partner’s side, Justin calls softly, “Brian?” His palms are sweating, his heart is racing, and his body shaking inwardly. He is almost surprised his voice seems so calm under the circumstances.

Brian turns to look at him and Justin sees something almost familiar in these beautiful, hazel eyes.

“Hey,” The older man greets him, staring at him intently.

Justin doesn’t know what to expect; therefore, he asks the only question that comes to his mind. “What are you doing here?”

In true Kinney fashion, Brian replies, his eyebrows raised, “Well, you’re the only man I know who works here; so, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that I came to see  _ you _ .” He grins, tongue-in-cheek.

_ He is smiling... _

Yet, Justin doesn’t want to reach the wrong conclusion. So, he just mumbles a few words in response,  _ “ _ Uh…yeah...okay.”

At that point, he is still surprised that Brian has come to see him in person, as he had expected him to avoid him at all costs for quite some time; at least until he could have tracked him down. And truthfully, Justin had already decided he would have waited only a few more days before going to see Brian, hoping to give him the time he needed to put his thoughts in order. But it seems that won’t be necessary now.

“Hey,” Brian reaches for Justin’s right forearm, squeezing it lightly. That simple touch sends a shiver throughout Justin’s body, the sight of Brian’s hand on him making his heart beat faster. His touch feels so warm, so  _ right. _

Finally, Justin gazes up just as Brian says in a low voice, “I’m sorry.” Then, he simply lets his hand fall to his side.

Justin isn’t sure he’s heard him right. He had imagined all kinds of reactions from Brian when they met again, but an apology had definitely not been one of them. “What? What for?”

Brian sighs, lowering his head before looking back up. “For...not being there to celebrate your success. I should have been there.”

Justin can’t believe it. Brian is here because he wants to apologize for not going at Babylon with him? “You didn’t have to be. I understand, believe me.”

“You’re wrong.” Brian steps closer, before repeating, “I should have been there.”

Justin shakes his head, stepping back. Why is Brian blaming himself? Why is he even here? Is it just to say he’s sorry and to move on? The mere thought causes an uncontrollable tightening in Justin’s chest. “Brian, you can’t blame yourself. We were...both in a bad place that night. Forget it.” Then he looks sideways in the direction of the painting, close to where they’re standing, because he doesn’t want Brian to see how hard this is for him; he needs to put his emotions under control if he wants to deal with whatever is coming.

That’s when he hears it.

“What if I don’t want to forget?”

The words make Justin blink. More than that, it’s the tone of Brian’s voice that makes Justin look back at Brian, a new hope creeping into his mind.

_ Could it be...? _

Brian steps closer, again. “What if I want to remember...?” A silence follows; then Brian adds, “What if I...?” Brian is looking at him with such an intense stare, visibly trying hard to say the words that escape him.

Gazing into the familiar, hazel eyes, Justin feels an emotion like never before.

_ Oh, my God... _

Overwhelmed, Justin needs to be sure. Does it really mean what he thinks it means? Could it be that simple? “Brian,” Justin whispers, “What...what are you doing here?”

“I came to ask if you would have dinner with me.”

Justin is dumbfounded, the scene being so unreal somehow. Is Brian really saying what he thinks he is saying? Even when Brian assures him with a few more words that he  _ means _ it, Justin just stares back at him for several seconds, having a hard time believing this is truly happening. He feels an emotion close to joy and true happiness that wants to grow within him, but he can’t allow it.

Not yet. He still has one last question to ask him. 

“You...You’re  _ sure _ about this?”

Brian swallows, before simply stating. “I  _ am _ .”

And just like that, a feeling of pure bliss consumes Justin’s entire being. Completely.

* * *

They will never make it to the restaurant.

A few minutes after their conversation in the gallery, Brian is waiting outside as Justin closes the front door. When Justin turns around, the older man is standing still a few feet away under the drizzling rain falling from the darkened sky. He is looking at the clouds, his umbrella forgotten in his right hand, a peaceful expression on his face. His hair is wet, drops running everywhere; and as Brian lowers his head and finally gazes at him with a soft look and a timid smile on his lips, Justin’s breath catches in his throat.

He wonders if people can see how beautiful Brian truly is; the way  _ he _ sees him.

Without thinking, Justin slowly comes closer, letting the water drops hit him and slide down his body. His gaze never leaves Brian, whose smile has disappeared by now, replaced by a beautiful and meaningful stare.

They stay like that for a long moment, just looking at each other, allowing the water to permeate even deeper, soaking their clothes. Passers-by come and go around them, but they don’t seem to notice them.

Time has almost stopped for them.

They are just two men standing in the rain, savoring this last instant before the next. This moment when you know what’s going to happen, but one that you want to prolong anyway, so it may last a little longer.

The feeling that goes along with it is one of the most beautiful ones life can offer you.

At that moment, Justin knows they’re going to make it. He can’t explain it as it’s not a rational thought, but he realizes that finally, life is giving them what it has taken from them more than seven years ago.

A chance to live in true happiness.  _ Together. _

So, at last Justin moves his hand and touches Brian’s left one, caressing it slightly before slipping his fingers through it. Brian responds immediately and squeezes it with his own.

Justin’s heart stops for a second. Or maybe more, he isn’t sure.

As Brian moves even closer, their bodies touching for the first time that night, Justin closes his eyes, his forehead soon touching Brian’s. They stay there, immobile for a few more seconds, before Justin feels Brian’s hand cupping his right cheek.

Justin starts shivering, and he doesn’t know if it’s because of the rain, or because of the warmth of Brian’s body. It doesn’t matter now.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

After Michael’s visit, Brian waits for three days before going to see Justin.

On Sunday, he spends the afternoon with his son; the two of them enjoy their time alone together more and more with each passing year, if that’s possible. Brian always asks himself if the time will come when Gus will bail on him, preferring to spend his time with his friends rather than with his Old Man; but for now, Gus seems as happy as he is to be with him.

It’s still one of the wonders of his life, having a son he loves more than his own life. What is even more amazing is that when Gus looks at him, Brian can see how proud Gus is to have him as a father. There is no judgment in his eyes, just a tenderness that only the bond between a child and a parent can bring. It’s such a beautiful feeling, one of those that Brian wouldn’t change for anything in the world, one he would have loved to have shared with his own father.

Thus, at the moment, they are sitting on the bleachers of the soccer field near Gus’s school after having spent the last hour tossing the ball to each other, screaming and laughing recklessly like they were the only people in the world. As they exhale in the cold air, their breathing becomes visible as it fills the chilly air; they are sitting side by side with their gloved hands resting on their thighs.

Brian is the first to engage in conversation. “So; how is school, lately? Still making your professors sweat?”

Gus is a smart kid, earning top grades in every one of his studies. Still, he isn’t his father’s son for nothing. His witty mind and sharp wisecracks to his teachers have already caused his parents to be summoned by the principal of the school on more than one occasion.

Brian indeed couldn’t be prouder of his son.

“Dad!” Gus scolds his father lightly, pushing him playfully with his shoulder while Brian sits at his left side.

“What?” Brian replies, an innocent look on his face. Of course, he can’t hide the mischief from appearing in his eyes.

“I know how to behave,” Gus states, grinning in reaction to his father’s behavior, “Unlike  _ another _ Kinney man I know.”

Brian feigns outrage. “You do? You’re sure you’re really my son?” He quips, frowning.

Gus chuckles softly. “I’m your son alright.”

“Yes, you are,” Brian responds, his tone full of pride as he momentarily ruffles his son’s hair while Gus is trying to avoid his touch. Then as an afterthought Brian asks, “And what about...what’s her name again?”

Gus gazes at him, a questioning look on his face. “Sarah?”

Brian nods. “Yeah, Sarah...” He smirks. “How is she doing?”

Gus shakes his head, a little smile playing on his lips. “She’s just as fine since the last time I told you about her...two days ago, that is.” Finally, he can’t help but tease his father. “Are you becoming old or something?”

Brian pinches his lips before responding with a grin, “Yeah; okay...fair enough...”

After that they just remain next to each other, sharing a comfortable silence for a long moment.

It’s Gus who starts speaking again. “And, what about you?”

Brian, who had been lost in his own world as he thinks about Justin once again, finally answers, “Huh?” and turns his head to look at his son.

Gus is staring at the field. “How are  _ you _ ?” Brian looks at the place where Gus is staring at, noticing a collie wandering around.

Taking a deep breath, Brian answers, “I’m fine.” Then he exhales slowly, watching more condensation rising into the air.

Gus nods, his expression guarded. “Dad...”

Brian turns to look at his son once more, wondering what this is all about. Since they have begun to talk, Brian senses there is something Gus wants to say. “What?”

“I miss Aidan. I mean, I know he’s not coming back and...” His voice trails off, and Brian feels a furtive squeezing in his chest at the mention of Aidan’s name.

“And what?” Brian urges him, lowering his head to look at his hands. If this is important to Gus, he wants to hear it. “Go on; you can tell me.” He peers over briefly at his son before focusing on the collie running around at the other end of the field.

Gus takes a deep breath before enunciating one name, “Justin...”

Brian closes his eyes, his chest tightening. “What about him?” He opens them again, his gaze unfocused.

Brian feels his son’s eyes on him as if it was important for Gus to know how he is going to react to his next statement. “I like him. And... I think you should let him in.”

Brian frowns before looking intently at his son.   _ When did Gus grow up so fast?  _ “Why are you telling me this?”

Gus gazes back at him resolutely, with a look full of love. “Because he makes you happy again. I want you to be happy.”

Brian’s heart swells as an emotion he can’t control floods his body, his eyes fixed on his only son, the most important person of his life. “Fuck, Gus...”

Gus looks back at him, mirroring his feelings. Then he smiles softly before stating, “Don’t swear...”

And Brian laughs out loud.

* * *

Now, two days later, Brian is standing in the rain, looking at the sky, raindrops sliding along his face. He should be annoyed – the coat he is wearing becoming heavier with each passing moment – but the truth is he doesn’t care.

He is bringing the sunshine back into his life.

As he lowers his gaze, he meets Justin’s beautiful eyes, which seem to be shining brightly. Thus, he can’t help but smile. It’s been fifteen years since he’d met a frightened but determined kid under a street light, and looking at the man he’s become, Brian realizes he had never been so happy to have him close to him.

Justin walks closer before stopping in front of him. The stare they share says it all. No words are necessary, but they couldn’t do justice to the way Brian feels right now anyway. Brian just savors the moment, wanting it to last for as long as possible.

A curious thought crosses Brian’s mind as he stands there, immobile, in front of his first lover: he realizes time is passing by differently somehow. Each minute that goes by is lived fully, completely, by both of them; like they are realizing for the first time how important just one short moment can be, how it can change the meaning of their actions, the purpose of their lives.

It’s intense, fulfilling.

When Justin finally grabs his hand, Brian senses a feeling close to a spark inside his body. He chuckles inwardly at the idea that it is triggering a fire along the way, creating a path to his heart which is beating furiously in his chest as a result. That’s the corniest thought he’s had in years, maybe even in all his life.

He really has become a softie over the last few years. Or maybe he is finally admitting that he is a grown-up now, or perhaps simply a man.

At last, Brian steps closer, their bodies  _ finally _ touching, and soon his forehead meets Justin’s. Brian breathes slowly, wanting this moment to never end, yet knowing he won’t be able to wait for long now.

He has to kiss Justin, like he needs to breathe.

Brian touches Justin’s cheek, asking for silent permission. Justin steps back enough to meet his gaze and responds with a soft smile, giving him all the power he needs. Then lips meet, almost bashfully at first, just grazing, barely touching for long seconds. But it’s not enough. Brian needs more and soon he is invading, devouring, kissing while taking Justin in his arms, squeezing him, his hands touching hair, his heart beating fast, so fast.

The feelings surrounding him are nearly too much to bear. Still, Brian wants them to last forever.

“Justin...” Brian stops the kiss, nearly out of breath, his forehead back on Justin’s once again, hoping the other man will understand his silent plea.

“Yes.” It’s not a question, it’s an answer.

Brian smiles, cupping Justin’s cheek once more and kissing him one last time. Then, the two men start moving, smiling, Brian’s arm around Justin’s shoulder as they walk in the direction of the car.

* * *

This climactic moment in their lives is over. Almost.

One thing is certain, though. They both know they will never make it to the restaurant tonight.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks later...

**_Two weeks later_ **

**Ted’s POV**

On this Wednesday morning, Ted is sitting in front of his computer in his office, reading over the annual budget report that he had written for his boss one last time. He is due to submit it immediately, as Brian has specifically asked him to give it to him by noon.

Satisfied, Ted hits the ‘print’ button, stands up, and is ready to head in the direction of the copy room adjacent to his office, when he hears someone greeting him by name. Looking up, his gaze falls upon his boss’s lover, who is smiling warmly at him, causing his own lips to move upward almost involuntarily.

A couple of weeks ago, Brian and Justin had confirmed that they had found their way back to each other after many years apart; and Ted is sincerely happy to see that both men seem to be ready to embrace this new change in their relationship.

“Hi, Justin; you’re here to see Brian?” Ted asks, smiling at his friend.

“Yes. We’re going out for lunch. I’m just picking him up.” Justin responds cheerfully. Then he nods and walks out of his office, obviously intending to look for Brian.

Looking at the shadow of Justin’s retreating form, Ted can’t help but muse about how fast things can evolve, and how if one isn’t attentive enough he can miss the graduating evolutions in a person’s life, and only witness the result. People are often too busy in their own world to really notice the details happening in their day-to-day companions’ lives. And if they do notice, it’s so easy to assume too much about what choices their friends should make, and what their life should be like.

It’s a common thought, shared by a lot of people.

Expectation.

Truthfully, does it ever occur to you to just stop? Stop thinking about what you’re doing, or what you have to do, stop pressuring yourself about what’s right and wrong, stop waiting too much, stop waiting not enough, stop wanting to do what society teaches you to do...Just stop?

A man’s life has inevitable, expected paths to follow. When you’re a newborn, it’s expected that you will prevent your parents from sleeping with your cries. When you’re a toddler, it’s expected that you will do what you’re not allowed to, since you want to experience the world around you without any belief or notion of what’s right or wrong. When you’re a child, it’s expected that you will go to school, make friends and bring good grades home. When you’re a teenager, it’s expected that you will likely become a drama queen, an ET clone with different mantras like ‘Life sucks, parents just don’t understand anything.’ And the list could go on and on...

When you’re a man and become an adult, it’s expected that you will get married, find a decent job, have children, a wife, and a home. How many times does a single person have to hear the same old ‘ _and what about you?_ ’ when invited to parties by couples who have already followed that path?

That’s human nature.

But the truth is, expectations are bullshit. No one dictates your life but yourself.

Ted Schmidt had travelled a long time down life’s journey before reaching that conclusion. For years, he had wanted to follow the paths that he had thought were the right ones. When he was younger, his most cherished wish had been to become somebody and to be respected, even admired by his peers, because for him it would have meant the ultimate success. Truthfully, Ted had been so worried about what other people might think of him that sometimes he had lost himself in the process.

Now, he truly believes that a case of low self-confidence can cause any man to make bad choices. He is just grateful for the people who have helped him to understand that, because he knows things could have turned out a lot worse for him.

Consequently, when Ted sometimes feels that he is being overwhelmed with too many things to deal with, he just stops and takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes, exhales softly and allows his mind to take a look around him, and to appreciate what he has. He tells himself there is no need to pressure himself the way he does, no need to doubt his abilities to do what is right for himself, or to impress anyone.

Then, he contemplates his life for a second, thinking about his beloved husband, his family and his friends; and he remembers.

Life is a rollercoaster, for everyone. There are bad bumps along the way, and pretty high peaks, too. Good times and bad times. And these days, he just has to think about Justin and Brian to be convinced that it’s the truth.

The two men have become inseparable lately. Nor that they didn’t see each other a lot before; but now, their relationship is different.

Ted doesn’t know how it had happened, but something had changed shortly after Justin’s gallery opening. He still remembers witnessing them entering the diner a few days after the exhibition. They hadn’t been holding hands, or smiling like lovesick lovers - Brian had barely been touching Justin in the small of his back - but that touch alone and the glow which seemed to have surrounded them at that moment had been a revelation for Ted.

They were in love. Again.

Of course, when they had officially announced the news during one of Debbie’s Sunday dinners, she had gifted them with the kind of bone-crushing hug that only Debbie knew how to give. Emmett had clapped his hands, while Liam had been only too happy to be on the receiving end of a very thorough kiss as a result of Emmett’s melting heart. Michael had just smiled, like he already knew, Ben grinning along with him. The girls had congratulated them, too, while Gus had just shared a long and soft gaze with his father.

And yet, looking a back few months ago, who would have thought? Brian had been such a mess back then.

Ted isn’t stupid enough to think that Brian has forgotten all about Aidan. He knows the man will always be in his heart.

After all, moving on is not a synonym for a lapse in memory.

But he’s glad his friend is allowing himself to be happy again. He has had his share of pain, and it’s only fair that fate would compensate him by letting him find some happiness again.

It’s even more beautiful to know that Justin is the cause of Brian’s ‘ _recovery_.’

_You’re a real sentimental fool, Theodore Schmidt._

Smiling, Ted finally retrieves his progress report and delivers it to Brian’s desk. Then he walks out of the building, ready to meet with his beloved husband, his outlook just a bit more cheerful than usual.

* * *

**_Thirty minutes later, the diner_ **

**Brian’s POV**

“I’m starving!”

Brian and Justin are sitting at the counter, all the booths being occupied with other customers, and Justin is salivating at the mere sight of his plate which has just been placed in front of him.

“I can hear it. Your stomach growls louder than a polar bear,” Brian responds with a knowing smile, looking with a hint of disdain at the double hamburger with extra cheese displayed as Justin’s lunch.

“I can’t help it. Some of us need _real_ food to function, Brian,” Justin replies in a not-so-veiled attempt to insinuate that a white omelette and two, measly lettuce leaves are not his idea of a substantial meal. Then he plunges his fork and his knife into the enormous burger to slice off a huge mouthful.

“You call that real food? You’re a freak, you know that?” Brian retorts, before delicately chewing a piece of his dish.

“Yeah, but you’re one, too; so, all things considered, I think we are a _pretty_ good match.” Justin says, grinning, after having swallowed his first bite.

Brian swallows. “I’m _not_ pretty. I’m smoking hot. AND…I am NOT a freak.” he responds in mock insult, obviously playing the not-so-upset man to the hilt.

“You’re hot, it’s true. You’re the hottest control freak I know,” Justin agrees with a big, teasing smile, his hand grazing Brian’s right.

“It’s part of my endless and magnificent attractiveness.” Brian smirks, softly grabbing Justin’s collar before leaning closer, gazing into his lover’s eyes before stealing a kiss from him.

Brian is feeling good. More than that, he is relaxed and enjoying Justin’s presence by his side way too much. The two men are rediscovering a closeness both men had lost and craved.

That night had changed it all.

* * *

_Flashback, two weeks earlier…_

Walking inside Justin’s apartment, Brian is still flying from the true intensity of the moment he is sharing with him. He doesn’t know if it’s the rain, the shining brilliance in Justin’s eyes, the simplicity of their touch, or even his own mind having a will of his own and producing far too many endorphins for him not to feel the bliss invading every cell of his body. But whatever it is, it’s powerful, and better than any drugs he has ever consumed in his life.

Justin helps him to take off his wet coat, the simple touch sending shivers throughout his body; or maybe it’s actually because of the state he’s in, since he’s nearly soaked to the bone. Yet, at this point Brian isn’t sure of anything but the feelings he has when he looks at _that_ smile.

“You’re shivering,” Justin whispers, letting his hand slightly graze Brian’s arm.

Standing for long minutes in the rain had been totally worth it, but Brian can’t help but admit that the shivers he feels are probably due in large part to the wet cold invading his body. “I’m freezing.”

Justin stares at him for a few seconds, visibly pondering something, before lifting his hand in a silent invitation to follow him. “Come on...”

Brian tries to read his gaze, understanding some next stage is about to be reached, yet not knowing where he really wants it to go. One would have thought that after being separated intimately for so long, both men would want to jump at each other at the first chance they get. But the truth is, they would have been wrong.

Of course, Brian wants to have sex with Justin. After all, he is a gay man with needs, and fucking has always been a philosophy, a way of life. Still, just holding Justin tonight, the feeling of their foreheads joined, the grazing of their hands and most of all, the kiss that they had shared, had been so fulfilling, almost liberating.

Yes, liberating.

So, Brian takes Justin’s hand, follows him into the bathroom, and then just stands still as he watches him turn the water on. Finally, Justin turns to look at him, and Brian’s heart skips a beat. They are not touching, just staring intently, and as soon as Brian feels he won’t be able to avoid moving any longer, Justin finally takes the step separating them and starts to undress him.

Brian lets him, not moving at all, except to raise his arms and step out of his jeans.

The underwear comes off next, and at last Brian is standing completely nude in front of Justin. The other man’s eyes travel along his body, and Brian feels a shiver again, one this time he’s sure isn’t being caused by the cold.

Then Justin takes off his own clothes, while his gaze never leaves Brian’s.

* * *

Both their bodies disappearing into the foggy steam as soon as they enter the cubicle, the water quickly surrounds them with a curtain of wetness and warmth. They stand there for a long moment, Justin’s back to Brian’s chest, the man’s forehead resting on wet, blond hair. They savor the quiet peace, so familiar and yet so new, their bodies and minds welcoming the instant warmth.

Sometimes, the connection you share with another person feels like the time is suspended somehow, and that you are in another state of consciousness. It’s strange, because you don’t really acknowledge it, but it’s a welcome feeling.

You don’t even notice at first that your body is responding to the touch of skin, to the intimacy of the moment, ensuring a growing sensation of need.

Brian doesn’t move for a long time, but finally his lips seem to decide independently to taste the delicate curve of the neck offered in front of him. With the falling water ringing in his ears, he doesn’t hear the sigh that results from that first touch; nevertheless, he feels the slight shiver running through Justin’s body.

He grabs some soap and his hands start to rub Justin’s shoulders, his back, his arms. The feeling is amazing, and Brian can’t stop marvelling at the perfection of it all.

He finally reaches the curve of Justin’s ass, and slides his hands slowly over the visible skin, setting a slow pace to explore it fully before allowing his right one to explore an invisible zone. The sight of his disappearing hand in Justin’s crack, and the feeling of the hidden treasure inside it, is the last temptation needed to harden his cock to its fullest.

Justin lets his head fall backward, allowing Brian to kiss him. Their lips meet softly at first, yet fully, and soon Brian’s tongue is invading Justin’s mouth, as his hand rubs a little faster at his hole. Brian feels it opening under his touch, and can’t help but let a soft moan escape in reaction.

Justin begins to press back into his hand, their moans reverberating into their never-ending kiss. They won’t be able to fuck, as there is no condom nearby, but Brian can’t stop now. The feelings are just too overpowering.

Justin makes the decision for both of them.

He breaks the kiss, grabs Brian’s hand and brings it to his own cock, as Brian comes closer, his penis soon trapped between the two delicious cheeks. Then, Justin covers Brian’s hand with his own, and starts to slowly stroke himself with their joined hands, setting the pace, his mouth slightly opened because of the quickly building pleasure he is feeling. At the same time, he moves his ass to Brian’s cock, telling him without words what he wants. Brian lets another moan escape, and begins to rub his cock freely into the welcoming place, feeling the heat, the warmth.

The heaven.

Their moans are becoming louder, both men lost in the pleasure taking control over their bodies. Brian can’t believe that just rubbing his cock in the crease of Justin’s ass can overwhelm him like it does. He feels like his body is on fire, a desire controlling and consuming his mind; he senses every cell of his body becoming alive because of this untamed need burning inside him.

Soon, their pace increases, again and again, as they’re both unable – and unwilling – to stop, their need to come almost unbearable.

Brian can’t take it and licks Justin’s neck, the younger man tilting his head accordingly, before looking at their reflections in the steamed-up shower glass. Brian senses it and gazes up to meet his eyes, still rubbing his cock harder as the movement of their hands accelerate on Justin’s cock.

Their twin gazes are reflecting the pleasure, the need, but most of all, it’s the smoldering gaze of two men who are about to reach the point of no return. They are both breathing hard, a fire burning in their eyes, their increasing moans filling the air; the rubbing, the stroking, melting into one indescribable and delightful sensation.

Brian is the first to lose it. He cries out, his eyes still fixed on Justin, his facial features freezing in some kind of blissful rictus, as warm come starts to spill from his cock, his orgasm so intense he finally has to close his eyes. A part of his brain feels Justin ejaculating in his hand and hears him reaching satisfaction, but he is so lost in his own pleasure that he doesn’t open his eyes immediately, the delectable wave of the aftermath just beginning to invade him.

They breathe hard for several seconds, neither man moving or saying anything. Brian’s head is resting on Justin’s, and at last his strong arms envelop the younger man as soon as his mind starts to clear.

Then, Justin turns around, a little smile grazing his lips as he lets Brian hold him under the spray.

Brian gives him a smile of his own before letting their foreheads touch, simply enjoying the feeling of the other man’ s skin on his.

It feels so fucking good.

**_End of Flashback_ **

* * *

Now, two weeks later, looking at Justin eating his burger and sharing a funny story about one of his latest clients, Brian feels it.

The Love.

If someone had told him a few months ago that he would risk his heart again, he would have denied it with all his strength. Aidan’s leaving had left such a big hole inside him. The man will always own a piece of his heart.

He will never forget Aidan. He can’t.

Yet, today he can think of him, and feel gratitude toward whatever power that led him to meet Aidan. The man had saved him from himself, allowing him to remember how to love and to be loved. He had learned so much during the time of their relationship.

His only regret is that he may never be sure about the reason _why_ it had ended so suddenly. He knows it might be incorrect, but he fervently hopes that Aidan is happy somewhere; he needs to cling to that little piece of hope because even if they’re not lovers anymore and never will be again, the alternative would just be too devastating.

Life happens for a reason. Brian doesn’t know why, but he’s convinced he was preordained to meet these two men. They were his destiny.

And now he is ready again for love…with Justin.

Love is powerful, so beautiful, so pure. Even if Brian isn’t naive enough to think that everything will travel down a long and quiet path, he wants to live it, to share his life with this beautiful man, and to savor every good moment. They will fuck up, they will fight, they will make up, but he truly hopes they will persevere through it – _all_ of it.

_Together._

* * *

**_Nine years later, April 2024, the lake at Central Park, New York City_ **

**The older man’s POV**

In a surprisingly cold and gray day – considering the time of year – two men are sitting on a bench, looking at passers-by without really seeing them, their faces closed-off as the younger man – in his early thirties – sighs deeply, obviously nervous. He is sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles, his short, dark hair partially hidden by a hat, and his green eyes focused on the Lake in front of him.

“You’re sure he’s gonna come to the exhibition?” He asks the fifty-something-year-old man sitting beside him.

The older man with brown eyes and curly, salt-and-pepper hair just shrugs before replying, “I hope so. Did you send an invitation to his partner as well?” He gazes briefly in the direction of his companion before looking back at the placid body of water.

“Yes, I did.” The younger man puts his hands in his pockets, lowering his gaze to look at the ground.

The older man seems satisfied with his response, nodding as his gaze lands on a rowboat anchored a short distance away; several other rowboats are sprinkled around the lake as various couples enjoy the lake’s scenery.

The younger man sighs. “What do we say to him? You know he’s going to have a lot of questions.”

“That’s the point. It’s been too long already. He wants him to know the truth. We have to respect his wishes,” he explains, leaving no room for argument.

Still, the younger man seems doubtful. “I don’t know. I mean, it’s been ten years already.”

His older companion shrugs. “It’s not our call. It’s his.”

His statement is followed by a companionable silence until the younger man inquires, “You’ll be there?”

“Of course,” he reassures him. Then, turning to peer at his companion, he puts his hand lightly on his leg and squeezes it briefly. “Hey; it’s going to be okay.”

The younger man sighs, a reflection of his true feelings. “I know, it’s just that...It’s still hard, you know?”

“I know.” _I know_.

Then the older man asks, “When does your father and sister arrive?”

“They’ll be there Friday night.”

He nods, focusing his gaze once again on the activity occurring on the water. After a few seconds, he hears the younger man take a deep breath before saying, “Thank you... For everything.”

“Anytime.”

Finally, the older man stands up, straightening his coat, and turns to face his companion. The two men say their goodbyes, and at last he slowly makes his way towards the nearest exit of the park. His thoughts lead him to his childhood friend, the man for who he is doing this, and a squeezing grabs his chest.

The older man doesn’t know how it’s going to go, but whatever the results, he won’t back down from his duty.

It’s time for revelations.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of BOOK 2.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nine years later, Brian is about to make a devastating revelation...

**_March 2024, New York City_ **

**Brian’s POV**

“What do you mean, you can’t come?”

Brian is standing at his and Justin’s penthouse in New York, looking at the city through the oversized windows leading to the terrace, the rare rays of sunlight falling sideways from the cloudy sky and shining with a special morning glow as they illuminate the urban landscape. He is listening to his partner on his cell while pinching his nose in frustration, obviously not happy with Justin’s answer.

“I don’t want to leave Molly. She had contractions last night, and she’s going to have to stay at the hospital at least until this afternoon, maybe even until tomorrow.”

Molly is married now, nearly seven months’ pregnant with her first child, and Justin hasn’t stopped mothering her at every opportunity he’s had since she told him the news. Brian is pretty sure his partner has been driving his sister crazy, knowing how independent both siblings are.

She had to go to the E.R the day before, her husband Kyle being worried that she might have the baby prematurely because of unexpected contractions. Her gynecologist, while reassuring, had decided to keep her under surveillance for a little longer.

However, Brian knows for a fact after a phone call with Jennifer that Molly isn’t happy with this turn of events.

The truth is, neither is he.

“Justin...” Brian wheedles, trying one last time to make his partner change his mind. But he already realizes that it’s a lost cause.

“I know, okay? It’s been a hectic two months, between you being in New York to supervise the extension of Kinnetik, and me going to Paris for a couple of weeks to see Peter and having to stay in Pittsburgh the rest of the time. Seriously, Brian...” Justin pauses, seemingly as frustrated as his partner, before he whispers softly, “I’ve missed you like crazy. But I can’t come today.” There is no room for any possible argument.

Brian sighs deeply. “Fantastic...”

“Brian...”

“No; listen, I get it.” Brian answers a little too forcefully, his tone betraying his disappointment. “But I’m not thrilled to be going to that exhibition without my partner. Mr. Lewis wanted you _and_ me to be there. He insisted,” he reminds Justin. The exhibition he is referring to is that very night.

“I know.”

Mr. Lewis is one of Brian’s biggest clients. He had invited him and Justin to attend an exhibition in one of the most prominent galleries of New York City. It had actually been a condition to seal the deal for the new campaign the ad man and his team had presented to him a month ago.

However, Brian had found it strange that it seemed so important to Mr Lewis that he come to this particular event, but he didn’t question it for too long. After all, business is business. What the client wants is gold, especially if it means signing a new contract with a seven-figure payoff. Brian is all for keeping the client satisfied under these conditions.

It would also have been a good opportunity for him to mix business with pleasure, since Justin was supposed to be there with him. Mr. Lewis had insisted that Brian come with his partner, and Justin had surprisingly received an invitation, anyway, probably because he was a well-known owner of a gallery in Chelsea with a solid reputation.

Indeed, three years earlier, Justin had finally opened a small gallery in the Big Apple, as the Taylor-Cohen gallery in Pittsburgh had become well-established by now, being one of the top places to be seen for a new artist in the eastern United States. So, it had been a natural decision to create a second gallery in the Capital of Art.

Brian and Justin had also invested in a small, yet beautiful penthouse together in Manhattan a few years back. It had seemed like a logical step, as Brian had been going to the city regularly to deal with Kinnetik’s second office. Spending money for four-star hotel rooms had definitely been a waste of money, and owning a place was a better solution, as well as a good investment for both men. Justin had been thrilled to have a place in New York, which allowed him to spend some time in the city with Brian and make interesting contacts for his future projects. Of course, they still had a home in Pittsburgh. Brian and Justin had both agreed to keep the loft and sell Justin’s place back in the fall of 2015.

As a result, they have been dividing their time between Pittsburgh and New York for several years now, trying to coordinate their busy schedules so they can spend as much time as possible in the same city. It had worked out quite well, allowing both of them to continue evolving in their professional lives.

Of course, it is also a crazy life; and as a couple, they still fight and scream at each other from time to time. But at the end of the day, when they find each other again, they share the same passion and love that they have always felt, even after all these years.

 _Still, Mr. Lewis is not going to be happy with Justin’s absence. And neither am I,_ Brian can’t help but think, trying to focus once again on their conversation while he attempts to hold his worsening headache at bay; the one that he can tell is beginning to make its insidious way into his brain. Going to the exhibition without Justin hadn’t been a part of his plan. And truthfully, he misses his partner, even if he isn’t going to confirm it out loud, since he doesn’t want to sound like he is begging for Justin to come.

He still has his pride.

So, finally, Brian quips, opting for a dramatic response, “And now, thanks to you, I’m going to be stuck, alone, with a bunch of eccentric artists for hours...”

“Brian...” Justin retorts in an ‘ _I’m rolling my eyes at your obvious way of making me feel guilty_ ’ kind of way.

That doesn’t stop Brian, who continues his little diatribe, ignoring Justin’s tone of voice. “...when I could have had you by my side to play the perfect, hypocritical speaker, sparing me the duty of telling them how lame they really are.”

“Brian...” This time, Justin chuckles at Brian’s obvious joke.

“I’m serious! You have no idea how much I hate pretentious little pricks who believe they are the next best thing to God. It’s so fucking annoying,” Brian responds tongue-in-cheek while he feigns exasperation.

Justin answers, obviously grinning on the other end of the phone. “You’re just disappointed not to have me there beside you so we can both laugh at their expense.”

Brian pinches his lips, trying to stop them from moving upwards – and failing - before admitting, “You know me too well, I’m afraid.”

Justin chuckles. “Yeah, I’m afraid I do. And if it’s any comfort, from what I’ve heard about the works being displayed at this gallery – which, by the way, is one of the most prestigious galleries there – it seems that all the artists being exhibited are really talented, and not necessarily pretentious pricks with a God complex.” Then he can’t help but quip, “And even if they are, I’m pretty sure some people would tell you that you will be completely at ease among them,” Justin says teasingly, knowing full well his partner can understand the implied meaning of his statement. After all, Brian _had_ been known to be a pretentious prick in the past. And when he really wants to, he still is a spectacular one. The best, actually, like in everything else he does.

That’s part of his natural charm.

“I really wish I could be there. It sounds like it’s going to be an amazing show,” Justin adds wistfully before concluding, “…But I’m sure you will be just fine.”

“If you say so...” Brian responds fondly, loving that Justin can still call him on his bullshit after all these years.

Then Brian frowns as he realizes something. “I don’t even know what the exhibition is about, or how many artists will be at the opening.”

“You didn’t read the program?” Justin sounds astonished.

“No. So I guess it will be a surprise, and a good one from what you’re telling me,” Brian comments.

Then a comfortable pause follows, while Brian observes a beautiful little bird which is perched on the edge of the terrace, hopping from place to place as he moves his head endlessly from side to side.

“Brian...”

“Hmm...” Brian answers distractedly, his gaze still fixated on the scenery outside.

“I will be here as soon as I can. Tomorrow, or two days at the latest,” Justin promises.

Brian’s gaze refocuses on their conversation. “Yeah...Okay.” He nods, even if Justin can’t see him.

“You’re not mad, are you?” Justin asks, a hint of apprehension in his voice.

“Justin...” Brian softly reprimands his lover and reassures him at the same time.

Justin sighs. “I know, stupid question, sorry... It’s just that...Fuck! I miss you so much.”

That makes Brian smile. “You’d better. I still can’t believe I’m being ignored because of your bad habit of turning into Debbie and playing Mother Hen with your family,” he responds playfully. Teasing his partner is one of his guiltiest pleasures.

“Hey! I’m not Debbie!” Justin retorts immediately.

“Sure you aren’t... Later, Sunshine,” Brian replies, still grinning.

“Later...” Justin answers softly, before ending the call.

Brian claps his phone shut, his eyes fixed on it for a moment, a little smile still playing on his lips.

Then, he gazes sideways at the beautiful bird, which is now at the other corner of the terrace, obviously ready to fly away. Brian tilts his head, lost in the sight of this symbol of freedom, this little being which can be there one second and then disappear the next, ready to discover a whole new world. Brian blinks at the thought.

When he opens his eyes, the bird is gone.

At last, Brian makes his way to his office, situated to the rear of their living room. He sits at his desk and opens his laptop. After turning it on, he stretches his legs out in front of him, putting his hands on the back of his neck and sighing deeply. Then, as the home page appears in front of him, he relaxes and opens his email contacts to search for Mr. Lewis’s phone number.

He briefly thinks about cancelling their plans to see the exhibition, not wanting to go without his partner. After all, this kind of event is really Justin’s thing, and even if Brian can appreciate art in a prestigious place and recognize talent when he sees it, going without Justin is not really appealing to him. He misses him so much these days.

He could even surprise him and fly to Pittsburgh tonight. He knows Justin would be thrilled, and he could try to keep him away from his sister. She would be forever grateful for the intervention.

Still, he dismisses the idea pretty quickly, suspecting Mr. Lewis would be upset if he didn’t show up. He had promised him he would be there, and he isn’t going to back down now.

Little does he knows that this apparently not-so-important decision is actually going to be a decisive one, and will lead him to a revelation he isn’t ready to deal with.

Not at all.

* * *

**_New York City, Mnemosyne Gallery, 7:00 PM_ **

After having agreed with Mr. Lewis to meet him directly at the gallery, Brian finally arrives at the entrance of the building. Opening the large, sculpted door, he discovers a long corridor with high ceilings and huge old paintings nestled among dark-red walls. Walking through it, he arrives at the lobby where a woman, impeccably dressed in a professional black suit, is checking coats for the guests; he presents his invitation and allows her to take his coat and his scarf, nodding at her in thanks as he accepts a flyer she gives him.

Taking a quick look at the cover, he notices for the first time that the exhibition is actually a multidisciplinary one with paintings, sculptures and photographs emphasizing a main theme written in golden letters in the middle of the page:

_The Shadow of Memory._

* * *

That would have been his first clue, if Brian had known something was meant to happen tonight.

He also could have taken a moment to look at the names of the artists displaying their works, as it would have been a second clue.

But he didn’t.

* * *

Brian folds the program and puts it in his pocket before heading towards another opened door; there are impressive, brass poles and a velvet, red cord placed in front to imitate a red carpet effect, a sign that this is, indeed, the entrance to the exhibition.

Walking through it several seconds later, Brian’s eyes scan the large, asymmetrical room he has just entered, noticing the subdued lights and the serene atmosphere surrounding the art. A lot of guests are already milling about, the first part of it displaying several paintings on huge white and golden walls, while the second part highlights sculptures in beautiful alcoves. The photographs apparently are showcased in another room, as Brian notices a corridor at the exact opposite side from where he is standing, with people freely coming and going.

Brian doesn’t see Mr. Lewis anywhere nearby, so he decides to wander around for a few minutes.

The paintings are mostly abstracts, muted colors representing the brilliance of their unseen subjects. The technique used is subtle, and Brian is amazed how the observer seems to be drawn into the canvas, wanting to understand its meaning, and to know more about the subjects. It’s strange, because there are no faces, no bodies, but your mind seems to see something, or _someone,_ anyway, like you want to sense ‘ _it_ ’ without being able to touch it.

The chosen titles strengthen that impression: _Those Who Remain, Caress of a Lost Souvenir, Memento of Another, Recalling Tomorrow…_

Brian is pleasantly surprised by these pieces of art. They’re powerful, frustrating somehow, but Brian recognizes genius when he sees it. This artist will certainly go far in the art world.

It’s a real shame Justin isn’t here.

Next, Brian heads towards the sculptures, yet he doesn’t linger there too long. Sure, they’re beautiful – long bodies made in bronze, curved in strange positions, holding their head or reflecting a lost gaze, or so it seems...But the truth is, sculpture has never been Brian’s thing, because they don’t bring him to that state of contemplation he can feel when he looks intently at a painting. Yet, he can recognize the artist’s talent in creating such a form, and his perceptiveness regarding the human body.

Brian is surprised Mr. Lewis hasn’t shown up already, as he had been here for nearly forty-five minutes now. However, he is nowhere to be seen. Sighing, Brian ponders briefly about where he should go next. Should he wait for Mr. Lewis a little longer in this room, or continue his tour? He still has the photography area to explore, and now that he’s here he is curious about it. After all, photography has always been one of his own favorite hobbies.

Finally deciding not to wait for his missing companion, Brian heads towards the corridor separating the two parts of the exhibition, deftly snatching a glass of champagne from a passing waiter carrying a tray. The corridor leads to a smaller room, with a huge, white wall rising up in the center of it, big openings on each side allowing the guests to circulate around it. Thus, the space is separated into two equal parts, accentuating the feeling of intimacy already present because of the low lights illuminating each displayed picture.

Brian notices immediately that each photograph is in black and white, the artist obviously wanting to highlight his subjects. Indeed, the observer can readily discern each person in every picture. The photographer has either focused on a silhouette, a back, or a hand, but whatever the focus, it’s like his work is telling a story. Each picture is presented with a legend, indicating a name – certainly the name of the person; a date – in this case, September 2023; and a place – The Sundale Institution located near New York City. Some of the photographs were taken in an indoor environment, while some of them used an outdoor landscape as the background.

Brian doesn’t know why, but an uneasy feeling begins to creep up on him as he continues to study the works. As he inspects them more closely, he realizes that each picture represents a person who doesn’t seem to be here. When you look at the ones displayed in silhouette, the subjects seem to stand too still. In the one where there is an old hand, it seems to be too tight. And when Brian finally sees the face of a woman, her eyes seem nearly devoid of any kind of emotion, like she couldn’t care less about physically being there because her mind is somewhere else.

Yet, Brian is amazed, because even if the subjects are obviously patients at the Institute, and apparently sick – even if not physically – the photographer has managed to make them...beautiful. Brian can’t find another word to express how he feels as he looks at these strangers.

The artist has managed to put his subjects into the light.

Taking a sip of his champagne, Brian follows the contour of the wall in the center of the room and makes his way toward the other side.

That’s when it happens.

The photograph is like every other one, except for the fact that the man is sitting in a wheelchair in front of a window. You don’t see his eyes, but he seems to look toward the outside world. Trees are clearly situated outside, bright sunlight peeking through their branches and allowing it to shine through the big openings between the leaves, illuminating the man’s presence.

The photographer must have been standing behind him, slightly sideways, as you can detect the man’s profile, the tip of his nose, his left cheek, and his joined hands.

His hands...

Brian recognizes them immediately. He doesn’t know why, or how, but he instantly knows.

_God, no..._

The crashing of his glass on the floor, followed by someone calling his name from behind – a voice he hadn’t heard in ten years...Brian doesn’t really hear any of it.

He is too busy fighting the despair from enveloping his mind, even if he knows it’s a losing battle.

* * *

Several hours later, Brian is back home, sitting on a couch, tears running freely down his cheeks as he stares at the unopened letter in his hands.

Placing it on the coffee table, he grabs his phone, hitting the speed button almost automatically; he doesn’t even realize what he is doing.

When he hears the voice greeting him at the other end, he doesn’t have the strength to say anything except his name.

Then, he lets his hand fall to his side, his gaze still fixed on the letter in front of him.

He doesn’t move for a long time.

* * *

**Justin’s POV**

When his cell rings at half past eleven that night, Justin rubs his eyes, but smiles instantly as he looks at the name displayed on the screen. He had just arrived home an hour ago, after his sister and the hospital staff had thrown him out of her room so he could get some much-needed sleep – and to get him out of their hair, he suspects – and he is eager to know how Brian’s meeting with Mr. Lewis had gone; and if his partner is going to regale him with stories about stupid artists and pompous assholes, even if Justin knows Brian will just joke around. After all, the Mnemosyne Gallery is one of the best galleries in New York, and their managers do a great job of choosing artists to create wonderful exhibitions.

Thus, Justin answers his phone cheerfully and greets his partner warmly. “So, how was your night, dear? You’re still alive?”

However, his blood runs cold as he hears the desperation and anguish in his partner’s voice.

“ _Justin..._ ”

He has never regretted not being by his partner’s side more than he does at that instant.

Five minutes later, he leaves the loft with only one destination in mind.

_Brian..._

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his partner's phone call, Justin takes action and goes to find Brian...

**Justin’s POV**

After Brian phone’s call, Justin tries to call him back three times in the minutes following their exchange – without success – cursing out loud in frustration.

Helpless.

Grabbing his car keys and exiting the loft, he calls Gus, then Michael, in order to find out if everyone in their circle of family and friends is alright, since it is the only logical thing Justin can think of to explain Brian’s behavior. If something had happened to anybody, Gus or Michael would certainly know.

Soon, however, Justin determines quickly that his worries regarding them are unfounded.

He does all he can to sound nonchalant about the fact that he is calling them so late, using his sister’s condition as an excuse about how unaware he is of the ungodly hour, when the truth is he feels like screaming inside. Yet, he decides not to reveal anything; he doesn’t want to worry them about Brian until he knows what he is dealing with. As a result, he forces himself to stay calm and ends the conversations fairly quickly, apologizing for the late calls and pretending to be exhausted anyway.

Then, without thinking any further, Justin hops into his car, deciding to drive to New York and join his partner as soon as possible. Flying is impossible; Justin knows for a fact that there is unfortunately no flight available before 5:00 a.m., meaning it would be several hours before he could possibly board any flight to join Brian in the Big Apple.  

One hour later, lost in his own thoughts – anxiety and nervousness keeping him wide awake – Justin is driving on the freeway, regretting for the thousandth time that he had not gone to New York the day before as he had initially planned, electing, instead, to stay by his sister’s side. Objectively, his head tells him that he couldn’t have predicted what was going to happen, but nevertheless his heart has difficulties not feeling guilty regarding his decision.

Thus, sitting alone in the car, Justin is a nervous mess, the silence eating him alive. He has tried to call Brian back about a dozen times with no answer. Every time the call goes to voicemail, and his level of anxiety and tension increases tenfold.

“God damn it _ , _ Brian!” Justin yells inside the four-wheel-drive vehicle, hitting the steering wheel in frustration. Sighing tensely, he forces himself to refocus on the road ahead, reminding himself that he needs to arrive in New York in one piece. The only positive side to his current state of mind is that sleep isn’t a problem right now; Justin feels like every ounce of his being is boiling at the moment because of an unwelcomed energy which can’t find its way out of his body.

Letting his thoughts take over, Justin tries once again to find a plausible explanation for this mess, but he can’t find one. Brian had been fine the last time he had talked to him this morning. More than fine. What could have caused such a reversal, then? Did it have anything to do with the exhibition? And if so, why?

Brian has never been a man who collapses at the first sign of any ordeal, nor does he show his emotions lightly. He is a tough man, even if he’s had his own aches and pains to deal with in the past. Justin had known him for nearly twenty-five years now, and has shared his day-to-day life with him for a long time, minus those seven years when he had gone to Europe. And Brian has  _ never  _ called him in the middle of the night, obviously deeply distraught and not being able to utter anything but his name.

Whatever is happening, then, has to be quite serious for Brian to react so badly. And it’s extremely frustrating for Justin not to be there with him already, his mind questioning over and over again the reason for it all.

There is only one thing Justin is sure of at this moment.

Brian needs him. He just has to keep driving.

* * *

Several hours later, Justin finally arrives in New York. The peaceful atmosphere surrounding the city in these early hours makes him feel strange, like life is laughing at him and mocking him with its deafening quietness.

The calm before the storm.

The contrast with his current state of mind is poignant. For a minute, he almost feels like laughing, the nervousness he has felt for the past several hours being a conduit which allows strange emotions to invade his mind. However, this urge is a furtive one, as Justin only wants – or more precisely needs – one thing.

To find Brian.

Leading the car into the underground parking facility of their building, Justin finally turns off the vehicle. Taking a deep breath, he opens the door, gets out of the car and locks it up before heading toward the adjacent elevator. He is feeling nervous, eager to return to Brian, but dreading what he is about to discover at the same time. Moreover, he doesn’t want to consider the possibility that Brian might not be home.

A minute later, he is standing in front of the penthouse’s front door. Using his key, he unlocks the door and turns its handle slowly.

The first thing that Justin notices is the silence. Not only that, but a near darkness permeates the place, reinforcing the intensity of the moment. If not for the low light filtering in from the terrace, and the very first signs of dawn beginning to break through the oversized windows, Justin wouldn’t have been able to walk into the foyer without switching on the lights. 

Making his way towards the living room, Justin’s eyes adjust to the lack of luminosity; he scans the space quickly, noticing that everything seems to be in order.

Then, Justin approaches the sofa and freezes.

Brian is there, lying on his right side, sleeping.

Justin comes closer, the security light over the outside patio door providing him with just enough brightness to discern the shape before him clearly. He kneels in front of Brian’s face and notices for the first time that there are dried tears on his cheeks and nose.

The man seems devastated; it’s like his facial features are reflecting despair, even in his sleep. Justin feels his heart tighten at the sight.

Slowly, his right hand reaches for Brian’s hair, and he caresses it softly. He hesitates for a minute before climbing onto the couch, and finally he gently lies in front of his partner, his chest to Brian’s, to pull him into his arms.

He can’t decide if he wishes for his partner to wake up or not, needing to know what’s wrong, but at the same time also wanting to spare Brian any additional pain as long as he can. However, the thought hadn’t even finished forming in his mind before he feels Brian burying his head into his shoulder and his arms wrapping around him tightly, pulling him into almost a death grip.

“You’re here...” Brian whispers, and Justin chooses to squeeze him harder in response, letting his partner know without words that he’s here to offer him all the help and love he needs in order to face whatever he is going through.

His lover stays silent for a long time, the only proof that he is still awake being the moisture Justin can feel on his shoulder.

* * *

Finally, Brian moves slightly, Justin understanding that he is ready to open up and explain what has happened. Therefore, Justin disentangles himself from his partner and sits next to him on the sofa.

He positions himself with his right leg folded under him, facing Brian, while the man sits normally, looking straight ahead of him, his elbows resting on his thighs, his hands joined.

Sensing that speaking about what had happened is still too difficult for Brian, Justin reaches over toward his thigh and lets his hand rest here, slightly caressing it as he attempts to provide silent support.

“I...” Brian begins, swallowing. “I went to the exhibition last night...”  He stops, allowing some much-needed air to fill his lungs to help him continue.  “And I...” he tries to speak, but the words seem to be stuck in his throat.  “Christ!” He curses loudly then, restlessly brushing his hand through his hair.

Justin doesn’t say a word, but his heart is breaking even more in light of Brian’s obvious sorrow. He realizes, however, that he has to let him reveal in his own way and time whatever is causing him so much pain.  So he stays silent and waits. He can hear Brian’s breathing, the kind you only have when you are trying with all your might not to lose it.

Finally Brian whispers, “There were...photographs...Part of the exhibition was about the Sundale Institution.”  His gaze is lost as a fresh tear falls from his eye. He doesn’t even seem to notice. “It’s a private institute that treats people with mental illness, and... patients with Alzheimer’s disease in particular...”

Justin frowns. What does this have to do with Brian? They don’t know anyone suffering from a mental condition. Unless...

An icy feeling creeps into his mind.

When they had reunited, Brian had told him about Aidan, about his sister’s disease, and about his unanswered questions regarding his abrupt disappearance from his life. Justin had listened intently, understanding this man had been an important part of Brian’s life for more than five years, and knowing he would always be in his heart. Justin thinks that it’s actually one of the most beautiful things about his partner. Once he loves you, he loves you forever, no matter what. Moreover, he knows Brian would do anything for those who had won his heart - his friends, his family, his son, his partner, or a former lover - because once you’re in, you never leave him.

Brian looks up and gazes at him for the first time, the pain in his eyes almost unbearable to witness. Justin wants nothing more than to take the pain away and protect him from the heartache he instinctively knows is about to come his way.

At this instant, Justin is sure that his guess is accurate. Aidan is the only man outside himself, his friends and his family who still has a grip on Brian’s heart. 

Justin just needs confirmation. 

He doesn’t have to wait for long.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

**_Several hours earlier, Mnemosyne Gallery_ **

When Brian understands what he is looking at, he feels like the world stops spinning at the same time that his heart ceases to beat. The invisible hand that seems to squeeze his chest is like nothing he’s ever felt; or worse, like a distant memory from another time, when it would have been accompanied by the sound of a baseball bat, or by an awful news bulletin from the radio. Although this time, his mind instantly knows that things will never be better, and he can’t do anything to help, or to trick fate. It’s already too late.

It has always been too late.

“Brian...”

The voice calling him doesn’t enter his brain, not really. Brian feels like he’s suspended in time, the world crashing down around him as he stands in the middle of chaos, while all his surroundings disappear with a bang. He doesn’t even flinch when his glass crashes down onto the floor.

Then, his mind goes blank and the sounds fade away as he holds the pain at bay, the truth away, and clings to the thought that all of it is just a nightmare.  It is the only way he can remain standing.

_ This isn’t happening... _

His attempt to deny reality is temporary, though. “Brian...” A hand is grabbing his arm. Brian lowers his gaze to stare at it without thinking, and finally his gaze meets green eyes that peer back at him with...what? Empathy? Understanding? Pity?

Brian’s facial features harden, a forceful rage taking over his mind. He instantly knows his presence tonight isn’t a coincidence, and that he had been tricked somehow. He doesn’t understand how – or why it has to happen now – but there is one thing he is sure of.

He is ready to explode.

“How dare you!” He yells at the young man in front of him.

The first time he had seen him, this man had been just a scared teenager, being forced to watch his mother disappear with each passing day. But now, looking at him, Brian sees that he has grown up a lot in the last ten years.

Noah Miller has become a beautiful man, but actually he could be a troll for all Brian cares.

“Let me explain...” Noah begins, trying to pacify him.

“Explain?  _ Explain _ ???” Brian shouts loudly, anger flooding his body. “How could you! You had no right!” Brian doesn’t really knows why he is so furious now. Is it because photographs of his apparently sick, former lover are being displayed publicly for everybody to see, or because he feels trapped and forced to discover a truth he wanted with all of his strength not to believe existed?

Either way, that doesn’t matter, as he is unable to stop the fury from consuming his entire being. His chest is tight, he is breathing too fast, and his heart is pounding in his ears. He feels like he is going to lose it completely any second.

“I need to get out of here...” He mutters, backing down, his hands up, like a man who needs desperately to escape. By now, the scene has attracted a lot of curious stares, but Brian doesn’t care.

“You aren’t going anywhere...”

The voice coming from behind him doesn’t belong to Noah. At first, Brian is too upset to realize that he has actually stopped moving. Then, turning around, he freezes as he looks at the man in front of him.

He hadn’t seen this man a lot during the course of his relationship with Aidan. In fact, when they had been together, Aidan’s childhood friend hadn’t been a regular part of his life, time having damaged their precious bond over the years.

Still, Brian knows Simon Atkins had meant a lot to Aidan.  _ ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ _ isn’t always a true idiom. And if the man’s presence here is any indication, it couldn’t be further from the truth tonight.

Brian steps back, his brain flooding with emotions he can’t control. He doesn’t understand how this can be happening.

“What...?” Brian is totally lost right now.

“Not here...Come with me,” Simon interjects firmly yet softly, indicating a door at the back of the room. Then he starts walking in that direction, obviously hoping that Brian will follow him.

Brian looks at Noah, who is still standing next to him, and the young man nods at him, encouraging him to do as he’s asked.

Brian wants to run away, to pretend these last ten minutes have never happened. But in the end, he  _ can’t.  _ He follows Simon and Noah, his body seemingly having a will on his own, while his mind is still screaming that this isn’t real. It can’t be.

Until now, Brian has never understood why some people say that ignorance is a blessing and a curse at the same time. But now that the truth is about to be revealed, he realizes he couldn’t agree more.

* * *

The three men enter a little office across the corridor situated at the back of the photographs’ exhibition space. Simon is visibly calm, his face not betraying any kind of emotions, while Noah seems anxious and sorry at the same time.

Brian breaks the uncomfortable silence, getting straight to the point. “You had this all planned, didn’t you?” He accuses the two men, his incriminating eyes never leaving Simon’s profile.

“Yes, we did,” Simon concedes quietly.

“Why?” Brian asks, a desperate edge coloring his voice. Then, gazing at Noah, he adds, “Why now?”

Noah sighs. “Simon made me meet with the owners of this place a year ago to talk about an exhibition I wanted them to sponsor about the Sundale Institute. I’m going to give you the details later if you want, but first I want you to know that we didn’t plan to make you come.” He paces briefly, before focusing his entire attention on Brian. “But...Aidan had always wanted you to know the truth when the time came, and...” His voice trails off as he begins to gesture with his hands in an attempt to try and explain the situation.

Simon takes over and reveals, “…And  _ I _ decided it was time.” Then, he stares at Brian as if he is waiting for a reaction.

Brian reminds silent.

Simon continues, “Time is running out for all of us, in fact; and we have waited too long to tell you already.” He sighs, finally admitting, “Robert, I mean Mr. Lewis, is a friend of mine. I asked him to invite you tonight, and to make sure you would come with your partner. We weren’t planning on you being here alone.”

Brian huffs. “How thoughtful of you!” Then, he shakes his head. “Let me get this straight. You invited me and my partner to come here and see for ourselves the truth about my former lover? Seriously?”

In response to the men’s silent reaction, Brian laughs bitterly before exploding, “That is SO completely fucked up! It’s a masquerade to make you feel good about yourself! You just didn’t have the balls to face me and to tell me in person!” He yells, unable to control himself. Then, his voice cracks. “Why? You’ve waited nearly ten years, for fuck’s sake! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“It wasn’t our decision, it was  _ his _ !” Simon retorts a little too forcefully. “Aidan didn’t want to disrupt your life. He wanted you to be happy with Justin. But at the same time, he has always wanted you to know the truth, but only when the time was right...” The way Simon voices it, Brian understands that he obviously didn’t agree with Aidan. Still, he has apparently respected his decision.

Brian has the impression that his thoughts are melting inside his brain. It doesn’t make any sense. “What do you mean, when the...”

“Here...” Simon cuts him off. “This is for you.”

Brian looks down at the letter that Simon is holding in his hand; He hesitates briefly before taking it, his hand slightly shaking. He doesn’t know why, but seeing the envelope with his name on it – penned in black and white by Aidan’s hand, a writing Brian recognizes instantly – makes his wrath fade away suddenly.

A rush of despair invades him instead. It’s like Brian understands at that exact moment that his anger will not bring Aidan back to the way he was before, and that fighting is useless. And that’s when he realizes what it really means...

“It’s Alzheimer, isn’t it?” Brian whispers, trying to swallow the lump that has suddenly appeared in his throat. He refuses to tear his eyes away from the letter. It’s like if he doesn’t look at Simon, it might soften the blow he is going to feel, even if he knows it’s ridiculous.

“Yes...” Simon confirms softly.

Brian steps back and turns around. He isn’t sure he is going to be able to control his emotions, and he doesn’t want the two men to look at him right now. He looks once more at the letter in his hands, at his name on the paper. He feels so many emotions right now, but he doesn’t know how to handle them.

He has one last question to ask. “Is he...?”

But saying the word is too hard.

* * *

**Justin’s POV**

The daylight is starting to illuminate the penthouse. Justin looks at Brian, who has just stopped speaking, his forehead cradled in his hands, obviously still lost in the memory. The letter Brian had mentioned is lying on the coffee table, unopened. Next to it, there is a business card with Simon Atkins’ name on it, along with his phone number.

The younger man moves his hand to Brian’s face and gently wipes away the tear running along his left cheek. Brian looks up at him, their eyes locking in a silent message of love.

If anyone could see them right now, both men lost in each other’s gaze, it would be immediately understood that they share a rare connection. Truthfully, not everyone could deal with the ghost of a former lover hovering over their relationship. But these two lovers know that they can face anything, as long as they’re together.

So Justin comes closer and takes his partner’s face in his hands. Then he leans in even further and finally kisses him, Brian’s lips warm under his touch. The kiss is a little desperate, Brian being overwhelmed with too many feelings. Justin allows Brian to lose himself in the kiss for a moment, wanting to support him any way he can.

At last, Justin breaks the kiss, breathing deeply and letting his forehead rest on Brian’s.

Then he grabs the letter and puts it in Brian’s hand. “You need to open it,” he whispers softly, his hand covering Brian’s.

Brian moves back a little and stares at him, his eyes full of love, fear, and everything in between. Their eyes don’t leave each other’s for long seconds, until finally Brian starts to open the envelope, and takes out the letter.

Justin stays by his side and clasps his free hand as Brian starts to read the first words out loud, his voice slightly trembling.

 


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian reads Aidan's letter...

**Aidan’s POV**

_ April, 2016 _

_ Brian, _

_ I know it’s just words on a piece of paper, and it won’t erase what I’ve done. But if you’re reading this letter, it means I’m not here anymore and that I didn’t find the strength to tell you what had happened to me sooner. So, you have every right to be mad at me right now. _

_ Still, the most important part is, this is the truth. My truth, anyway, since I’m sure you won’t agree with what I’ve done. But I hope this letter will help you to understand my reasons, even if I know you might never forgive me. _

_ First of all, I’m sorry, Brian. You have no idea how sorry I am. But I’ve done what I had to. I couldn’t do anything else. I couldn’t do that to you. _

_ I love you, I always will. I hope you’ll never doubt it, even if you might never understand and forgive me. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take if it will help ensure your happiness, because ultimately that’s all that matters. _

_ I have it. Alzheimer’s. The disease that kills your essence and leaves only an empty shell on its way to stealing your soul. This fucking disease that I saw Olivia battle for more than six years. _

_ ` _

_ I have it. _

_ It’s the familial form, caused by severe defects of fucking genes; and of course, it’s the most uncommon form of the disease. Nevertheless, even though doctors say it’s unfortunate both siblings in the same family developed it, when it’s this genetic variation, it can happen. _

_ So, this is it. I’m just one unlucky man. _

_ I never told you, but when Olivia was diagnosed back in 2008, I underwent the test. However, I never found the strength to read the results. I kept them hidden for six years, unable and unwilling to discover the truth about myself. I think at the time that subconsciously I didn’t want to know, because I had this stupid idea that it could actually protect me from it. Of course, it was just me running away from my fate. _

_ The day Olivia died, I realized I needed to know. So, I left you at the hospital, and I did it. I opened the letter and read the results. _

_ And I lost it. I was alone at my sister’s place, and at that moment all I wanted was for you to take me in your arms and tell me that it wasn’t real; that everything was going to be alright. But my sister was dead, and I had the same disease that had just killed her; this disease that had dominated my life and my family’s life for six years. The same disease that had taken my sister – this amazing woman who I’d considered my best friend, and my surrogate mother during all my life - away from me and her family. God, I was such a mess that day; but deep down, I knew I couldn’t come back to you. If I had, I would have never had the force to leave you. I would have told you everything. You would have become a prisoner of this disease, too, just like I had become one to my sister’s. _

_ I couldn’t do that to you. _

_ So I went to New York to see Simon that day, unannounced, and I told him everything. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. _

_ He tried to change my mind, and convince me to come back to you. We fought for days about it. He told me I was being selfish, and that I had no right to take that choice away from you. But he didn’t know. How could he? He hadn’t seen a person he loved turn into a shell of their former self like I had. _

_ In the end, he let me stay with him, and took care of me. He accompanied me to a consultation with a specialist, and tried to be the friend I desperately needed at the time, until I felt strong enough to face you again. It took me ten days. My famous disappearance act... _

_ During those last few months together, I was so afraid that I would not be strong enough to go through with my plan. Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done. _

_ But you have to understand. I had no other choice. I knew firsthand what it felt like to watch a person you love disappear in front of your eyes, and not be able to do anything to stop it. And I know you. It would have destroyed you. You would have stayed by my side until the end. I couldn’t let you do that. Imagining you taking care of me, while watching me slowly turn into a shadow of myself, and a lifeless body; the mere thought was unbearable to me. _

_ I hate myself for breaking your heart. But I would have hated myself even more if I had put you through the slow agony of watching me die a little more with each passing day. _

_ It’s been two years now since I left you. I’ve heard you’re in love again with your first partner, and that you’re happy. And even if it hurts not to be with you, that is my biggest victory against this fucking disease. It won’t take you down with me. _

_ I can feel it, Brian. It’s beginning to invade my mind. But I’m prepared for it now. _

_ The hardest part is that doctors say I’m going to forget you. I can’t stand it. I hope they’re wrong. I know they’re wrong. How could I forget you? You’re impossible to forget. _

_ I just hope one day you will be able to forgive me. _

_ One last thing... Please, live each second of your life fully; and most importantly, don’t look back, but instead be happy, Brian. I am confident that you will be, because you were right. Justin always has been your reason to open up to love. And now, I know he always will be. _

_ Love, _

_ Aidan _

* * *

**_Present time_ **

**Brian’s POV**

When Brian says Aidan’s name out loud, having reached the end of the letter he is holding in his hand, he feels like his throat is closing up because of the tide of overwhelming emotions he can’t fight or hide. He knows Justin is sitting beside him, waiting for a reaction, but he can’t find the strength to look at him.

Instead, he stands up and walks over to slide open the balcony doors leading to the terrace, hoping that the cool, early morning air will help him get a grip on his emotions. Walking outside, the sun is shining clearly now through a cloudless horizon, its rays slowly ascending to envelop the city with warmth. As Brian places his hands on the balcony’s railing and lowers his head, however, all he can feel is the coldness of the metal under his touch.

He feels like he is living one of his worst nightmares.

Not entirely because he finally knows the truth about Aidan. Of course, it’s a truth he still has difficulties facing, even if the shock he had felt when he first heard the news is slowly fading away now. No, it’s more due to the realization that it’s one of the few times in his life when he can’t do anything at all to try and make things better. Aidan will never be able to live a long and happy life, and at that moment, it is a truth that Brian can’t accept.

Moreover, knowing that Aidan had gone through all of this alone brings a feeling of guilt so strong that Brian has difficulty breathing. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have let the man walk out of his life like he did?

“I should have been there... _ Fuck _ !” Brian raises his head and shouts loudly, wanting to punch something,  _ anything _ .

“Brian, you had no way of knowing.” Hearing Justin’s voice behind him, Brian realizes that his partner has joined him on the terrace. Turning around, he stares at him and notices that he is obviously hesitating between letting him have his space or coming closer.

Brian huffs at Justin’s comment. “No? You’re sure about that? Because from where I stand, I was just a coward afraid to confront the  _ truth _ !” He exclaims, rubbing his hand on his face in a clear sign of frustration as he starts to pace, unable to stand still.

“NO.” The forceful voice of his lover makes him stop abruptly. He turns to face him, ready to defend his point.

Justin doesn’t back down, though, commanding firmly. “Stop it right now. Even  _ you  _ must know you’re no God! How could you have known? You did nothing wrong.” He shakes his head while taking a step closer to emphasize his words.

Still, Brian doesn’t want to listen. He laughs bitterly before retorting ironically, “Yeah, right. Brian Kinney can do no wrong...”

“Brian, it wasn’t your fault, for fuck’s sake!” Justin is starting to lose patience with him, and truthfully Brian can’t blame him, but he can’t agree with him, either. In his mind, he is as much to blame as Aidan for this mess.

“You really believe that it’s not my fault he had to go through this alone?” He has to ask, because, really, how could Justin think that he isn’t to blame? Brian has to make him understand. He has to make him see what he’d really done.

“Yes! Yes, I do! How could you have known for sure that he had the same disease that his sister had? You’re a psychic now?” Justin’s voice is increasing in intensity, just as his own is.

At last Brian lashes out, letting his emotions, his anger, and his guilt take the upper hand. “How? I will  _ tell _ you how! I SHOULD have known, Justin! Do you know anyone in his right mind who lets his partner walk out of his life without any explanation? Huh? No, you don’t! Because there is no one who does that. See? I’m fucked up! I should have stopped him! And I should have tried to go after him when I realized there was a good chance that this fucking disease was the cause of his leaving me; instead, what did I do? I refused to confront the truth, Justin; I denied it could ever happen! How could I do that?” His voice is hoarse now. “I should have tried something,  _ anything _ ! He shouldn’t have had to go through this alone...”

Saying it out loud, Brian begins to understand that is the worst part of all; he wasn’t there to help Aidan, and that realization is eating him up inside.

Justin reacts immediately, finally unable to hold back. “Didn’t you listen at all? He took that chance  _ away _ from you! He didn’t want you to be by his side, because it would have been too hard for him! You can’t blame yourself for the consequences of a decision that had never been yours to make in the first place!” Justin seems to become more agitated with each one of their exchanges.

Yet, Brian still doesn’t want to listen. “It doesn’t excuse anything... Don’t you see? I should have done something! I should have gone after him...” He isn’t really speaking to Justin by now. It’s like he is talking to himself.

“Stop it...” Justin whispers, turning around to face away from Brian. He puts both hands on his ears, trying to block out Brian’s words.

Brian continues, so obsessed with his guilt and sadness that he unfortunately doesn’t realize he is going too far. “I shouldn’t have let him...”

“God damn it, Brian, shut the fuck  _ up _ !” Justin finally snaps, turning to glare at his partner with a painful stare.

The words, and more precisely the tone of Justin’s voice, bring Brian back to the present. His eyes lock on his partner, his heart constricting at the sight. He has been so focused on his own emotions that he has completely overlooked Justin’s feelings about the situation.

“Do you...Do you have any idea at all how hard this is for me? You...” Justin pauses, closing his eyes momentarily. “God, I’m sorry...” He finally rubs his neck and sighs deeply.

Staring at him, his previous guilt trip momentarily forgotten, Brian understands suddenly that he isn’t the only one who has been overwhelmed by this revelation about Aidan. They both have been deeply affected, and it’s as hard for Justin as it is for him.

Justin continues, an apologetic expression on his face. “I’m so sorry not to be strong enough for this, but...I’m not made of stone, Brian! I can’t listen to you talking about the fact that you have regrets over letting him walk out of your life... I can’t...And I... _ Fuck _ !”

“Hey...” Brian tries to stop him. He never wants Justin to think he is settling for ‘second best’ with him. This would never be true.

“I can’t believe this...I can’t believe I’m even thinking this way after having heard what he wrote you, but...if you had stayed with him...” Justin is struggling to verbalize his thoughts, looking emotionally exhausted.

Brian hears the unspoken words perfectly, however.  _ It would have meant we wouldn’t have found our way back to each other again. _

“Justin...” Brian tries again, but Justin is looking away from him, as if he is ashamed of his reaction.

Sure enough, Justin adds, “Fuck, what’s wrong with me? How can I...?”

_ That’s enough _ .

“Justin! Look at me...” Brian states firmly, crossing the distance between them to gently but firmly turn him around and grip his chin to force his lover to react to his touch.

Their eyes lock for a moment, and Brian finally takes him in his arms before whispering in his ear, his voice thick with emotion, “I’m in love with YOU _.”  _ He hopes with all his heart that Justin can hear the sincerity and the truth in his words.

Stepping back, he puts his hands on Justin’s face and lets his eyes speak for him before saying softly, _ “ _ You’re the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. You’re the man I want to see every day next to me when I wake up. I want to share everything with you.”

Resting his forehead against Justin’s, he explains, “There is no turning back... Aidan was right about that. You’re the reason, my chance for love...”

He finally takes him in his arms again, hugging him tightly before concluding in a soft whisper, “I love you.”

Justin squeezes him harder in response, burying his head in Brian’s chest; they stay like that, standing still in the cold, morning air for several seconds.

Finally, Brian releases him without breaking their connection, his hands resting on Justin’s neck, and his partner’s hands still on his hips. 

He has to reveal one more thing, hoping that Justin will understand that his next statement has nothing to do with their love for each other. “That doesn’t mean, though, that I can accept the fact that Aidan took the chance away from me to help him deal with what he was going through. He should have told me.” The words are delivered with a soft stare; Brian only begins to breathe more freely when he recognizes understanding and acceptance in Justin’s gaze.

Justin surprises him once more with his next words. “You realize you’re the biggest hypocrite on this planet...” he whispers, and if not for the seriousness of the situation, Brian might think he is teasing him. Yet, his partner knows him too well, because the truth is, he isn’t sure he wouldn’t have done the same thing in Aidan’s situation.

Still, he hopes he is wrong, because he understands now that deciding alone, as altruistic as it can be, is actually the most selfish choice you can make. Denying the persons who love you the ability to choose is not the right solution, because love is about giving, trust, and supporting each other through good times and bad. It’s not a fairy-tale; it’s much more powerful than that.

Brian concedes, “Yeah, I know...But that doesn’t change anything. He should have let me in, and...I’m not sure I can forgive him for that; I don’t know if I can forgive myself for letting him go so easily...”

That’s the absolute truth. Ultimately, it all comes back to that.

“You have to forgive him, Brian.” Justin gazes up at him. “There is no other way...” Then, he puts his right hand on Brian’s cheek momentarily and adds, “Don’t let this fucking disease win. Aidan would have hated that.”

Deep down, Brian knows Justin is right. Holding onto his anger, guilt and sadness will not bring Aidan back to the way he was before. He has to accept that. He just don’t know if he can. Still, he is surprised to hear his partner defend Aidan. “How can you be so supportive of his actions? I mean, you’ve just told me that it wasn’t easy for you, and...”

Justin cuts him off. “And you’re right, I’d be lying if I said it’s easy to know that you’ve shared this kind of connection with someone else; the truth is, it’s fucking hard...”

Justin looks away briefly before locking his eyes on Brian once more. “But his love for you is something we have in common; something I can relate to...” His stare doesn’t alter at all this time, showing how true his words are and how deep his feelings run. “And I know if you don’t forgive him – and yourself – it will haunt you. I  _ know _ you.”

Brian is overwhelmed by how much his partner is willing to fight for him, and how he is able to understand and accept Aidan’s love for him, despite everything they’ve been through. He doesn’t know if he could love him any more than he does at this instant, as a surge of pure love rushes into his heart, making it pound impossibly fast.

Consequently, he does the only thing he can think of at that moment. He claims him in a hard and powerful kiss, the passion overtaking them quickly. Brian desperately needs a physical connection with his partner, a way to reassure himself that they are in this together, ready to face whatever is coming.

He needs to feel alive.

Soon, they make their way inside, clothes hitting the floor on their way to the bedroom, their mouths never leaving one another except to take off their shirts. Their moves are kind of desperate, their breathing becoming ragged and shallow.

A few seconds later, both men are lying naked in their bed, Brian’s body covering Justin’s; caressing each other tenderly and losing themselves in each other’s touch. Their lips roam all over each other’s intertwined bodies, their hard cocks brushing and rubbing, eliciting delicious sensations that invade their very core. Eventually Brian reaches out blindly for lube and a condom from the near bedside table and breaks their kiss as he starts instead to lick and suck the skin on his way to Justin’s cock.

The heat of their bodies is intense, and soon Brian is blowing Justin slowly, eliciting soft moans from his partner; he finally looks up, still softly sucking his lover, hypnotized by his partner’s beauty and the expression on his face.  He can tell that Justin is lost in the pleasure that he is feeling. Not able to keep going any longer for fear he will be consumed by his own desire and lose control too soon, Brian stops what he is doing and opens the condom to put in on his cock before guiding his lubed fingers to Justin’s entrance. A few seconds later, he knows he can’t hold back anymore.  He positions himself properly before placing his hands down on either side of his lover to support his body, Justin crossing his ankles at his lower back and his hands gripping Brian’s ass cheeks.

At this moment, nobody exists but them. As their eyes lock, Brian pushes into the tight and soft tunnel and almost cries out, lowering his head and closing his eyes tightly; the connection, the lust, the pleasure, everything is suddenly too overpowering.

When Brian opens his eyes again and starts to move slowly at first, then harder, deeper, Justin’s gaze doesn’t leave him. This is too good. Almost too good to be true.

And yet...

They are touching everywhere again, Brian’s body covering Justin once more, while he pounds hard into him, their breathing, kisses and moves overwhelming and reflecting their passion and love for each other. Their climaxes come too soon, but it’s inevitable. Having been separated for the last two months, along with the emotional roller-coaster ride from these past few hours, is enough to greatly intensify their need for each other impossibly further. And when they reach the point of no return, they do it at the same time, Justin feeling an intense and indescribable pleasure inside of him that overtakes everything, his clenching ass sending Brian over the edge along with him as his partner cries out loudly, his cock buried deep inside his lover’s ass.

* * *

They won’t leave the bed for a long time that day.

Thus, Brian doesn’t witness the beautiful, little bird which is once again perched on the edges of the terrace, hopping and moving his head endlessly like the day before.

Yet, he hears its beautiful song from afar, like a gentle caress, just before succumbing to sleep with his lover tightly wrapped in his arms.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gus visits his dad and Brian decides to ask for some answers...

**_Several hours later…_ **

**Gus’s POV**

It’s Saturday afternoon, and Gus is enjoying an unusually warm, March day in the Big Apple as he walks along the bustling sidewalk. Spring is fast approaching, and everything is so vibrant here – the budding leaves on the trees, the deep, blue sky. The young man embraces it all and smiles.

Life has been great lately. Gus is now a proud employee of ‘Johnson and Bloom,’ a renowned agency situated on Fifth Avenue that specializes in recruiting job candidates for their clients; he is slowly but surely gaining his place in the firm, and making a name for himself.

His personal life is going well, also. He has been in a relationship with Sarah for nine years now, and even if many people had thought at the time that they were too young to make it last, they have proven the naysayers wrong. They moved in together a few years back, and are envisioning a marriage soon.

Of course, his dad had teased him about that when Gus had confided in him a few weeks ago. It’s no secret his father had never been the most fervent supporter of marriage, and Gus hadn’t understood that for a long time, not until his dad had explained to him where he had come from and what his parents had been like. Not that his dad had gone into a lot of details about it, but Gus has always been very perceptive. He knows his father all too well.

However, Brian had hugged him tightly that day, whispering to him how proud he was to have a son like him. Every time Gus hears such praise coming from his father’s mouth, he feels like a little boy all over again.

Brian and Justin are a very important part of his life. After having moved to New York, Gus has grown closer to both his father and especially Justin, and he couldn’t be happier about it _.  _ His dad and his partner hold a special place in his heart.

He is heading to their place now. After speaking on the phone earlier today with his mother, he had discovered that his father was still alone; Justin had been delayed in Pittsburgh because of a situation regarding his sister’s pregnancy. Gus suspected that his father was feeling lonely without his partner by his side. Therefore, he wanted to offer his support, and spend some quality time with him at the same time.

Knocking on the front door of the penthouse a few minutes later, he hesitates to use the spare key he always has with him.  He begins to dig into his pants pocket for it, only to stop when he hears a noise coming from the other side of the door, telling him that the key won’t be needed. The door swings open then, and his father is standing in front of him, a surprised look on his face that is quickly replaced by a soft gaze. Yet, Gus can’t help but notice that his father seems exhausted and...sad?

“Hey,” Brian greets him, smiling, as he opens the door wider in a silent invitation for his son to come in.

Gus walks in and turns around to look at his father as he closes the door behind him and heads toward the spacious kitchen adjacent to the living room. Gus quietly follows him, observing him silently and noticing dark circles under his eyes. His father is wearing a pair of sweatpants and a white shirt, which – considering it’s already 1:00 in the afternoon – is not a normal occurrence for him. A little worried now, Gus can’t help but ask, “Are you okay?”

His father responds with a sound halfway between a snort and a chuckle as he pours some water into the coffeemaker and turns it on, heightening Gus’s weird feeling about his dad’s state of mind. Something must have happened that he isn’t aware of.

Brian finally turns to look at him, putting two mugs on the counter before answering, “Don’t I look fabulous as always?”

“You seem tired or something...” Gus states, waiting to see if his father is going to confide in him or not.

Brian turns back around to grab some orange juice in the fridge along with a glass, but Gus can hear him chuckling bitterly this time. He studies his dad as he faces him to reply, “Tired? Sonny Boy, are you trying to say I’m getting old? Because if you are, I’m going to kick your ass...” His father is joking with him, but something is definitely off here. He isn’t fooled.

“Dad...”

“What?” Brian retorts a little too forcefully.

“I know Justin is in Pittsburgh, and...” He begins, but Brian cuts him off before he is even able to finish his sentence.

“Justin is here,” he announces, shaking his head as if he is uncomfortable or something.

“What?” Now, Gus is surprised. What is Justin doing here? “What happened?” Justin wouldn’t be here if not for his father asking for him to come home early. And he never asks people to change their plans for him. So what was this all about?

Brian doesn’t respond. However, the mere fact that he doesn’t try to mask his concern with a teasing remark only serves to worry Gus even more. Consequently, he insists, “Dad! Come on, talk to me...”

Brian clears his throat, obviously confirming by his silence that something did happen, but he still hesitates to open up to Gus about it. Finally, he sighs, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again. He leans his forearms on the counter, idly fiddling with the empty cup in front of him. Seeing how upset his father apparently is for some unknown reason, Gus desperately wants to reach out and hug him, but he refrains from doing that. 

At last, Brian gazes up to look at his son. “I...You remember Aidan, right?”

Gus frowns. Aidan is a name he hasn’t heard in a long time. He had been so young when his father had been involved with him. It almost feels like another life. Still, he knows Aidan had been important to his father, and Gus himself has a few fond memories of the man, even if it’s been a long time now. “Of course I remember him. Why do you ask?”

Brian takes a deep breath before revealing, “Last night I learned what happened to make him leave several years ago…He’s been sick, and…”  He let out a deep breath he wasn’t even aware he had been holding before he explained, “It was a big shock, so I called Justin. That’s why he’s here.”

Shaking his head, Gus asks, “What do you mean, he’s been sick...?”

All he receives in response is a stare. His father’s mask is firmly back in place by now, but Gus sees how hard it is for his dad to speak about it anyway. Moreover, he understands that even if Aidan is not a part of his life any longer, his father must still care for the man.

“Fuck, Dad...I’m sorry. Can I do anything?”

Brian nods. “Actually, you can. Keep your mouth shut. Not a word to your mothers. Or to Debbie. Or Michael. In fact, don’t talk to anybody about it.” He waits for his son to nod in agreement before he grabs the coffee pot and pours some of its contents into the two cups resting on the kitchen counter.

“Okay.”

The coffee pot still in his right hand, Brian peers over at him with a steely look and adds, “I mean it.”

“I understand,” Gus replies a little more forcefully before taking one of the two cups and blowing at the hot steam filling the air.

“Good.” His father nods, filling the remaining mug with two packets of sugar. Then he pinches his lips and tries not so subtly to change the subject of their conversation. “Now, tell me about you. How is Sarah? Have you proposed yet?”

Of course, this is the moment that Justin chooses to join them. Gus hears his voice before seeing him. “Proposed?”

Gus tilts his head, looking at his father in a sort of ‘ _ you did that on purpose, right _ ?’ silent admonition.

Brian just smirks and quips, “Oops...”

Gus turns around just as Justin arrives by his side, a huge smile on his face.

Gus smiles back, happy to see the man he implicitly considers another father now, and folds Justin into a big hug. Stepping back, he greets him properly. “Hi, Justin.”

“Hi, Gus. It’s good to see you.” Justin squeezes his upper arms to emphasize his words, still smiling.

“You, too.”

Justin gazes at Brian in a silent question as Gus reveals, “Dad told me what happened last night.”

Justin nods, and walks over toward his partner, retrieving a mug from the cabinet above the counter. Gus observes him grabbing his dad’s hand briefly in an obvious sigh of support as they share a soft and meaningful gaze. He is once more touched by these little gestures between the two men, because it shows him that even after all this time, they are always there for each other. In fact, Justin’s presence today is proof once more of how deep their feelings run.

While placing the mug on the kitchen counter and pouring some coffee in it, Justin addresses Brian in a low voice. “You’ve thought about what you’re going to do now?”

Brian takes a sip of his own coffee before responding. “I think I’m going to call Simon...” Then, as an afterthought, he looks up at Justin and adds, “...if you agree.”

Justin frowns. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Brian shrugs, slightly tilting his head while looking at an invisible spot on the counter. “No special reason.”

Justin stares at his partner for a few seconds before grabbing his arm gently, forcing Brian to look at him. “Brian...I will support you, whatever you decide, you know that. We’re in this together.”

Gus feels like an intruder now. It’s not the first time he has witnessed how much his dad and Justin love and support each other, but every time it’s as if there is no one in the room except them. It’s like they block out everything else that surrounds them when they share this level of intimacy. It’s not even the words that are exchanged between them that make observers feel like they aren’t even there anymore.

It’s in their gaze for each other. For that instant, nobody exists but them.

Gus often muses about love. He has been with his girlfriend for nine years now, and he couldn’t imagine a life without Sarah in it. She is his everything, and he wakes up every day knowing how lucky he is and how whole he feels with her in his life.

His dad and Justin are a perfect example of the kind of long-term relationship Gus wants to build for him and Sarah. Knowing that Justin had initially fallen in love with his father when he was seventeen, it’s beautiful to know that they have persevered nearly twenty-five years later, despite their ups and downs and the ordeals both men have had to endure. It gives him hope that he can have the same type of life with Sarah.

“Gus, can you excuse us for a second?” His father’s words bring him back to reality. Gus had been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hadn’t noticed he had zoned out. Nevertheless, it’s obvious the two men need some privacy, no doubt to deal with some private matters regarding the news his father had received.

“I’m leaving anyway; Sarah is waiting for me.” It’s a lie, as Gus had planned to stay with his dad all afternoon; but now that he knows that Justin is here to help him, he realizes he is no longer needed.

Heading toward the door, Gus stops when he hears his father calling for him. Turning around with a questioning look on his face, he watches his father approaching him before he finally stops a few feet away from him, gazing at him with a soft stare and a little smile playing on his lips.

Silently Brian engulfs him with a firm hug as Gus feels a tightening in his chest.

Finally, his dad whispers in his ear, “Thanks...You didn’t have to come today,” before releasing him, saying with his eyes how grateful he is for his son’s visit, and that he appreciates his concern.

Gus smiles then before peering over at Justin, who is standing a few feet away from his father. Finally, he returns his gaze back to his father as he tells him, “Take care of yourself, okay? And if you need anything...”

Brian nods, putting his arm around his son’s shoulder as the young man turns to walk out of the apartment.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

**_7:00 p.m., Brian and Justin’s place_ **

There is a knock at the door.

Earlier today, Brian had called Simon and had asked him to come to the penthouse. After the last twenty-four-hour rollercoaster, he is feeling a little calmer. Justin’s presence has helped to put his thoughts in order, and now that the shock he had initially felt is fading away, he is ready to hear what had really happened to Aidan during all these years – with Justin by his side.

He isn’t sure, though, that inviting Simon Atkins here is a good idea. The man is very protective of Aidan, and he had felt some kind of animosity the night before, almost as if Aidan’s childhood friend was blaming him somehow for his ability to have a fulfilling life after his former partner had left. Of course, Brian knows if it’s true, it’s more of an uncontrollable feeling than anything else. Knowing that one of your closest friends has had to deal with hell, while his clueless, former partner has moved on with his life, must definitely be a hard pill to swallow, even if it was his friend’s choice to begin with.

Brian goes to open the door while Justin takes out three glasses, places them on the kitchen counter, and pours some scotch into two of them.

“Simon...” The man is standing before Brian, wearing a long, elegant coat and a silk scarf around his neck. His curly, grey hair is a little damp, no doubt because of the light drizzle which had been falling down upon the city for the past hour now, the sun having disappeared around mid-afternoon.

“Brian...” The man responds in a low tone of voice before entering the room. Brian lets him walk in before closing the door. He offers to take his coat and his scarf, placing them in the entrance’s closet, before leading Simon in the direction of the living room.

On their way, they pass the opened kitchen, allowing Justin to join them. Brian uses the opportunity to introduce the two men to each other. “Justin, this is Simon Atkins. Simon, this is my partner, Justin Taylor.”

“Nice to meet you,” Justin greets the man with a smile, offering his hand. Brian grins inwardly; his partner has always been a perfect WASP.

“Likewise,” Simon replies, his face closed-off, yet accepting Justin’s hand and shaking it. Brian wants to snort, but he restrains himself.

“Would you like a drink or anything to eat?” Justin offers, looking at Brian in a silent question. Brian nods imperceptibly while gesturing for Simon to take a seat on the couch.

“I could use a drink, yes,” Simon answers politely; still, he doesn’t move.

“Is scotch okay?” Justin inquires.

“It is.” Simon nods.

“Please, have a seat,” Brian insists; he can’t help but release a breath when Simon finally agrees to sit down. He joins him, choosing one of the two adjacent chairs at the other side of the coffee table. The silence that follows is an uncomfortable one.

Justin comes back from the kitchen, carrying a tray with their drinks, and gives a glass to Simon and to Brian before taking a seat in the remaining chair by his partner’s side.

Looking at the drink in his hands, Simon is the first to break the deafening silence which has fallen upon them. “You have some questions.” He gazes up and looks straight at Brian.

“I have,” Brian replies firmly.

Simon nods. “Okay. I know Aidan must have explained to you what happened to him in the letter I gave you. But I imagine you want to know what has happened to him since then...”

Brian manages an insincere smile. “You assume right.”

Simon doesn’t seem to notice Brian’s strange mood. Or if he does, he ignores it.

Yet, there is one thing Simon wants to clarify before beginning his tale. “Does your partner wants to hear it as well?” There is a hint of accusation in his voice.

Brian reacts immediately by grabbing Justin’s hand, his gaze never leaving Simon. “Justin is not leaving.” He feels Justin squeeze his hand in response and looks up briefly at him, his eyes softening under his partner’s touch.

Simon retorts, “I didn’t say that.”

Brian looks back at Simon. “Good. So you can go ahead now. And start at the beginning.”

Simon snorts. “Straight to the point, huh?”

Brian raises his eyebrows. “There’s never any point in beating around the bush.”

Simon half-smirks. “Aidan always said you were an honest, no-bullshit kind of man.”

Brian pinches his lips, preventing a grim smile from appearing on his face as his eyes bore into Simon’s. “Yeah. That’s me. I’m so fabulous. Can we proceed now?”

“Brian...” Justin calls over to him softly, rubbing his thumb on his hand as a reminder that Simon is not the enemy here.

Simon’s eyes travel from Brian to Justin, and then back to Brian before he finally starts to speak. “Okay. So, it all started the day Aidan showed up at my place, unannounced, looking completely lost and shattered. Remember that day?”

Brian nods. “The day Olivia died. Aidan read the results of his genetic test.”

Simon sighs. “Yeah. He was standing in my doorway, looking... devastated or something, and he just said. ‘ _ I have it _ .’” The man lowers his head and takes a deep breath.

At this moment, it’s obvious that he is reliving the instant when everything changed. “It took me about twenty seconds to understand what he was talking about. Don’t ask me why, though. I can’t explain it. I just knew.”

Simon is becoming agitated, undoubtedly because of the unwelcome memories he still carries with him. He doesn’t seem to be able to focus his gaze. “Then he said, ‘ _ she’s dead _ ’ and after that...Well, let’s just say it wasn’t the best moment of my life.”

Simon seems lost in thought before he finally looks back at Brian. “You have to understand, Aidan and I had been friends since childhood, and I know we weren’t close anymore at that point, but I still loved him like a brother. That day, his words felt like one of the most powerful slaps I had ever received.”

Brian can see then that Simon is sincere, and that he had been truly distraught by Aidan’s announcement. For a second, he tries to imagine Michael coming to see him with some distressing news about his health. He doesn’t know how he would react, but one thing is sure, it would hurt him deeply. It wouldn’t matter if they were in a good place in their relationship or not. True friendship doesn’t care about disputes or estrangement; that’s how you recognize genuine friends. They are always there for each other when they are truly needed.

Nevertheless, Brian has no time to dwell about the notion of friendship, because Simon hasn’t finished. It’s like the man  _ needs _ to explain what has happened, as if it might help him deal with this wound in his life. “I tried to make him listen to reason, and return to you. Imagining him going through this without the man he loved was inconceivable to me. But he didn’t want to hear it. He kept saying that he couldn’t do that to you. He couldn’t ‘ _ put you in a prison along with him, and make you watch him die a little more everyday _ ’.”

Brian looks pointedly at Simon as Aidan’s friend clarifies, “His words, not mine.”

Brian shakes his head. The more he hears what happened, the more he feels his emotions coming back to the surface. “Why didn’t you call me, then? You knew he was making the worst decision of his life, right? You could have done something...” Brian maintains, gesturing with his hands and breaking the physical connection he still had with Justin.

Simon disagrees, his eyes boring into Brian’s. “That’s where you’re wrong. It wasn’t my decision to make, and it sure wasn’t yours. It was  _ his _ .”

Brian doesn’t bulge. “It was selfish. He should have told me.”

“Maybe you’re right. But ultimately, it doesn’t matter at all...”

That makes Brian want to jump out of his chair, but he doesn’t. Not yet, anyway. “How can you say that?”

“What matters is that he did it because he loved you. More than his own life,” Simon proclaims, looking briefly at Justin to gauge his reaction before he peers back at Brian and shakes his head. “Do you have any idea at all how hard it was for him to let you go? He would have done anything for you.”

“We know.” The voice of his partner permeates Brian’s brain. He looks at Justin, who reminds him softly, “He came to see me in Paris, remember?”

“He did?” Simon questions, hearing the confidence in Justin’s voice. The man apparently hadn’t been aware of that fact before.

Justin nods at Aidan’s friend and lets his hand rest on Brian’s thigh momentarily, supporting his partner.

“Well, I’m not surprised,” Simon shares. He rises and goes to stand in front of the closest window. Brian doesn’t know why, but he is pretty sure he isn’t going to like what is coming next. He doesn’t have to wait for long.

A few moments later Simon turns around. His voice fills the air like an unwelcome friend. “Do you know when I clearly understood how much he loved you? It was when he consulted a specialist a few days later; he was able to be seen quickly thanks to one of my relatives intervening for him. I was with him when the doctor explained what was going to happen; not that Aidan didn’t already know, but I think it was at that moment that he really realized the true horror of what was about to happen...He understood that he would eventually forget you…and he lost it completely. If I’d had any doubts before about the depth of his feelings for you, they would have been completely gone by then. He loved you so much. The mere thought of forgetting you even existed was like someone had stabbed him in the heart.”

Brian feels a sense of suffocation slowly beginning to invade his body.

Simon continues, however, unaware of Brian’s inner battle. “So, really, you can’t stay mad at him. You can’t...focus on the fact that he didn’t leave you a choice to be there for him. Because he loved you, Brian. His action was proof of his love for you. I don’t know many men who could have had the courage he showed in letting you go. Besides, how could you be mad at him, considering your situation now? You have a partner. You have a life, a family, memories. He has nothing anymore.”

“Enough.” It’s just a word. But it’s all that Brian can say now. He needs to find a way to breathe again. The world is just too small at the moment.

“That is the truth,” Simon insists.

Brian hears the words. He just can’t deal with them right now. He stands up, his gaze averted downward. “I need a break. Just...” He doesn’t say anymore as he quickly walks out of the room.

He hears his partner behind him mumbling an “Excuse me” at Simon just as he enters their bedroom, which is plunged into darkness.

“Hey...” Justin’s voice sounds softly behind him, and a second later he feels his partner’s hands on his shoulders.

Brian turns around to ask, “How can I...?”

“How can you  _ what _ ?” Justin inquires gently, his arms sliding around Brian’s waist as the older man automatically places his own on Justin’s shoulders.

Brian sighs, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Justin’s. “I don’t know how to deal with this. It’s not fair. He...”

“Brian...” Justin’s hand is on his cheek now. “I know it’s hard to let this go. But you have to.”

“ _ How _ ?”

Justin steps back just enough to look him in the eyes. “Do it for him. For  _ both _ of you.”

Brian’s heart is tightening without his consent. “I loved him, Justin,” he whispers, lost in his own emotions.

“I know,” Justin whispers back. “That’s why you are going to forgive him. And yourself. Because of what you were to each other. What you still are.”

The words reach something inside Brian. He can’t explain how Justin makes him feel what he does, how he can assuage all his grief with his support and his love; but as he tries to figure out how to tell Justin all the emotions that are swirling around inside him, Brian knows one thing with perfect clarity.

“God, I love you...” is all he manages to say; but Justin’s smile is the most beautiful response he could hope for.

“I love you, too.” Words are unnecessary at that point, and yet, they feel like a balm to Brian’s pain.

 


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Simon's POV. More revelations are coming, making Brian reach a decision.

**Simon’s POV**

Simon is standing alone in front of the window in Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor’s apartment, thinking about the  _ reason _ why he is here tonight; the reason why these two men who just left him here are together in the first place. Or at least Simon feels that way.

Because of how well he knows Aidan, Simon wasn’t surprised at all to discover that his childhood friend had gone to see Justin in Paris, but at the same time he will never understand why he acts the way he does; nor will he ever completely understand his ability to protect the people he loves. Or more accurately, loved, past tense.

Fucking disease.

Simon doesn’t know how he feels about Brian Kinney. One thing is certain, though – his partner, Justin Taylor, is a beautiful man for putting up with this kind of event. Their love for each other must be the real thing.

Aidan would be happy.

“Okay; tell me what happened after he left.”

Simon is startled for a second. He didn’t hear Brian approaching and the man’s voice surprises him. He hadn’t even been sure that he wouldn’t be dismissed after his little speech earlier about Aidan’s love for his former partner.

Looking at him – the man is standing by his side, peering through the windows at the rainy night - Simon realizes that Brian is by himself. Justin must have stayed in another room in order for them to deal with the matter at hand privately. In fact, Simon is grateful for that, because speaking about Aidan in front of Brian’s current partner is not necessarily easy for him. It makes him feel like he is invading their personal life, uninvited - especially in this home they share together.

“I’m going to. But before I do, I want you to tell me that you will try to forgive Aidan, even if you don’t agree with what he’s done.” Simon needs for this man to let go of his anger and pride, for Aidan’s sake. He knows Brian must feel guilty – that would explain his inability to accept Aidan’s decision – but this knowledge can’t stop Simon from being a little too overprotective regarding his friend. He always has been, especially since the diagnosis.

Brian’s reaction doesn’t disappoint him, though; his facial features reveal nothing but an indecipherable mask at the moment as he responds, “Why do you need for me to say that? You don’t even know me. For what it’s worth, I could tell you what you want to hear while lying to your face.”

“You could. But you won’t,” Simon replies with certainty. “Aidan has spoken to me about you a lot, you know. In a way, I feel like I know you already.”

It’s true Aidan had told him a lot about his time with Brian. His childhood friend loved him so much. Furthermore, they used to talk for hours when they were younger, and Simon really misses their friendship. It makes him feel even shittier for having let time and pride come between them during those years when Aidan was involved with Brian. Yet, he can’t change the past, unfortunately.

“I miss him,” Simon can’t help but share; he feels that Brian, above all others, can relate to what he is saying. After all, he had been Aidan’s partner for five years. If a man knows his friend as well as he does, besides Noah, it would be Brian.

“I miss him, too,” Brian opens up in a low voice. Sighing, he visibly lets his guard down a little as he confides, “I might have difficulty accepting what he did, and the fact that he decided to keep it a secret and deal with it on his own; but I believe that he did it...” Brian’s gaze finds Simon’s eyes, before adding softly, “...because he...loved me.” Then, Brian pinches his lips and refocuses his gaze on the outside scenery. “I know I can’t stay mad at him. I...” Brian swallows. “Just thinking about what he must have felt and gone through makes me fucking sick...” Simon can hear a catch in his voice, revealing how hard this is for him to talk about his feelings.

Aidan’s friend nods in agreement and huffs, replying, “It seems we have something in common after all.” Actually, Simon realizes that Brian is a sincere man, and that one of the things that seems to be the most difficult for him to do is believing someone would sacrifice so much because of his love for him. It’s like the man has trouble accepting he could be treasured that much.

It’s quite ironic if you think about it. Indeed, Simon had witnessed earlier how much love there is between him and Justin. The younger man seems ready to support him no matter what they are facing.

“You’re a lucky man,” Simon muses out loud.

“What?” Brian frowns, looking over at his companion.

“Aidan...and Justin...They would do anything for you,” Simon states, his gaze on Brian’s face. The man just stares back at him in response. “I saw the way your partner supports you. He must be a wonderful man to help you like he does. It can’t be easy for him.”

Brian’s gaze softens and he lowers his head, not really looking at anything in particular. “It’s not. I’m very lucky to have him in my life.”

Simon keeps looking at Brian, anticipating his reaction to his next words. “Aidan was happy for you, you know? When he learned that you were back with your first love.”

Brian raises his eyebrows slightly, his gaze still lost in his own world. “He was?”

“Yes...” Simon remembers the day Aidan had told him this particular news, thanks to a P.I. he had hired to keep an eye on Brian from afar. The tone of his voice had been pensive - wistful yet peaceful, as if the knowledge that Brian was moving on with his life could give him the strength to face whatever was coming for him.

Brian sighs as he finally gazes up. “Can you tell me what happened after Aidan left Pittsburgh?”

Simon breaks eye contact. Speaking about that particular time is hard for him, especially the part where it all went to hell. He isn’t going to tell Brian about the nights of despair, the screams and the disappearance. Those years after Aidan came back from his trip with Noah had been like a never-ending, bittersweet nightmare. A slow sliding into nothingness for Aidan, and an agonizingly helpless ride for him and Noah. There were good moments at the beginning, though, and Simon also had fond memories of that time. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to last.

Releasing a breath, Simon starts to share some chosen parts of those years. “Well, at first, Aidan and Noah took off to Africa for a while. Then Asia, Europe, South America...They travelled all around the world for about twenty months.” Simon pauses, before adding as a way of explaining Aidan’s decision to take off with his nephew, “Aidan needed to leave it all behind, and he wanted to share with Noah everything he could before he wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.”

Brian doesn’t move, nor does he comment about what he’s just heard. Simon continues, “I saw them five times during that time, in Europe and South Africa. Aidan was...better, more at peace, but...not really himself, either...” Simon tilts his head, peering at Brian through their reflection in the window, as he nods imperceptibly. “The truth is, leaving you had changed him. To this day, I don’t know how he managed to carry out his plan without telling you what was happening to him. I guess that’s why he took that last assignment in Africa before leaving you for good. Being with you, but not being able to confide in you, was just too hard in the end.”

Brian blinks, understanding reflecting in his eyes as he asks, “Did he really  **go** to Africa that time?”

“Yes. Those missions, the people he met and the things he witnessed especially in those underdeveloped countries; I think that’s what helped him not to lose it. He always has been fascinated with those cultures, don’t ask me why; but it was his life for a long time after all. Those people - who were virtual strangers to him for the most part – helped him to forget for a moment about his own predicament. Also, it appears he used that period to take care of certain things, if his visit to your partner during that time is any indication. I guess he wanted to see if Justin would come back to you in case past feelings were still there, knowing that a lot of years had gone since you’d seen each other. ”

“He told me about you and Justin, this teenager that had succeeded in making you fall in love for the first time in your life. He genuinely wanted for you to reconnect with him, because he truly believed that you still had a chance together. And that way, you would not be alone after he left you.” Simon breathes deeply. Aidan had really surpassed himself here. Why did his best friend have to be one of the only men on Earth who could do that in the name of love? It truly didn’t make any sense to him. Or at least, Simon had hoped until the end that the outcome would be different for Aidan, even if there was objectively no chance it would happen.

“Fuck; he really was a stupid man...” Simon can’t help but quip fondly, causing a small smile to furtively appear on Brian’s face.

Brian tries to process what he is hearing before continuing, “So, he travelled for twenty months with Noah before coming back to the States?”

“Yes,” Simon confirms, before reaching the essential part of his tale. “When they came back, the disease was slowly emerging. It was subtle at first...But for Noah, who had witnessed his mother fighting it for a long time, it was unmistakable.”

Brian frowns. “Aidan didn’t tell him?”

Simon shrugs. “I’m not sure. Noah doesn’t talk about it much. The only thing I know is that when they left and when I saw them later that year, Noah didn’t have a clue. But he knew when they came back.”

“What about Samuel, Claire?” Brian inquires.

“They...they’ve not seen Aidan much these past few years. I think it was too hard for them to relive it one more time.”

Samuel and Claire hadn’t come to see Aidan a lot once he and Noah had returned from their world trip. The news of his disease had severed the bond they’d shared in the past, and Aidan had not blamed them at all.

But Simon had. He couldn’t understand how his own family could not support Aidan in his day-to-day life, and how they could leave him alone to deal with his predicament. Wasn’t family supposed to be there for each other?

Noah had been the only member of Aidan’s family to stay by his side. The truth is, the bond between nephew and uncle had always been a strong one, and their shared trip had brought them even closer. Simon had helped Aidan and Noah the best he could, and the two men had shared Aidan’s everyday life until he moved into the Sundale Institution. Now, they still go and see him every other day. Neither Noah, nor he, would change anything about their decision to stay by his side.

However, now that the years have passed and the disease has overtaken Aidan’s very essence of who he was, Simon can’t blame Samuel and Claire anymore. Looking at a loved one’s slow disappearance had been too much for them. Doing it twice would have been too hard, reminding them once again of what they had lost because of this disease. It might be selfish – kind of – but at the same time, it’s human not to be strong enough.

So finally Simon confides, “At first, I used to be so angry with Samuel and Claire for staying away. But now that I’ve seen for myself what Aidan is going through, I don’t even have the inclination to blame them anymore. And, while they stayed away most of the time, Noah didn’t. He has stayed by his uncle’s side all these years. The bond that links them together is a very strong one.”

“You stayed, too...” Brian points out, obviously grateful for the gesture.

Nodding in agreement, Simon whispers, “To me, there was never a choice to begin with. He’s my friend.” Looking at Brian, he understands that somehow the man can relate to what he’s sharing with him: that friendship is one of the most important things in a man’s life.

“What happened after their return?”

“It was a slow progression. Aidan went to live in Harrisburg with Noah for a while; but soon, it became too complicated. So, Aidan moved in with me in New York then, allowing Noah to concentrate a little more on his own life.” In front of Brian’s questioning stare, Simon clarifies, “I’m rich, Brian. I’ve lived in a world of fame and glitter for a long time. I even have assistants who have their own assistants, if you know what I mean. I could afford to take some time off; so I did.”

Staring out the window again, Simon momentarily remembers that time. “I’ve had some help. Noah, of course, but also professional caregivers... But then, you know Aidan like I do; he made me promise that when things became too difficult to handle, I would arrange for him to move into a specialized institution. I’ve kept my promise. He’s been at the Sundale institution for two years now.”

After those last words, Simon and Brian remain silent, side by side. The stillness is like a quiet, temporary reprieve.

Brian is the first to speak again, his words cutting the silence like a sharp blade. “Is he...? Does he remember  _ anything _ ?” His voice barely betrays his inner emotions, but Simon hears the quiver nonetheless.

Simon’s stare falters imperceptibly. He peers over at Brian and tries to soften the blow he’s sure the man is going to receive by answering with a low whisper, “No.” He gazes back into the darkness. “His mind is...gone. And his body...The disease has done a lot of damage.” His eyes catch Brian’s look through the window before he reveals, “He doesn’t have a lot of time left.”

Brian doesn’t flinch, but Simon sees him swallowing, his gaze altering surreptitiously as his breath seems a little more difficult somehow.

Simon realizes that this is hard for Brian. It’s the first time since they have begun to share this discussion that Simon understands it’s almost unbearable for him to hear the words. The truth about his former lover is hurting him deeply.

Simon is feeling sorry, but at the same time he is glad to see that this man seems to have sincerely loved his friend. It reassures him that Aidan was indeed right about his lover. And it also pushes him to share one more thing.

“You should go see him.” Simon is convinced that Brian needs to see Aidan one last time. Even if Aidan will not recognize him or even acknowledge his presence at all, it could bring Brian some closure.

But the man just shakes his head. “I don’t know if I can...”  Brian gazes up, breathing deeply, his eyes showing nothing but controlled emotions, as if he is trying hard to not let his pain take the upper hand. Then Brian lowers his head, clearing his throat. “All these years, I’ve hoped that he was happy somewhere. And yet, I knew he wasn’t. I’ve always known. I can’t explain how, but...” He stops.

A few seconds elapse before his voice starts to fill the air again. “I have always hidden the truth deep inside me and forced myself to believe it couldn’t be real, because it was...it was easier. The mere idea that  _ this  _ might happen to him was just unbearable...” Brian passes his hand through his hair, in an obviously nervous gesture. “Fuck...”  He then rubs his hand over his face before concluding, “I think it was the only way for me to keep going at the time. To keep my sanity. To move on...I loved him so much.”

“Brian...” Simon interrupts him, affected himself by this whole conversation. “If you don’t go to see him, you might regret it. There won’t be any other chance once he’s gone.”

Brian averts his gaze downward before he quietly asks, “How  _ long _ ?”

“Hard to tell. It could be a week or a few months at the most. The only thing I know is that there isn’t a lot of time left.”

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me the truth sooner,” Brian counters as a way of shifting the direction of the conversation, not agreeing nor refusing to go see Aidan.

“Does it really matter now?” Simon responds tersely. “And truthfully, the more time that passed, the more difficult it became to disrupt your life with this kind of news. If not for Aidan wanting you to know the truth, I think I wouldn’t have contacted you at all.”

“But you did.”

Simon concedes, “I did. I owed him that much. He wanted you to know when the time came...” Simon doesn’t specify what that really means, but he adds one last thought, though. “I respect him for having the strength to keep you out of it.”

Truthfully, Simon could have contacted Brian sooner, maybe even when Aidan still had some moments of lucidity, even if it hadn’t been a common occurrence for a long time now. But he didn’t; and he can’t change the past. He doesn’t know if he was right or wrong to wait this long, but he had respected Aidan’s wishes. Simon suspects it would have been too hard for Aidan to let Brian walk away from him if he had seen him one last time, while a fraction of his mind was still there. Simon had even feared it could cause more damage than good. That’s part of the reason why he had waited so long to contact Brian.

Life, health, every moment...Nothing should be taken for granted. The preciousness of it all is something easy to forget in a person’s everyday life. How many times do we feel overwhelmed by life, like we couldn’t possibly be happy, fulfilled, peaceful? Feelings, little things – a word from a friend or a lover, a boss or a stranger, an event we’re unprepared for, a TV news report which makes us think that the world is crazy – all these little things can alter our life, or more precisely, our happiness. Sometimes we’re unable to appreciate what we have. The most beautiful and simple things become insignificant. Little things overpower us, and just overshadow everything else.

Yet, it’s in the simple things that we can live. A smile, a beautiful word, all these simple things can change our perception on life. It can feed us, making us stronger.

If Aidan’s story had taught Simon anything, it was this:  we have to pay attention, cherish, and listen to simple things. Life is precious.

Of course, it’s a utopian version of life. It’s not that simple. And yet...Just a smile can change everything.

Simon will always remember Aidan’s smile.

* * *

**Justin’s POV**

Forty minutes after leaving Brian in the living room to speak privately with Simon, Justin hears the front door open and close, announcing Simon’s departure. The two men had needed some time alone, and Justin had pushed Brian to hear what Simon had to say about Aidan’s story on his own without him standing there, listening to their every word. He knows Brian will share with him the important things. But, he really believes that some of it was meant for only Brian to hear.

Aidan is a fragment of Brian’s past. A part of who he is. Justin wants to respect that, especially after having learned what had really happened to Brian’s former lover.

It’s a part of loving someone for Justin. He has to do what he thinks is best for the man he loves. His own emotions about the situation are mixed, it’s true, but it’s a natural feeling, too. Loving someone means that the jealousy is never far from his mind regarding a former lover. Still, Justin likes to think he is stronger than that. After all, Brian had called  _ him _ , and had wanted him by his side to face what he is going through. Brian’s love for him is real; of that, Justin has no doubt.

Approaching his partner, Justin takes the time to observe him. Brian is standing still in front of the window, his gaze fixed on an invisible spot in front of him. He must have sensed Justin’s presence by his side, but he hasn’t acknowledged him yet.

“Are you okay?” Justin asks softly, placing his left hand at the small of Brian’s back.

“I...I don’t know...” Brian answers sincerely. He is still looking into the night, but his voice tells Justin everything the younger man needs to know.

Whatever Simon has shared with him, Brian is deeply touched by Aidan’s fate. Justin senses that Brian is slowly accepting Aidan’s choice, but that after the anger and after the rage, defeat is winning in his partner’s mind.

The important part is, Brian finally knows the truth, no matter how painful it might be. Now, Justin needs to be here for his partner, to support him, and to deal with its consequences.

Justin positions himself behind Brian, his arms wrapping around his partner’s waist, his face resting softly on Brian’s shoulder. The man doesn’t react at first, but soon his fingers close around Justin’s. They stay like that for a long time.

At last, Brian whispers, “I want to see him.” He pauses before adding softly, “And I want...for you to come with me.”

It isn’t a question, more like a statement.  Justin simply squeezes his hand in response. He will help Brian endure this difficult time.

No matter what it takes.

 


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian and Justin are going to visit Aidan.

**_The next day_ **

**Justin’s POV**

The silence is often more revealing than words.

As Brian steers the car toward the outskirts of New York City, there are no words filling the air, no questionable jokes or soft teasing between the two partners; just two men sitting in a car, focused on the event to come.

It’s not even clear if his partner is allowing himself a single thought at the moment. Honestly, Justin is pretty sure that he is just going through the motions, not letting his mind wander around at all. How could he? He is going to see the only man he’d loved besides him, a man that had sacrificed their love to ensure Brian’s happiness; a man that is now just a shadow of his former self.

Justin  _ feels _ for Brian. His partner isn’t allowing any outer signs of fear or anguish to appear on his face, but Justin knows him better than anyone. The man beside him is struggling to keep his true emotions from emerging. He wants to make him stop the car, to take him in his arms and never let him go. Yet, he knows that Brian doesn’t need for him to cuddle him right now; far from it. The distance is so much easier at the moment.

Peering out the side window, Justin watches the scenery change with each passing moment. The day is grey, dark clouds hovering over them, and Justin can’t help but muse about the irony of it all. If he didn’t believe in the depth of his and Brian’s love for each other, he would take that as a sign that they were indeed facing a crisis in their relationship. In fact, if he were a character in a movie right now, the general message to the viewer would be clear. But he isn’t a fictional character, and Aidan isn’t dealing with a fake disease. This is far too real to be a fantasy.

Justin is nervous. Everybody in his situation would be, wouldn’t he? However, he can’t let his inner anxiety cloud his mind.

Cloud. There is that word again. Well, it doesn’t mean it will necessarily rain. Every cloud has a silver lining.

* * *

Forty minutes later, Brian and Justin finally arrive at their destination.

After four miles of driving on a narrow road in the country, the iron gate that arises in front of them is magnificent. Justin recognizes immediately a fineness and a brilliance in the work made by the iron forger and creator of such a beauty. The gate is surrounded by a high, impressive wall composed of various types of rock. Justin had googled the place earlier, so he knows for a fact that the wall extends around several acres and surrounds the Institute, including a peaceful-looking lake.

A small intercom and video camera welcome the visitors who have no other choice but to wait for the gate to open after having made their presence known. Therefore, Brian presses the button after opening the car’s window, clearing his throat as if he already knew his voice would fail him somehow.

A moment later, a male voice announces, “The Sundale Institution, may I help you?”

Brian doesn’t respond immediately. He just stares at the gate in front of him like it was an impassable wall.

“Brian...” Justin calls over to him softly when he realizes Brian isn’t responding.

Brian doesn’t move, nor does he avert his gaze. His right hand is still gripping the steering wheel; the only sound heard is the car’s engine. It’s like he doesn’t even hear Justin calling him, and in fact, Justin isn’t sure he does.

Justin puts his hand on his partner’s thigh and caresses it slightly, causing Brian to finally look at him as if he were noticing his presence next to him for the first time. Then Brian blinks, frowning, and finally he pushes the intercom’s button once more and indicates the reason for their visit. If one would listen to him now, he wouldn’t notice the catch in his voice as he pronounces his former lover’s name. But Justin does.

The gate starts to open a few seconds later, and Justin discovers a long road in front of them, surrounded by beautiful oaks, chestnuts, beech, and some other hardwood trees that Justin doesn’t recognize. The driveway is quite long and winding, leading him to assume that the Institute, which was converted from an old mansion, is still a fair distance away. 

Nevertheless, even with the gate fully open now, Brian doesn’t move at first, nor does he indicate any inclination to do so.  Justin looks at him and waits, intending to let his lover make this decision on his own.

He watches as Brian closes his eyes before opening them again, looking down at his hands joined together in his lap. Brian peers out the windshield up at the sky then, and takes a deep breath as if he is having a silent conversation only he is privileged to hear. At last, his gaze reaches Justin’s face and the younger man smiles, offering in that small gesture all of his support.

Brian reaches for Justin’s hand and squeezes it before he puts the car in drive and moves the vehicle forward, the gate slowly closing behind them as they proceed.

The road to the Institute is a surprisingly steep one, small ruts causing the car to bounce excessively, but after a minute-and-a-half ride, they finally arrive in front of a beautiful mansion. The manor house in and of itself is a beautiful building made of stone; what seems to be the main entrance is comprised of an impressive, beautifully framed door, adorned with a magnificent tin trim. It is the first feature that Justin notices, along with a pathway that provides visitors and patients access to the ancient stables situated several yards away.

During his research earlier today, Justin had discovered that this place is actually the property of a rich contractor, Mr. Sundale, whose wife had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at thirty-seven. Years later after his wife’s death, the man created the Institute with a clear purpose: to help young patients suffering from Alzheimer’s or any other related disorders deal with their everyday life, as well as offer them a place to spend their remaining years with dignity and as peacefully as possible. The Institute had been in operation for eleven years now.

Brian kills the engine as soon as they find a place in the parking lot adjacent to the mansion. Still, they just remain seated, looking at the building and the surrounding area, the trees’ branches moving in response to the soft wind, and a small, plain, wooden sign next to a dirt trail indicating a lake located two tenths of a mile away.

“Let’s do this,” Brian finally announces with a hoarse voice before clearing his throat once more. He opens the door and gets out of the vehicle.

The air surrounding them as they begin the walk separating the parking lot from the main entrance is invigorating and welcome. Still, Justin can sense the tension emanating from Brian’s body, despite the fact they are not touching each other.

They pass a man and a woman seated on a bench, maybe a father and his daughter. The woman is smiling and speaking to the older man softly, the words not loud enough to be heard by passers-by. But Justin sees the way she looks at the man and the look on his face. The man is nodding, but he obviously doesn’t really understand what is going on. At least that’s the impression Justin has as he looks at them.

As if to validate his thoughts, Brian’s step slows down momentarily as they walk past them. Justin has to do the same so he can wait for Brian. Glancing at his lover, he decides to initiate a physical contact and grabs his partner’s hand. Brian is fighting not to turn around and leave, but Justin won’t let him.

As he touches him he feels Brian shiver, his restlessness and apprehension too strong to hide. Brian is looking at him, his eyes reflecting many emotions at once, and Justin feels once again this uncontrollable need to protect him. It’s obvious Brian wants to run away from this awful truth; Justin can’t blame him, and wants nothing more than to let him do just that. But at the same time, he knows he has to be the strong one, the one that won’t let his emotions take control over the situation. Brian needs to do this, and he  _ needs _ him to lead him on the right path.

So Justin just stares back at Brian, letting his partner see there is no turning back, before he resumes his walk, Brian finally following along behind him.

They finally make it to the entrance and step inside. A man in his fifties is standing in the lobby behind a counter, a glass-framed office with beautiful, tall windows situated in the back.

“May I help you?” The man inquires politely as he peers over at them. A nametag is displayed on his cardigan with a tasteful, brass name badge that reads ‘ _ Louis Marcy – Concierge.’ _

“We’re here to see a patient, Aidan Cole,” Brian responds quietly, looking anxiously at the wooden door separating them from what must be the main room of the manor house.

“May I have your names, Gentlemen?” The concierge asks, his eyebrows raised as he peers at them through his glasses.

“Brian Kinney. This is my partner, Justin Taylor,” Brian responds. The man nods and looks at his computer.

“Yes. You’re here to see Aidan.” It’s not a question. “You will need to sign the registry.”

“Of course,” Justin agrees, sensing his partner’s anxiety. He takes the pen Louis offers him, signs his name in the book, and gives the pen to Brian.

Brian signs his name, returning the pen to its owner as Louis announces, “I will come with you. This is a big place. If you will please follow me...” he starts to steer them towards the dreaded wooden door that no doubt leads to the patients’ rooms.

“Wait...” Brian mumbles.

Justin gazes at his partner and realizes he is about to panic. “Brian...”

Louis unexpectedly surprises them both by interrupting their exchange before it even begins. “It’s fine. Simon Atkins warned me earlier today that you would probably be coming here to see Aidan, Mr. Kinney...”  He studies Brian before continuing, “…and that you would be ready to bolt out of here the moment you set foot in it. He also told me not to let you, for your own sake. So, if you will please come with me...” He gestures expectantly with his hand towards the door.

That seems to shake Brian out of his trance. He blinks before retorting, “Are you always so blunt with visitors you don’t even know? And what makes you think I’d give a fucking shit about what Simon Atkins might have asked you to do?” Brian’s defense mechanisms are on full alert.

Unfazed, Louis replies, “I apologize if I seem abrupt or presumptuous. I don’t want to make it any harder than it already is for you, I’m sure. But Aidan has been one of our residents for more than two years now, and it’s the first time you’ve come to see him. From my experience, it can only mean one of two things. One, you distanced yourself from him when you learned about his disease – whatever your relationship with him is – because it was too difficult for you to deal with. But now that his health is deteriorating more quickly than expected, you realize you needed to see him while he’s still here. Or two, you didn’t know about his condition until recently...And considering your restlessness right now, and that Mr. Atkins confessed to me that you had a special place in Aidan’s life once, I would say it’s more likely that is what is happening here.”

The man blinks before admitting sheepishly, “Me and my big mouth... believe me, I’m aware that I tend to get way out of line when I care about a patient here, which happens way too often, if I may add. It’s just...If you’re here...” Louis doesn’t finish his sentence, but Justin hears what he is implying nonetheless. The man is convinced that if Brian is here, it’s because he wants to, and therefore he shouldn’t change his mind now.

By now, Justin is asking himself if this man is for real. Despite the man’s statement earlier that he didn’t know what sort of relationship Brian has had with Aidan, it’s obvious to him that Simon has told him that Brian is Aidan’s former lover, and Justin isn’t sure how he feels about that. But at the same time, Louis’s honesty might be just what Brian needs. His partner has always respected a man who stands his ground.

Justin turns to look at his partner. Brian’s gaze is still on Louis’s face, but it’s more a puzzled look than anything else by now.

Louis insists, “Please, Mr. Kinney, come with me...” His posture is neither patronizing nor judgmental. He genuinely wants Brian not to back down.

“Brian...” Justin pushes, “Come on...”

Brian looks back at his partner and Justin sees resignation in his eyes. Truthfully, Justin is pretty sure Louis’s fervent speech hasn’t changed anything, and that Brian wouldn’t have left anyhow; but the concierge’s words might have helped his partner not to freak out here in the middle of the lobby.

They follow Louis to the huge wooden door. As he opens it, sunlight coming from three large windows floods the big room in front of them – the two smaller ones appeared to be about 12 feet tall and at least six feet wide, and they flanked an ever larger window in the center. Long and elegant dark green curtains – drawn back to allow the light to shine through – are restrained by beautiful, golden loops. The room offers a feeling of warmth through its paintings and high ceiling that rises to a height of approximately 20 feet – and the big fireplace in the center of the room is trimmed with fine scrollwork and marble tile. The view through the windows is incredible, the scenery of the lake and trees providing a feeling of peace and serenity within the room. An impressive, wooden staircase is located on the left side of the room, as well as an elevator.

A few people are seated in the comfortable couches and chairs arranged in the room. Two men in wheelchairs are there, too, and Justin sees Brian anxiously gazing at them; but Aidan isn’t there.

“This is the main room of the mansion, where our residents can come to enjoy the scenery outside or just relax in front of the fireplace during long, cold nights. We have a library through there,” Louis informs them, indicating a little door to the right side of the fireplace. “And the dining room is behind the main staircase over there.”

“The rooms are upstairs. This way...” Louis indicates for Brian and Justin to follow him once more as he resumes his walk.

The three men begin to ascend the stairs, and Justin notices how hard Brian grips the banister with each one of his steps. He doesn’t comment.

They finally arrive in an open space overlooking the main room before reaching a long corridor that seems to cover the entire floor. Louis turns to his left, and leads them toward the end of the hall. They encounter three nurses – a nametag is attached to their shirts, indicating their positions - before finally stopping in front of another wooden door with an inscription that reads: ‘ _ Room No. 18: Mr. Aidan Cole.’ _

Louis pauses, peering over with concern at Brian, who is becoming way too still. Justin grabs his arm, forcing Brian to look at him; his chest tightens as he looks into his partner’s beautiful, hazel eyes.

Brian gazes back at Louis who is patiently waiting for a sign that he is indeed ready. After a long moment, Brian averts his eyes and nods.

This is it. This moment when Justin has to fade away into the background and let his lover do what he needs to do.

Justin’s heart is beating. Fast.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

During the entire trip earlier, Brian had the impression that he was travelling into a thick fog that permeated his brain like an unwanted but inevitable ally. His mind had been blank, but if he’d scratched it just a little bit, a myriad of emotions would have taken over.

Since Simon’s visit and his revelations about Aidan, Brian had been feeling almost numb. The past forty-eight hours had been hell, and the only way he could maintain any sense of sanity was to try and shut his thoughts down altogether, at least partially.

Indeed, for some people, when a piece of news is too disturbing, their mind offers a sort of protection by creating a wall. It doesn’t make it necessarily easier, but it helps to keep your defenses up, because losing control wouldn’t change anything.

That’s exactly how Brian is feeling right now. It’s like his mind is trapped behind a wall, knowing it needs to stay there for as long as it can; even if at some point he anticipates that the emotions will become too hard to be kept locked up inside of him. They will inevitably escape and perhaps overwhelm him.

And yet, this way of coping has always helped Brian deal with his true emotions.

When he was a child, he wanted to be loved and to feel cherished, like any other kid. Seeking the approval of your mom and dad is human nature. Your parents give you life, and their education shapes you, gives you some values you’re supposed to follow. They are meant to protect you, to help you grow up and become a man. Their love is supposed to be the foundation of your existence, a treasure they give you to make you stronger, better; to feel safe.

Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn’t work that way. Brian isn’t the first child, nor the last, who didn’t have that kind of home.

Still, his parents’ rejection had hit him hard. As he grew up and became a teenager, he had understood that he couldn’t show his feelings and he had to protect himself. The truth is, being rejected because the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally think that you’re an ungrateful little shit is easier than being rejected when you show them how much you need their love and approval; in the latter case, the rejection hurts so much more, because you understand that they will never be able to love you like you need them to, like every parent should love their child. Moreover, you can’t stop the questions from invading your mind: Does it mean you’re unlovable? Unworthy? That something is wrong with you?

Whatever the answer, it’s much easier to inflict pain before getting hurt; that’s a lesson Brian had learned at a very young age, making it almost impossible to deny later.

This philosophy had worked for a long time for him. Consequently, he had gone too far many times; with Michael, Lindsay, and Debbie; even with his own mother. Being uncontrollable, praising himself for being a free man who didn’t have to account for his actions to anyone, and most certainly not feeling anything for another human being – especially remotely romantic or  _ real _ \- had been liberating. Still, he knew if he had been rejected then, it would have been only fair. Truthfully, if not for his honesty, Brian knows he would have certainly wound up alone in the end.

However, it all had begun to change when he had met the two most important people in his life on the same night, and now that Brian is older and wiser he is grateful for it. Living locked up in his own golden prison had not been living. It had been just a way of protecting himself. Therefore, contrary to what he did believe once, he wasn’t brave. He merely had been hiding behind his asshole persona, because it was easier. That way, he’d have no fear of not being enough, because people never expected anything from him in the first place. But it all changed when he met his son and Justin.

Of course, exposing his true self hadn’t been simple; at first, it had happened against his will, and truthfully it also had been hell at times. Opening his heart and letting someone see who he really was had scared him so much that he had nearly lost everything numerous times. And yet, Brian doesn’t regret anything.

Love, if sincere and true, is so fucking worth it, even with all the pain. That’s the lesson Justin and Aidan have taught him. He wouldn’t be here today, about to see Aidan - when he knows without a doubt that it will break his heart - if not for his faith in love.

Every time Brian thinks of Aidan, it  _ hurts _ . He’s still fighting to accept the truth, and he doesn’t know how he will react when he sees him. Moreover, he refuses to think about it, or he fears he will not be strong enough.

Brian has never believed in happily ever after. He has secretly hoped for it, first with Justin, then with Aidan, and finally with Justin again, but he isn’t an optimistic man. He isn’t necessarily a pessimistic one, either – even if he was known to be pessimistic about human nature; it’s just that he usually prefers not to think about it. He lives every day as they come, one at a time.

Still, he doesn’t understand. Why does Aidan’s destiny have to be so painful? It’s not fair. Aidan is one of the most beautiful persons Brian has ever met. He still loves him so much. What is he supposed to do, knowing Aidan is gone? Maybe his body is still here, but if his mind has vanished, does it mean it’s over? Just thinking about it makes Brian feel so cold inside.

Objectively, he can’t let his thoughts take the upper hand. He needs to keep his emotions under control and shut his mind off if he wants to succeed in facing Aidan.

So he does. Of course, he is doing a poor job of pretending it’s working.

* * *

The whole thing is unreal. The drive, the walk, the exchange with Louis, everything seems like an illusion, and Brian has the impression that he is just an observer. His body is here, his feet are walking, he can hear his voice speaking; he can even feel his heart beating. But he feels like he isn’t here at all, because if he is, he would be running away as fast as possible, right?

Or maybe not. Justin won’t let him. And deep down, Brian knows he can’t. He won’t. He doesn’t want to.

He almost freaks out when they arrive, so he must be more aware of what is happening than he likes to think. Suddenly, he realizes that this is it, his last chance to turn around and leave. He almost believes for a minute that he actually has that choice.

He likes the concierge. The little speech the man made about the residents showed Brian that he is genuine and ready to defend his convictions. Brian has always respected that quality. Also, it makes him briefly forget about the reason why he is here.

Brian can feel Justin’s eyes on him. He knows his partner is worried, ready to do anything to help him. If Brian asked him to fight against a dragon, or to steal a bank, or even build a shrine in his honor, Brian is pretty sure he would. Yet, the most beautiful thing his partner can do for him right now is to stay by his side and support him as he comes to terms with what is happening to Aidan. There is no bigger proof of love for Brian, and he can’t even begin to put into words how it makes him feel. He is so grateful for Justin’s presence in his life.

Thanks to Justin, he feels strong enough to face this. So, when Louis looks at him with a silent question reflecting in his eyes as they stand in front of the door to Aidan’s room, Brian doesn’t let the fear and pain that are desperately trying to suffocate him win. He owes it to his partner and his former lover.

He still isn’t prepared for what he is going to face, though.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian sees Aidan again for the first time in ten years...

**Justin’s POV**

Louis opens the door. He walks into the room, and Justin hears him announcing his presence to the man inside with a cheerful voice.

There is no answer.

He and Brian remain standing in the doorway as time seems to stand still. Justin can swear he feels the fast beating of Brian’s heart just by standing next to him, even if that’s impossible. Brian breathes, his mouth slightly open, his eyes looking inside the room, and Justin can’t tear his gaze away from his partner’s face.

Finally, Louis leaves after instructing them to press the call bottom in the entryway if they need anything. After a moment, Brian finally finds the fortitude to move as he walks slowly into the room. Justin follows him.

He will always remember what he is about to experience. More than anything, he will remember the  _ intensity  _ of this moment _. _

The room is spacious, two large windows allowing the natural daylight to flood the wooden floor. The ambience reflects the beautiful setting of the place, including an impressive mantelpiece and a beautifully carved, wall-mounted bookcase. The off-white walls are covered by beautiful framed photographs, and Justin feels like he is entering a man’s home, one that allows his dignity and identify to be preserved. But he doesn’t have the time to admire the pictures and to fully let his mind take in the remarkable atmosphere.

Just as Justin takes another step inside, Brian freezes. Here, on his left side, a medical bed is partially hidden by a long curtain hanging from the ceiling, and while Justin can’t see the man lying on the bed yet, Brian can.

His stare says it all.

Taking a deep breath, Justin takes a last step, too, and peers at Aidan Cole for the second time in his life.

His immediate reaction is to come closer to Brian and gently grab his hand in an attempt to offer him his support. But truthfully, Justin isn’t sure why  _ he _ needs the physical contact of his partner right now, and he doesn’t want to analyze the thought too much. One thing he knows, though: while he has always believed that he would feel the tiniest hint of jealousy - or maybe even resentment - when he finally sees again the only other man that had succeeded in capturing Brian’s heart, what he feels at that instant is nothing like he would have imagined.

The man lying in front of him is skinny; too skinny. His body is visibly curled up under the sheets that cover his long legs. His hands are folded and lying on his stomach. His shoulders seem too tense with his head bowed, but what disturbs Justin to his very core is his face. All he can see is the stiffness of his facial features and the glazed look in his eyes.

Aidan doesn’t acknowledge their presence at all.

Justin peers at Brian, but his hazel eyes are still hypnotized by the sight of Aidan, lying alone and helpless in his bed. Justin notices that Brian is shaking his head slightly, his lips pinched as if he can’t accept what his eyes are telling him. Truthfully, Justin isn’t even sure  _ he _ can.

Brian lowers his head and closes his eyes, his face hardening. “Fuck...” is the only word he pronounces, his voice cracking, as he squeezes Justin’s hand harder. Brian is trying not to let the pain overwhelm him, but he is failing.

Justin feels helpless. He wants so badly to take Brian’s pain away. But he can’t.

“I’m here, Brian,” Justin murmurs, wanting to convey with those words all that he cannot say; he receives an imperceptible nod as Brian looks up at him for a few long seconds.

Justin knows Brian needs to do this on his own, so he doesn’t move when Brian breaks their physical contact to walk around the bed and sit in a chair situated on the left-hand side. From this point on, Justin realizes he is just a silent witness to the unfolding event that is playing out in front of him.

As Brian scoots the chair closer to Aidan, Justin sees him hesitate briefly before reaching out for Aidan’s left hand. Brian covers it gently with his own, as if he were afraid that too hard a pressure would do the man even more harm, before intertwining their fingers together. It was probably a needless precaution, but Brian’s reaction is not surprising in light of how delicate and fragile Aiden seems in his bed. So  _ still _ . It’s amazing Brian finds the strength to touch him at all.

Aidan doesn’t react.

With his right hand, Brian reaches for Aidan’s forehead, but he pauses before actually touching it; he finally drops his hand, instead, to lie on the pillow next to his head.

Justin can’t take his eyes off his partner’s face as Brian looks at the man lying in front of him. His gaze holds so many emotions; but mainly, Justin sees love and kindness in Brian’s eyes.

Moreover, by now, all Justin can see is  _ their _ love. The sight makes Justin’s chest tightens.  _ Is it suddenly harder to breathe _ ? Because it certainly feels like it.

A lot of people would believe that Justin’s pain is the result of him being jealous as he witnesses Brian’s connection with another man. Of course, it would be wrong for him to feel that way, when he is looking at a man whose life had been taken away from him because of an awful disease nobody should ever have to face. Still, he knows jealousy is often uncontrollable when you witness the obvious love of your partner for someone else, and the truth is, Justin half expects not to be strong enough to observe it without feeling some sort of resentment.

But there is not an ounce of jealousy inside of him right now.

If anything, he finds Brian and Aidan’s love so beautiful, so  _ right. _ Justin doesn’t know if he feels that way because he is secure about his place in Brian’s heart, or even if the reason has anything at all to do with how he feels.  He can’t explain it. All he knows is that Brian’s presence here today in this room, with his sick former lover - a man he still loves, whatever it means - feels right.

Moreover, in an instant like this one, Justin fully appreciates how lucky he is to be happy and healthy. Life is a gift. And Justin is so grateful to  _ live,  _ and to be able to cherish every moment he shares with the person he loves.

“Hey...It’s me...” Brian’s gentle voice brings Justin back from his musings. His partner is speaking softly, his right arm now partially shrouding Aidan’s head, but without touching him.

Brian whispers again, but Justin doesn’t really listen to the spoken words by now. He is too mesmerized by the scene playing out in front of him. Words fail him at the moment as to how he feels, but if he had to choose a word to describe what he is witnessing, Justin might choose a strange one regarding this situation.

_ ‘Powerful’.  _ Maybe even ‘beautiful’.

He sees Brian’s hand finally touching Aidan’s forehead for the first time. Then, Brian begins to gently caress Aidan’s hair that is falling into his eyes. During all this time, Brian’s gaze hasn’t left Aidan’s face once.

And then, all of a sudden, Justin sees his partner frowning and looking at his left hand. The younger man follows his gaze and gasps.

Aidan is squeezing Brian’s hand.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

Louis opens the door. He walks in, and Brian can only follow his silhouette from behind as the concierge uses a cheerful voice to focus his attention on the occupant who is lying to his left. After a few seconds Louis disappears from Brian’s line of vision, but Brian can hear him speaking to someone as if he were an old friend, even though he does not hear any reply in return.

Those seconds separating him from entering the room seem to last forever. And yet, Brian doesn’t move. He can feel his heart beating way too fast for his liking, his hands sweaty and his throat dry. His body is responding to this uncontrollable feeling of inevitability without his consent.

Finally, Louis returns to inform them, “He is awake. You can go in.” He squeezes Brian’s arm briefly before adding, “If you need anything, there is a call button right here by the side of the door. Don’t hesitate to use it... For anything.” He nods at Justin before leaving them there, standing in front of the open door of Aidan’s room. Brian’s gaze follows Louis’ retreating form for a few seconds before focusing his gaze once again on the door. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply. When he opens them again, his look reflects a new determination.

If he were in a movie, Brian is pretty sure this scene would be filmed in slow motion with several sequence shots and his heartbeat used as a sound effect. He almost wants to laugh at the stupidity of his thought. That is, until he sees Aidan for the first time in ten years.

He doesn’t really notice anything about the room, not the big windows or the wooden floor, the old, wall mounted-bookcase or the beautiful mantelpiece situated in the right corner, even as his mind registers that there are a lot of photographs adorning the walls. Still, all of this is irrelevant because all he can focus on is  _ him _ .

At the first sight of his former lover, Brian isn’t sure his legs are going to support him much longer. He feels like he has been hit in the stomach, and that all the oxygen has left his body. He needs to remember how to breathe, or he might suffocate because of the tightening in his chest.

The man lying in front of him is not his former lover. He  _ can’t _ be. Aidan was so beautiful and full of life. In stark contrast, the man he is looking at right now looks like... a corpse or an empty shell. His eyes are glassy, his vacant stare fixed on an invisible spot. He is like a mannequin or a fragile doll, without a single ounce of life emanating from his body, except for the loud, raspy sound of his breathing.

Brian feels Justin grab his hand. The warmth he feels from his partner’s touch keeps him from falling apart, because at that instant Brian is fighting with all of his strength not to run away. He doesn’t even realize he is shaking his head, as his mind refuses to believe what his eyes are showing him.

This man can’t be Aidan, can he?

Brian wants to deny it so much that it hurts.  _ It’s not real. It can’t be. _

“Fuck...” He doesn’t realize he has lowered his gaze or that he has spoken out loud until he hears the deafening crack in his voice. He is gripping Justin’s hand like it is the only thing that prevents him from losing it completely.

“I’m here, Brian,” Justin whispers. Brian looks up at his partner and once more he  _ feels _ the true meaning of Justin’s words. It conveys love. Understanding. Support. Strength.

_ Strength. _

What would Brian do without Justin by his side? Where would he be today? Certainly not here in this room. He would probably have run away as fast as possible when he discovered the truth about Aidan’s disease forty-eight hours ago. Of course, if he’d known he would have stayed by Aidan’s side since the beginning. But he hadn’t had a choice, and if Justin hadn’t been with him to deal with this revelation ten years after Aidan’s departure, Brian knows he wouldn’t have been strong enough to face any of it.

Brian knows that seeing Aidan now is the right thing to do. For Aidan, of course. But mainly for himself. If he hadn’t come, he would have regretted it for the rest of his life, maybe not consciously, but still...

He also knows without a single doubt that he wouldn’t have come on his own because it would have been too hard to face alone. Sure, he knows Gus would have been there if he had asked him, or even Michael. But the truth is, he isn’t sure he would have told them anything about Aidan’s condition.

Revealing the truth - saying it out loud and sharing it with his friends and his family - makes it real. It would have been so much easier to have kept quiet and moved on without looking back. Nothing would have changed. Aidan would still be sick and Brian would still be in denial.

Brian truly believes that if not for Justin’s faith in him, he probably wouldn’t have  _ allowed _ Aidan’s condition to be real. And it would have destroyed him slowly but painfully. In the end, both his and Aidan’s lives would have been altered forever.

Justin is his strength. He feels like he can face anything with him by his side. Brian knows it sounds corny, romantic or whatever people call it, but that doesn’t stop him from knowing with perfect clarity that Justin makes him a better man.

With that knowledge, he is certain as he gazes into Justin’s face that he is strong enough to face this.

He walks around the bed and sits in the adjacent chair. He pulls himself closer to Aidan’s form and takes the time to look at him more closely. Obviously, Brian doesn’t like what he sees, but that doesn’t stop him from reaching for Aidan’s left hand.

He desperately wants to touch him and not touch him at the same time. It’s a weird feeling, but an uncontrollable one. So, he first chooses to cover Aidan’s hand with his own.

It’s the first time Brian has touched his former partner in ten years, and the only thing he can think of is that Aidan’s hand is cold to the touch and bony, almost rough. It feels so  _ different. _ But now that Brian has initiated this first contact, he needs more, so he slides his fingers into Aidan’s palm.

Aidan doesn’t react, and Brian is almost relieved with his lack of reaction. Almost.

It’s strange, because Brian wants for Aidan to react, to do something, anything. But at the same time, he is scared. What if Aidan become agitated and starts to scream because a man he doesn’t recognize is touching him? What if Brian doesn’t succeed in soothing him?

These are legitimate questions. But despite his fears, Brian knows he will deal with whatever happens.

Sensing that Aidan is not getting agitated – he still isn’t responding at all – Brian impulsively reaches for Aidan’s forehead, but he stops himself. This inner fear of causing more harm than good to Aidan is growing, replacing the previous anxiety that had made him feel like he wasn’t strong enough to face him in the first place. Now that Brian is here, sitting by Aidan’s side and touching him in a supportive and caring manner, he can’t think of a reason why he should not be here. He doesn’t want to leave anymore. He just wants to stay here and not give Aidan any more reason to be afraid. So, Brian finally lays his own hand on the pillow next to Aidan’s head.

“Hey...It’s me...” His voice sounds strange to his own ears. There is a kindness in it Brian doesn’t usually use. And yet, he feels the need to speak to Aidan, to tell him how he feels and to create the illusion of a connection with the almost lifeless man lying in front of him. As a result, he shuts his mind and lets his emotions guide him.

“You’re a stupid man, you know that?” Brian chides him fondly. “You outdid yourself with your last disappearance act, that’s for sure.” By now, Brian is caressing Aidan’s lock of hair which has fallen over his forehead, not even aware that he is doing it. “You always were a stubborn man, but I think I failed to realize just how much...” Brian can feel the ghost of a smile grazing his own face as he whispers softly to the man before him.

“Just so you know...I understand why you did it.” And this statement couldn’t be truer. Even if Brian had fought at the beginning to accept Aidan’s actions and to forgive him, he realizes that all his anger and despair have vanished. All of it seems unimportant now. “I want you to know... I won’t forgive you because there is nothing to  _ forgive _ . You did what you had to do. And I would have done the same thing.” Brian’s gaze doesn’t leave Aidan’s face and for a furtive moment, he almost believes he sees something flicker in Aidan’s eyes. “I just wish you could hear me. I wish that...”

He feels the pressure in his hand, but he doesn’t acknowledge it at first. However, the pressure is becoming stronger and Brian frowns as he lowers his gaze to their joined hands lying on Aidan’s stomach.

Aidan is squeezing his hand. Hard.

Doctors will explain to him later that this kind of reaction happens. Sometimes, some patients have a gripping reflex, especially those dealing with brain diseases.

Doctors will also tell him that the human brain is complex, the most formidable organ of the human body. Many people report that they have witnessed impossible things with patients suffering from a brain disorder. Why does a patient whose conscience and mind have been gone for a long time suddenly appear to have a moment of lucidity one day; a moment that disappears as fast as it comes? How can a person’s condition suddenly improve when he had one foot in the grave just one day before?

Doctors will tell Brian that they don’t know why these things happen, and that there are no scientific explanations. But they will also tell him that anything is possible, and that he should keep the faith. Everyone is allowed to believe that things happen for a  _ reason. _

At the moment, Brian doesn’t know about any of that. So when Aidan turns his head to look at him, Brian’s heart stops for a second. Hazel eyes meet green eyes, and for a brief instant, Brian sees  _ him. _

_ Aidan. _

Those soft green eyes he had known so well are boring into his and Aidan’s lips move furtively, as if the man is trying to say something; or is it Brian’s mind that is playing tricks on him? Does he want so much for it to be real that his mind shows him what he wants to see? Or is Aidan really trying to tell him he’s  _ here _ ?

Brian will never know. All he will be able to do is  _ believe. _

The moment passes just as fast as it appears. The light in Aidan’s eyes dies out as the man’s stare falters ; the brief flicker of recognition Brian swore he saw before is replaced now with an empty stare, Aidan's tight grip on his hand the only proof that he had not imagined it.

Brian ignores the moisture in his eyes, and bends over to kiss Aidan’s forehead. His lips touch the skin for a long time, as his free hand keeps caressing Aidan’s hair.

When he straightens up, Brian feels Justin’s hand on his shoulder.

“I saw it, too,” is all Justin says, but to Brian it’s the most precious gift his lover can give him. Of course, it could mean anything, and maybe the younger man had just seen Aidan gripping his hand and nothing else. Maybe Brian had only imagined the shared moment he had just experienced with Aidan. But deep down, he is convinced he didn’t.

Aidan  _ was _ here.

And now Brian feels at peace, because he knows what he is going to do. He will stay by Aidan’s side and visit him as much as he can, even if the man doesn’t remember him. He will talk to him about his life, about his son, about Justin, and he will tell him how lucky he is and how happy he feels. He will confide in him and tell how he misses him, and how he wishes he could still be a part of his everyday life, as a free and happy man. And he will read to him about the world and all those countries that Aidan had cherished so much.

He will be the friend Aidan needs him to be. And Justin will be with him every step of the way.

Until the end.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. Only an epilogue left. Thank you for reading and a special thanks to those who have left comments on this story.


	41. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

**_Three years later, Pittsburgh, June 2027_ **

**Justin’s POV**

Justin opens his eyes. The morning sun is flooding the comfy space of the bedroom, and he can’t help but smile as his gaze falls upon the beautiful form of his partner sleeping peacefully next to him.

He reaches out to push a strand of hair away from Brian’s eyes. The older man blinks before locking his gaze on his partner, a soft expression on his face, and Justin feels his chest tighten. He knows he is the only one Brian looks at that way, and it makes him feel special and loved.

Time stands still during this special moment; all Justin can see at that instant is Brian’s love for him, and he wants to thank whoever has allowed him to meet this man. Happiness is often so hard to find. Why had he been so lucky to have crossed Brian’s path twenty-seven years ago? Justin doesn’t know, and truthfully he is too busy being happy with this man to dwell on it too much. Still, from time to time, the question pops up from nowhere, reminding him that everyone doesn’t have that chance.

He will never voice that question out loud, though, since he is pretty sure he would never hear the end of it. His partner’s ego is sufficiently developed as it is.

As if to validate his thought, Brian peers at him with a knowing look, smiling mischievously.

“Hey...” Justin simply says, sensing his lips moving upwards even more.

“Hey, Sunshine...” Brian responds playfully before moving to take his lover into his arms. He buries his face in Justin’s neck and breathes deeply as he tightens his hold.

Neither man says anything. They just appreciate this simple moment – uncomplicated, yet so important - as it signifies so much more than just a tight embrace. It signifies experience and life, ordeals and happiness; being together, facing everything. And true love. Most of all true love.

“You ready?” Justin whispers when Brian loosens his grasp.

“I’m  _ always _ ready,” Brian quips fondly, while pushing his morning hard-on against Justin’s hip.

“I can definitely feel it...” Justin teases impishly, as he presses his body against him in response.

Even at fifty-six, his partner hasn’t lost his sense of humor. Therefore, Brian can’t help but reply with a grin, “Sex isn’t funny business. It’s  _ hard _ work.”

“Seriously? You’re still using that one?” Justin jokes, laughing at Brian’s use of the word ‘hard’ as he tries to free himself from Brian’s hold.

“What? You asked for it. I dare you to say you don’t worship my sense of duty,” Brian replies playfully, a big smile on his face as he starts to caress Justin’s hair.

The younger man gives up the fight and lets Brian brush his hand through his locks. The mood they share slowly shifts and Justin stays silent for a long moment, his eyes never leaving Brian’s face, as he tries to gauge if his partner is really as fine as he appears to be. Finally, he can’t refrain from asking, “Are you okay, really?”

Brian’s expression become serious; he stares at Justin for a long time, his expression open and vulnerable, before responding with a small smile on his lips, “I am.”

* * *

Aidan died exactly a year ago.

During that first visit in March 2024, Justin had immediately understood that Brian wanted to be a part of Aidan’s life again. Truthfully, staying away hadn’t been an option anymore. The day Brian had agreed to see Aidan again had sealed both Brian and Aidan’s future.

Justin hadn’t waited for Brian to think about it, giving him his blessing as soon as they had left the Institution that day. He will always remember Brian’s look at that moment. There had been so much love in his beautiful hazel eyes, and Justin had once again been in awe to realize how much Brian loved him. Moreover, when his partner had whispered an ‘I love you’ before taking him into his arms, the crack in his voice had reached something deep inside Justin, his heart constricting as a result.

Even if Aidan had never been able to recognize anyone or communicate properly ever again, his health condition noticeably improved in the few weeks following their visit. It had been like his body had decided to fight to live again.

Everybody had been surprised, but no one had questioned the reason why it had happened. To Justin, there could have been only one plausible explanation for this turnaround. Aidan must have known on some level that Brian was a part of his life again.

Thus, Brian had spent a lot of time with Aidan at the Institute. He had talked to him for hours, about his life and his family, as if Aidan could understand everything he was sharing with him.

Naturally, Brian had confided in Justin about Aidan’s love of Africa and India, among other places; so Justin had supplied Brian with several unique, beautiful books, all of them filled with detailed information and photos about both countries. That way, his lover could in some way provide Aidan with an escape as he read to him about each place. They both knew there was always a possibility that Aidan couldn’t apprehend the words that described the scenes of life or specific landscapes, but they didn’t care. If Aidan could understand even a small part of it, it was worth it.

The smile on Brian’s face every time he returned from visiting Aidan had been the best present Justin could have ever received in return for his support. If possible, the revelation of Aidan’s disease and its consequences had brought him and Brian even closer, proving to them that their love for each other was boundless and that they could face anything as long as they were together.

However, Aidan’s health had suddenly deteriorated a little more than a year ago. Ultimately, he passed away in June 2026.

His death had been hard on Brian, even though he had been given ample time to prepare for it. The day of Aidan’s funeral he had cried silently in front of his son, his friends, and his family, a fact he certainly must have regretted later. And yet, as he held his partner’s hand, Justin had instantly known that Brian had been deeply touched that his friends had been there to support him in facing Aidan’s death.

It had been Gus who had asked everyone to come and support his father; consequently, Michael and Ben, Ted and Blake, Emmett and Liam, Lindsay and Melanie, Jenny-Rebecca, Jennifer and Molly, Debbie – Carl had passed away three years before – and Gus and Sarah, had all travelled to Harrisburg, where Aidan was going to be buried with his sister.

When Brian had first laid eyes on them, he hadn’t been able to hide his true feelings anymore.

A moment later, he had lightly touched Aidan’s coffin with his hand as time seemed to stop. Brian hadn’t tried to keep his emotions from overwhelming him during that moment, allowing his friends to see his vulnerability without his usual mask, and without shame. Brian’s sadness over Aidan’s death had been palpable, as the man had softly laid a single red rose on the coffin before stepping back slowly.

That day, when every one of their friends had hugged Brian and Justin afterwards, words hadn’t been necessary to convey what everyone was feeling.

A few days later, when they had all returned to Pittsburgh, they had shared a meal at Debbie’s, and the magic had operated as always; gossip and laughter had filled the air, reminding Justin of how lucky they were to have such a wonderful family. And when Brian had finally laughed at one of Emmett’s dubious jokes, while grazing Justin’s neck with his hand like it was the most natural thing in the world, Justin had known that everything was going to be okay.

The truth is, Justin wouldn’t change a thing about his life. He is so happy. He has a great job, wonderful friends and a partner he loves more than anything.

Moreover, true love is not common. In fact, if you find it even once in your life, you are lucky.

And Justin feels like he is the luckiest man in the world.

* * *

**Brian’s POV**

**_Same day, five hours later, Harrisburg_ **

Brian and Justin have travelled all the way from Pittsburgh. During the car ride, they had joked and laughed, talking animatedly and smiling over each other’s reactions, as only two long-term lovers can do.

They had not even discussed the reason why they were coming here today. When Brian had announced one week ago that he wanted to go to Harrisburg on this exact date, Justin had simply nodded. Of course, Justin’s presence at Brian’s side during this trip had been implied all along.

Now, Brian is standing alone under the sunshine, listening to the beautiful sing of a robin nearby. Justin had opted to remain in the parking lot, wanting to give his partner some privacy.

“Hey, Aidan...” Brian whispers, looking at the tombstone in front of him. He pinches his lips before adding, “I wanted to see you. I can’t believe it’s been a year already since you’ve been gone.”

He stays silent for a moment, just standing here and listening to the wonderful sound of the bird, which is now perched on a tree nearby. It makes him smile a little as he finally confides, “I’m going to be a grandfather. Me... Brian Kinney. Can you fucking believe it? Because I can’t.”

He huffs playfully, thinking about how his thirty-year-old self would have felt about that, before sharing, “I hate to admit it, but becoming a grandfather is pretty exciting. But don’t you dare repeat it to anyone. I still have a reputation to uphold.”

Then he quips, “Fuck, I can’t believe I’m standing here, talking to myself.  Seriously, you should be ashamed. No one has ever made me do that before.”

Finally, Brian breathes deeply and closes his eyes, focusing on the melody he is hearing. It causes a strange feeling of peace to wash over him, as beautiful memories of his time with Aidan creep into his mind. When he opens his eyes again, he reveals, “I miss you so much, I truly do...And yet, you were right, you know? I’ve survived. And I’m so fucking happy it isn’t even funny...”

He moves forward and kneels in front of the tombstone. He raises his hand and his fingers linger on Aidan’s name for a moment before he lets his hand fall back onto his knee.

“I hope you’re happy... wherever you are.” He feels the moisture in his eyes as he pronounces those words.

He doesn’t move for a long time.

At last, he stands up and begins to step back slowly, his eyes never leaving Aidan’s name.

That’s when he hears his partner calling his name.

“Brian? I’m sorry, but we need to go!” Justin informs him as he rushes over, a funny look on his face.

“What?” Brian asks, but as a smile appears on Justin’s face, he suddenly understands what’s going on.

“Gus called on your cell...” Brian can feel a warm feeling spreading in his chest as Justin confirms, “You’re going to be a grandfather...”

Brian looks at Justin’s smile, the one that can still made his heart beat faster every time he is on the receiving end of it. He peers down at Aidan’s tombstone one last time, unable to keep a smile from appearing on his own face as he whispers his goodbye.

As Brian follows Justin back to the car, the robin sings louder before flying away.

* * *

Sarah and Gus both wanted to be close to their family to welcome their child into their lives, so they had stayed in Pittsburgh for the last couple of months.

After Gus’s phone call, Brian and Justin hurry back to Pittsburgh from Harrisburg, arriving at Alleghany hospital after a three-and-a-half drive.

They’re both excited as they almost run through the hospital’s corridors, reminding them of another time when they had done exactly the same thing almost twenty-seven years ago.

When they arrive everyone else is already there, ready to welcome the newest member into the family.

Michael sees them approaching and smiles. “Hey!” He comes closer to his friends. “Congratulations!” He engulfs Brian in a tight embrace before looking at Justin and repeating the action. Finally, he reveals, “Gus is waiting for you...Room 218.”

Brian looks at his best friend, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. Then he smiles over at his partner who is standing next to him, catching his gaze and prompting Justin to smile back at him in return as his younger lover jokes fondly, “Come on; your son and your grandson are waiting for you...Grandpa...”

Brian reacts immediately, his smile never leaving his face as he begins to walk in the direction of the room, his arm around Justin’s shoulders. He leans in closer to his partner and whispers in his ear, “You will pay for that...later...”

Justin responds playfully, “I certainly hope so...”

Brian slows down momentarily and looks at his partner, “You realize you’re as much a grandpa as I am, right?” he reminds him, grinning.

Justin’s sunshine smile is all the response he needs.

* * *

Five minutes later, Brian is standing with his partner and his son in the hospital room, holding his grandson in his arms. Sarah is resting in her bed a few feet away; the three men have retreated to the far corner of the room.

“You have a son...” Brian whispers in awe, looking proudly at Gus, the happiness he is feeling at that moment indescribable.

“Yeah...It’s...I...” Gus mumbles, overwhelmed by his own emotions.

Brian’s eyes stare back at his grandson; for several seconds he is unable to take his eyes away from this little being who seems so fragile in his arms. Finally he looks over at his partner, his eyes shining with joy. “You want to hold him?”

Justin looks over at Gus who nods cheerfully before he takes the baby carefully in his arms, whispering, “He’s so beautiful.”

Brian stares at the image of his partner holding their grandson with his son standing next to him, and he feels it again. This feeling of love, stronger than anything as it invades every cell of his being. Moreover, he can’t help but marvel at the wonder of the three of them being there tonight, reminding him of another night when he had first met these two men at the same time. Like a full circle, his grandson’s birth feels so special and wonderful.

“I have a question I wanted to ask you, Dad...” Gus confides suddenly, looking at his father nervously.

Brian peers over curiously at his son, understanding whatever he is going to share with him has to be important.

Gus begins, “Sarah and I had been struggling to find a name for our son before Justin gave us a suggestion...” He hesitates briefly before revealing, “We’d like to name him  _ Aidan _ ...”

Brian’s eyes grow wide before staring back at his partner, his face indecipherable. Justin gazes back at him expectantly.

Looking at his lover right now, Brian isn’t sure Justin is aware of the person he really is. He is so fucking  _ beautiful _ .

Brian couldn’t imagine a life without the younger man in it. Justin makes him stronger; a better friend, a better father. A better lover.

Brian loves him  _ so much _ ; he swears to himself that he will be the partner Justin deserves for the rest of his life. He will cherish every moment, every touch and every smile. He will do  _ anything _ to keep this man in his life and to honor his love, his faith in him. He owes that to Justin. And to Aidan.

At that moment, he addresses one single thought to his former lover, hoping he can hear it, wherever he is.

_ Thank you. I promise you I will cherish every one of these moments you gave me. _

And finally, he lets Justin and Gus see how touched he is by their proposal. He smiles, a real and wide smile he rarely shares, expressing the joy he is feeling completely.

He still has one more thing to say to his partner before leaving his son and grandson and going home, though.

“You really want to name every one of my heirs, don’t you?”

Justin laughs. And Brian’s heart feels like it’s ready to explode with happiness.

THE END

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sincerely for reading my work and/or for sharing your thoughts and leaving kudos :)


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